Fasting

What a topic. I'm beginning to understand that this may have been way over-spiritualized. In the basic sense it means simply going without food. From there, it has branched and diverged into a thousand types of fasts and purposes.

I admittedly do not understand this discipline well at all. What I do understand is that it can be used for health, to save money or resources so they can be shared with those who don't have them, or to humble oneself before God when facing a particularly troubling problem.

Once on Richard Foster's advice, I tried to incorporate it into my weekly routine by skipping two meals in a row, one day a week, but ended up passing out one afternoon. I also tried it once as a sort of purification before what we expected to be a particularly difficult prayer of liberation for someone, but it turned out that the initiator of the whole business decided not to do it at the last minute and only I ended up meeting with the person to have a what turned out to be a very normal conversation.

Just recently, my church asked us to join a 21 day fast that is being promoted all over. I'm totally unclear about why we are doing this. I looked it up and found nothing helpful. So I looked up some general stuff on fasting and found instructions, but nothing particularly helpful about the ins and outs, whys and wherefores. So I committed to drink only water, to cut out some entertainment, and to closely monitor my speech to avoid frivolous talk. The talk is extremely difficult to accomplish since I communicate for business...much of communication occurs in the "small talk", so it can't be avoided in my context. Then my cousin of 17 died in a car wreck and I couldn't possibly avoid small talk and jovial speech around the family...this is not frivolous in my mind. Not to mention, I tend to be pretty witty by nature and find myself expressing affection and mood through speech. So that went out the window.

That leaves the entertainment, which I have had no trouble with at all, so what is the sacrifice? And the water, which is driving me crazy, simply because I can't have a glass of juice or tea once or so a day. I already drink mostly water! I've been trying to pray about it, and basically I feel like I am doing this for all the wrong reasons. I even resolved to give it up and had a glass of juice following the funeral, but then felt that I should stick to my commitment, so went back on it. I have a week to go. I can't see the point. I don't appear to be getting anything valuable from this.

So, unless this next week brings some grand revelation, I think I have learned this: Fasting should involve food, that is the simple meaning of it. It isn't required of those with dietary or health issues, so I may be exempt on those grounds (remember the passing out thing). Fasting is of no value unless you know why you are doing it. It should only be done when I feel the personal urging of God to do so...in the case of a spiritual fast.

Lastly, I am one of the least luxuriant people I know. The attitude fasting is of little benefit, since I have already stripped away many vanities and unnecessary lifestyle aspects. The only place to go from here is into plain asceticism, which has almost killed me in the past. I am prone to venture too far onto the plain of the tough-minded. To the contrary, I think this should be a very personal walk, not the same prescription for everyone. For me, I feel that I am being shown how to allow myself some pleasure and enjoy the bounty that I have been given, instead of feeling guilty for it.

At risk of sounding haughty, though you can see that is not my intent if you come at it from my point of view, I feel like a monk being led out of the abbey. It is tough to have such severe mental attitudes in a culture that barely engages the ideas let alone understands them. I know that I must relax and that I am allowed to be.

Brother Lawrence, pray for me, I am inflicting myself and need to know grace more. Or am I so self-deceived...no, the yoke should be easy, the burden light. Perhaps it is not more discipline that I need after all.