Reckless and Painful

The things we feel strongest about are the things we struggle with ourselves.  I recently realized how a few strands of the complex nature-nurture paradigm sort out for myself.  Funny I never saw it before, because it seems so obvious.  Certainly some of my lack of conformity and counter-culture proclivity is natural.  But more than I thought of it is learned.  Not learned, in the positive sense, but in the defensive sense.  Conditioned, I guess is a better word.  This web is complex and I can't sort it all out here.

If you read this blog much, it will be apparent to you that I often struggle with doubt and self-criticism.  I have a pessimistic outlook and must actively look for the good.  I always thought there was something wrong with me, an imbalance of some kind, or just a strangely Puddleglum-like demeanour.  But I'm starting to suspect this may not be the case.  Ultimately, I am what I am now and can't sort out what all is natural vs effects of events and conditions.

But what I can take away from this is that I can like myself.  You see, I have always truly understood that I didn't measure up.  I never cut it.  So I looked for ways to get around it or avoid having to be faced with it.  Ironically, instead of giving up, I learned how to hide it well.  To put on the expected face and even to function at quite a high level.  I've recently learned this is common of people who are raised in an overly critical environment.  Again, I'm not saying it is all someone else's fault, but I previously never considered that it might not be all my fault.  So this is gained ground for me.

Even though I knew God loved me, I could truly never understand why.  This is overwhelming and inhibiting in some ways.  I am now learning to let go of some of that intense self-criticism and see the way God sees me. See myself the way I see others.

This also explains some of my deep hatred for those who prey on those weaker and helpless.  My deep desire to build up and care for the lost and rejected.  I subconsciously can't abide to see another facing what I feel.  To see it ignored. 

It isn't subconscious any more.  Now instead of needing to do it, I can choose to do it.  And I do choose it.  I don't have to.  I could shelter and hedge and prevent further hurt.  But I'm not going to do that.  I'm going to continue to love recklessly and choose to take the hurt that may come with it.  This is what Jesus did.  And this is what he's calling me to do.  So what may have been bad will be turned to good.  My pain will be others' solace.

This in no way excuses those who may have done something wrong to me.  "Woe to the one through whom it comes".  But I will learn to forgive and will pay my pain forward in love.  This is the power of Christ's redemption.  I am freed from fear of pain, freed from the need for self-preservation.  This truly makes me righteous and dangerous, and I can love recklessly and painfully.

I am scarred and broken.  I am wounded and hurt.  I will always be weird and misunderstood.  I will still have bad spells.  But I understand a bit more of who I really am now.  A bit more of the name on the stone has been revealed.  There is power in this.