System

Most people aren't taught to think critically... to analyze.  I think everyone can to some degree.  I was fortunate to be trained in it from an early age, and then more formally in school.  I have a knack for it I think, so it wasn't hard.

Honestly, it has many benefits.  So I want to describe just a bit of the process.  But I doubt you'll actually take the time to see if it works because discipline is another thing most people lack.

Given any question or situation, you simply think to the next logical conclusion, then go back and identify as many other possible conclusions you could come to.  Then you weigh the liklihood of each.  Followed by the positives and negatives of the most likely. 

See, not that complicated.  The hard part is stepping outside of yourself (your own opinions, programming from school and culture, etc) to see other possibilities.  Of course it will be slow at first, but you'll get faster as you get used to it.

From there, you can expand into longer chains of conclusions, learn to work backward to causes, and even play with variables.  It truly turns the world into an erector set of constructs to play with.

But it isn't just mental gymnastics.  The goal is real world application.  The best illustration of it I've seen is in the Robert Downey, Jude Law Sherlock Holmes movies.  They freeze the film at pivotal moments and play through Holmes' thoughts. Then once he's decided, speed up and watch it play out.  It's just like that.  It happens in milliseconds if you get used to it, but can also be used on longer range things.  It's a type of systems thinking.  It allows you to predict many futures with reasonable accuracy and understand causes from mechanical things to emotions.  And it instills a desire to learn more.  Tools for the toolbox, so to speak.  Anything that helps us better process the massive overload of data our brains are constantly receiving. Most people just let their brains parse it out and it never enters consciousness.

This fact actually allowed me to disappear...to become invisible on several occasions.  If I can process what people are noticing and place myself outside of that, I very truly cease to be there in their minds.  I once walked right up to a friend I happened to see in a mall and took his bags.  I walked full in front of his view and he only saw me once the bags moved from his feet.  Another time, I appeared "magically" in front of a friend who was actually looking for me at a crowded movie theater.  I saw him, but he didn't see me until I stepped into his consciousness.  And I frequently used it to walk right past teachers in school, even as other kids would get stopped.

It's useful in driving because I can lay out a path through shifting traffic.  I have used it at work when I noticed that a certain terrible boss would always issue pointless orders (even though the work was done) as he blew through, but only if we were wearing the teal uniform shirts.  That was his unconscious cue.  So I'd casually slip mine off when I saw him roll in and he'd pass me by every time.  People even commented on it.  I told them, and it worked for them too.  Currently, I often leave a few "easter eggs", let's say, in a document or image I send for review.  This lessens the number of comments I get back because reviewers want to find things.  If they don't, they get pickier.  A few subtle but catchable mistakes, results in less needless overhaul.  Of course it's not perfect.  Sometimes unpredictable happens, but that's part of the game.

Of course, there's a downside, if you get really into it.  It tends to make the world far less stable.  In the long run, this is probably a more truthful view, and therefore better, but it makes security an utter illusion.  At best, our most protective systems only account for the few most obvious scenarios.  So if you take this to heart, get ready to swim in deep water forever.  Dry-ground is going bye-bye in this world.  Also, get prepared for the vast majority of people to not understand you at all.  You'll be labelled as negative, critical, manipulative, weird.  And you will be.  Or at least you'll be perfectly capable of it.  So be prepared to hold a tight moral and ethical compass.

Reckless and Painful

The things we feel strongest about are the things we struggle with ourselves.  I recently realized how a few strands of the complex nature-nurture paradigm sort out for myself.  Funny I never saw it before, because it seems so obvious.  Certainly some of my lack of conformity and counter-culture proclivity is natural.  But more than I thought of it is learned.  Not learned, in the positive sense, but in the defensive sense.  Conditioned, I guess is a better word.  This web is complex and I can't sort it all out here.

If you read this blog much, it will be apparent to you that I often struggle with doubt and self-criticism.  I have a pessimistic outlook and must actively look for the good.  I always thought there was something wrong with me, an imbalance of some kind, or just a strangely Puddleglum-like demeanour.  But I'm starting to suspect this may not be the case.  Ultimately, I am what I am now and can't sort out what all is natural vs effects of events and conditions.

But what I can take away from this is that I can like myself.  You see, I have always truly understood that I didn't measure up.  I never cut it.  So I looked for ways to get around it or avoid having to be faced with it.  Ironically, instead of giving up, I learned how to hide it well.  To put on the expected face and even to function at quite a high level.  I've recently learned this is common of people who are raised in an overly critical environment.  Again, I'm not saying it is all someone else's fault, but I previously never considered that it might not be all my fault.  So this is gained ground for me.

Even though I knew God loved me, I could truly never understand why.  This is overwhelming and inhibiting in some ways.  I am now learning to let go of some of that intense self-criticism and see the way God sees me. See myself the way I see others.

This also explains some of my deep hatred for those who prey on those weaker and helpless.  My deep desire to build up and care for the lost and rejected.  I subconsciously can't abide to see another facing what I feel.  To see it ignored. 

It isn't subconscious any more.  Now instead of needing to do it, I can choose to do it.  And I do choose it.  I don't have to.  I could shelter and hedge and prevent further hurt.  But I'm not going to do that.  I'm going to continue to love recklessly and choose to take the hurt that may come with it.  This is what Jesus did.  And this is what he's calling me to do.  So what may have been bad will be turned to good.  My pain will be others' solace.

This in no way excuses those who may have done something wrong to me.  "Woe to the one through whom it comes".  But I will learn to forgive and will pay my pain forward in love.  This is the power of Christ's redemption.  I am freed from fear of pain, freed from the need for self-preservation.  This truly makes me righteous and dangerous, and I can love recklessly and painfully.

I am scarred and broken.  I am wounded and hurt.  I will always be weird and misunderstood.  I will still have bad spells.  But I understand a bit more of who I really am now.  A bit more of the name on the stone has been revealed.  There is power in this.