Not Mine

It's been a while again.  But nothing new.  This blog is intermittent.  Lately one thought has been passing through my head in many different contexts, which means I should probably pay attention to it.

It seems to me that the essence of contentment and goodness and even Christianity itself is the simple statement, "not my will but yours."  The 'your' here referring to God.

How much of our suffering and struggle comes from some facet of wanting our own will, our own way.  Me first.  Whether this is starting a new school, looking for a job, starting a business, finding a place to live, helping someone who won't listen, trying to get volunteers for some project, it doesn't matter.

Sometimes this selfishness is deeply rooted and obscure to our conscious thinking, but I can't help seeing it everywhere.  Buddha said that desire leads to suffering, which speaks to this same point somewhat.  Though I argue that there is a positive desire, a desire for betterment, for completeness.  Simply settling for anything opens the door for all kinds of evils to enter unchecked.

But if there was a supremely good being whose nature was love and fulfillment, whatever this being wanted would necessarily be better than what I wanted, unless of course those desires were aligned, in which case they'd be equal.

I think the primary failing of humanity is this selfish desire.  Therefore the primary goal should be overcoming that flaw.  What was Adam's sin, if not a desire for his own will at the primal level.  What infant, as early and innocent as they may be, does not exhibit this tendency in their grasp and cry and tantrum at not getting what they want, even when they have all they need or the desired item is not good for them?  What major religion or ethical system does not hold selflessness in high regard?

Of course, being so primal, it is also extremely difficult to overcome.  Perhaps the most difficult thing to overcome.  So much of our society even encourages selfishness, capitalizes on it.  Some of the shallowest of us even glorify it into a virtue.  But even internally, it is so hard to let go of our will.  If we don't look out for ourselves, who will?

But isn't that the question?  Can we trust enough to let out own will go?  I know I cannot do this on my own. In many ways, I can make the conscious choice to do this.  But in some of the closest to my heart, I cannot.  Try as I may, I do not have the strength or even the desire to do it...but even here, if I force it, am I not still motivated by my own will?

It's only in the truest loving trust that I can let my will go.  My wife can take so many liberties with me that I don't even blink at, because I see her through eyes of love and trust.  I know she means no harm, even if she is capable of causing harm inadvertently.  How much more could I trust one that will not ever cause harm? 

I know this in my head, but it's only when it becomes a natural reality in my heart that it overcomes the monster of self...or rather the scared animal of self...yes that metaphor fits much better.

Love and trust...these are the primary factors.  But God, how hard they are in some cases!

De Facto

I have been sitting in a conference for three days. It always gives me lots of time to think as my mind wanders through the uninteresting portions. Truthfully, I don't find that I get much out of long days listening to people talk. In this age of internet and electronic communication, I find it an antiquated and inefficient system of communicating used mostly to give people an opportunity for free travel. I love webinars, etc. because I can take them at my own pace and even accomplish other things while not having to be trapped in a big room full of people with varying and questionable levels of humor, health, and hygiene.

But I digress. While sitting there listening to various topics, many of which covered a particularly political aspect of my work, namely new controversial regulations, it hit me that the feelings I was having were not unlike watching TV news. I felt alarmed, a bit angry, disillusioned, like I wanted to react and fight a fight, yet powerless to do so. That's when I realized that I was being sucked into the all too common fallacies of hasty generalization, appeals to fear, popularity, and authority. Being confronted with a crush of information about a certain topic from a limited viewpoint by seemingly authoritative figures, assented by the surrounding majority, and which is perceived to be a bad thing, I jump on the bandwagon when in fact, it may not happen, the info may not be accurate, it may not be so bad, and it may not affect me anyway.

Once I realized this, I felt a weight lift. That helped me to think more clearly and even recognize some very presumptive aspects of the argument. I expressed these to a nearby colleague and was not outright dismissed, but got the feeling he wasn't in total agreement. I'm not surprised. He may come around after thinking it through, but most others won't be able to let go of their preconceived ideas enough to see from outside the issue. But that too is a deeper level of the fallacious thinking. Fighting to make them understand even their own fallacies is still a distraction from my purpose.

This has implications for many parts of my life. Fear is a great weapon and together with lies forms the double-edged sword which negative forces use against us. Perhaps their only weapon. That is why we are so encouraged to have faith and not to fear. Possibly more than any other encouragement in the Bible. So how is false fear about a work problem a spiritual issue? It distracts me from what is important. While I have my role to play at work, above that is that same role from the perspective of the Regnum Caelorum, and beyond that even is my work as a servant of my God. This fear appeals to the first two levels and draws me away from what is truly my work.

If I ever want to live free like my regenerated substance allows, I must ever be at my God's disposal. And I mean that in the fullest sense: not just available for his work, but fully dependent on him in real ways...Like all unfallen beings, animals most familiarly, we are called to depend fully on him in our fullest state. Neither sowing nor reaping nor planning, but fully dependent on him. I'm not ready for this, I can assure you. I'm not even sure it's possible in this world. But this is the ideal. This was the state in Eden and will be the state when our new being is fully manifest.

As it goes now, I must focus on what is in front of me at the moment and leave the decisions to him. He will make them known. Truthfully, he even spoke to me despite the throes of fallacious mind I was engaged in. I was so bored at one point that I flicked over to the e-reader on my handheld and ran across Practice of the Presence just where Brother Lawrence was describing this aspect of work. It wasn't just then that this was all revealed, but it primed the lock and a day later all the tumblers had clicked into place.

It's hard to swallow, I know. It goes against my early spiritual training. It flies in the face of our cultural voice. But it is true. Of course I should do my best at everything, as if unto the Lord. But that's just it. I mustn't be distracted into activity which I am not asked to accomplish and which I probably can't change anyway. We all want to be the hero. All the posters tell us that we are the what-if waiting to change the world. But most real heroes attest to being simply there at the moment. NOT having planned it. Having done their deeds in spite of themselves. If I am to be the hero, I will be. But it will be God's spirit acting in me when it occurs and not my wit, perseverance, and ingenuity. These are merely tools that must be powered and operated by the maker, not operating on their own.

Even now, my insides are screaming that this must be qualified. Someone might get the wrong idea, I might delude myself. But I will not change it. It stands against that voice as something I know to be true.

What matters in each moment is what is concretely in front of me to accomplish. Be that smile, lighten a mood, lick a stamp, listen to a personal problem, craft a policy, or make a perspective known...in that moment, in that place. As I step away into what-ifs and what-to-dos I step increasingly further from that purpose.

Does that open the door for gaps in efficiency, function, policy? Yes. But this is where faith comes in. I must believe that God will fill those gaps in his way...and in my experience this is usually at the last minute for many reasons which I won't go into here. But I know that he won't if I keep jumping in like the micromanager.