Touch

People need physical touch. Strangely this is often one of the things people shun first when personality issues gain ground. Even reasonably functional people in America have a bit of a standoffishness. I have seen people from other countries who touch each other far more than Americans.

I once worked with someone from Belize who was positively clingy. I never figured out if this was simply Belizian culture, or just her nature. She didn't mean anything inappropriate by it, she just touched everyone she knew in very familiar ways. And I've seen Japanese boys, very tough, fighting boys, I might add, lay in each other's laps and hang on each other in ways that would send any American guy shivering.

Many years ago, I realized that I needed to touch and be touched. I don't remember exactly how it started, but somehow I realized I needed it. And if I needed it, I reasoned most others did as well. I was hugged often as a child. I didn't grow up in any kind of sterile environment, so in that regard, I felt pretty normal. But this was a realization of the extent to which I relied on touch for communication.

Touch does make some people uncomfortable and that is to be respected. We all communicate in different ways. Not everyone may need the same level of physical contact, but I suppose that much of our distancing is learned. We may all be healthier if we weren't so afraid of touching. I can speculate many reasons why people may not want to be touched...but rather than dwell on the things I don't well understand, I would rather focus on what I do understand.

I am quite verbal...I write this blog, so that may go without saying, but a single touch can communicate what many words can't convey. This is one of my biggest complaints with the internet-based friendship phenomenon. While many people interact effectively via electrons it is no substitute for physical proximity and physical touch. A touch can do more to convey meaning than any other medium. A touch can even convey healing...both in the Biblical sense, and in the psychological sense. I myself have been in mental/emotional distress a few times where words were no avail, but a rightly placed touch instantly silences the anguish. Children of course need ample touch to develop normally. This is well documented, but I don't believe it ends there.

Consider the healing power of pets. This is why animals are brought to convalescents, elderly, and autistic. There is a real power in the feel of life touching us, feeling us back. Something spiritual is conveyed. Even the ritual of laying on hands alludes to this.

But lest you think I am one of those "hug-a-day" mambies, let me clarify what I mean by touch. Certainly hugs are one very effective way of touching and I use them often in the right context. But this isn't the only way, and isn't appropriate in all situations. There are of course the standard pats on the back, clasping of hands in all the various forms, but becasue of their common use, these don't reach the way well-placed touches can. I mean a touch to the arm, an arm around the neck or shoulders, literally brushing shoulders can all be powerful. Then there are more passive types of touching such as when seated comfortably. So many people sit rigid even among friends.

Now I am the first to avoid unnecessary crowding in public spaces. If there are seats across the aisle, don't sit next to me, you wierdo! But among friends, do we need to apologize because our knees brushed on the squishy sofa while watching a movie? Or to go a step further, leaning across someone to get something. I know you might be shuddering at the thought of this right now, but bear with me.

Animals do not respect these boundaries. Dogs flop in your lap and knock you off balance with their brushes. Cats swirl among your legs. Rats, to which I am partial, gently press their teeth (a rat kiss) and groom with their small manipulative hands. Birds nip and taste. And primates, including human children, cling all over you. These touches in natural language indicate trust and familiarity. They assure all members of the group that they are accepted. In short they reassure our place and our safety.

I have become quite forward in my touching of people. But of course I always stay attuned to the context and their reactions. If someone is uncomfortable, you can tell instantly with a touch and that should be respected. But my experience is that people quickly loosen to it. Even among other men, there is a touching that conveys the right meanings. One of my recently departed friends who was a very large man had a habit of pulling me (as an adult mind you) onto his knee like a child. On his massive lap, I felt like a toy, but in that gentle giant's act we both knew deeper and faster than words could convey that we both trusted and accepted the other. If we are to live whole, we must be comfortable in our own skin. In doing so we must acknowledge this means of communication. For me it is vital. I can't truly demonstrate my feelings for someone without touch. Nor can I truly understand another's feeling without touch. Say a thousand words and I will hear you, but touch me and I will know your heart. If we would shut our mouths more and let go of our inhibitions in this regard, listening to the biological, animal side of our being, we would be far more at peace and at ease.