Not for me

I am amazed at how selfish I am.  I don't think of myself as selfish, and others might call me generous.  But I recently had a realization that stands out to me as more than my own thoughts.  I think this because for one, it hasn't faded.  One thing, I think it was Black Elk, said was that you can tell dreams from visions because dreams fade and visions don't.  I have found it applies to thoughts as well.

Secondly, it brought the most peace I've had since this whole process of moving to the other side of the world started.  I've prayed and sought counsel and prayed, and meditated, and read, and prayed and sought more counsel, but it has been a hugely uphill climb for me, one thing after another.  I think I'm cresting the peak, and there's another just behind it.  I still haven't hit the level ground yet, I just think I'm starting to get used to the struggle.

This revelation was simply, "this isn't about you."  Specifically, this whole process, wasn't for me.  This whole journey, adventure, call it what you will, it was not me who wanted it, and I'm the one enjoying it the least and struggling the most.  I honestly did all of this for my family.  Sure, when I was the one offered the job, I thought maybe there was something for me.  When it all kept working out, I thought it must be meant to be.  But I never knew what that reason or purpose was.  Through everything, in my deepest heart, I didn't want to do this.  Sure I hoped it would work out and I even built a few castles in the air about the whole thing, but I couldn't escape this reluctant feeling.  So sure enough, when things got difficult, I second guessed, I thought we had made the wrong choice, I looked for ways to undo it and salvage what I could of my life.

But meanwhile, my wife and kid are doing quite well.  They've had their ups and downs, some of them pretty serious.  But overall, I think they would call this positive, apart from what it's done to me.  I get that, because the first time we did this (yep, it's all happened before) I was having a great time and my wife was struggling deeply.  She just carries her burdens differently.  Our kid was too young then to have a bad experience as long as mom and dad are there, so he was fine.  This time though, they have work, friends, they even get invited places.  I'm the one that is sick all the time, with little to do, nowhere to go, only the merest acquaintances for friends, working a pointless dead end job with very little respect that ranges from polite disregard to outright disrespect (the head at one of my work locations told me last week that he liked my predecessor better, in nearly as many words as that, thought he still won't tell me why or what he expects me to do differently, and he's one of the nicer ones).

So again, I prayed and searched and kept coming up dry.  But then, I don't even remember when it occurred, the phrase passed through me mind like an electric shock.  I'm part of their story too.  We can't be separated, physically, spiritually, or in the narrative of our lives.  So this time it's their turn.  My wife even wrote that in her application essay (we both applied for work; I got in and she didn't).  So here we are, they're enjoying it and I'm not.  But that's because this isn't about me.  It's for them.

I understand that nothing is ever that simple.  I also know that such revelations are for the moment and, as George MacDonald termed it, become inedible tomorrow, like the manna in the desert.  But that doesn't negate the value.  It is sustaining me for the moment, and that is exactly what I needed.  Something to sustain me, to give me a reason to get up and keep doing this.  And it also gives me a reason to shut up a little.  I can't hide my struggles from my family.  That would be to make matters worse.  But I can also, as much as I am able, not inhibit their ability to enjoy and gain from these experiences, which appear to have a prewritten close.  We didn't know it coming in, but I had prayed not to have to make the decision to stay or return, and it appears that has been granted too, thank God. But that's a story for another time.

Right now, I'll take the consolation I can get and I'll continue to try to learn from this all...that's what I do.  And right now, I'm learning how selfish I still am.  A mentor of mine once said that self-centeredness has many manifestations.  We all know the bratty child (or adult) that has to have everything their way.  But focusing on ourselves in other ways is just as much selfishness because it's still self-centered.  We can be entirely self-deprecating and still be as selfish as the brat.  To cease being selfish, we have to cease putting ourselves at the center of our own universe.  And this is not something I can do on my own.  Nonetheless, it must happen.  So I'm going to open myself once more, and hopefully a little wider, to the saving, transforming power of the Lord of Spirits.

God you know my heart better than I do.  You know my needs and my desires.  You know my abilities and my flaws.  I am what I am and in myself that is as much as I'll ever be.  If I am to be anything more, to be better, to be greater, freer, more real, complete and alive, then you have to do it.  I can not.  You know I've tried.  And you know how I've continued to fail and strain and lie.  So here goes, one more time, hands off the rope.

Practicum Part 3

I knew it would come.  I think I have my resolution.  It came today in what I can only describe as a moment of spiritual revelation.  As usual, this will not translate into words very well.  But I'm documenting it anyway.

A new person started at work this week and guess what?  Yep.  Not married, but I have it on good authority.  It will be a hard road working amongst these rough field guys, and doubly so because he was sort of foisted on to them by a management decision.  I'm pretty sure this detail of his personality hasn't, shall we say...come out.

So today as I was leaving I had a desire to reach out and be friendly, even though this person doesn't work for or with me.  It was simply an offhand greeting with a little more friendliness than perhaps is typical.  Simple, but a reaching out nonetheless.  It stems from a desire to be Christ-like to others.  Caring for widows, orphans, and foreigners.

So then on the way home it hit me that I had a desire to reach out simply because he was an outsider and I understand how that could be hard.  Then from somewhere deep it flooded over me that it is wrong to create difficulty for people.  Not just wrong here, but wrong in my conundrum about marriage.  How could I imitate Jesus who didn't "break a bruised reed" if I was at all harsh or declarative about things I believe.  I would never do anything toward this person but show them respect and kindness, regardless of their situation, so it should be the same for everyone.

It wasn't an intellectual understanding.  It was less clear and more full.  Full of emotion and rightness, so I knew I had my answer.  Even this blog over this topic may be too much for people who don't at all understand where I'm coming from and I debated deleting these posts.  But then I thought it may serve more good to leave them as they stand in case someone stuggling with a similar issue may stumble across (or be guided to) them.  Perhaps it will be helpful.  Or maybe it could help someone who has been mistreated understand those who have been hurtful.  Plus, like Paul, if I must boast, let me boast in my failings because in them Jesus is shown to be who he is: the fullest revelation of God and the perfection of humanity.

So if my recent blogs have confused or estranged anyone in my seeming judgementalism, I sincerely apologize.  I ask that you come to know me before you judge me, just as you want others to do for you.  This was not about hatred or politics.  It has been a true chronicle of one person's struggle to deal with a surprising reaction in myself.

While I have not at all changed my beliefs on it all, you can be certain that I will not force them upon anyone or treat anyone wrongly because of my issues, God help me.

I am a complex and growing person, just like everyone else and we all have our issues that God is perfecting in due time.  I will aid this in myself and in others if I can.  But it is in his hands, not mine.  And where I am unsure or where my issues rub up against yours, I will try my best to not make things more difficult.

Practicum

It was going to happen sooner or later.  I had no idea how I was going to respond to it and I'm finding it harder than I thought.  I'm talking about same-sex marriage.  So this is an attempt to sort my own thoughts.  As always, it's raw, so tune out now if you're going to be offended.

By way of background, I do not ascribe to any ideas that confuse politics with sexuality or faith.  I believe that people are free to make choices.  Some choices are good for us, others aren't.  Some are right, others aren't.  Regarding homosexuality, I frankly don't want to hear about your orientation any more than I want to hear about your latest sexual exploits.  I don't define people by what they do with their *&@$#.  That extends to any acts.

But I am not blind.  It is obviously a mark of identity for some people.  I have personal friends on both sides of this line (out and proud, and discreet).  But it is only one aspect of their personality.  I don't define my friendships based on who is honest at work, who has been divorced, who has had sex outside of marriage, who is habitually confrontational, or who does *&^@ with %$^&.  Get my point here?

But as a Christian, I do not believe it is a good choice or a healthy choice.  Though, it's no different to me than cheating on a test or eating junk food.  So I'm not in your face about it, ask me and I'll tell you.  Otherwise, it's not an issue.  (aside: some will say it is not a choice.  I know the argument and don't agree for many well-thought out reasons that I don't want to go into for sake of space.  I've blogged about them before, so look them up if that's your beef.)

So that said, now I am being forced to recognize it in a way I am not comfortable with.  Where you were previously just Joe and Tom.  Now you're Tom's husband Joe.  Somehow to me, this terminology seems I am being forced to be complicit with a wrong, like Daniel being forbidden to pray to anyone but Darius.  I wouldn't introduce you to my drug-addict friend Eddy or my stripper friend Pixie.  That may be who they are, but I'm not defining them by it.  Do you see what I mean here?

I don't even truly have a problem with same-sex people cohabitating and receiving benefits given to married couples.  But to call it marriage is the problem.  I'd have rather seen them take the civil part out of marriage.  Abolish it before the law in favor of civil unions for all.  Then marriage remains a religious or social institution that I can recognize or not as my faith and liking allow.  But now the law of the land says I have to call it marriage.  I can refuse and could lose a job, friendships, or worse in the future.  But is this worth it?  Is this the line in the sand that I go to the lions for?

Many Christians may avoid this problem by simply avoiding and cutting off any such ties.  This seems the monastery approach.  Just pull away from society.  The other option is to go with the culture and moralize around it.  But if this is something I have no Godly wiggle room on, then by doing so I am one of the lukewarm, the goats amongst the sheep, the Israelites who continually turned to foreign gods.  I'd love to do one or the other, since it would save a lot of headache for me, but that's just not how I work.

So now the choice is immanent before me.  For the first time, two people walked into a group that I operate and introduced themselves as wives.  Ok, so what?  Just ignore it and treat them like anyone else.  I did, and will.  I will always be respectful.  But this creates a potential problem for me since I have people in that group who sit on both sides of the issue.  I lead it, so I set the tone for how it works.  I plan to simply not make it a thing, remain officially silent on it.  But what do I do if I set up an event at one party's premises and the other party shows up?  Recipe for disaster with me as the main blamed ingredient.

So I can grow a set and take the heat from whichever side or both.  But I have to know where I stand to do that, even if my stance is a third one from the perceived dichotomy.  I just don't know what it IS yet.  And that's the problem.

All in all, I trust it will work out.  I just need to walk in faith that the resolution is already planned, I just haven't gotten there yet.  Thankfully, this is a relatively easy test case, since it will be far harder when, say, an employee has a same-sex spouse.  Then it really hits the fan.  Since I work in government, I don't have the same choices private businesses do.  Do I stand my ground at that point and trust I'm acting rightly?  Or do I not have to do that?  What is acting rightly, even?  I simply don't want to call a man the husband of another man or a woman the wife of another woman.  That's all it is really.  But this is no different than Daniel.  Couldn't he have just prayed silently with no outward signs for a month?  It's a shading of the line in both directions.  Many early Christians were said to have lost their faith when they made the customary respectful gestures to the Roman god statues in a store.  This seems the same thing.

I really don't know what to do yet.  In my heart, I don't want to hurt anyone or drive them away from God.  My life has been built on helping the unhelped.  Living what I believe.  Seeking the one lost sheep.  Is the controversy I perceive a function of my legalistic upbringing or is there more to it?  Is this issue going to be something that forces me into a much larger boldness in that it will force me to label myself far sooner?  I've favored erring toward grace and letting my actions define me.  How do I do that here?  How do I teach my kid to do?

I respectfully refused to pray at Japanese temples, and I wouldn't build a mikoshi (portable shrine) as asked to do because it is believed to house a god.  If it was simply a parade float with religious origins, that would be different.  But when I asked, the first thing anyone mentioned was about the god.  So I'm out.  How do I bow out this time?  Do I even need to?  It's got me twisted up.  It really has.

Animal

I feel like a wild animal. This bears explanation because most people probably think something other than what I mean by the phrase. Wild animals are cautious and wary. But they are also calm and calculating. They alertly size up any situation and react in predictable ways.

The reason most people don't see this is because they are too out of touch to get close. The wild things know they are coming far before they get there. But if you learn to be more wild, you'll be amazed at what you see. Imagine being the one who surprises them! It's not that hard.

But anyway, I feel like this most of the time. I do not like being seen unless I intend to. I like to be aware, to read situations for danger or instability. If it looks unsafe, my guard never drops. Sometimes this looks like inattention, but it's exactly the opposite. I'm either distracted by something I need to track, or there are too many things to allow focus on any one for long.

I have pretty set behavior patterns. What's mine is mine, what's not mine is not my concern. I share freely, and do not take more than I need. But I expect the same courtesy. You are welcome to shared space, and I won't bother your space, but stay the **** out of mine unless I allow it. And those lines are pretty clear.

Wild animals do not just attack. They attack in order to eat, in which case, they do not over kill. Or they attack for defense. And usually after ample warning. I have faced alligators, snakes, sharks, hogs, deer, dogs, raccoons, wild goats, even wasps and spiders. None ever attack wantonly. In fact it's pretty hard to get them to do it. They'll take large amounts of harassment first. But when they do attack, it's not play time. They are trying to end the conflict decisively. Once it's over, there's no further problem, though they may be warier next time.

I too, hate conflict. But I also hate being messed with. So when things escalate, I'm not playing and one or both of us will be hurt in serious ways. Trust me, I'm seeking to end the conflict as decisively as possible. I may not be the biggest or most threatening, but my advantage is that, by that point, I'm not holding back. And I'm preparing for this far before most people would be. So it's best to heed the warnings. No "bucking up", no rules. I will disable the threat as quickly as possible. When I engage know that I will attempt to permanently injure or kill. I don't want to do that. So for God's sake, don't push it.

Is that scary? Only if you plan to push it. It's not berserk here. It's just wild. The other side of wild is the tender soft side. Wild animals are not monsters. They are loving and feeling in proportion to their kind. They are intensely loyal, and often quite forgiving and generous. For them, there is only one way to be, and that is the right way. They make mistakes and they learn. But no wild thing ever tries to be bad, or cheat, or ruin. They simply are what the were made to be and strive to do that to perfection. We hate being trapped. We are most whole and happy when free and in the wild.

This is me. I've known for a while, but it was freshly opened to me recently. If you know me, I'm sure you can see how this fits. If I'm confusing somehow, see if this doesn't help explain.

Is this normal? Certainly not in the statistical sense. I don't know about any other senses. Is there a place for me in this world? Yes. But our culture hates wildness. The fear/control complex requires that since it, by definition can't be controlled, it must be eliminated, or at least driven from daily awareness.

This is a hard realization. To know that your people will always misunderstand, manipulate, and try to control the very thing that most defines you, and you with it.

Speak

Today as I was reading George MacDonald, a scene leapt off the page and pierced me right through.  I could quote it, but it wouldn't possibly have the same effect as when it happened, so I won't bother.

Let me start at the beginning.  I'm reading At the Back of the North Wind.  From the very first, the description of the North Wind was remarkably like a sort of person I envisioned in a story I was writing once before.  It was not so much a story, but a vision that seemed to want telling.  Sort of like CS Lewis' image of Aslan that sparked the Narnia series.  Of course I didn't know about Aslan and Narnia at the time. 

Anyway, I tried to write a story about it, but the story wouldn't carry.  It was really just this impression of a person.  It's uncanny that more than a hundred years before, George MacDonald wrote a story about a character who looks nearly exactly as the one I saw.  But muses and all...

So today I read a scene where North Wind says something that I very nearly said verbatim last year.  Lest you think it's a common phrase that would naturally repeat, I'll tell you more.  In the book, North Wind is leading Diamond (the child) across the high ledges of a cathedral.  He's afraid he'll fall and she chastises him for not trusting her.  He tells her he's not trusting because he may falter.  And she replies that even if he fell and she lost her grip, she'd be after him such that she'd catch him before he hit the ground.  And last year as my Goddaughter was afraid of falling out of a boat, I assured her that if she began to fall out, I'd be in the water before she got wet.

But this is only the precursor.  A sign post that had me taking notice so I wouldn't miss what was coming.  In this same scene, the words then jumped out as Diamond and North Wind talked of previously being higher and unafraid, but now being afraid of falling into the deep empty church.  The lines were as if spoken to me.  I know what they mean and it is beyond the story.  This is exactly my apprehension of late.

But then North Wind leaves Diamond to make his way on his own, saying "Come after me".  He is afraid, but then she blows a gentle puff in his face and he draws strength and moves forward.  The blowing increases always gentle, but fortified with strength, and steadily infuses him as he moves.  Right here is where it pierced like an icicle of light right into my brain.  My eyes welled and overflowed.  God was speaking these familiar words directly to me in that moment.  I know the voice.  I know the reaction.  Call it crazy if you want, but it happened.  It's not the first time.

This can be confirmed because it is timely.  As I face trepidating circumstances, struggles with my place in the Kingdom, concerns over being alone, comes this necessary and direct comfort speaking to all of them perfectly and deeply.  I don't expect you to understand, and I don't seek your approval or acknowledgement.  Call me heretic even.  This was for me.  God speaks.  Not just through some systematized list of methods, not even through one collection of writings.  He speaks whenever and however He chooses, to whomever He chooses.  And His voice is unmistakable. 

I go no further than this.  But no less far.

I don't know where or how, but I am linked to George and Jack and Henry and Theresa and Francesco.  And I hear you God.  I am coming after you across the buttresses and ledges and spires.  I won't fear falling, nor the empty church below.  My place is in your wind, whipping full around me.  Help me never forget.

41,000

There are an estimated 41,000 Christian denominations.  This varies depending on how you count, but lower numbers are around 33,000.  Wow.  That's a lot.  And I'm sure this doesn't pick up many 'flavors'  and styles within denominations.

The fact that there are so many doesn't really concern me.  Humans are a persnickity people who love to lump and split and join and faction.  Especially with things so dear to our hearts, like sports teams, and colleges, and fashion styles, landscaping, music, and religion.  I believe this to be a natural, though often perverted and at times over active tendency based in our genetic tribalism.  I've said it before; wolves have packs, birds have flocks, humans have tribes.  Best to simply accept it and move on.

But anyway, the thing that concerns me is what happens amongst Christians...they tend to assume people are on their side.  I can't tell you how many times I've talked to someone who finds out I'm a Christian who then assumes I believe so many things that they associate with it.  When statistically, I'm far less likely to believe what they do.  Of course it would be more prudent to discover a little more about my beliefs before getting into controversial topics, or simply avoid them altogether, but prudence is not a popular quality, nor is logic taught widely enough to achieve the same effect simply from efficiency.

So why do so many people automatically assume I am of their particular bent in what is truthfully quite a diverse pool?  Some of it is probably that people don't really encounter that many of the denominations in their lives.  Many are very small and regionalized, so it's a much smaller set of groups people encounter.  But even if there were only five major groups (I believe most people encounter far more than that) the beliefs could be different enough to teach us we may not be talking to someone who believes like we do.

So then there's training.  Most people really only know one or two in any depth.  Even if they've encountered others.  And if we know more, we're usually taught they are wrong.  This isn't usually the actual teaching, nor the reason the denominations split.  As CS Lewis said, those at the center of the wheel are much closer together than those at the end of the spokes.  If you research it, you'll find it is usually a very minor point of order or belief that caused the split.  Then culture and human nature did the rest.

But to return to the point, people may assume I believe like them, because I wouldn't be where they are, and friendly, if I didn't.  Or else, I've just confessed I do (in their mind) by the use of the term Christian, which they take to mean their version of it (which could be the only version they know).

Then some of it may be due to the fact that we don't talk about it in America.  I truthfully talked more publicly about my faith, and to a much more receptive audience, I might add, in Japan.  Coming from a pluralistic background, and in the safety of their decidedly non-Christian culture, my beliefs were no threat to them.  I was in no danger of wrecking their country with my weird ways.  So they could be genuinely curious and respectful.  I don't know about other countries, but I imagine other cultures range up and down the spectrum of tolerance from my two experiences.

Anyway, we don't talk about religion much in America, so it's almost a cagey thing to even bring up...even in a church.  We aren't used to explaining our beliefs or talking openly about them.  So when someone finds a 'clue' that I might share their beliefs, they drop guard and assume without thinking about the reality.

To branch out a bit, I'm convinced that many people abandon the term Christian altogether for more or less the same reasons.  Some don't want to be associated with the notion they have in their head of one denomination or experience when really their beliefs are very close to many other types of Christianity.  Some don't want others to think they're "one of those people" because of the negative connotation they bring to it.

So doesn't one of these denominations have to be right? How can I be so loose about it?  Well, sure, Truth, by definition can't be pluralistic.  But we're talking about human systems here.  At the root of Christianity there are some basic tenets that most groups will align on.  For one, they all center on the man Jesus.  They may differ on exactly who he was or what he did, but those distinctions are for the individual to root out.  We also all pretty much follow the same moral code...which incidentally we share with every other major world religion because (here's a secret), it wasn't created by Jesus.  It's innate to all humans.  The Bible even talks about this.  The rest is mostly just style, culture, and opinion.

Of course, ruling out all the distinctions for a watery ecumenical faith is not good either.  I'm simply suggesting we, first of all, know what we believe and recognize it as part of a wondrous diversity.  The God who could generate such a world of lifeforms could certainly reflect some diversity in music style and opinion.  Secondly, don't be afraid to explain your beliefs...which is tied to my third point: don't assume others believe the same way.  Go ahead and investigate and decide what's right for yourself.  Then stick to it.  But just because I go to certain place or say a certain thing, doesn't mean I'm also number 31,234...I could just as well be 31,235, or even 14,657!  And my version may just have an answer for the burning problem you want to talk about.

Own the Pain

A friend and mentor used to say, "own the pain".  It's a phrase that struck home with me and has recently come to have an even deeper meaning.  I've expressed the idea to people before but most don't seem to get it.  Just a few minutes ago an explanation came to me that seems so much clearer.

It refers to a situation where we have been wronged or hurt.  We can react in many different ways, but most of us have a sense of justice that makes forgiveness and healing hard to do.  Even those of us who have been so beaten down as to turn inward when wounded will not be able to forgive, but will close down and bottle up.

But owning the pain is about deciding to bear the pain inflicted on you on behalf of the person who inflicted it.  It is an act of love.  It is a participation in the suffering Jesus endured for us.  Truly it is to do for another what Jesus did for us.  It is to be Jesus to the person who hurt you.

It is to stand before God and the world and say, these are MY wounds and MY pain.  To take them, as unjust as they may be, and let love overcome the hurt and damage.  It is to willingly accept the suffering without a word to the one who hurt you.  They don't need to be sorry.  They don't even need to acknowledge you are hurt.  It is to cry and ache and pray through it for them.  It is to bear on your heart and body the marks of Jesus.

It is to be Ashitaka taking San's dagger to your chest and enfolding her in your arms even as the blood runs down.  

It is to vanquish hate.

It is to stand before the Judgement Seat and say that you find no fault in that person.  To answer not that you forgive, but that there is nothing to forgive.  It is to participate in a real way in someone's salvation.

Expansion

I am so blessed.  This is a phrase that is hard to say with any real meaning since it is so cleche.  But I refuse to let it be stolen from all usage.  I am blessed.  My household is expanding.  Even as I shed the last vestiges of the American Dream.  Prayers are being answered.  God is meeting my needs in very real and close personal ways.  This is also cleche, but I'm beginning to understand it.

My family has expanded and improved...been touched by glory, even.  My wife is more beautiful to me than ever before.  More desirable and more satisfying.  I mean that.  She is a total package of internal and external beauty.  I find myself staring at her and even notice that the intentionally titillating stuff on TV and movies has no real appeal to me compared to her.  I'm not making this up.  I'm human and do not lie that I have been attracted by this kind of thing.  But recently, I find it holds nothing for me compared to her.

My son is growing and learning to adapt to his new life.  I've always had a hard time connecting with him, but I think we are making progress there.  He might finally be learning to see the real goals of my training and discipline.  And I am ready to be more honest with him about it.  I never thought much good could come from hiding things, even small things like why we tell him to do certain things, or how we budget our money, etc.  And I think he is responding.

I have a beautiful goddaughter whom I love dearly.  She is not merely the kid that I stood next to in some ceremony.  She was imprinted on my heart by God himself.  She is truly beautiful, as she begins to grow up and I can see that she will be a stunning picture of physical beauty, but her heart is tender and sweet.  she thinks often of others first and will be a model for what God intends for a woman to be.  She is beginning to trust this relationship and see her own real value beyond the cheesy self-esteem stuff.  She is lovely and lovable and she is learning how to live in that.

Her mom is starting to accept us as family as well.  We are learning to communicate and help each other in real ways and my hope is that this will continue to grow into an increasingly permanent bond of family.

And lastly, we just recently became godparents to her other daughter!  A brilliantly smart and beautiful teenager who quickly understands situations in a very insightful way.  She is equally modest about her successes and strengths.  Which is so appealing in this age of boasting and self-aggrandizing.  She is physically and emotionally beautiful and so smart, making for a very appealing woman.  My hope is that she will come to understand her value as her sister is learning to.

She was recently added to our family because God started to point her out to us.  We have loved her for a long time now, but finally the time was right to ask her if we could be her family and she was so happy.  As am I.  I have long believed that family is found more in the intentional relation of people than in any other form.  The saying is only part true.  Blood may be thicker than water, but spirit is the strongest bond of all.  I have also long felt a hole in myself that bit by bit, I learned was cut for this very thing.

I don't know how long things last.  I'm sure trials and troubles will come again.  But I also feel confident that I am not in the same place I was before.  God has raised me up.  He has expanded my territory.  Not just my family, but my work, my friends, my finances, my health, everything is now bearing a light of power and glory.  I know that whatever comes, I shall not be forsaken and my God is my strength and my hope.  I hope my reach as Legatus Regni continues to expand to reveal God's glory in this world.  And regardless of that, I will stand by those God has given me as long as I live.

To them I say that they have nothing to fear.  God has answered their prayers.  They may not see it or know it yet.  But I am just the advance runner bringing news of what is to come.  Just wait and see.  And I will be there with you and for you all through everything to come.  This is not my promise.  This is God's promise to you.  I am made for this, so it is pure joy and fulfilment for me to be this gift to you.  In short, I love you.

How Could You

I don't usually post this kind of thing, but I think I need to get it off my chest. It hits me time and again and I have never been able to come to terms with it.

I once knew a group of people that changed my life. I learned from them, they helped form me into the adult I am, though they probably didn't realize the impact they were having. Truthfully, it wasn't all the people, but the context of the group. We shared a faith that was a breath of fresh air to me. Having been raised in a much more stifled religious community and questioning it, I met these people who lived what I wanted. Faith was central, but conformance was not. What was sacred was, what wasn't was disregarded. Tradition for its own sake was abandoned. We lived and shared many things together. Over a few years people came and went and the group ran its course as they all tend to do. I was even one of the advocates to let it go once the end was apparent. This is all good and I take no issue with it.

What I do take issue with is something which I have never been able to convey, partly because I am too passionate about it to control my emotions, even more than a decade later, and partly because I don't want to hurt anyone, and partly because I am always afraid I am wrong. This is the fact that so many have forgotten their first love. They have turned away from that free and beautiful faith that defined us into all manner of apostasies and even perversions of varying degrees.

Those about whom I write (should they ever read this [which is highly unlikely]) know that I mean these terms literally and not with the usual religious connotations. So that apostasy is a falling away from what they once believed and perversion is any twisting of truth. I say this because I want to be very clear that the cultural lines this group recognized were not the same as most of popular Christianity, though theologically we were very orthodox.

How could you do this? How could you express so tearfully your pains and your hope? How could you plead so passionately for God's will? How could you speak so boldly about the truth? And then reject it.

We all have doubts. We all have seasons of warm and cold, wet and dry, mountain and valley. But you yourselves claimed and proclaimed this and that God is big enough to handle it.

I would think this a season, but to see such utter rejection is too much! You make light of God's mercy and forbearance. To completely think it false?! To reject even his very existence?

If you are hurt because something went bad for you and you did not receive the help you expected, admit it and we can move on; God's arms and mine are waiting wide for you. If you believed wrongly and think differently because of some reasoning, we can work through it. But don't throw out the baby, the tub, and the bathroom with it! If you believed it once there is something to it still. Perhaps the sticking point you have is valid and your old belief system needed to be razed. But the One that drew you is still there. He is real. Don't you remember? Don't you feel the longing in your soul? Or if life has hardened you so much, do you not at least remember the feeling of longing and the satisfaction of feeling His presence?

Or were you just such a good liar? Did you fool me and others into thinking your words, motives, and actions were real? Perhaps you think that is the truth...but I don't believe it. While you might think you are so good at lying, I know from my own experience that we rarely are as good at it as we think. I saw through you. I knew what was real and what was put on more than you think. Chances are many of us did. And there is something lovely and fragile and light in your heart of hearts. This thing is the spark of the real you.

Don't forget it. I stand here waiting, praying for you. It was real. I was there. Even if you doubt it now, I was there and stand here to confirm that it was not a sham. I was there when God spoke through you all. I saw glimpses of your true self. You are the Forgiven. There is nothing to hide from, nothing rejecting you. I am standing here waiting for you and I'm not alone.

Kogeteiru

This word means burnt. I recently watched a very cute series of 4 minute animated shorts (typical Japanese PSA style) called Kogepan, or Scorched Bread. It's about a jam-filled bun that was left in the oven too long. The series describes his life and outlook. He's sour and hard. Unsatisfied with himself. Unable to be sold, which is the dream of every bread. His crusty exterior belies a soft heart though. Kogepan makes friends with others who share his fate and even meets others who are worse off, yet more enlightened (Charcoalpan). He even learns that the pretty buns also have problems.

This is a beautiful example of the Japanese heart. The very fact that they would produce a series of PSAs designed to help others understand those who "easily give up and sleep when they're angry", those who are different and unable to be like the normal buns, indicates the inclusive nature of what it is to be Japanese. Not only does this series help others understand the "kogepan" among us, but it gives a glimmer of hope to the kogepan so they will not feel so alone and can find a reason to live.

I understand this well because I am a Kogepan, though gifted with the ability to communicate it where many cannot. This isn't unique by the way, many famous artists, writers, and actors are kogepan too. We can't change how we were made. We were exposed to a bit too much of the heat of life and that is not our fault. We would often prefer to be otherwise and try to scrape off the crusty parts, hide them under frosting, and we would prevent others from being burnt, even when it's romanticized into something attractive.

This is an important understanding that is often lacking in America. We can't help it. This isn't a blame shifting or shirking of personal responsibility. Chances are we Kogepan blame ourselves far more than others could know. What we need is acceptance. That's all.

This is why it angers me SO much when people downplay it, or make fun or offer candy platitudes. Mostly they don't even realize that I AM one of the Kogepan. And I know what it's like to barely be holding on, and how much pain and depression those kind of careless sentiments, even if well-meaning, can cause. Did they never think that the Kogepan might just have tried all of that!

For us Kogepan, we must remember that we can not understand the ways of the Baker, nor do anything about it, even if we could. What is, for us, simply is. But we can know this: the things that burned us have made us much closer to the Baker's heart. This is the essence, difference, and glory of Christianity. The weak and messed up are the most dear and most sought after by God.

And in the worst of times (the deep winter), just as the series concluded: in the cold, everyone's breath is white. And this, at least, is a sign that we exist. It's a small thing, but it's something to be happy about.