Own the Pain

A friend and mentor used to say, "own the pain".  It's a phrase that struck home with me and has recently come to have an even deeper meaning.  I've expressed the idea to people before but most don't seem to get it.  Just a few minutes ago an explanation came to me that seems so much clearer.

It refers to a situation where we have been wronged or hurt.  We can react in many different ways, but most of us have a sense of justice that makes forgiveness and healing hard to do.  Even those of us who have been so beaten down as to turn inward when wounded will not be able to forgive, but will close down and bottle up.

But owning the pain is about deciding to bear the pain inflicted on you on behalf of the person who inflicted it.  It is an act of love.  It is a participation in the suffering Jesus endured for us.  Truly it is to do for another what Jesus did for us.  It is to be Jesus to the person who hurt you.

It is to stand before God and the world and say, these are MY wounds and MY pain.  To take them, as unjust as they may be, and let love overcome the hurt and damage.  It is to willingly accept the suffering without a word to the one who hurt you.  They don't need to be sorry.  They don't even need to acknowledge you are hurt.  It is to cry and ache and pray through it for them.  It is to bear on your heart and body the marks of Jesus.

It is to be Ashitaka taking San's dagger to your chest and enfolding her in your arms even as the blood runs down.  

It is to vanquish hate.

It is to stand before the Judgement Seat and say that you find no fault in that person.  To answer not that you forgive, but that there is nothing to forgive.  It is to participate in a real way in someone's salvation.

Kogeteiru

This word means burnt. I recently watched a very cute series of 4 minute animated shorts (typical Japanese PSA style) called Kogepan, or Scorched Bread. It's about a jam-filled bun that was left in the oven too long. The series describes his life and outlook. He's sour and hard. Unsatisfied with himself. Unable to be sold, which is the dream of every bread. His crusty exterior belies a soft heart though. Kogepan makes friends with others who share his fate and even meets others who are worse off, yet more enlightened (Charcoalpan). He even learns that the pretty buns also have problems.

This is a beautiful example of the Japanese heart. The very fact that they would produce a series of PSAs designed to help others understand those who "easily give up and sleep when they're angry", those who are different and unable to be like the normal buns, indicates the inclusive nature of what it is to be Japanese. Not only does this series help others understand the "kogepan" among us, but it gives a glimmer of hope to the kogepan so they will not feel so alone and can find a reason to live.

I understand this well because I am a Kogepan, though gifted with the ability to communicate it where many cannot. This isn't unique by the way, many famous artists, writers, and actors are kogepan too. We can't change how we were made. We were exposed to a bit too much of the heat of life and that is not our fault. We would often prefer to be otherwise and try to scrape off the crusty parts, hide them under frosting, and we would prevent others from being burnt, even when it's romanticized into something attractive.

This is an important understanding that is often lacking in America. We can't help it. This isn't a blame shifting or shirking of personal responsibility. Chances are we Kogepan blame ourselves far more than others could know. What we need is acceptance. That's all.

This is why it angers me SO much when people downplay it, or make fun or offer candy platitudes. Mostly they don't even realize that I AM one of the Kogepan. And I know what it's like to barely be holding on, and how much pain and depression those kind of careless sentiments, even if well-meaning, can cause. Did they never think that the Kogepan might just have tried all of that!

For us Kogepan, we must remember that we can not understand the ways of the Baker, nor do anything about it, even if we could. What is, for us, simply is. But we can know this: the things that burned us have made us much closer to the Baker's heart. This is the essence, difference, and glory of Christianity. The weak and messed up are the most dear and most sought after by God.

And in the worst of times (the deep winter), just as the series concluded: in the cold, everyone's breath is white. And this, at least, is a sign that we exist. It's a small thing, but it's something to be happy about.