Not Mine

It's been a while again.  But nothing new.  This blog is intermittent.  Lately one thought has been passing through my head in many different contexts, which means I should probably pay attention to it.

It seems to me that the essence of contentment and goodness and even Christianity itself is the simple statement, "not my will but yours."  The 'your' here referring to God.

How much of our suffering and struggle comes from some facet of wanting our own will, our own way.  Me first.  Whether this is starting a new school, looking for a job, starting a business, finding a place to live, helping someone who won't listen, trying to get volunteers for some project, it doesn't matter.

Sometimes this selfishness is deeply rooted and obscure to our conscious thinking, but I can't help seeing it everywhere.  Buddha said that desire leads to suffering, which speaks to this same point somewhat.  Though I argue that there is a positive desire, a desire for betterment, for completeness.  Simply settling for anything opens the door for all kinds of evils to enter unchecked.

But if there was a supremely good being whose nature was love and fulfillment, whatever this being wanted would necessarily be better than what I wanted, unless of course those desires were aligned, in which case they'd be equal.

I think the primary failing of humanity is this selfish desire.  Therefore the primary goal should be overcoming that flaw.  What was Adam's sin, if not a desire for his own will at the primal level.  What infant, as early and innocent as they may be, does not exhibit this tendency in their grasp and cry and tantrum at not getting what they want, even when they have all they need or the desired item is not good for them?  What major religion or ethical system does not hold selflessness in high regard?

Of course, being so primal, it is also extremely difficult to overcome.  Perhaps the most difficult thing to overcome.  So much of our society even encourages selfishness, capitalizes on it.  Some of the shallowest of us even glorify it into a virtue.  But even internally, it is so hard to let go of our will.  If we don't look out for ourselves, who will?

But isn't that the question?  Can we trust enough to let out own will go?  I know I cannot do this on my own. In many ways, I can make the conscious choice to do this.  But in some of the closest to my heart, I cannot.  Try as I may, I do not have the strength or even the desire to do it...but even here, if I force it, am I not still motivated by my own will?

It's only in the truest loving trust that I can let my will go.  My wife can take so many liberties with me that I don't even blink at, because I see her through eyes of love and trust.  I know she means no harm, even if she is capable of causing harm inadvertently.  How much more could I trust one that will not ever cause harm? 

I know this in my head, but it's only when it becomes a natural reality in my heart that it overcomes the monster of self...or rather the scared animal of self...yes that metaphor fits much better.

Love and trust...these are the primary factors.  But God, how hard they are in some cases!