Like an animal

I have learned so much from animals and nature. There's is a world only ruined by association. This means it functions much closer to perfection and where the affects of ruination are felt they are handled more like they would be handled in a perfect state.

Right now, I'm thinking of how animals and even plants (which are far more responsive than people think, only on a much slower time scale) do not judge. If they form opinions, they do not affect behavior in any large degree. They take each action or event as it comes, they tolerate massive amounts of wrong, and they are slow to learn fear or hate while being quick to forgive.

I wonder if I can learn to live like this. Can I not expect, not interpret, not figure? Can I learn to simply be and watch and react appropriately? I've spent years thinking about things in hopes of reaching peace through ultimate understanding. If I could see how things all work, I'd be able to rest in that just like when you understand your surgery or illness you feel less anxious about it. Not that I ever thought I would get to the end, but it was the distant goal that defined a paradigm.

But now I'm starting to realize that this may not be the answer. Like Solomon returning to rest in meaninglessness, I'm finding that understanding brings no peace.

No matter what I learn, I feel like I've done all this before. Had these realizations, cycled around, and nothing has really changed.

I recognized the cycles before, but I envisioned them spiraling upward where each cycle was a little closer to truth. But I doubt that now.

Now I want to get off the train. I want to watch it draw away from me and take all it's energy and activity with it. I want to look and simply see what is there, not be preoccupied with things that aren't there. Wars and rumors of wars, a chasing after the wind, trying to capture shadows. I want to see feel what is there without having to analyze, systematize and categorize. I just want to feel and let the feeling go into the next, good, bad, sad, or indifferent.

I want a simple and gentle yet unabashed honesty, like animals, to the greatest degree I can.

What If

What if our entire human existence as we know it is a peculiar state encapsulated in matter and time, matrix-like.  What if, in the truest reality, thought and action are so intricately linked that to think is already to do? What if the way to stop us from destroying ourselves was for God to lock us in this sequential bubble called space-time and fill it with thick and slow matter that is always decaying and recycling.

What if the fact that bad things can only happen at points in time and have limited spatial scope and duration is a mercy to limit the destructive capability of beings with the creative mind and will of the All Maker.

What if God determined that he would generate a truly free being that could grow and change on its own as much without his control as possible.  What if he decided to prove that his power was so perfect that even these beings, perfectly capable of unmaking themselves, would come to good and not be lost?

What if this consequence-delaying and scope-mitigating safety net of space-time is the way that could occur? What if humans are grown and not made?  What if space-time is our growth medium, our soil?  Growing us is the only way we could be truly free.  If we were compelled in any way other than guidance, we would not be free to be other than that and could not therefore truly love.

I, for one, would not want someone who only met my needs, even if they were perfectly good at it.  I could never know if they loved me for myself or because I wanted them to.  The only way I could determine that would be if the lover is perfectly free to love or not love, to go or stay, to choose things, people, etc. other than me.  What if that's what we are made for?

What if Jesus expressed this and guided us toward that growth that God knows will lead to our ultimate form?  Our ultimate form would be our ultimate fulfilment.  It couldn't be otherwise, unless our existence truly is a cruel cosmic joke.  But that doesn't even make sense.  Either there is order and it is good, or there is none, in which case we are beautiful but meaningless accidents that have no real value nor can make value judgements...but this is another conversation.

What if, everything Jesus taught was quickly co-opted and filtered through the natural paganism of humanity until he became nothing more than a new god in the pantheon, replacing outworn faces and practices with the same spirit of appeasement and supplication.

What if this is exactly what he meant by "ever looking but not seeing; ever hearing but not understanding".  And "he who has ears let him hear."

If this is the case, perhaps some people are just not developed enough to get it. If this is the case, there is no point in seeking stupid compliance and following rules.  They would only hinder us.

If our conception of God or reality is wrong, then urging people to comply with some system will only cement wrong ideas in them.  Better to let them go and learn and grow.  What if this is the point of the rich young ruler?  What if this is the key to everything Paul said, which otherwise seems so harsh and unJesus-like?

What if we were to try out this understanding and see if it's got any truth?

I have been doing this.  I have not found the bottom of the rabbit hole yet.  My heart swells at each new idea of it.  It's good news that I am bursting to share.  I can't deny it, don't want to.  It fills me with love for the beautiful possibilities I see in people around me in a way that old religion never did.  And it fills me with fire against anything or anyone that tells others lies about what is so good for them.  For the first time, I am beginning to understand how the martyrs could have felt.  I thought I understood before.  But no militant mindset can hold up to what they faced.

So preachers keep preaching your dead theology and keep watching your churches empty.  Ministers keep teaching rules instead of nurturing truth and watch how people fall away as fast as they fall in.  Whitewashed tombs where the dead can bury their own.  Your god is not my God.

My God exists in spirit and truth, light and life and love. And in spite of all the bad, he will make all things good.  And not just good as in lack of bad, but good such that every note of bad that ever existed will be rolled up into a goodness that we can not imagine as we see how it was simply the orchestrating of our own richer blossoming.

I'm not asking you to believe this.  Honestly, I don't care if you do.  It doesn't change anything either way.  I'm just saying, what if...

The Way

Imputed Righteousness.  This seems hokey to me.  It's never been well explained.  Just the kind of theological leap they put together to fill in a gap in a system.

I feel that I understand the reality of things in an inexplicable way, but what salvation and faith are, then needs expressing and I can't get away from the training I was steeped in...which is the imputed stuff.

But now, I am having a glimmer of something new.  I believe it deep down, like I said, but am not sure I can express it fully yet.

Uncle George has been helping me.  He said through Robert Falconer that imputed righteousness is a lying doctrine.  That we must all be clothed with the righteousness of saints, our own righteousness, not someone else's.  This seems to make so many things fit together better.  I am not magically made clean, but strangely left the same through some wonky time-space split.  That's sci-fi!  But if Galatians 2:16 says (and indeed the Greek does bear it out) that we are saved through the faith OF Christ, not IN Christ as the modern translations put it, then salvation and the work of Christ were truly to be the first fruits.  Not to substitute innocent for guilty in some blood-lust psycho fantasy, but to pave the way.  His perfect faith in his father to save him shows me how to have faith in him and his father.  He makes the unknowable knowable and I am being made righteous.  Not instantly, but throughout my life.  I am being finished, perfected.  We all are.  Christ shows how that works, what that means, and makes it possible.  But my sins are my sins.  I must reap what I've sown; only through that, I can rise as Christ has.

So is my salvation through faith?  Absolutely.  Christ's faith, and in kind, my faith.  This perfect faith tells me I am in good hands and that frees me to act in ways that repair and grow me.  My work in it is not to say some stupid prayer like a magic incantation.  It is not even to believe without doubt, like wishing on a star.  But neither is it to earn my place.  It is simply to do as my big brother has done.  To learn to submit myself fully to what God has made me to be.

And this is done, as James says, by working out my faith in actions.  The actions God places before me to do, small or big, in every moment.  Without schemes and angles.  Helping when help is needed.  Patient when sick.  Compassionate with those who need it.  Ethical at work.  Gracious when driving.  Quiet when rest is required.  In doing the will of his father, Jesus demonstrated his faith.  I must do the same.  In this I find the only proof available that my faith is not in vain, but it is the surest proof.

So this understanding unties faith and works, explains the cross and faith, clearly shows what is good about the "good news" in a way that any person can see (not just those who contort in theological ways like Candide's teacher.) And gives clear direction for my life.  And does so in a way that doesn't require any unnatural explanation.  Even the simplest person could grasp it.  How is this wrong again?

God take me ever further up and further in.  Help my reply to the rhetoric to be my actions for you.  I am your sheepdog.

Animal

I feel like a wild animal. This bears explanation because most people probably think something other than what I mean by the phrase. Wild animals are cautious and wary. But they are also calm and calculating. They alertly size up any situation and react in predictable ways.

The reason most people don't see this is because they are too out of touch to get close. The wild things know they are coming far before they get there. But if you learn to be more wild, you'll be amazed at what you see. Imagine being the one who surprises them! It's not that hard.

But anyway, I feel like this most of the time. I do not like being seen unless I intend to. I like to be aware, to read situations for danger or instability. If it looks unsafe, my guard never drops. Sometimes this looks like inattention, but it's exactly the opposite. I'm either distracted by something I need to track, or there are too many things to allow focus on any one for long.

I have pretty set behavior patterns. What's mine is mine, what's not mine is not my concern. I share freely, and do not take more than I need. But I expect the same courtesy. You are welcome to shared space, and I won't bother your space, but stay the **** out of mine unless I allow it. And those lines are pretty clear.

Wild animals do not just attack. They attack in order to eat, in which case, they do not over kill. Or they attack for defense. And usually after ample warning. I have faced alligators, snakes, sharks, hogs, deer, dogs, raccoons, wild goats, even wasps and spiders. None ever attack wantonly. In fact it's pretty hard to get them to do it. They'll take large amounts of harassment first. But when they do attack, it's not play time. They are trying to end the conflict decisively. Once it's over, there's no further problem, though they may be warier next time.

I too, hate conflict. But I also hate being messed with. So when things escalate, I'm not playing and one or both of us will be hurt in serious ways. Trust me, I'm seeking to end the conflict as decisively as possible. I may not be the biggest or most threatening, but my advantage is that, by that point, I'm not holding back. And I'm preparing for this far before most people would be. So it's best to heed the warnings. No "bucking up", no rules. I will disable the threat as quickly as possible. When I engage know that I will attempt to permanently injure or kill. I don't want to do that. So for God's sake, don't push it.

Is that scary? Only if you plan to push it. It's not berserk here. It's just wild. The other side of wild is the tender soft side. Wild animals are not monsters. They are loving and feeling in proportion to their kind. They are intensely loyal, and often quite forgiving and generous. For them, there is only one way to be, and that is the right way. They make mistakes and they learn. But no wild thing ever tries to be bad, or cheat, or ruin. They simply are what the were made to be and strive to do that to perfection. We hate being trapped. We are most whole and happy when free and in the wild.

This is me. I've known for a while, but it was freshly opened to me recently. If you know me, I'm sure you can see how this fits. If I'm confusing somehow, see if this doesn't help explain.

Is this normal? Certainly not in the statistical sense. I don't know about any other senses. Is there a place for me in this world? Yes. But our culture hates wildness. The fear/control complex requires that since it, by definition can't be controlled, it must be eliminated, or at least driven from daily awareness.

This is a hard realization. To know that your people will always misunderstand, manipulate, and try to control the very thing that most defines you, and you with it.

New Wine

Think of a world of goodness.  A world of hope and happiness in which people are fulfilled and not wronged.  A place where you are known for who you are and you can drop the masks of conformity and social acceptance.  A place where things are as they should be.

Doesn't exist, right?  Many people have promised it in one form or another.  Many have sought it in one form or another.  Many try to bluff us into believing it is in a certain system or organization.  But our hearts know when it isn't there, right?  Deep down, they can't lie and we know when we're being fooled.

I was taught that Jesus was the way to all those things. That it didn't exist in this world, but it would in the place called heaven where no bad thing could enter. That Jesus was the gatekeeper.  That we had to follow him.  That all we had to do was accept his free gift.  Well, accept it and truly believe it.  That, and stop doing bad things.  Oh, and go to church, learn about him.  Yeah, and memorize Bible verses, and not listen to music that was too wild...unless the band was Christian, but then only if they really acted like it because you know people say they are, but the proof is in their life.  Which, while we're at it, let's talk about your clothes.  Oh, and of course, you HAVE to witness.  That's everyone's job because there's so many people out there going to hell because they don't believe right, which we can tell because they don't do all the things we do.  Of course, we can't judge.  Some of them could actually be saved.  But definitely not those over there.

God help me! Is it any wonder I lost my mind?  Who can keep that up?  It's insidious and wicked to the core!  It eats up those who spew it like stomach acid.  So if that's what hope is, I can't have it.  And without hope, there's only nihilism.  A dry empty desert of never-ending grey.  No direction, no purpose.  Just blind existence.  Nothing matters.  Maybe I'll just die today and think, 'finally' as the life slips out of me and I release the curse of consciousness.

But in that place, something broke through in me.  It was fresh and bright and full of energy.  I didn't know what it was, but it appeared, when I could see it, with strong male arms and hands.  Of course, I pretended it must be Jesus because that's what I had been taught, but I didn't really know.  I was just glad to have breath.  To see light.  To see that the world was hopeless because the hope was outside of it.  While I didn't know who or what that was, I was hooked.  I didn't care, something inside was screaming that was what I needed.

If it ate me up, I didn't care.  That was life and I needed it. Like heat migrates to cold, it was soaking into me and I didn't want it to stop.

It wasn't at all like the Jesus I had been taught.  So I dropped what I knew like a broken toy.  If Jesus and this light went two separate directions, I was following the light.  How could I not!  This thing was palpable.  I couldn't go back to that death.  But the weird thing is, the more I tried to shake off the Jesus I had been taught, the more I kept finding he wasn't really what I had been taught.  When I read his words with my own fresh eyes, they didn't say what I had been taught they said.  They said things that flared that light inside me.  Things I didn't find anywhere else.

Now I've blogged enough about my darkness.  That cloud in my flesh never really goes away.  But deep inside, there's still this place of light that no one gets to see.  And I mean that, no one.  And from that place of freedom come all kinds of good things that make people look at me like I'm from some other planet.

But then, I keep trying to find others who share this understanding and in every church, in every group, I find sparks of it, that quickly get smothered by a heap of stinking wet leaves every time they flare!  Why is it that people can't stop heaping their own death on the living fire?

Don't get me wrong, some have and we get along like the kindred spirits we are.  But most of those that think they get it don't.  They try to pull me in, they see something in me they can't place, but they like it, so they try to rein it into their system.  But you can't!

I'm telling you all, you know who you are.  You can't rein it in because it isn't in me.  You can't rein me in because I'm in it.  It's so much bigger.  You touch it and then try to bottle it.  But it can't be bottled, and I have to be true to that light and truth.  I don't steer it, box, it, guide it.  It guides me!  It...or He as I have come to know Him guides me.  In my deep place where He sits, I know what's right and what isn't.

See, even now, you're searching your mental scripts for a place to stick what I'm saying.  You think you've got it.  We'll, I'll help you out...it's in the Bible.  "Stand at the door and knock", "Come in to him and make my home with him", you're hearing the songs from Sunday School about Jesus in your heart.  Yeah, that's because they're describing this!  It just isn't what you think it is!!  If it was, you wouldn't look at me like you can't quite get me.  You'd look at me like you know what I know.  I can tell man!  I know because I came to it from the outside.  I couldn't see it from the inside either. 

So you know what?  I'm done with it.  I'm shaking the dust off and going to those who aren't tainted.  New wine skins for new wine, yeah?

The very images you use to leave people in the dust who disagree with you are what I'm using to part ways with you.  But unlike your understanding, I don't think it means you aren't worth my time or are in error.  We just don't speak the same language and therefore we can't communicate.  You think we do, but we don't because when I try to make a point, you say, "Yeah! and then go totally the other direction."

But I will leave you with a sign post in the direction I'm heading.  Because I know you'll come sooner or later.  Whether your rules involve authorities and buildings, or annointings and movements, or doings and houses, they're still performance-based systems motivated out of ought and should and gotta.  And if you think yours isn't, test it in this way:  Refuse or challenge what some leader in your system says should happen.  Do it to them directly...politely, but in no uncertain terms.  See what happens.  Dollars to doughnuts, their reaction is severe, possibly angry, and rooted in threat response.  Because people who don't line up show the cracks in their boxes and what can't be controlled must be expelled.  Don't believe me?  Try it.

To everyone else, don't be afraid to follow that light and good you feel.  Chase it down where you find it.  That love won't lead you too far off.  And if anything I've said has sparked that in you, come find me.  I mean that.  I'll help you carry your baggage and I don't need to see what's inside it.  We'll follow that light until we find that place to rest.

Assimilation

This blog is about Truth.  With a capital T because I mean it in the big sense, not the baser sense of "true story" or true/false.  Science is also about Truth...at least it is at the heart, before media and corpocracy and fame have tainted it.  The only reason science and religion conflict is because practitioners of one or both confuse the roll of each.  See science can only tell us about observable reproducable things.  As such, it can't talk at all about things that fall outside of the ability to observe and test.  Conversely, religion isn't about empirical, observable, testable reality.  Reality, yes, but not the physical world in the way science is interested.  Anyway, I digress.  My point is that I try to understand my world as a whole.  And science informs things quite well.  So it shouldn't be a surprise that this blog may also cover scientific matters from time to time as they engage in my brain.

So the concept of assimilation.  This is the process of taking something in and making it a part of the entity, whether that is biological, social, spiritual, etc.  Essentially, an assimilated thing ceases to be separate from the thing that assimilates it.  We assimilate nutrients.  Nations assimilate people.  The US is known as the "melting pot", which refers to the quality of assimilating people from many backgrounds.  We are not a nation based on genetic isolation or ancient tribal divides.  Assimilation is a natural process that absolutely pervades every aspect of the function of the world.  But I don't think many people understand it at all.

I was thinking of assimilation around the Christmas season for a couple reasons.  First, because people get wound up about the various elements of the holiday.  Regardless of what angle of that argument you might sit in, I think the concept of assimilation should help unwind that tension some.

No culture exists in a vacuum.  Even the oldest cultures are influenced by those around them and evolve through time.  The culture of a tribe 1000 years ago would not be the same now, even if that tribe were totally untouched by the outside, which none are.  So there are going to be things that move from one to the other in both directions.

When Christianity first began to spread, it was spreading through existing cultures.  Some of those celebrated Saturnalia, some celebrated Yule, and many other winter festivities.  So when a few people began to see that this new faith had Truth, they didn't cease to live in the culture they were in.  Others around them still celebrated the things they always did.  Christianity, being a very assimilative type of faith, does not proscribe or prohibit much outright.  The Apostle Paul (Saint Paul, depending on your tradition) who wrote most of the New Testament says all things are permissible, but not everything is beneficial.  The individual has to determine what is good for themselves and their own.  So many found what was good and true in the culture they occupied and kept those elements.

Where there were conflicts of conscience, people sometimes adapted the holiday to something that fit their new beliefs.  Ok, so we aren't celebrating Thor any more, but as all powers and principalities are subject to the One God, then Father Christmas must also be subject to him...It's not a conscious happening, it's a slow and imperceptible shifting.  Father Christmas, sounds much like the traditions of Saint Nicholas from southern Europe, so those gradually get merged as well.

Now if you are seriously conflicted by any pagan elements in your holiday, by all means, do what your conscience demands.  Paul also says to bear with those who have weaker faith, so I for one won't be in your face about what gives you trouble, just like I won't drink alcohol around an alcoholic or a Baptist.  But for your part, recognize the freedom of those of us who do not feel conflicted about it.  We're not apostate because we let our kids enjoy a gift given in the name of a mythical character or a Saint.  WE aren't worshipping a pagan God when we do it, despite the origin.

And if you're on the other side where you feel your holiday was stolen and perverted by us tyrannical Christians, please remember that you are still free to celebrate whatever you like.  As I described above, most of the assimilation was a natural cultural process and not a decision to abolish or persecute your religion.  I don't doubt that there were times where a state religion prohibited practices in an attempt to mandate what it felt was good.  But that's not what's happening in the West right now.  In fact, in today's world, you're more likely to live in a nation that mandates against Christianity, if it speaks to national religion at all.  So it goes both ways.  Individuals are not nations and nations are not individuals.  Celebrate what you like in the way you like and allow others the same respect, even if you disagree.  This is the definition of political and religious freedom.

Now on to the second topic of assimilation.  Food.  When you eat, your body assimilates the chemicals in that food: proteins, lipids, nutrients, synthetics, etc.  Those things become a part of your body.  Your body knows how to use a lot of those things.  A good deal of them, your body can't use.  Some of them actively break down the processes in your body as it tries to figure out what to do with them.  But since assimilation is a great principle of life on Earth, a natural law, your body has an amazing capacity to take damage.  It will assimilate and assimilate until it is overloaded.  Even useful things can become a problem when there are too many of them. 

Unfortunately, our bodies are so good at assimilating stuff we often don't take notice.  The impacts, are virtually undetectable.  But they are occurring.  We only notice it once it's so far damaged that something actually breaks.  It's the same process all over the natural world.  I'm a water scientist and I see people seep junk into lakes and rivers for decades and then get utterly bewildered when the lake turns green and icky "all of a sudden".  Truthfully, there are usually warning signs if you know what to look for, but people don't pay attention to them in their body or the world around them.

Even the government is not good at watching this.  You see, most of the government employees want to do good, that's why we choose a lower paying career that comes with ample abuse from ignorant people.  But a good deal of the job is about keeping the wheels turning.  In the US especially, it's hard to just say, "whoa, change everything because this isn't working."  So we operate by determining exactly how much we can mess something up before the impacts are too noticeable.  I'm dead serious about this.  It's how the laws are written and how the policies are structured.  It's not a mindset of keeping things healthy, solvent, or sustainable.  It's how much abuse can we take from all the pressures and not fall apart.

The same goes with individual health.  Many people try to sneak just under the line where they crash rather than aim for the healthiest they can be.  Fortunately for someone with a condition like me, my body reacts far more instantly to a bad element than most.  So people say it's a problem with my body and those things don't affect them.  But they DO affect you.  They affect everyone.  I'm like the canary in the coal mine.  My reaction is the magnified and instant representation of what it's doing to you over the decades.

So why play with fire?  If you, unlike me, have a good margin of safety, you won't fall out from a little bad stuff, but it's still bad!  Imagine how healthy you could be if you didn't keep taking in that stuff that's pulling you apart at the cellular level.

Anyway, these have been my thoughts through this Christmas season as I've watched and listened to the world around me.  As we start into a new year, I'd encourage you to take advantage of this marker in time to begin consciously assimilating these ideas about assimilation.  Once you understand the concept, it explains so much of the world around you.  You'll be more insightful, happier, and healthier for it.

War

I recently heard someone speaking about Deliverance, with a capital D.  I hadn't heard of it before.  Honestly, I ended up in a position to hear him speak completely unintentionally.  Anyway, the word with a capital D refers to, the speaker said, "the casting out of demons." Yep.  I'm not kidding.  It's a thing.  He wasn't making that up.  I check everything.

So as he presented it, it's a system of counselling that focuses on removing demonic influence from people's lives.  To his credit, he was not at all pushy and delivered his talk in a very matter-of-fact and non-spooky way.  He did not come off as a charlatan.  I'd have walked right out.  I think he legitimately believes what he's saying and considers himself more reasonable than many he knows in the field.  Since he could approach it in a rational manner, I felt he deserved a fair hearing.

He didn't go into detail about the process, partly because he didn't want to spook people out (he said this) and partly (I think) because he had a seminar to plug and a 'ministry' to support.  Though he didn't ask for money.

He gave a few stories, but mostly just talked about the background principle.  The stories were sufficient to make me think.  I have enough experience of the spiritual to safely admit demons and other spiritual forces do exist and influence people. But the background principle is what didn't sit well.

He pulled verses from the Bible that seemed a bit out of context and misinterpreted.  But as is my bent, I began to consider what might be true in it.  Was I the one misunderstanding?  He admitted demons aren't behind every problem, but claimed they could be behind any problem.  He alluded to some sort of contractual type scenario in which people can, knowingly or not, give demons access to themselves.  He claimed that Jesus could save a soul, but that the body and spirit might still be "infected" as he put it.  The focus of Deliverance is to break those contracts and make people as free and healthy as possible.  He said that there was a process people had to participate in.  Alluding to some 'steps' and such people had to take to be sure they stay free.

I left mostly denying it, but with enough doubt that I had to consider more fully.  I talked it over with my wife and son.  I asked God to tell me what is true.  I even wrestled with it in dreams for a couple nights.  I debated calling a mentor of mine and discussing it with him.  Was I right?  What if I wasn't?  Could I be suffering from some seemingly medical ailments because of the doors I'd opened in my past?  What about beneficial suffering; the "thorn in the flesh"?  Wasn't Jesus sufficient?  Why wouldn't he cleanse everything?  Could I take the chance on that?  Was it worth the chance?  It didn't fit with my understanding of the universe, but it did echo many of the things I encountered and heard from people in the Spiritualist world that I had dabbled in fairly extensively years ago. 

So finally, I decided to look it up.  Though I was a bit scared of creeping myself out.  The speaker had said it was easy to find on the internet.  So I did a late night search and was quickly provided with an article from an ex-Deliverance counsellor who shed all the light I needed. Thank God for answering.

This long article described the Deliverance movement in such verbatim detail to the speaker that I had no doubt they were talking about the same thing.  In fact, they quoted the same people, same verses, same vocabulary.  The article described it as very real.  He had seen many amazing things happen.  But still he left it.  The reasons he left it encapsulate my very difficulties.

I'm not going to try to digest the whole article for you.  Look it up yourself if you're interested.  What resonated with me was, for one, that the Deliverance movement is a 20th century invention.  It claims roots to ancient times, but no more than Wicca can claim to the ancient pagans.  In other words, it's a modern supposition of what might have happened, and not a true religious tradition and therefore does not have the weight of history and community of consent behind it.  But more importantly, Deliverance is essentially a works-based faith.  Freedom is not obtained by the work of God.  It's made possible by that, but people then have to get the right prayers, the right lifestyle, the right program to be fully free.  And then only so far as they keep it up.  Further, it adds chains to people with the concept that when a demon returns, it brings more with it and makes the end condition worse.  Thus someone who is struggling lives in eternal fear that they may not only go back to the torment, but it may get worse.  And if you've never experienced spiritual torment of this kind, let me tell you, it's enough to make you high dive into concrete.

The article described it like a spiritual protection racket that Satan himself backs by putting on good demonic shows.  "Sure, cast me out, but watch how much of a fight I can put up. Get proud, feel special, feel afraid."  It's like the Fight Club assignment to pick a fight and lose.  It puffs up the counsellor and terrorizes (in the Terrorist sense) the victim who now has to look around every corner for the evil he knows "can get him at any time".

So is there another view that allows for demons and their influence but avoids this false paradigm of Spiritual Warfare?  Yes!  God is sovereign over all things.  Christ has put all powers beneath his feet.  The head of the serpent has been crushed.  Evil in fact, doesn't exist.  Philosophically proven, it can't.  What we call evil is the negation of a created thing which God called good.  A thing's evilness is exactly proportional to the degree it departs from what it was created to be.

There are far more verses in the Bible supporting this worldview.  Jesus sets free.   Nothing can harm me except as God allows and that means it will only be for my good, like chemotherapy that makes me sick so I can get well.  Or like physical training hurts so my muscles grow stronger.  The demons have no inherent power.  Only the illusion of it.  So what more would they want than to be attributed the power to control and manipulate us.  Sure they'll exploit it!  If we want a show, they'll be happy to oblige. 

Better to learn what Sarah had to learn in Labyrinth.  Not how to defeat her demons, but that they had no power over her in the first place.  With that it's all over.  This is echoed in my own life: dreams, studies, experiences, and reasoning.  It is the only way.  It is the Truth. 

Demons are real, but the conflict is not.  It's a bluff, a farse, a simulation of the Matrix.  God is sovereign and the truth is what is real.  As in War Games, we have to learn that, "The only winning move is not to play."

Cages

A couple of things are rolling around in my head.  One has to do with joy.  What is it?  I've read the definition, but it seems inadequate.  Maybe I've just not experienced it.  I know peace (which is an inner quiet).  I know happiness (which is dependent on circumstances).  But I can't say I've ever known an abiding gladness...Perhaps I have, there was a time I think I had it.  Things weren't perfect, but I just seemed to be glad, positive, most of the time.

Though, it seems this had much to do with the circumstances, which would pull it into the realm of happiness, right?  I distinctly remember frustrations and difficulties then, so I know this isn't a rosy memory (though I don't have those anyway).  Truly, I tend to see always the bad, so to remember a time of happiness that was longer than fleeting is something.

Just recently, I have felt a deep need for joy.  I even almost felt it yesterday, but it escaped me before I could fully feel it.  It was like a shadow of it, or a snatch of music heard indistinctly.  And then it was gone.

This transitions nicely into the other thing in my head...I'd wondered how they would relate.  I have blogged previously about my naturally darker nature.  I have to accept it.  I have tried to change it, ignore it, etc.  But it is part of me, and this is not necessarily a defect.

So what stands in my way?  I think it has to do with cages, fetters.  I despise them.  I hate being tied down or restricted.  Not all restrictions; some are necessary, I know that.  But the unnecessary tangles of life, those I hate.  Mortgages, bills, tenuous family obligations.  These are drudgery and torture.  Give me one day when I am stuck at home with nothing to do and unable to leave because of something like, my son is out playing and too young to leave alone...and I'm prowling the floors like a tiger, looking for anything to occupy the restlessness.  Read, watch pointless TV; this only goes so far.  Sleep; that too only covers so much.  This is why I make so many things with my hands...anything to occupy my mind when I can't go and do. 

My wife seems to like those times.  Relaxing, she calls it.  It's torture.  I want to rip the walls down.  Sometimes I'll go outside, but I'm surrounded by acres and acres of more little cages with small caged streets and bigger caged streets and fences, all hemming me into this world of cushy padded nothing.

Granted, it is good to be safe and secure.  This is a blessing I would not withhold from anyone.  I think what is missing in it is meaning.  Real depth.  Challenge.  I am so in love with adventure stories, books, movies.  I want to be swept away on some quest or mission.  I want every moment to feel vibrant and real.  Then when I return home, I'll want to be here.  To rest and enjoy the peace.  But eventually to go back out into the world again.

I do not pretend to have missed my calling.  I am what I should be, or on the journey toward it.  But at times like these, especially around holidays when I am sitting around endlessly, it gets to me.  I want my family to join me.  But they are not that type.  I can't make my wife into what she is not.  My son will join some, but is also content to sit and putter.

I work my life to be as free as possible, but everywhere, people throw fetters on.  We're not good citizens if we aren't chained down a hundred ways.  And so I sit, and prowl, and make something, and prowl.  I may even get fed up and disappear for a short time, but the chains of responsibility will pull me back again.

I will step out on the road and wish for something to happen that breaks the chains.

Actually...I think I've just hit something else.  My anxiety from being around other people comes precisely because I am so looking for this kind of life.  I feel like the Ranger sitting cloaked in the corner, ever watchful, ever ready to strike, to move, to go.  But outside is nothing but padded walls and fat docile pets.  With expectation of something more and no where to direct it, everywhere becomes a source of irritation, anxiety.  It's like the tiger who attacks the one who feeds it, or an innocent bystander.  I just want out of the cage.

Maker

A friend recently made a relatively offhand comment about the current Maker fad. It struck me, since I make a lot of things myself.  It's true, there is a current faddy popularity in "Making", as it is called.  In typical fad fashion, it's got it's own jargon, etc. In short, it simply refers to people making things on their own.  It's different from crafting, or carpentry, or DIY in that making usually refers to technological or machine types of things, but they're all related.

I think the fad is being fueled somewhat, at least in my friend's circles, by forward thinking librarians and teachers who are rightfully trying to adapt outdated institutions to a world of increasing technology, consumerism, and independent and instant access to information.  It is a fallacy of our thinking to believe things will stay the same.  But the truth is, many of our seemingly permanent institutions are not nearly as permanent as we think.  For example, public school as we know it is only about a century old, and high school was not even common until the mid 20th century.  So in short, these places and professionals are trying to adapt to changing conditions...and this is good, even if they jump on fad trends in the process.

So, back to Making.  My friend comments that it's nothing new.  And that is right.  In fact, for me, this is part of the attraction.  You see, every culture once had an era when people understood the things around them in a way that we don't.  They crafted what they needed from the materials at hand.  Many cultures still operate in this way.  But our modern wealthy western culture has slowly distanced ourselves from this ability because of the unholy amount of readily available things to procure at great prices.  In fact, many people have turned shopping into a skill in itself.  But this falls far at the end of the chain of existence for these objects.  Back at the beginning there is still a person creating, designing, building, innovating, all of the stuff we buy.  Making is an attempt to back up to those earlier stages and understand manmade objects in a different way.  It's called Maker's Knowledge.

It's not some mystic understanding, it's just the ability to look at something and perceive the steps to constructing it.  For example, my Granddad was a Tarheel carpenter with no birth certificate and a 6th grade education.  To make something out of wood, he just needed a pattern...by which he meant a picture...not an exploded step-by-step drawing.  He could fathom the necessary steps to create it from just an image because he understood how woodwork was done.  I'm looking right now at a table he made me from a notebook sketch of a Japanese design I saw in which the table top is removable so a blanket can be placed under the frame. (In this way when it's cold, people's body heat is shared while they have a firm surface to eat, drink, or play games on...very efficient and cozy.  Some even put a small heater under the table to add warmth.)

Now, he's long dead, but I can do it with many things.  I can see an object in a store or catalog and build it myself.  Or even just dream it up and make it real.  Most of the furniture in my house is stuff I've built or modified to suit my needs.  Which leads to another aspect of Making: customization. But before I get into that, a bit more about Maker's Knowledge.

It isn't just about wood, as I said, Making refers more to technological or mechanically engineered sorts of items.  With these items, people are given a certain level of access.  A much smaller subset gains access to the 'repair and upgrade' parts of electronics.  But only the smallest fraction of people actually understand how to build it.  If it breaks, we just toss it and buy another one.  But without Maker's Knowledge, what's going to happen when replacements are no longer so easily available?  The objects will be lost along with the people who depend on them.  Not to mention, that without this knowledge, we are at the mercy of whoever has it.  We can only do what they allow us to do, for the fees they choose to charge us.  We are slaves and not free people.  We do not have access to the key means of production: the knowledge of how.  I'm not saying there's some grand conspiracy that creates this dynamic...it's simply the unintended consequence of a rich society with ample resources...but that's a whole other topic.  Here's an example closer to home.

Most people use a computer until it doesn't work.  Then they go get a tour of the new features of the latest offerings and find out "what they can do with it".  Then they buy it and adapt themselves to it's mode of operation until it again stops working.  They may have the merest understanding of how it actually works inside and may think there is nothing else to do about it.  That's just how it is, right?  Without special tools and years of high-level training, you'll never be able to build your own machine.  But this is entirely false.  I learned to build computers on my own, with self-study of advice from other Makers.  They are actually not so complicated at all.  Even the software is not so difficult.  With a little understanding, what was a black box which I simply had to expend funds on every few years has become a useful and beautiful machine that I can do anything with!  Now granted, I'm not coding from scratch...but I could with more study.  For my needs, I have found that components built by other Makers suit my needs just fine.  So I partake of their knowledge and share mine.  There's no threat in Makers sharing knowledge.  We all make what we need for ourselves and are proud to share, even happy to since our skills arise from joy.  Sharing knowledge is only threatening when our livelihood is tenuously built on others' lack.  Bad career choice, sorry.

So once again, we are led to the customization aspect.  Tools for the workers, not workers for the tools.  How many features of your phone or computer or blender do you never use?  How many times have you wished something did what it doesn't do?  Part of Making is to be able to create what you need and nothing more, but exactly what you need and nothing less.  It's a quest for harmony and balance.  Whether that be a device to take digital pictures from far overhead, a bicycle that fits your body, ability, terrain, and use, or a piece of furniture that perfectly matches and nestles into the space available for it.  You see, there was a time when most objects were like this.  You only had one carriage throughout your life and it was altered to meet your needs as they changed.  If you needed a table or a desk, you built it, or had someone build it, to fit the space and style and use.  It would be unlike anyone elses', an expression of who you are.  Making is an attempt to recapture this.

So granted, "making" and "makerspaces" and such are a fad.  But at the heart is a real community and real ideals.  Fads are often the vehicle by which ideals spread.  Sure, no one needs a one-string electric cigar-box guitar or bicycle that rides backward.  But in making them, people are learning new skills that apply elsewhere.  They're exploring new ways of thinking, new ways of living, and new abilities.  They are becoming more independent and whole, more connected to their roots, and to the roots of all people.  They are improving their own chances of thriving and perhaps even of surviving.

I think a true story will illustrate.  During hurricane Katrina, many people were trapped in attics and rooftops.  Many of them also had cell phones and video cameras.  One family videoed the devastation from their roof where they had barely been able to break through and now sat, the mother in total shock and nearly catatonic.  The father bemoaning the impending death that awaited them and pleading to no one for help.  Another family had gathered themselves and their neighbors into their finished attic with a full cooler of supplies and a full chest of tools.  They had freed their boat to float from the trailer and moored it to the roof.  Then they videoed as they called out to a fear-paralyzed family to get in an abandoned boat and float across to them.  When they got no response they set about rigging up a harness and pull line which they boated over and proceeded to haul the entire family across with them.  The first family thought they could always go get what they needed.  Life would never change and they never thought about it.  Until that illusion was shattered and they couldn't cope.  The second family had Maker's Knowledge.  They understood that they were capable and adaptable and they used those skills they had built.  They were happy and thriving even in a one of  the worst disasters the US has ever seen.

I'm not saying we're all going to face this kind of test.  But Making is beneficial even up through this type of problem.  At least, we get a custom life with unique and beautiful things, and develop some very healthy skills that keep body strong and mind sharp.  At most, we use our skills to better the lives of people who can't do for themselves.  There's no downside.  So bring it on.  Make, create, grow, innovate.  These are virtues and the more the better.

Piercing

The description of this blog is that it is real and raw and unfiltered.  It is an attempt to process things I see, think about, encounter, etc.  As such it isn't really a good read, will never be popular.  But sometimes I look back at what I wrote and can see how it was prophetic...this doesn't mean predicts the future, but illustrates what God is doing.

For instance, I haven't blogged in a while because stuff has been going on.  I cycle through nonexpressive times.  but that doesn't mean all is well or bad.  Just nothing to process in this way.  So today an idea hits me and I sit down to write it.  Before doing it I read the last entry, which I had honestly forgotten about.  Wow!  what I intended to write is the further progression of what I was writing about then.  If there's any doubt that my life is guided by an intelligence other than myself, this is it.  I didn't even remember writing it, so I obviously didn't self-fulfill.

Anyway, I get tired sometimes.  Like brain spirit tired.  I just can't go on.  I want to curl up and sink into nothing.  I'm in one of those times now.  Ironically, it's in these times of not caring so much that I can reveal deeper truths about myself.  For instance the seething hatred for those who try to motivate and seminar Christianity.  I have friends who actually do recognize what Christianity should be, but they go about trying to implement it through motivational seminars, trainings, book jacket facebook posts, etc.  One went so far as to tell the reader to "man up" which meant sign up for the seminar.  Forgive me if you ever read this my friend.  It's not personal, I know you have a good heart and are working the best you know how.  But that just bends me the wrong way.  Since when does manhood, masculinity, toughness, denial of self, or whatever else the term "man up" could mean have anything to do with signing up for some stupid presentation!  That's what Jesus did, sure.  Walked around passing out flyers and getting people to go meet him on the hillside for "two hours that will change your life"..."are you man enough to show up?"  Howl and tear my clothes, man!

Who are these people trying to reach?  Unless there's a group of self-help junkie guys who are insecure in their own manhood, who else is going to get anything real out of that?! You certainly won't get the gay 20 year old who was abused by his father and keeps posting pics of big ol' **** on his facebook page!  Or the kid sitting in his closet slicing his arms with a pocket knife...yeah they just need to "man up"!

I'm just picking on this example because it was the steel striking my flint right now.  But there are countless others.  I've heard many pastors give a great sermon about using your talents, finding what God wants you to do, only to ruin it by ending with, "that means you need to stop by the sign-up table out in the lobby and fill out an interest card."  F***in' cereal box Christians!  I want to go turn the table over like Jesus in the temple.  And if a bleeped out word from a Christian blogger throws you off, what are you gonna do with the lady who sleeps with your pastor to get closer to God!

Ironically, I had someone come very seriously to ask me if I would lead a home group for her kids since she had seen how together my son was and she couldn't think of anyone she'd rather have teaching her kids.  I must be doing something right.  Wow would she be in for a shock.  How do you let someone like that down easy?  I just had to say I'd consider it and hope a convenient excuse comes up before she asks again.  What else was I to say?  Sure, I'll lead the group.  First thing I'll tell them is the best person to teach kids is THEIR PARENTS!  Then I'd tell them to read their own Bible and question everything anyone ever tells them about it.  I'll tell them to stand on their own, that they were strong and powerful and could take down cities if God told them to.  I'd tell them to get into fights if that's what it takes to defend the defenseless.  To give up everything including life itself to meet a need laid before them.  I could keep going.  She'd run for the hills!

If my kid is any indication of my parenting, I can tell you it's by the grace of God and not my own skill.  But, just recently two kids got off his bus in the neighborhood and one swung on the other.  A fight started.  He dropped his stuff and ran back to break them up.  Jumped right in the middle.  The next day a parent came and asked who had stepped in.  My son admitted to it.  Next thing the principal of the school called him in to give him accommodation and tell everyone they need more people like him.

Which brings me to my intended point.  We have become a nation of sheep, passively walking in line, not stepping on the grass, wearing our bike helmets and getting out of the water when thunder is heard.  All great safety tips, right?  Sure if you want to manage a huge populace...make them milquetoasts, make it seem morally honorable to follow the letter of the rules.  I even saw a PSA that said kids should wear life vests and water shoes even if walking near the water...just NEAR it!  How about toughing their feet by running barefoot and learning to walk carefully, swim well enough to save not just yourself, but someone else!

Climb the trees, walk in the grass, get dirty, and do something real.  How can we expect Christians to do amazing things when we train them to be model linewalkers!  That's what God wants...good little do-bees who sign the papers, and sing, but not too loudly, wave their arms, but not really let loose.

You are what you practice being.  Are you willing to get dirty?  Do you even know what that means?  Here's a paralell: you run in the gym, maybe on the paved trail...I'm sitting here covered in bits of leaves and spiderwebs stinging from splinters and scratches.  The difference between those two is a comparison of the distance between your seminar Christianity and the real needs.  You wouldn't know what to do with the people if they started showing up!  Do you know what the Wiccan Rede is?  Ever read the Koran?  Had coffee with the lady who runs a non profit to promote sex-worker rights against "those Christian organizations" who force them from "an ancient and esteemed traditional role into menial factory jobs"?

I'm tired of not speaking out about this.  You decide who you want to be.  If you want to break the norm, you have to break the norm.  That means taking some real risks.  If you're faithful in small you'll be faithful in much.

You know, you may not ever be equipped to deal with the kind of people I've described.  That's ok.  Young upwardly mobile preppy types give me shivers, myself.  But know for every type, there are people who can meet their needs.  Just get rid of your delusions that you have the answer for everyone and stop making it harder for those who are willing and capable to go where you can't.

Reckless and Painful

The things we feel strongest about are the things we struggle with ourselves.  I recently realized how a few strands of the complex nature-nurture paradigm sort out for myself.  Funny I never saw it before, because it seems so obvious.  Certainly some of my lack of conformity and counter-culture proclivity is natural.  But more than I thought of it is learned.  Not learned, in the positive sense, but in the defensive sense.  Conditioned, I guess is a better word.  This web is complex and I can't sort it all out here.

If you read this blog much, it will be apparent to you that I often struggle with doubt and self-criticism.  I have a pessimistic outlook and must actively look for the good.  I always thought there was something wrong with me, an imbalance of some kind, or just a strangely Puddleglum-like demeanour.  But I'm starting to suspect this may not be the case.  Ultimately, I am what I am now and can't sort out what all is natural vs effects of events and conditions.

But what I can take away from this is that I can like myself.  You see, I have always truly understood that I didn't measure up.  I never cut it.  So I looked for ways to get around it or avoid having to be faced with it.  Ironically, instead of giving up, I learned how to hide it well.  To put on the expected face and even to function at quite a high level.  I've recently learned this is common of people who are raised in an overly critical environment.  Again, I'm not saying it is all someone else's fault, but I previously never considered that it might not be all my fault.  So this is gained ground for me.

Even though I knew God loved me, I could truly never understand why.  This is overwhelming and inhibiting in some ways.  I am now learning to let go of some of that intense self-criticism and see the way God sees me. See myself the way I see others.

This also explains some of my deep hatred for those who prey on those weaker and helpless.  My deep desire to build up and care for the lost and rejected.  I subconsciously can't abide to see another facing what I feel.  To see it ignored. 

It isn't subconscious any more.  Now instead of needing to do it, I can choose to do it.  And I do choose it.  I don't have to.  I could shelter and hedge and prevent further hurt.  But I'm not going to do that.  I'm going to continue to love recklessly and choose to take the hurt that may come with it.  This is what Jesus did.  And this is what he's calling me to do.  So what may have been bad will be turned to good.  My pain will be others' solace.

This in no way excuses those who may have done something wrong to me.  "Woe to the one through whom it comes".  But I will learn to forgive and will pay my pain forward in love.  This is the power of Christ's redemption.  I am freed from fear of pain, freed from the need for self-preservation.  This truly makes me righteous and dangerous, and I can love recklessly and painfully.

I am scarred and broken.  I am wounded and hurt.  I will always be weird and misunderstood.  I will still have bad spells.  But I understand a bit more of who I really am now.  A bit more of the name on the stone has been revealed.  There is power in this.

Padded chains

Today I was confronted with a scenario that makes me very angry.  Not angry at any one person, though it is tempting to assign blame to someone.  It's more an anger at the results of the situation which I'm sure no one wants.  People just can't often see how their words can be taken by others.


Someone was talking about people's lack of responsibility.  About how we often see things that need to be done and push them off on others, either intentionally or inadvertently.  This speaker fancies himself the one responsible for those he speaks to and because he has a burning desire to do certain things a certain way, feels others should follow suit...that it is all of our God-given responsibility to do things this way.  They aren't bad things in themselves, and his motives are to help people I think, but it's that sort of subtle poison that really gets me fired up because it is the most damaging.  Here's why:

I know for a fact that there was at least one single parent listening who is constantly struggling to get by.  This parent has her hands full working and taking care of the family and trying to make it look like she's half-way together.  Throw in some messy personal circumstances and you have an all too common mix for a difficult life.  This parent finds solace in good friends and in helping others.  How great is that, rather than alcohol or other destructive behaviors!  Yet it is still a means of dulling pain that cannot yet be addressed directly.  So here she sits listening to this same talk of doing more and how God expects us to use our very last breath to do everything we possibly can for him.  What!

No way, man!  I won't buy it.  This lady needs less burden not more.  The first speaker was lamenting how God's people don't get up and do...well that's because you're trying to motivate them with whips and chains, Bro!  You can't just wrap the irons in velvet pads and call it Christianity!  Jesus set the captives free, his yoke is easy and his burden is light.  We could debate the interpretations of this all night, and I don't want to engage in that.  But I can say this.  No one is responsible for me but me, and you for you.  None of us have to do anything more than what God tells us each to do.  And that's different for each of us because we come from different places and need different things.  Try genuinely meeting needs instead of whitewashing your walls, man!  That's what people need.

No where did Jesus ever tell anyone, to go and join a team in some big organization and make sure they devote every last bit of energy to do menial tasks so some guy can preach at some self-righteous yuppie who cares more for clean carpet than the state of the people whose sweat and tears got it dirty in the first place!  It's all still working for God's approval!  This is twisted and this is what people hate about Christians!

And to my single-mother out there, I pray you forget every word.  Take some time, spend it slowly.  Be Mary instead of Martha.  God has it under control and doesn't need your help.  This guy wasn't talking to you.

Breathe

The Fan Base just complimented this blog, making me realize I haven't written anything for a while.  In reading back over recent posts I see that it is strangely prophetic of things happening now.  This should not be strange.  We're just blind to the winds, tides, currents of time and circumstance.

God has indeed been working miracles in my life recently.  We prayed that he would work his will and glory and he is.  I don't want to say more now.

I've also been learning some new things about how to relate to God and others.  One that I will repeat from Wayne Jacobsen, whom I've mentioned before.  I had never really examined the Prodigal Son story.  Sure we all know the typical lesson from it about the kid who squanders his wealth and ends up crawling home only to be welcomed.  But we leave out two main points of the story.  One is the father who acts like no human father we've ever known.  Who gives an inheritance before he's dead?  Who allows his son to squander himself and his resources?  We'd call him a bad parent who didn't control his kid through other means.  And then he isn't the least bit angry when the son returns.  Not even a scolding or knowing look.  This is a picture of how God loves us, and I wonder if my notions of parenting aren't wrong in light of it?

Then there's the other son who doesn't run away.  He is angry about the prodigal and the reception of him.  He says he has slaved away for the father and got nothing for it.  I used to identify with this son.  I did the right things.  I followed the rules, and I was supposed to be so selfless as to not be miffed at the bad kid getting the party?  I thought it was a flaw in me.  But if we look at the response of the father a little differently it makes so much more sense.  This son wasn't doing right either.  The father says you are with me every day and can have these things any time.  But that son hadn't because he'd been so busy trying to be good...to run things for the father.  The Father is basically saying the son could have had that calf and the party any time.  He just hadn't.  It reminds me of that stupid pizza commercial from years ago where the scout master wants to pay for the free pizza in the buy-one-get-one.  He and the clerk go at it that he'll keep getting extra free pizzas that way because a free one comes with every payment.  Just shut up and take the free pizza!  You can't work it off.  God doesn't need our help.

I now believe this story represents God and his relation to those who are far from him and those who are closer.  Both miss the point.  One takes the good things he's been given and squanders them to his own destruction and fears to return because of the judgement he deserves.  The other works to earn his keep even though the entire wealth has been at his disposal the whole time.  But the father wants only to love and give to his children.

So then, how do we reconcile the Old Testament Vengeful God image?  I don't know.  I don't think it can be systematized.  Wayne suggests that it might be a case of mistaken motives.  Rather than reading everything as obey or else, perhaps it is saying, in me, you'll be able to...  In other words, it's more like in me, you will honor your father and mother, you will not be jealous, etc.  and wrath is a way of purifying sin from within us.  It's not a new idea.  The view of sin as disease needing cure has been around a long time.  It fits so well when you start applying it.  Even Jack's idea of hell being locked from the inside is built along these lines.  I don't want to get into the theology of it.  That is to miss the point.

The point is this:  God does all the work.  We can't change ourselves, save ourselves, or do anything to get rid of that which destroys us.  But God loves us and wants us to love him freely.  The rules are for two purposes: 1. show us what is destroying us by defining how we fail, and 2. warn us of how certain things will destroy us.  The true power of Christianity, which is as otherworldly and crazy sounding now as it was 2000 years ago is that we don't have to do anything.  Just open myself to the reality, the mere possibility even, and breathe.  Let that love become real to me.  Then I'll begin to love him back.  And that's what he wants.  Not obedience, not sacrifice, the love of his children.  He delights in us and in raising us.  I want to live like this.

Good News

The word Gospel means good news. It is derived through a long series of languages and changes. It has become so accepted that many Bible translations use it as the translation (i.e. they don't use the modern English equivalent for the original word, they simply say "Gospel"). But what is it?

The New Testament is pretty clear about it. In 1 Corinthians 15:1 and on it says,
Now I would remind you, brothers, of the gospel I preached to you, which you received, in which you stand, and by which you are being saved, if you hold fast to the word I preached to you—unless you believed in vain. For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures, and that he appeared to Cephas, then to the twelve.

OK. Great. But why is that good news? I'm convinced it has to do with that little word, which has also been so Christianized that we don't even like to talk about it: sin. the idea of doing something wrong. Without that conception, we can go no further. I could apologize the concept, but that's another topic entirely. So assuming that we recognize our failure, it says that Christ died for our sins. Now this letter goes on to talk about resurrection, so this statement was not meant to treat the "Gospel", but to argue against those who denied resurrection...again, another topic.

My point is that this good news is essentially a pardon. God in't mad at us any more. We've been freed from that guilt. The sin problem is gone. The price has been paid. This really is good news if you understand that you are guilty to begin with!

So why does modern Christianity spend so much time trying to convince us how to be better? How to do better? We focus so much on the problems that we ignore or render ineffective the solution. This is essentially to take the good out of the news!

It isn't that Jesus died to make a way, though he certainly did that. The good part is that we no longer have to live under that curse. This is big news to me and extremely good! Let's face it, in reality, the world is pretty screwed up. We candy coat it, insulate against it, and look for the "points of light" in it. But the truth is there's a lot of crap that goes on out there. We can't escape it. Even if you are one of those who believe we could "if only"... I'd reply, then show me one verifiable case where someone did completely overcome it because just today I passed a bunch of people who sure looked like they didn't get the news!

But ok, so if God isn't mad, why all the bad stuff? Well obviously we self-inflict it as a species. Certainly not every person deserves what happens to them, but as a species, we are the ones screwing up things such that unjust systems persist. So someone does evil and evil has a price. That price is exacted on them or on someone else, but it is exacted. This very much colors "the wages of sin" bit from Romans 6:23. Sure the wages are death. But think about that. I always interpreted that to mean we would be punished by death for our sins. But it doesn't say penalty. It says wages. We get wages from an employer for doing work. So you work evil, you get death from evil. These are the natural results. It's not a punishment, it's simple consequence! This is HUGE!

It fits so well with my understanding of God's nature. He is good. Not merely that goodness is an attribute; He is it. So bad, by definition, is something not from God. But nothing can be 'not from God', because He makes everything. Existence is within Him. So bad can not be a thing because a thing would exist and therefore would proceed from God, which would make it good. So if bad-ness is not a thing, yet it is the opposite of good, it can only be a negation of something that exists. So bad things are not bad in themselves. They are good things that have been negated...perverted, if you will. So every action has a reaction, right? Well you negate something, pervert it, and you receive that thing perverted plus the absence of what it was. So if we negate our very existence, the absence of our life is what? Death! Ergo the wages of sin is death. But the gift of God is eternal life...read that all again and let it sink in. We negate our own existence and are unable to do otherwise. Hell is truly locked form the inside! So God decided to break into our existence and fix it by restoring what we negated. And by fusing that lesser human stuff with his immutable and good nature, it becomes incorruptible. To take it back to more basic terms, "God in't mad at us anymore." He does not punish us because the punishment has been meted out and absorbed. The justice has been restored. Every human past, present, and future, is no longer under the curse of sin. We are free and that has nothing to do with anything we did or do. The only way to miss it is to refuse to believe it...to continue negating what is.

This is good news!

Extrication

I know that I have everything I need. I know this on the level that all my physical needs are met. I know this on the level that I have all the weapons I need to survive. But lately, I haven't felt it.

I've been extremely stressed and angry. My fuse is getting short and tending toward violence. These are not good patterns. Lately, I've even noticed that I'm warm all the time...hot really. My wife even feels cold sometimes when i am uncomfortably warm. I think something is about to happen. I feel it getting close. To throw back to my Twilight metaphor...which as I've said before is a very insightful book series, even if packaged in a tweeny fad fantasy...I feel like Jacob about to become a wolf. I really find that character appealing, even down to the dog aspect...everyone knows I often refer to myself as a sheepdog.

From another perspective, I have too much fire in my belly. I'm not built for a tame life. Something will have to give. I haven't hit my stride yet. I have not made the change. But I have never done well caged. I am no house pet. And what are our homes and jobs and suburban lifestyle but padded cages? We are locked in debt and consumerism and civic duty and propaganda images of the ideal life which keeps us safely oiled parts of the machine of society. This works for some people and I am learning to accept that diversity even though I do not in the least understand it.

I have recently also been searching for my way out. Not a temporary escape, like Japan, though that too was immensely good for me, but a real permanent restructuring around who I am. Who I was made to be. But the old questions still come up. How do my diverse interests and skills tie together? What is that place that I was cut for? I have yet to find it.

But I do feel like I am getting closer to understanding it. I know that it must be a permanent change. I know that it will involve a freedom from the strictures of the "American Dream". I know that it will be free from the strictures of the American church culture. I know that it will not be for profit, and likely not "economically sound". And very lately...today in fact, as I was pleading with God, as I have been for several days now, to give me something, I discovered the core of my existence. I know it because it fits everything I've ever known about myself. It's not even the first time I've had it revealed to me. But this time it is clearer and slightly more defined, like a glimpse through the mist that is slowly blowing by. It's hard to articulate just yet because, like I said, I don't fully know how it will manifest. But I know that I was built to be a voice and protector of the lost of the lost. The marginalized. Those most of us sweep under the rug. The ones who scare the Sunday Christians to death. It's the type of people illustrated in Dominic Balli's video for Warrior and in Mat Kearney's song Down. The most vulnerable and beaten and lost. I want to put my hand between the cutter's blade and arm. Hold the hair of the bulimic. Wherever the deepest hurts are that can't be expressed, that is where I want to be. I want to be the Catcher in the Rye. I want to set up shop at the Gates of Dis. But as you can see, this could manifest in so many ways!

I am becoming prepared for this. I am hardening in body and mind. I am stripping away what is false. I will become what I am made to be and it will be soon. This fire will burst forth like a holy dragon. And this current attack will not stop me. It was a good try, but I know now that I have all the weapons I need and I'm learning how to call them up and wield them.

This has to be because otherwise a long life is pure torture. I can't live in sight of these needs and unable to help. I can't settle back and enjoy the cage. I am John the Baptist, David on the run, Joshua the warrior. Like all the seers before me, i am unable to do anything else. My life is forfeit to God. I will get out. Mark the words.

You Have All You Need

This has been coming at me from so many angles lately and drumming through my mind. It is true on many levels and I don't even know how to describe it.

I was under a spell...illusioned...taken in by a ploy. The ploy told me that I didn't have all that I need. Not all I needed. It sounded very much like something I would acknowledge and believe, hence the deception. But this often happens that when I am oppressed by something...in this case the awareness of my own finality and vileness...a message is sent to me that will not desist.

I am a new creation. Jesus restored me and has given me life "to the fullest." There is no longer an condemnation for me. While I knew all of this on a different level, now it hits home in a deeper way which many will not understand because they are not inside me.

I was eating a poisoned apple. 99% true with one bit of lie. But any poison makes the apple unfit. And one bad one spoils the bunch, to extend the metaphor. So I was there believing some very true things: I am sinful. I am willfully so. I do not properly regard or react to the grace and gifts given to me. I am naturally depressive. I do have trouble understanding reality. I am angry often. But that's not all I am. This is how I look from the eyes of this world. But the new me, the one that is alive in Jesus' life is whole and perfected and has the entire universe of God's power at my disposal.

Jesus did not come to leave me unprepared. Orphaned again. Left to my own devices. He fixed it. He fixed everything. So I can believe that or I can believe that he did not. That his power is not enough for me.

I needed to hear this from the right places, enough times that it sunk in. I am unstoppable. I have the rest that I seek. I have the joy. It is all right here. There is nothing I lack, nor will there ever be.

I was like the dwarfs at the end of Narnia who refuse to see the provision around them...not for the same reasons as they, but the effect was the same. I could not see nor experience the goodness and the completion because i was too focused on something that is dead and has passed away.

I have all I need.

Two Sides, One Coin

Grace is a central issue of Christianity. Volumes have been written on it. I don't want to repeat or synthesize any of that. This blog is about contemplations, engagement of ideas. I recently read an article on grace in a blog by Wayne Jacobsen where he addresses a question about modern use of grace as license to sin. His answer went, as usual, exactly where I would have gone, but perhaps in a more refined and knowledgeable fashion than I would have managed. In short, he says that apart from a relationship with Jesus all else is human effort and will not work in the end.

Some claim grace is a stamped pass to heaven and thereby ignore the relationship and ignore a call to be holy and become like God. They use grace as license to continue in their own will and sinful desires. Others claim grace only opens the door but it is up to us to do an endless variation of things that all amount to earning our salvation in some fashion or other. Even the Evangelical alter call is in this group, but that's another story. There are many variations along the spectrum in both directions.

So how are we to find the right balance? This is where Wayne's words struck me most. Anywhere on the spectrum, and truly even trying to find a place on it at all, results in a constant tension between legalism and licentiousness. The whole process is just more human effort.

Like the old War Games moral...the only winning move is not to play. It is only in a relationship of trust (that is what the word faith actually means, just simple trust) that the two sides can make sense and we can get off of that tightrope.

I am given unbelievable grace for all time...that is, I have been forgiven for things for which I am justly guilty. And I must work out my salvation with fear and trembling, not being overconfident. Both are true and make sense in an actual personal relationship. Everyone would agree that if someone bought you out of a mess with no obligation to do so, we should be grateful and would owe that person. Even if they said forget it, we would seek to repay in some way at some point, never forgetting that favor. And if they did ask, we'd do what we could, right? To do otherwise would just be wrong. If that person asked us to hang out with them, we'd probably accept, even if it wasn't the scene we were used to. This is a shallow example of how grace and works are reconciled in a relationship. Of course it will fall apart if we pursue it too much, just as all human metaphors do, but the point is clear enough I think.

So sad that so many people quickly trade that relationship for system and process. Giving more won't make God love you more. It won't make you more blessed. It won't fix your life any more than continuing in all the same old destructive habits will. Sure some things are better than others, but the good in them comes from their connection to the spirit and truth in them, not the acts themselves. They are still curved roads in a curved world all bound in the same circle, to borrow some elven mythology. But you can't hang out with God, listen to him for any length of time, without changing who you are.

Perhaps this is why it's so hard for settled people to go to him and so much easier for the broken. The broken feel they have nothing to lose. While those who feel comfortable could be making a mistake and who knows what he'll ask of them? How beautiful to be forced to let ourselves go to find true freedom. To be forced to trust. Again, this seems an unacceptable condition in a system, but in a personal relationship the benefactor has every right to stipulate the terms of his aid. We do it every day...judging someone's worthiness to receive, to win, to befriend.

Breaking Chains

This phrase is common in Christianity. There are so many references to freedom, to setting captives free, to removing oppression. This IS Christianity. I'm going to try my best to avoid railing about rechaining and the obligatory system of religion people erect under the name of Christianity. So if that's your understanding of the thing, you aren't wrong, but that isn't the truth of it...

...I actually stopped writing this for several days because the idea didn't seem fully formed yet. Maybe it still isn't. I'm not sure quite where to go with this honestly. It was a powerful impression that became half visible in the mist and then vanished before I could get a clear view of it. I'll try just talking about notable occurrences and maybe it will tie up.

I actually had a dream that was not a nightmare last night. This is a first in a very long time. It wasn't the kind of dream that I would seek out or wake from feeling like I really enjoyed it. I haven't had one of those in about 15 years. But at least no one died, no one was chasing me, there was no violence, and no demons or other evil beings. And it was bilingual...in Japanese and English.

For one thing, I had an opportunity to see a good friend again recently who happens to be a powerful dreamer, and we talked about why I dream so horribly. It was just a passing conversation, but speaking out loud some thoughts I hadn't really formed before really seemed to help. It might have had an influence.

Also, I had the opportunity recently to spend some time alone in the wild. I took my newly constructed paddle board for a long paddle up a swampy river. It was running clear at low water, so I could see all the HUGE fish swimming under me. Swam a couple of times to cool off. Felt the bracing effects of fear as alligators up to 10 feet long startled, swam and submerged within 4 meters of me. Raced turtles. Stared vultures in the eye at close range. This is precisely what another friend who happens to be gifted in dream interpretation prescribed when I told him my dreaming predicament several months ago. So that probably helped as well.

I've felt pretty good lately. Allergies have been minor or nonexistent.

My new bike is lighter and faster than my old one, but the gear ratio is much tougher and forcing my legs to get stronger.

My new team member started at work and we get along very well. I found myself able to understand Japanese on TV again almost as well as when I lived there. I don't know why this has occurred.

I saw a fun adventure movie recently that surprisingly had a character which I very much admired. He was a missionary who held his faith in a bold and fearless way all the way to the end. After the movie I found out that both my son and God-daughter thought that character reminded them of me! I was very happy to hear this since that is exactly the kind of person I want to be!

I did not die last year as I expected.

Perhaps, I feel like chains are breaking for me. Deep chains. Chains I didn't even know bound me. I'm feeling a freedom and peace that I have not felt in a long time.

Unattached

Two nights ago around midnight as it was getting very cold (for this part of Florida), and I was about to go to bed, I asked God to tell me what he wanted of me in that moment. I listened quietly for some time and heard nothing. So I went to bed. As I was getting into bed and already feeling the drag of sleep , I thanked him for the warmth and safety I was enjoying and prayed that he would help the homeless that would be enduring such a cold night.

That was when he woke me up...literally quickened me and said, "Go give them blankets." He showed me an image of exactly where to go...a homeless camp near here. I thought it was just my own thoughts at first, but then remembered that I had promised not to ignore his voice. So I asked him if that was what he wanted me to do. He said yes. I said, "right now?" He said yes. I said, "really?" He said yes. This debate went on for a minute or two as I weighed it out and doubted and rationalized. I thought, "I'll make a point to deliver some blankets to a shelter in the morning." That's when my heart started racing. I literally felt it speed up slowly until I was wide awake and it was clear that he meant that instant and I would not sleep unless I forcibly quenched his prompting.

So I got up, got dressed, pulled some blankets out of the closet, wrote a note for my sleeping wife in case she woke up and found me gone, and left for the spot I had seen. As I was leaving, I was excited by the hope that I was about to see God move in a miraculous way. I might walk up on a huddled man or two and offer them these blankets. I might find someone sleeping and shivering and who knew what else might happen!

When I got there it was dark and silent and I didn't see anyone near the exhaust from ice machines or moving off in the woods at the edge of the camp. No lights, no fires, no sounds. I steeled myself and walked over to the edge of the camp which is across a field at the tree line. No one was there. Not knowing what to do, I left to look for some other spots. Perhaps they were all off getting warm somewhere.

I drove to a couple of other nearby camps and found no one. So I passed by the church that feeds and aids them. No activity. So I drove by the 24hour Big Box thinking they must be there to take advantage of the warmth. But I didn't see anyone outside and couldn't carry blankets in and dump them on someone. So I drove back to the spot God had showed me and sat for a minute asking, "now what?" All was silent. So I finally walked over to the camp and left the blankets on the couch. Then went home to sleep.

The next morning proceeded like any other. I didn't see any activity in the frosty camp as I drove by (content to drive instead of bike on that cold day.) Today I drove by and saw someone walking out of the camp. So I know it isn't deserted. I wish I could say he had my blanket with him. Maybe he did, but I couldn't see it. And that's all there is to tell.

As anticlimactic as it may seem, I was reminded of some recent advice I read about living free. It said that we should live unattached to the outcome of what God tells us to do. This way, we obey and leave results up to him. In this perfect release, we are most free to live in his provision moment by moment. Approaching each happening in expectation of what God has for us and in contentment that we do not have to organize, arrange, and plan.

De Facto

I have been sitting in a conference for three days. It always gives me lots of time to think as my mind wanders through the uninteresting portions. Truthfully, I don't find that I get much out of long days listening to people talk. In this age of internet and electronic communication, I find it an antiquated and inefficient system of communicating used mostly to give people an opportunity for free travel. I love webinars, etc. because I can take them at my own pace and even accomplish other things while not having to be trapped in a big room full of people with varying and questionable levels of humor, health, and hygiene.

But I digress. While sitting there listening to various topics, many of which covered a particularly political aspect of my work, namely new controversial regulations, it hit me that the feelings I was having were not unlike watching TV news. I felt alarmed, a bit angry, disillusioned, like I wanted to react and fight a fight, yet powerless to do so. That's when I realized that I was being sucked into the all too common fallacies of hasty generalization, appeals to fear, popularity, and authority. Being confronted with a crush of information about a certain topic from a limited viewpoint by seemingly authoritative figures, assented by the surrounding majority, and which is perceived to be a bad thing, I jump on the bandwagon when in fact, it may not happen, the info may not be accurate, it may not be so bad, and it may not affect me anyway.

Once I realized this, I felt a weight lift. That helped me to think more clearly and even recognize some very presumptive aspects of the argument. I expressed these to a nearby colleague and was not outright dismissed, but got the feeling he wasn't in total agreement. I'm not surprised. He may come around after thinking it through, but most others won't be able to let go of their preconceived ideas enough to see from outside the issue. But that too is a deeper level of the fallacious thinking. Fighting to make them understand even their own fallacies is still a distraction from my purpose.

This has implications for many parts of my life. Fear is a great weapon and together with lies forms the double-edged sword which negative forces use against us. Perhaps their only weapon. That is why we are so encouraged to have faith and not to fear. Possibly more than any other encouragement in the Bible. So how is false fear about a work problem a spiritual issue? It distracts me from what is important. While I have my role to play at work, above that is that same role from the perspective of the Regnum Caelorum, and beyond that even is my work as a servant of my God. This fear appeals to the first two levels and draws me away from what is truly my work.

If I ever want to live free like my regenerated substance allows, I must ever be at my God's disposal. And I mean that in the fullest sense: not just available for his work, but fully dependent on him in real ways...Like all unfallen beings, animals most familiarly, we are called to depend fully on him in our fullest state. Neither sowing nor reaping nor planning, but fully dependent on him. I'm not ready for this, I can assure you. I'm not even sure it's possible in this world. But this is the ideal. This was the state in Eden and will be the state when our new being is fully manifest.

As it goes now, I must focus on what is in front of me at the moment and leave the decisions to him. He will make them known. Truthfully, he even spoke to me despite the throes of fallacious mind I was engaged in. I was so bored at one point that I flicked over to the e-reader on my handheld and ran across Practice of the Presence just where Brother Lawrence was describing this aspect of work. It wasn't just then that this was all revealed, but it primed the lock and a day later all the tumblers had clicked into place.

It's hard to swallow, I know. It goes against my early spiritual training. It flies in the face of our cultural voice. But it is true. Of course I should do my best at everything, as if unto the Lord. But that's just it. I mustn't be distracted into activity which I am not asked to accomplish and which I probably can't change anyway. We all want to be the hero. All the posters tell us that we are the what-if waiting to change the world. But most real heroes attest to being simply there at the moment. NOT having planned it. Having done their deeds in spite of themselves. If I am to be the hero, I will be. But it will be God's spirit acting in me when it occurs and not my wit, perseverance, and ingenuity. These are merely tools that must be powered and operated by the maker, not operating on their own.

Even now, my insides are screaming that this must be qualified. Someone might get the wrong idea, I might delude myself. But I will not change it. It stands against that voice as something I know to be true.

What matters in each moment is what is concretely in front of me to accomplish. Be that smile, lighten a mood, lick a stamp, listen to a personal problem, craft a policy, or make a perspective known...in that moment, in that place. As I step away into what-ifs and what-to-dos I step increasingly further from that purpose.

Does that open the door for gaps in efficiency, function, policy? Yes. But this is where faith comes in. I must believe that God will fill those gaps in his way...and in my experience this is usually at the last minute for many reasons which I won't go into here. But I know that he won't if I keep jumping in like the micromanager.