I have one wish for Christmas. Stop celebrating it please! Every year the US fires up this billion dollar industry that spans 3 or 4 months. There are tons of traditions and ideas and novelties. There are countless TV specials all talking about wishes and meanings.
But you know what, it's a really simple holiday. It's really of no significance at all to anyone who isn't a Christian. But for Christians, like me, this is one of the two most important memorials of the year. But it isn't about snow, or lights, or gifts, or sharing, or a warm community feeling, or a dog finding his way home or some old man reuniting with his son. And it definitely has nothing to do with stupid cheap cups. It's a memorial of what we believe to be a pivotal moment in history. The event where THE GOD takes on human flesh. But if you don't beleive this, it's just the birth of some ancient guy, so why do you need to make such a fuss over it?
If you want to celebrate a mid-winter holiday, go right ahead! Just stop trying to coopt my Holy Day. What would you think if someone decided to have a barbecued pig for Ramadan? Or a kegger for Passover? Or ate all the food on the butsudan at Obon and covered it with cheap plastic balls? So why is it ok to trash this Christian holiday?
The answer probably has to do with so-called Christians themselves. Many don't understand the day either. Or have grown up in the midst of all the other crap so they actually associate all that with Christmas. Many I know may include some Bible reading or church service as the obligatory tradition, and then go right on with any other cultural event of the season. But they'll be hot to make sure you leave Christ in there!
Once again, I'm not knocking those events in themselves. I'm just saying that isn't Christmas! So just stop calling it that. Keep Santa Claus and snowflakes and trees and presents. Just don't keep Christ with that mess! Better to drop it altogether. If you did, I might actually be able to find some of it fun. But as it is, it's a season of painful disrespect of the single most important part of my life.
Leave Christmas for those of us who hold this to be a serious part of our lives to keep as we should.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Other Side
I'm pretty sure I've never blogged about this. At least not in any discernibly direct way. But I'm going to give it a shot. This blog is primarily a way for me to process thoughts or feelings. As such, it tends toward the confusing and angry, occasionally the mystical. But that of course is not all I experience. It's just that times of clear understanding or emotion don't need processing; they're just experienced. So I don't write about them. This other side makes up a significant portion of the contemplative Christian experience, at least for me and for many I read about and talk to. It's hard to describe, so I'm going to muddle on.
Right now, I'm coming off a brief mild illness. Just a cold. But it follows a stressful period and I have received it gratefully as an excuse to rest. I've been overwhelmed by a sense of peace in it. Just a deep soul-whisper of "thank you" for bringing me into the rest I could not give myself. Throughout it I've felt at ease. I've felt cared for. The back of my mind has been haunted by strains of music of a gentle love toward me and from me toward my God.
Please know that for me, this word 'God' is loaded very differently than most may use it. It's like the deepest self-giving love you may feel for a loved one, combined with an awe or respect given a hero or excellent father, and a sublime (look this word up) reverence as if looking into something huge and vast and powerful, yet gorgeously beautiful. There is nothing of punishment, nothing of justice.
Jody Foster echoes it in Contact when she cries in the fetal position in her journey. CS Lewis describes it in the Pevensie children burying their faces in Aslan's mane. It is a safety and a rightness found because of the power sheathed in gentleness, like a small Tarzan baby sound asleep in a gorilla's arms.
This is not why I became a Christian, but it is why I stay a Christian. This is why I can't accept any form of Christianity that takes away from this. This is irresistible love. This is looking into the dark chasm of the universe and finding everything you've secretly hoped for and never even admitted to yourself looking right back at you and smiling with a face that is more human than your own.
Right now, I'm coming off a brief mild illness. Just a cold. But it follows a stressful period and I have received it gratefully as an excuse to rest. I've been overwhelmed by a sense of peace in it. Just a deep soul-whisper of "thank you" for bringing me into the rest I could not give myself. Throughout it I've felt at ease. I've felt cared for. The back of my mind has been haunted by strains of music of a gentle love toward me and from me toward my God.
Please know that for me, this word 'God' is loaded very differently than most may use it. It's like the deepest self-giving love you may feel for a loved one, combined with an awe or respect given a hero or excellent father, and a sublime (look this word up) reverence as if looking into something huge and vast and powerful, yet gorgeously beautiful. There is nothing of punishment, nothing of justice.
Jody Foster echoes it in Contact when she cries in the fetal position in her journey. CS Lewis describes it in the Pevensie children burying their faces in Aslan's mane. It is a safety and a rightness found because of the power sheathed in gentleness, like a small Tarzan baby sound asleep in a gorilla's arms.
This is not why I became a Christian, but it is why I stay a Christian. This is why I can't accept any form of Christianity that takes away from this. This is irresistible love. This is looking into the dark chasm of the universe and finding everything you've secretly hoped for and never even admitted to yourself looking right back at you and smiling with a face that is more human than your own.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
So Broken
Someone once said to me, "Bro, you are so broken." It was in a slightly intense conversation patching up a small disagreement. So I wasn't sure if this was meant as a positive or negative statement. But the particular circumstances are not important now. What is important is that at the time my internal reaction was, "Yeah! Of course!" But not knowing how it was intended, I didn't respond at all.
Still, I haven't forgotten it because it was so direct and confusing. It's not something you hear often, even in Christian circles. But recently it came back to me due to various circumstances involving something I was reading and something I was feeling, etc.
The thing is, my reaction still hasn't changed. Yeah, of course I'm so broken. That's WHY I'm a Christian! Jesus said he came to seek and save that which was lost. The word, "lost" means literally or figuratively destroyed, dead, lost, marred, perished. He said it isn't the healthy that need a doctor but the sick. He said that all the weary and burdened should come to him. He was called the friend of drunkards and prostitutes.
It should go without saying that I follow him, seek him, hope in him exactly BECAUSE I'm so broken. I have no other hope. No other place to turn. It shouldn't be a surprise, it should be a matter of course. "Oh, there's one of those Christians...you know what they are..."
Ok then, what kind of person is Jesus not for? The only harsh words he ever spoke were to the religious, the pompous, the self-righteous, the hypocritical. Those who are unaware of or who hide their brokenness. He even turned away a man who had too much invested in his money and standing.
But I don't mean broken in some theoretical or rhetorical sense. I mean literally broken. Broken-hearted, broken-minded, emotionally spent, physically unsound. BROKEN! This is me guys. Good God, it's so frustrating to keep saying it and have no one understand. I'm not OK. I'm the depressive cutter with anger and authority issues who can't focus for more than like 10 minutes unless I'm hyper focused in which case I forget everything else. These hollow sunken eyes? They're from an autoimmunue condition which is also why I'm so skinny. What you call comfort food puts me in the hospital. I know what a gun barrel tastes like and I have to stay extra busy because if I get too idle that's when the demons start playing havoc with my senses. Which may or may not be really happening, but feels the same either way and will eventually end in me hurting myself. But I'm also a really good liar because when you try to tell people things like this they freak out in various ways, none of which are helpful. So the me you know is probably only the merest bit really me and you probably think I'm just making this stuff up for dramatic effect. And maybe I am...which would evidence a whole different set of issues, none better!
In short, I know my need for help. I know my struggles. I see my flaws. I am still in this world only because I gave up control over myself in one of the worst moments of my life. And I'm so stuck on the hope I have in him that if it's not real, if it's some delusion produced by a overwrought mental state, then there is truly no hope for me. Because I really and truly deep down believe what I'm saying.
If there is a God, then he has to be the God that Jesus talked about. The pure loving light that is all creative unchanging good. That's the only being worthy of the name God. And if Jesus is right about that, he has to be able to save me like he said he could. I can't prove it. But I'm convinced of it. If I dreamed the strong luminous presence that drives out the dark, and silences the fits and fills me with hope, and whispers good things in the back of my mind that somehow keep me getting up every morning, then I am lost. I hope in him, because I've got nothing else. Like Steve Taylor, I say, "Jesus is for losers...just like me...broken at the foot of the cross."
If you claim to hope in Jesus and aren't that way, who are you hoping in? Because we obviously don't know the same guy.
Still, I haven't forgotten it because it was so direct and confusing. It's not something you hear often, even in Christian circles. But recently it came back to me due to various circumstances involving something I was reading and something I was feeling, etc.
The thing is, my reaction still hasn't changed. Yeah, of course I'm so broken. That's WHY I'm a Christian! Jesus said he came to seek and save that which was lost. The word, "lost" means literally or figuratively destroyed, dead, lost, marred, perished. He said it isn't the healthy that need a doctor but the sick. He said that all the weary and burdened should come to him. He was called the friend of drunkards and prostitutes.
It should go without saying that I follow him, seek him, hope in him exactly BECAUSE I'm so broken. I have no other hope. No other place to turn. It shouldn't be a surprise, it should be a matter of course. "Oh, there's one of those Christians...you know what they are..."
Ok then, what kind of person is Jesus not for? The only harsh words he ever spoke were to the religious, the pompous, the self-righteous, the hypocritical. Those who are unaware of or who hide their brokenness. He even turned away a man who had too much invested in his money and standing.
But I don't mean broken in some theoretical or rhetorical sense. I mean literally broken. Broken-hearted, broken-minded, emotionally spent, physically unsound. BROKEN! This is me guys. Good God, it's so frustrating to keep saying it and have no one understand. I'm not OK. I'm the depressive cutter with anger and authority issues who can't focus for more than like 10 minutes unless I'm hyper focused in which case I forget everything else. These hollow sunken eyes? They're from an autoimmunue condition which is also why I'm so skinny. What you call comfort food puts me in the hospital. I know what a gun barrel tastes like and I have to stay extra busy because if I get too idle that's when the demons start playing havoc with my senses. Which may or may not be really happening, but feels the same either way and will eventually end in me hurting myself. But I'm also a really good liar because when you try to tell people things like this they freak out in various ways, none of which are helpful. So the me you know is probably only the merest bit really me and you probably think I'm just making this stuff up for dramatic effect. And maybe I am...which would evidence a whole different set of issues, none better!
In short, I know my need for help. I know my struggles. I see my flaws. I am still in this world only because I gave up control over myself in one of the worst moments of my life. And I'm so stuck on the hope I have in him that if it's not real, if it's some delusion produced by a overwrought mental state, then there is truly no hope for me. Because I really and truly deep down believe what I'm saying.
If there is a God, then he has to be the God that Jesus talked about. The pure loving light that is all creative unchanging good. That's the only being worthy of the name God. And if Jesus is right about that, he has to be able to save me like he said he could. I can't prove it. But I'm convinced of it. If I dreamed the strong luminous presence that drives out the dark, and silences the fits and fills me with hope, and whispers good things in the back of my mind that somehow keep me getting up every morning, then I am lost. I hope in him, because I've got nothing else. Like Steve Taylor, I say, "Jesus is for losers...just like me...broken at the foot of the cross."
If you claim to hope in Jesus and aren't that way, who are you hoping in? Because we obviously don't know the same guy.
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Good Question...
My son asked a deep question recently. He asked, if God knew everything was going to go wrong with his creation, why did he let it? Some form of this question has been debated for years. The truth is no one but God knows for sure. He hasn't told us.
But when he put out this question, I felt it deserved some response. I first told him I wasn't sure. Then quickly opened my mind to God hoping he would fill it as he's done in the past when the need arises. This is what then came out of my mouth in answer. I'm surprised by it myself, because I truly tell you I have not thought this before.
Before I get to it, I need to establish a little background though or it won't make sense. First of course is that God exists. There are proofs, but I won't belabor that here. Next is that God is almighty. He can do anything and nothing can stop it. And if there's anything he can't do, it is truly impossible in the most literal sense...like cease to exist or something.
Next is that God is good. This has to be the case or he would be no God. A god perhaps, but not God. Because good is clearly better than bad. Every serious religion, minor or major, and even hardcore athiests believe this. So God can't be a lesser thing or he wouldn't be almighty.
So here we are. How could this type of God let things go so badly if he knew it was going to happen? Wouldn't it have been better not to make it all rather than make it so it could destroy itself? So there would be suffering and evil? Doesn't sound very good, does it?
But here's what came out of my mouth:
Maybe he did it to show something that has never been done before. Maybe he did it to demonstrate to the universe that he is almighty. That even a creation which owed its very existence to him, could not live apart from him, but which chose to annihilate itself...even this most evil of evils he could work out to be good in the end. That even the worst thing that could possibly happen could not stop him or thwart his goodness. He WILL save his creation. He WILL NOT allow it to be lost. Even that which is given free will to go its own way even to the point of denaturing and destroying itself...even THAT, he can and will make right. EVERY wrong will be righted.
Wow. That did not come from me, I know that. Thank God for this. Both for it being true, and for how he revealed it.
I believe more than ever that God is not what most of us have been taught. He is closer than our own thoughts, more loving than we can imagine, more powerful than we can fathom. Everything we call good is epitomized in him. If there is anything that can be trusted it is him...or he would be no God at all.
But when he put out this question, I felt it deserved some response. I first told him I wasn't sure. Then quickly opened my mind to God hoping he would fill it as he's done in the past when the need arises. This is what then came out of my mouth in answer. I'm surprised by it myself, because I truly tell you I have not thought this before.
Before I get to it, I need to establish a little background though or it won't make sense. First of course is that God exists. There are proofs, but I won't belabor that here. Next is that God is almighty. He can do anything and nothing can stop it. And if there's anything he can't do, it is truly impossible in the most literal sense...like cease to exist or something.
Next is that God is good. This has to be the case or he would be no God. A god perhaps, but not God. Because good is clearly better than bad. Every serious religion, minor or major, and even hardcore athiests believe this. So God can't be a lesser thing or he wouldn't be almighty.
So here we are. How could this type of God let things go so badly if he knew it was going to happen? Wouldn't it have been better not to make it all rather than make it so it could destroy itself? So there would be suffering and evil? Doesn't sound very good, does it?
But here's what came out of my mouth:
Maybe he did it to show something that has never been done before. Maybe he did it to demonstrate to the universe that he is almighty. That even a creation which owed its very existence to him, could not live apart from him, but which chose to annihilate itself...even this most evil of evils he could work out to be good in the end. That even the worst thing that could possibly happen could not stop him or thwart his goodness. He WILL save his creation. He WILL NOT allow it to be lost. Even that which is given free will to go its own way even to the point of denaturing and destroying itself...even THAT, he can and will make right. EVERY wrong will be righted.
Wow. That did not come from me, I know that. Thank God for this. Both for it being true, and for how he revealed it.
I believe more than ever that God is not what most of us have been taught. He is closer than our own thoughts, more loving than we can imagine, more powerful than we can fathom. Everything we call good is epitomized in him. If there is anything that can be trusted it is him...or he would be no God at all.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Practicum Part 3
I knew it would come. I think I have my resolution. It came today in what I can only describe as a moment of spiritual revelation. As usual, this will not translate into words very well. But I'm documenting it anyway.
A new person started at work this week and guess what? Yep. Not married, but I have it on good authority. It will be a hard road working amongst these rough field guys, and doubly so because he was sort of foisted on to them by a management decision. I'm pretty sure this detail of his personality hasn't, shall we say...come out.
So today as I was leaving I had a desire to reach out and be friendly, even though this person doesn't work for or with me. It was simply an offhand greeting with a little more friendliness than perhaps is typical. Simple, but a reaching out nonetheless. It stems from a desire to be Christ-like to others. Caring for widows, orphans, and foreigners.
So then on the way home it hit me that I had a desire to reach out simply because he was an outsider and I understand how that could be hard. Then from somewhere deep it flooded over me that it is wrong to create difficulty for people. Not just wrong here, but wrong in my conundrum about marriage. How could I imitate Jesus who didn't "break a bruised reed" if I was at all harsh or declarative about things I believe. I would never do anything toward this person but show them respect and kindness, regardless of their situation, so it should be the same for everyone.
It wasn't an intellectual understanding. It was less clear and more full. Full of emotion and rightness, so I knew I had my answer. Even this blog over this topic may be too much for people who don't at all understand where I'm coming from and I debated deleting these posts. But then I thought it may serve more good to leave them as they stand in case someone stuggling with a similar issue may stumble across (or be guided to) them. Perhaps it will be helpful. Or maybe it could help someone who has been mistreated understand those who have been hurtful. Plus, like Paul, if I must boast, let me boast in my failings because in them Jesus is shown to be who he is: the fullest revelation of God and the perfection of humanity.
So if my recent blogs have confused or estranged anyone in my seeming judgementalism, I sincerely apologize. I ask that you come to know me before you judge me, just as you want others to do for you. This was not about hatred or politics. It has been a true chronicle of one person's struggle to deal with a surprising reaction in myself.
While I have not at all changed my beliefs on it all, you can be certain that I will not force them upon anyone or treat anyone wrongly because of my issues, God help me.
I am a complex and growing person, just like everyone else and we all have our issues that God is perfecting in due time. I will aid this in myself and in others if I can. But it is in his hands, not mine. And where I am unsure or where my issues rub up against yours, I will try my best to not make things more difficult.
A new person started at work this week and guess what? Yep. Not married, but I have it on good authority. It will be a hard road working amongst these rough field guys, and doubly so because he was sort of foisted on to them by a management decision. I'm pretty sure this detail of his personality hasn't, shall we say...come out.
So today as I was leaving I had a desire to reach out and be friendly, even though this person doesn't work for or with me. It was simply an offhand greeting with a little more friendliness than perhaps is typical. Simple, but a reaching out nonetheless. It stems from a desire to be Christ-like to others. Caring for widows, orphans, and foreigners.
So then on the way home it hit me that I had a desire to reach out simply because he was an outsider and I understand how that could be hard. Then from somewhere deep it flooded over me that it is wrong to create difficulty for people. Not just wrong here, but wrong in my conundrum about marriage. How could I imitate Jesus who didn't "break a bruised reed" if I was at all harsh or declarative about things I believe. I would never do anything toward this person but show them respect and kindness, regardless of their situation, so it should be the same for everyone.
It wasn't an intellectual understanding. It was less clear and more full. Full of emotion and rightness, so I knew I had my answer. Even this blog over this topic may be too much for people who don't at all understand where I'm coming from and I debated deleting these posts. But then I thought it may serve more good to leave them as they stand in case someone stuggling with a similar issue may stumble across (or be guided to) them. Perhaps it will be helpful. Or maybe it could help someone who has been mistreated understand those who have been hurtful. Plus, like Paul, if I must boast, let me boast in my failings because in them Jesus is shown to be who he is: the fullest revelation of God and the perfection of humanity.
So if my recent blogs have confused or estranged anyone in my seeming judgementalism, I sincerely apologize. I ask that you come to know me before you judge me, just as you want others to do for you. This was not about hatred or politics. It has been a true chronicle of one person's struggle to deal with a surprising reaction in myself.
While I have not at all changed my beliefs on it all, you can be certain that I will not force them upon anyone or treat anyone wrongly because of my issues, God help me.
I am a complex and growing person, just like everyone else and we all have our issues that God is perfecting in due time. I will aid this in myself and in others if I can. But it is in his hands, not mine. And where I am unsure or where my issues rub up against yours, I will try my best to not make things more difficult.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Practicum Part 2
I was going to do this as a comment on the last post to keep them together, but it kept expanding of it's own will, so I decided to make it a new entry. Please read the first before this one so it makes sense.
I reread Daniel's story with Darius. I also looked up some other opinions. I don't have anything clear yet, but it seems less hazy than last night. I noted in Daniel's story that he didn't make a public stance. He simply continued doing what he was doing, regardless of the law. Similarly, in the early Christian statue salute thing, they were being asked to actively go against what they believed. In neither case were they concerned with what other people did. I'm currently not being asked to directly contradict any belief. It could come to that, but I'm not there yet.
Secondly, I don't feel a need to call out other misuse of marriage such as divorce, infidelity, or unmarried partnering. It's just this one that sticks on me for some reason. As I said before, it has nothing to do with politics, fear, or unreasonable condemnation of homosexuality. So if must be rooted in my view of marriage, which I hold in high regard, higher than many others I know.
Marriage for me is a deeply spiritual and personal giving of oneself to a relationship of three complimentary parts. That is the male protective, aggressive, providential. The female nuturing, generative, healing. And God, the spirit, vitality, goodness. It participates in some mystical way with the unity of the Father, Son, and Spirit. It is not something that can be lightly entered into nor something that can be undone. Truly, when I committed to my wife it was a permanent bond for me. I didn't go looking for a wife. It just happened. Honestly, I took this so seriously, that I didn't give myself to anyone before her, and when I did, that was what made us married. No ceremony, no law. It was the giving of my soul and body to be bound to hers.
Because of this, it hurts me when I see people throw that bond away, especially lightly. So I guess the issue is that marriage as I understand it, is not possible in a same-sex couple. It compounds the wrong. Not only is there sexual confusion, now there's relational confusion. But I don't feel a need to call others out about it. So I shouldn't here either.
But I am clear that I cannot accept it as valid in the same way as my marriage. can the two love each other and care for each other for a lifetime? Sure. Is there good in a committed same-sex relationship over a casual one? Yes. Can it be better than many hetero marriages? Yes again! But I firmly believe that the best highest way of things is not possible in this kind of relation and calling it a marriage just makes an inferior form seem equal to the greater. Kind of like when someone can't appreciate the difference in a fine tea and a cheap one. Or tries to replace kids with pets. Or more accurately, can't distinguish a truly saintly attitude from a selfishly motivated philanthropy. Perhaps that is what bothers me most about it. It's an attempt to steal a word from me, but then again, perhaps it is already stolen and I just haven't seen it.
So I have no clear answer on this. And perhaps I won't find one categorical right answer. Much like food sacrificed to idols in the New Testament. James said Christians should stay away from it, but Paul said as Christians, we are free from those constraints of perception to live in reality, and the fact that someone said it was consecrated to a fiction didn't change the reality.
I reread Daniel's story with Darius. I also looked up some other opinions. I don't have anything clear yet, but it seems less hazy than last night. I noted in Daniel's story that he didn't make a public stance. He simply continued doing what he was doing, regardless of the law. Similarly, in the early Christian statue salute thing, they were being asked to actively go against what they believed. In neither case were they concerned with what other people did. I'm currently not being asked to directly contradict any belief. It could come to that, but I'm not there yet.
Secondly, I don't feel a need to call out other misuse of marriage such as divorce, infidelity, or unmarried partnering. It's just this one that sticks on me for some reason. As I said before, it has nothing to do with politics, fear, or unreasonable condemnation of homosexuality. So if must be rooted in my view of marriage, which I hold in high regard, higher than many others I know.
Marriage for me is a deeply spiritual and personal giving of oneself to a relationship of three complimentary parts. That is the male protective, aggressive, providential. The female nuturing, generative, healing. And God, the spirit, vitality, goodness. It participates in some mystical way with the unity of the Father, Son, and Spirit. It is not something that can be lightly entered into nor something that can be undone. Truly, when I committed to my wife it was a permanent bond for me. I didn't go looking for a wife. It just happened. Honestly, I took this so seriously, that I didn't give myself to anyone before her, and when I did, that was what made us married. No ceremony, no law. It was the giving of my soul and body to be bound to hers.
Because of this, it hurts me when I see people throw that bond away, especially lightly. So I guess the issue is that marriage as I understand it, is not possible in a same-sex couple. It compounds the wrong. Not only is there sexual confusion, now there's relational confusion. But I don't feel a need to call others out about it. So I shouldn't here either.
But I am clear that I cannot accept it as valid in the same way as my marriage. can the two love each other and care for each other for a lifetime? Sure. Is there good in a committed same-sex relationship over a casual one? Yes. Can it be better than many hetero marriages? Yes again! But I firmly believe that the best highest way of things is not possible in this kind of relation and calling it a marriage just makes an inferior form seem equal to the greater. Kind of like when someone can't appreciate the difference in a fine tea and a cheap one. Or tries to replace kids with pets. Or more accurately, can't distinguish a truly saintly attitude from a selfishly motivated philanthropy. Perhaps that is what bothers me most about it. It's an attempt to steal a word from me, but then again, perhaps it is already stolen and I just haven't seen it.
So I have no clear answer on this. And perhaps I won't find one categorical right answer. Much like food sacrificed to idols in the New Testament. James said Christians should stay away from it, but Paul said as Christians, we are free from those constraints of perception to live in reality, and the fact that someone said it was consecrated to a fiction didn't change the reality.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
Practicum
It was going to happen sooner or later. I had no idea how I was going to respond to it and I'm finding it harder than I thought. I'm talking about same-sex marriage. So this is an attempt to sort my own thoughts. As always, it's raw, so tune out now if you're going to be offended.
By way of background, I do not ascribe to any ideas that confuse politics with sexuality or faith. I believe that people are free to make choices. Some choices are good for us, others aren't. Some are right, others aren't. Regarding homosexuality, I frankly don't want to hear about your orientation any more than I want to hear about your latest sexual exploits. I don't define people by what they do with their *&@$#. That extends to any acts.
But I am not blind. It is obviously a mark of identity for some people. I have personal friends on both sides of this line (out and proud, and discreet). But it is only one aspect of their personality. I don't define my friendships based on who is honest at work, who has been divorced, who has had sex outside of marriage, who is habitually confrontational, or who does *&^@ with %$^&. Get my point here?
But as a Christian, I do not believe it is a good choice or a healthy choice. Though, it's no different to me than cheating on a test or eating junk food. So I'm not in your face about it, ask me and I'll tell you. Otherwise, it's not an issue. (aside: some will say it is not a choice. I know the argument and don't agree for many well-thought out reasons that I don't want to go into for sake of space. I've blogged about them before, so look them up if that's your beef.)
So that said, now I am being forced to recognize it in a way I am not comfortable with. Where you were previously just Joe and Tom. Now you're Tom's husband Joe. Somehow to me, this terminology seems I am being forced to be complicit with a wrong, like Daniel being forbidden to pray to anyone but Darius. I wouldn't introduce you to my drug-addict friend Eddy or my stripper friend Pixie. That may be who they are, but I'm not defining them by it. Do you see what I mean here?
I don't even truly have a problem with same-sex people cohabitating and receiving benefits given to married couples. But to call it marriage is the problem. I'd have rather seen them take the civil part out of marriage. Abolish it before the law in favor of civil unions for all. Then marriage remains a religious or social institution that I can recognize or not as my faith and liking allow. But now the law of the land says I have to call it marriage. I can refuse and could lose a job, friendships, or worse in the future. But is this worth it? Is this the line in the sand that I go to the lions for?
Many Christians may avoid this problem by simply avoiding and cutting off any such ties. This seems the monastery approach. Just pull away from society. The other option is to go with the culture and moralize around it. But if this is something I have no Godly wiggle room on, then by doing so I am one of the lukewarm, the goats amongst the sheep, the Israelites who continually turned to foreign gods. I'd love to do one or the other, since it would save a lot of headache for me, but that's just not how I work.
So now the choice is immanent before me. For the first time, two people walked into a group that I operate and introduced themselves as wives. Ok, so what? Just ignore it and treat them like anyone else. I did, and will. I will always be respectful. But this creates a potential problem for me since I have people in that group who sit on both sides of the issue. I lead it, so I set the tone for how it works. I plan to simply not make it a thing, remain officially silent on it. But what do I do if I set up an event at one party's premises and the other party shows up? Recipe for disaster with me as the main blamed ingredient.
So I can grow a set and take the heat from whichever side or both. But I have to know where I stand to do that, even if my stance is a third one from the perceived dichotomy. I just don't know what it IS yet. And that's the problem.
All in all, I trust it will work out. I just need to walk in faith that the resolution is already planned, I just haven't gotten there yet. Thankfully, this is a relatively easy test case, since it will be far harder when, say, an employee has a same-sex spouse. Then it really hits the fan. Since I work in government, I don't have the same choices private businesses do. Do I stand my ground at that point and trust I'm acting rightly? Or do I not have to do that? What is acting rightly, even? I simply don't want to call a man the husband of another man or a woman the wife of another woman. That's all it is really. But this is no different than Daniel. Couldn't he have just prayed silently with no outward signs for a month? It's a shading of the line in both directions. Many early Christians were said to have lost their faith when they made the customary respectful gestures to the Roman god statues in a store. This seems the same thing.
I really don't know what to do yet. In my heart, I don't want to hurt anyone or drive them away from God. My life has been built on helping the unhelped. Living what I believe. Seeking the one lost sheep. Is the controversy I perceive a function of my legalistic upbringing or is there more to it? Is this issue going to be something that forces me into a much larger boldness in that it will force me to label myself far sooner? I've favored erring toward grace and letting my actions define me. How do I do that here? How do I teach my kid to do?
I respectfully refused to pray at Japanese temples, and I wouldn't build a mikoshi (portable shrine) as asked to do because it is believed to house a god. If it was simply a parade float with religious origins, that would be different. But when I asked, the first thing anyone mentioned was about the god. So I'm out. How do I bow out this time? Do I even need to? It's got me twisted up. It really has.
By way of background, I do not ascribe to any ideas that confuse politics with sexuality or faith. I believe that people are free to make choices. Some choices are good for us, others aren't. Some are right, others aren't. Regarding homosexuality, I frankly don't want to hear about your orientation any more than I want to hear about your latest sexual exploits. I don't define people by what they do with their *&@$#. That extends to any acts.
But I am not blind. It is obviously a mark of identity for some people. I have personal friends on both sides of this line (out and proud, and discreet). But it is only one aspect of their personality. I don't define my friendships based on who is honest at work, who has been divorced, who has had sex outside of marriage, who is habitually confrontational, or who does *&^@ with %$^&. Get my point here?
But as a Christian, I do not believe it is a good choice or a healthy choice. Though, it's no different to me than cheating on a test or eating junk food. So I'm not in your face about it, ask me and I'll tell you. Otherwise, it's not an issue. (aside: some will say it is not a choice. I know the argument and don't agree for many well-thought out reasons that I don't want to go into for sake of space. I've blogged about them before, so look them up if that's your beef.)
So that said, now I am being forced to recognize it in a way I am not comfortable with. Where you were previously just Joe and Tom. Now you're Tom's husband Joe. Somehow to me, this terminology seems I am being forced to be complicit with a wrong, like Daniel being forbidden to pray to anyone but Darius. I wouldn't introduce you to my drug-addict friend Eddy or my stripper friend Pixie. That may be who they are, but I'm not defining them by it. Do you see what I mean here?
I don't even truly have a problem with same-sex people cohabitating and receiving benefits given to married couples. But to call it marriage is the problem. I'd have rather seen them take the civil part out of marriage. Abolish it before the law in favor of civil unions for all. Then marriage remains a religious or social institution that I can recognize or not as my faith and liking allow. But now the law of the land says I have to call it marriage. I can refuse and could lose a job, friendships, or worse in the future. But is this worth it? Is this the line in the sand that I go to the lions for?
Many Christians may avoid this problem by simply avoiding and cutting off any such ties. This seems the monastery approach. Just pull away from society. The other option is to go with the culture and moralize around it. But if this is something I have no Godly wiggle room on, then by doing so I am one of the lukewarm, the goats amongst the sheep, the Israelites who continually turned to foreign gods. I'd love to do one or the other, since it would save a lot of headache for me, but that's just not how I work.
So now the choice is immanent before me. For the first time, two people walked into a group that I operate and introduced themselves as wives. Ok, so what? Just ignore it and treat them like anyone else. I did, and will. I will always be respectful. But this creates a potential problem for me since I have people in that group who sit on both sides of the issue. I lead it, so I set the tone for how it works. I plan to simply not make it a thing, remain officially silent on it. But what do I do if I set up an event at one party's premises and the other party shows up? Recipe for disaster with me as the main blamed ingredient.
So I can grow a set and take the heat from whichever side or both. But I have to know where I stand to do that, even if my stance is a third one from the perceived dichotomy. I just don't know what it IS yet. And that's the problem.
All in all, I trust it will work out. I just need to walk in faith that the resolution is already planned, I just haven't gotten there yet. Thankfully, this is a relatively easy test case, since it will be far harder when, say, an employee has a same-sex spouse. Then it really hits the fan. Since I work in government, I don't have the same choices private businesses do. Do I stand my ground at that point and trust I'm acting rightly? Or do I not have to do that? What is acting rightly, even? I simply don't want to call a man the husband of another man or a woman the wife of another woman. That's all it is really. But this is no different than Daniel. Couldn't he have just prayed silently with no outward signs for a month? It's a shading of the line in both directions. Many early Christians were said to have lost their faith when they made the customary respectful gestures to the Roman god statues in a store. This seems the same thing.
I really don't know what to do yet. In my heart, I don't want to hurt anyone or drive them away from God. My life has been built on helping the unhelped. Living what I believe. Seeking the one lost sheep. Is the controversy I perceive a function of my legalistic upbringing or is there more to it? Is this issue going to be something that forces me into a much larger boldness in that it will force me to label myself far sooner? I've favored erring toward grace and letting my actions define me. How do I do that here? How do I teach my kid to do?
I respectfully refused to pray at Japanese temples, and I wouldn't build a mikoshi (portable shrine) as asked to do because it is believed to house a god. If it was simply a parade float with religious origins, that would be different. But when I asked, the first thing anyone mentioned was about the god. So I'm out. How do I bow out this time? Do I even need to? It's got me twisted up. It really has.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Rephrased
So the Fanbase asked me a question about my last post. Seems it caused some confusion. This blog is usually a very raw vomiting of my thoughts such that I rarely remember what I've written once it's posted. But she is a dear friend and actually engages this rambling enough to think about it (which is saying something) so I went back over my post and am now trying to offer a fuller explanation, which will delve into the theological.
First, let me say that I wasn't making up the ideas I talked about in the last post. I was merely rumbling them around in my own mind, much like a rat thoroughly inspects its treats before eating them. The ideas themselves are all well established, centuries-old ideas that have been well treated in Christian record. They are, in fact, some of the sharper dividing lines between certain large chunks of denominations. All this to say, I'm not in any danger of moving beyond the lighted sphere of orthodoxy, in the sense that each side of the debate is considered orthodox to some major denominations. Though if you've only been steeped in one side, the other will no doubt seem nearly heretical.
The funny thing is if you are a Christian, you probably know people whose denomination is on the other side of the fence and never knew there was a fence. I know for a fact the Fanbase has regularly attended churches on both sides, and judging by her questions, didn't notice. This is not a slight to the Fanbase. I mean it only to say, I am struggling with some obscure points of doctrine that mean a lot to me, but won't really impact most people...which is why I hate theology as a discipline in the first place. End of preface, now the meat.
The struggle for me is over the doctrines of penal substitutionary atonement and imputed righteousness. These things are endlessly discussed in theological texts, blogs, websites, etc. So feel free to delve as deep down that rabbit hole as you want. Here's a good place to start: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/inebriateme/2014/11/thoughts-against-penal-substitutionary-atonement/. In very brief, the first is a teaching of what Jesus' dying and rising again accomplished and how. The second is about how salvation works.
Penal substitution says that Jesus had to die to pay for our sins. The theory, and I stress these are all theories since God didn't see fit to lay it out in long-winded grammar (though I will argue by the end that it is laid out in other ways). Anyway, the theory says that God is both just and loving. So he can't abide sin, but he has to forgive it. To be just, he has to punish the guilty. But that means killing all his children that he loves. So God himself decides to take his own punishment for us. So he sends the aspect of himself known as the Logos or Son to be a human so that he can be fully divine and fully human. In this way he can 1. support the weight of all humanity's guilt for all sins for all time. 2. take the annihilating punishment of God the Father for us. and 3. Survive it (the resurrection). Therefore we as humans can now claim Christ's atonement as ours and are no longer guilty of our own sins, even the ones we haven't committed yet. God's wrath is satisfied.
This is the doctrine I was steeped in as a kid. I was trained in theology from a young age and taught to apologize (argue) the faith, since in that particular bent of the faith, it is the duty of every good Christian to be an educated debator for the faith who wins souls by the power of our divinely inspired compelling logic (groan). But if I'm honest with myself, this doctrine raises so many questions and bad understandings of God. Of course, I can give you all the answers to dodge the problems, but they are just that: dodges, not resolutions. Which is probably why that group hasn't won the world in 2000 years time.
For one, how is it just to punish an innocent person? For that matter, how is it just to let the guilty off because someone else stepped in? How does that help the guilty get better? How does that right the wrong they committed? But worse than that, what does it teach about God? He seems a twisted father that beats his children black and blue while thinking it's to make them improve. Or worse yet, the father who beats another kid because his kid did something wrong. He seems the very opposite of love, or at least schizophrenic about it. It doesn't at all mesh with the countless verses about love, protection, forgiveness. In fact, there are far more verses in both the old and new testament that are clearly about God's love and forgiveness and fatherhood than there are verses to support the penal sub model, and those that do could easily be interpreted in other ways.
Moving on. The second doctrine of imputed righteousness says that Christ's substitutionary work is imputed, put on, the believer so that they are now viewed as righteous in God's sight, even though they are still going to commit sins. It says that when God looks at a human, he sees the bad we've done, unless we have accepted Christ (done in different ways in various denominations) in which case God sees Christ...in other words, we have a big "PAID" stamp across us, so we're good. Forgetting the mechanics of this, which are all purely speculation, it still raises many questions, such as why we would be left to continue committing sins? Why wouldn't it stop? Why wouldn't it be imputed in a way that it did stop? It requires some sci-fi time-space disconnect to understand why "new creations" aren't really any newer than the old ones in any humanly discernible way. I remember the huge let-down when I was baptized and didn't feel any different. I know some people that kept getting baptized again and again because they felt so much the same they thought it just wasn't sticking, like they were dud dunks. I felt the same about saying "the salvation prayer".
Not only these questions, but then come the aftermath questions. Let's say we accept it for a second. Now what? Can I just go sin and know it's not going on the record anyway? Already paid, like a cosmic gift card? Or do I need to be careful to stay in the salvation? Perhaps I could get uncovered as easily as I got covered and I'd never know it. To deal with this, my particular group has ample proof-texts about assurance of salvation to convince us we can't lose it, even if we continue to be terribly bad people. While others do stress a continuation in faith to keep the record clear. And still others require a continual re-covering for the new sins.
At this point I should note that the two doctrines are not tied together. There are denominations who accept one and not the other.
So this brings me to the point of my last post. I have slowly grown to the point that I can't accept either of the two doctrines. But what then? When I try to read the Bible with fresh eyes, I can't hear anything but the old interpretations because I was SOOO steeped in what they mean to the group I was raised in. So my heart says, "No, it can't be!" and my head says, "But it must!" And that was what came out in my last post.
Fortunately, I am beginning to see what else is there. It has taken years of information filtering into my brain, but now it is coming together so that it makes sense. The trail was blazed by many things that Steve Miegs taught, though I don't know if he remembers them because he was so caught up in the moment when he spoke, I have no doubt he spoke from the Spirit. C.S Lewis, then laid the real groundwork (I often refer to him as my teacher Jack in this blog) with his talk of halls and rooms and hell being locked from the inside. The push down the road came from Wayne Jacobsen, who showed me I was not alone in modern times and that if my heart was sick at the system, it was not a flaw in me, but God's truest voice. Also that what we call churches need not be the Church. And the fog is clearing at the hands of George MacDonald (Uncle George), who wrote so so many things about this a full two centuries before I would read them. It is Uncle George who is primarily showing me how to understand the world in this new view.
Of course there have been many others along the way, helping hands and points in the direction. One of the dearest to me is Dan Dunn, who has never had a shadow of doubt that I was heading right, and never placed an ounce of pressure to do otherwise, even when it forces us to part ways for a time. He is truly a Christ-like example for me in what it means to love people where they're at.
Which brings me to the summary of this long post. So what now? For me, I think we can leave the theology (study about God) and just get to know the real God. There is only one way to do this. That is to do what he says. As Uncle George says, if anyone truly wants to see what Truth might reside in Jesus, he just has to try it out. There's a reason Jesus didn't leave a theological treatise. He didn't even write a single word of his own. He simply DID his work. So forget the teachings, the processes, the doctrines. I don't care if you never understand the history or processes, or even call him Lord. If you want to find out if he was who he said, simply open one of the Gospels and go do what you read him doing. Simply start with whatever next comes your way. In whatever way you can act like Jesus, do it and see what happens. Then do it again and again until you understand. If there's no value, you'll soon see. Doing good can't hurt in any case. But if there is value in it beyond the ordinary good deed, you might just have found the door to the universe. Work it out and see for yourself. If you get stuck, let's talk. No guarantees I'll have an answer, but if God is there, shouldn't he help us find one?
I am convinced, this is the only true means of salvation and I'll go no further for now accept to say that it was proven for me in one simple sentence when a dear friend was downing Christians and then said to me, "but you and your wife are the most Christ-like people I've ever met. You actually live it." I almost cried right there on the street. There could be no better compliment for me and no better proof amidst all my doubts.
First, let me say that I wasn't making up the ideas I talked about in the last post. I was merely rumbling them around in my own mind, much like a rat thoroughly inspects its treats before eating them. The ideas themselves are all well established, centuries-old ideas that have been well treated in Christian record. They are, in fact, some of the sharper dividing lines between certain large chunks of denominations. All this to say, I'm not in any danger of moving beyond the lighted sphere of orthodoxy, in the sense that each side of the debate is considered orthodox to some major denominations. Though if you've only been steeped in one side, the other will no doubt seem nearly heretical.
The funny thing is if you are a Christian, you probably know people whose denomination is on the other side of the fence and never knew there was a fence. I know for a fact the Fanbase has regularly attended churches on both sides, and judging by her questions, didn't notice. This is not a slight to the Fanbase. I mean it only to say, I am struggling with some obscure points of doctrine that mean a lot to me, but won't really impact most people...which is why I hate theology as a discipline in the first place. End of preface, now the meat.
The struggle for me is over the doctrines of penal substitutionary atonement and imputed righteousness. These things are endlessly discussed in theological texts, blogs, websites, etc. So feel free to delve as deep down that rabbit hole as you want. Here's a good place to start: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/inebriateme/2014/11/thoughts-against-penal-substitutionary-atonement/. In very brief, the first is a teaching of what Jesus' dying and rising again accomplished and how. The second is about how salvation works.
Penal substitution says that Jesus had to die to pay for our sins. The theory, and I stress these are all theories since God didn't see fit to lay it out in long-winded grammar (though I will argue by the end that it is laid out in other ways). Anyway, the theory says that God is both just and loving. So he can't abide sin, but he has to forgive it. To be just, he has to punish the guilty. But that means killing all his children that he loves. So God himself decides to take his own punishment for us. So he sends the aspect of himself known as the Logos or Son to be a human so that he can be fully divine and fully human. In this way he can 1. support the weight of all humanity's guilt for all sins for all time. 2. take the annihilating punishment of God the Father for us. and 3. Survive it (the resurrection). Therefore we as humans can now claim Christ's atonement as ours and are no longer guilty of our own sins, even the ones we haven't committed yet. God's wrath is satisfied.
This is the doctrine I was steeped in as a kid. I was trained in theology from a young age and taught to apologize (argue) the faith, since in that particular bent of the faith, it is the duty of every good Christian to be an educated debator for the faith who wins souls by the power of our divinely inspired compelling logic (groan). But if I'm honest with myself, this doctrine raises so many questions and bad understandings of God. Of course, I can give you all the answers to dodge the problems, but they are just that: dodges, not resolutions. Which is probably why that group hasn't won the world in 2000 years time.
For one, how is it just to punish an innocent person? For that matter, how is it just to let the guilty off because someone else stepped in? How does that help the guilty get better? How does that right the wrong they committed? But worse than that, what does it teach about God? He seems a twisted father that beats his children black and blue while thinking it's to make them improve. Or worse yet, the father who beats another kid because his kid did something wrong. He seems the very opposite of love, or at least schizophrenic about it. It doesn't at all mesh with the countless verses about love, protection, forgiveness. In fact, there are far more verses in both the old and new testament that are clearly about God's love and forgiveness and fatherhood than there are verses to support the penal sub model, and those that do could easily be interpreted in other ways.
Moving on. The second doctrine of imputed righteousness says that Christ's substitutionary work is imputed, put on, the believer so that they are now viewed as righteous in God's sight, even though they are still going to commit sins. It says that when God looks at a human, he sees the bad we've done, unless we have accepted Christ (done in different ways in various denominations) in which case God sees Christ...in other words, we have a big "PAID" stamp across us, so we're good. Forgetting the mechanics of this, which are all purely speculation, it still raises many questions, such as why we would be left to continue committing sins? Why wouldn't it stop? Why wouldn't it be imputed in a way that it did stop? It requires some sci-fi time-space disconnect to understand why "new creations" aren't really any newer than the old ones in any humanly discernible way. I remember the huge let-down when I was baptized and didn't feel any different. I know some people that kept getting baptized again and again because they felt so much the same they thought it just wasn't sticking, like they were dud dunks. I felt the same about saying "the salvation prayer".
Not only these questions, but then come the aftermath questions. Let's say we accept it for a second. Now what? Can I just go sin and know it's not going on the record anyway? Already paid, like a cosmic gift card? Or do I need to be careful to stay in the salvation? Perhaps I could get uncovered as easily as I got covered and I'd never know it. To deal with this, my particular group has ample proof-texts about assurance of salvation to convince us we can't lose it, even if we continue to be terribly bad people. While others do stress a continuation in faith to keep the record clear. And still others require a continual re-covering for the new sins.
At this point I should note that the two doctrines are not tied together. There are denominations who accept one and not the other.
So this brings me to the point of my last post. I have slowly grown to the point that I can't accept either of the two doctrines. But what then? When I try to read the Bible with fresh eyes, I can't hear anything but the old interpretations because I was SOOO steeped in what they mean to the group I was raised in. So my heart says, "No, it can't be!" and my head says, "But it must!" And that was what came out in my last post.
Fortunately, I am beginning to see what else is there. It has taken years of information filtering into my brain, but now it is coming together so that it makes sense. The trail was blazed by many things that Steve Miegs taught, though I don't know if he remembers them because he was so caught up in the moment when he spoke, I have no doubt he spoke from the Spirit. C.S Lewis, then laid the real groundwork (I often refer to him as my teacher Jack in this blog) with his talk of halls and rooms and hell being locked from the inside. The push down the road came from Wayne Jacobsen, who showed me I was not alone in modern times and that if my heart was sick at the system, it was not a flaw in me, but God's truest voice. Also that what we call churches need not be the Church. And the fog is clearing at the hands of George MacDonald (Uncle George), who wrote so so many things about this a full two centuries before I would read them. It is Uncle George who is primarily showing me how to understand the world in this new view.
Of course there have been many others along the way, helping hands and points in the direction. One of the dearest to me is Dan Dunn, who has never had a shadow of doubt that I was heading right, and never placed an ounce of pressure to do otherwise, even when it forces us to part ways for a time. He is truly a Christ-like example for me in what it means to love people where they're at.
Which brings me to the summary of this long post. So what now? For me, I think we can leave the theology (study about God) and just get to know the real God. There is only one way to do this. That is to do what he says. As Uncle George says, if anyone truly wants to see what Truth might reside in Jesus, he just has to try it out. There's a reason Jesus didn't leave a theological treatise. He didn't even write a single word of his own. He simply DID his work. So forget the teachings, the processes, the doctrines. I don't care if you never understand the history or processes, or even call him Lord. If you want to find out if he was who he said, simply open one of the Gospels and go do what you read him doing. Simply start with whatever next comes your way. In whatever way you can act like Jesus, do it and see what happens. Then do it again and again until you understand. If there's no value, you'll soon see. Doing good can't hurt in any case. But if there is value in it beyond the ordinary good deed, you might just have found the door to the universe. Work it out and see for yourself. If you get stuck, let's talk. No guarantees I'll have an answer, but if God is there, shouldn't he help us find one?
I am convinced, this is the only true means of salvation and I'll go no further for now accept to say that it was proven for me in one simple sentence when a dear friend was downing Christians and then said to me, "but you and your wife are the most Christ-like people I've ever met. You actually live it." I almost cried right there on the street. There could be no better compliment for me and no better proof amidst all my doubts.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
The Way
Imputed Righteousness. This seems hokey to me. It's never been well explained. Just the kind of theological leap they put together to fill in a gap in a system.
I feel that I understand the reality of things in an inexplicable way, but what salvation and faith are, then needs expressing and I can't get away from the training I was steeped in...which is the imputed stuff.
But now, I am having a glimmer of something new. I believe it deep down, like I said, but am not sure I can express it fully yet.
Uncle George has been helping me. He said through Robert Falconer that imputed righteousness is a lying doctrine. That we must all be clothed with the righteousness of saints, our own righteousness, not someone else's. This seems to make so many things fit together better. I am not magically made clean, but strangely left the same through some wonky time-space split. That's sci-fi! But if Galatians 2:16 says (and indeed the Greek does bear it out) that we are saved through the faith OF Christ, not IN Christ as the modern translations put it, then salvation and the work of Christ were truly to be the first fruits. Not to substitute innocent for guilty in some blood-lust psycho fantasy, but to pave the way. His perfect faith in his father to save him shows me how to have faith in him and his father. He makes the unknowable knowable and I am being made righteous. Not instantly, but throughout my life. I am being finished, perfected. We all are. Christ shows how that works, what that means, and makes it possible. But my sins are my sins. I must reap what I've sown; only through that, I can rise as Christ has.
So is my salvation through faith? Absolutely. Christ's faith, and in kind, my faith. This perfect faith tells me I am in good hands and that frees me to act in ways that repair and grow me. My work in it is not to say some stupid prayer like a magic incantation. It is not even to believe without doubt, like wishing on a star. But neither is it to earn my place. It is simply to do as my big brother has done. To learn to submit myself fully to what God has made me to be.
And this is done, as James says, by working out my faith in actions. The actions God places before me to do, small or big, in every moment. Without schemes and angles. Helping when help is needed. Patient when sick. Compassionate with those who need it. Ethical at work. Gracious when driving. Quiet when rest is required. In doing the will of his father, Jesus demonstrated his faith. I must do the same. In this I find the only proof available that my faith is not in vain, but it is the surest proof.
So this understanding unties faith and works, explains the cross and faith, clearly shows what is good about the "good news" in a way that any person can see (not just those who contort in theological ways like Candide's teacher.) And gives clear direction for my life. And does so in a way that doesn't require any unnatural explanation. Even the simplest person could grasp it. How is this wrong again?
God take me ever further up and further in. Help my reply to the rhetoric to be my actions for you. I am your sheepdog.
I feel that I understand the reality of things in an inexplicable way, but what salvation and faith are, then needs expressing and I can't get away from the training I was steeped in...which is the imputed stuff.
But now, I am having a glimmer of something new. I believe it deep down, like I said, but am not sure I can express it fully yet.
Uncle George has been helping me. He said through Robert Falconer that imputed righteousness is a lying doctrine. That we must all be clothed with the righteousness of saints, our own righteousness, not someone else's. This seems to make so many things fit together better. I am not magically made clean, but strangely left the same through some wonky time-space split. That's sci-fi! But if Galatians 2:16 says (and indeed the Greek does bear it out) that we are saved through the faith OF Christ, not IN Christ as the modern translations put it, then salvation and the work of Christ were truly to be the first fruits. Not to substitute innocent for guilty in some blood-lust psycho fantasy, but to pave the way. His perfect faith in his father to save him shows me how to have faith in him and his father. He makes the unknowable knowable and I am being made righteous. Not instantly, but throughout my life. I am being finished, perfected. We all are. Christ shows how that works, what that means, and makes it possible. But my sins are my sins. I must reap what I've sown; only through that, I can rise as Christ has.
So is my salvation through faith? Absolutely. Christ's faith, and in kind, my faith. This perfect faith tells me I am in good hands and that frees me to act in ways that repair and grow me. My work in it is not to say some stupid prayer like a magic incantation. It is not even to believe without doubt, like wishing on a star. But neither is it to earn my place. It is simply to do as my big brother has done. To learn to submit myself fully to what God has made me to be.
And this is done, as James says, by working out my faith in actions. The actions God places before me to do, small or big, in every moment. Without schemes and angles. Helping when help is needed. Patient when sick. Compassionate with those who need it. Ethical at work. Gracious when driving. Quiet when rest is required. In doing the will of his father, Jesus demonstrated his faith. I must do the same. In this I find the only proof available that my faith is not in vain, but it is the surest proof.
So this understanding unties faith and works, explains the cross and faith, clearly shows what is good about the "good news" in a way that any person can see (not just those who contort in theological ways like Candide's teacher.) And gives clear direction for my life. And does so in a way that doesn't require any unnatural explanation. Even the simplest person could grasp it. How is this wrong again?
God take me ever further up and further in. Help my reply to the rhetoric to be my actions for you. I am your sheepdog.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Whisper
I look up from my place and see the Shepherd coming in. He sits down. He seems tired. My belly hurts. I crawl over and place my head against his thigh. He rubs my head behind my ear and under my chin. It feels good, reassuring.
Then he kneels in front of me and takes my head in both his hands. He gently lifts my eyes to his. Then he lays his forehead against mine. His eyes match mine, his nose on top of my nose. He whispers some words. I can't understand them; I am just a dog. But they sound wonderful, mysterious, full of meaning. I wish I could understand them.
Then I feel the words pass into me; from my ears and face they go all the way down through me and into my belly. And the pain there stops.
Then he kneels in front of me and takes my head in both his hands. He gently lifts my eyes to his. Then he lays his forehead against mine. His eyes match mine, his nose on top of my nose. He whispers some words. I can't understand them; I am just a dog. But they sound wonderful, mysterious, full of meaning. I wish I could understand them.
Then I feel the words pass into me; from my ears and face they go all the way down through me and into my belly. And the pain there stops.
Friday, June 5, 2015
Time warp
Have you noticed that time passes differently based on your particular perception of it? If we are busy it tends to pass quickly. If we're bored, it drags. But what time is cannot really be defined. We can tell that a duration has passed, but we can't measure it except by tracking some cycle within space. This is still a function of our perception. So if the rotation of that atom or star were to change speed, we would only be able to know it by the relation of it to another object also bound in space and time.
Think of it like an airplane. If there were no windows to see things moving past you, you'd have no idea whether you were actually moving or not because everything in the plane would be moving at the same rate, whether that rate was faster or slower, everything would continue to move in unison and you'd never know how fast it was going. Same goes for time. For all we know, time may actually not be static and might actually pass at different rates which we can't perceive because we can't step outside of it to find a fixed point of reference.
One thing that certainly seems to slow time is expectation. I've been looking forward to many things lately. Not in the sense of enjoyment, but simply, a lot of things to keep track of in the near future. This made the previous month drag like none other. I'm glad it's over so some of those things can actually occur and time can go back to the pace I usually perceive.
But this led me to remember something Augustine, the philosopher and theologian said. He talked a lot about time and said that what we call future is really just expectation of something coming into being. The past is the memory of that moment which no longer exists. So that makes the present the point between expecting something and remembering it...which really has no space at all. If you squeeze your conscious perception of time passing down to the smallest moment you can grasp, you'll experience an infinitesimally small point at which the future is sliding into the past, the expectation becoming memory. It seems to rocket by and can actually be quite dizzying. Try it right now and see. Faster than sand through a funnel, moments of potential are becoming memories and we can't hold on to any one of those points.
This tiny point that occupies no area, no space, no time, is the present. The eternal now. And that is all that really exists. If I focus on it too much, I seem to see everything around me like Neo seeing the matrix code; in constant flux through an infinitely minute Now.
At this point I also usually experience a sublimity. Something enormous and palpably greater than myself. It's there. And if I chase it, try to focus on it, I find that it's focusing right back at me. And that's where I usually lose it. My mind starts to unravel and the window closes, thankfully, so I can exist without being dissolved into that present.
I believe that this is a glimpse of the nature and reality of God. Not some man in the sky. If that's what you think then your conception of God is far too small. I'm talking about the Source of all sources. The prime. The thing from which all that is derives its being. And by many other philosophical proofs, I could demonstrate why it must be personal. In short, it can't be a nameless force or a reflection of my own infinity because it must needs be something higher than my faculty to perceive it or contemplate it. So if I can regard it, how much more would the source have to be capable of regarding? If I can think of it, how much more must it, first and to a greater degree, think of me. But there are treatises (literally) on this, and I invite you to do your own homework on it.
My point is that where else could such a being (even "being" is too small a word) exist but in the only spaceless, timeless space that does exist? That ever-present, unchanging Now. In that point, I can access the big bang. I can understand the origin of the universe. I can know the meaning of knowing. I can experience what IS on a deeper level than can be cognitively processed. It's right there all the time. Seriously try it, see what you experience.
Think of it like an airplane. If there were no windows to see things moving past you, you'd have no idea whether you were actually moving or not because everything in the plane would be moving at the same rate, whether that rate was faster or slower, everything would continue to move in unison and you'd never know how fast it was going. Same goes for time. For all we know, time may actually not be static and might actually pass at different rates which we can't perceive because we can't step outside of it to find a fixed point of reference.
One thing that certainly seems to slow time is expectation. I've been looking forward to many things lately. Not in the sense of enjoyment, but simply, a lot of things to keep track of in the near future. This made the previous month drag like none other. I'm glad it's over so some of those things can actually occur and time can go back to the pace I usually perceive.
But this led me to remember something Augustine, the philosopher and theologian said. He talked a lot about time and said that what we call future is really just expectation of something coming into being. The past is the memory of that moment which no longer exists. So that makes the present the point between expecting something and remembering it...which really has no space at all. If you squeeze your conscious perception of time passing down to the smallest moment you can grasp, you'll experience an infinitesimally small point at which the future is sliding into the past, the expectation becoming memory. It seems to rocket by and can actually be quite dizzying. Try it right now and see. Faster than sand through a funnel, moments of potential are becoming memories and we can't hold on to any one of those points.
This tiny point that occupies no area, no space, no time, is the present. The eternal now. And that is all that really exists. If I focus on it too much, I seem to see everything around me like Neo seeing the matrix code; in constant flux through an infinitely minute Now.
At this point I also usually experience a sublimity. Something enormous and palpably greater than myself. It's there. And if I chase it, try to focus on it, I find that it's focusing right back at me. And that's where I usually lose it. My mind starts to unravel and the window closes, thankfully, so I can exist without being dissolved into that present.
I believe that this is a glimpse of the nature and reality of God. Not some man in the sky. If that's what you think then your conception of God is far too small. I'm talking about the Source of all sources. The prime. The thing from which all that is derives its being. And by many other philosophical proofs, I could demonstrate why it must be personal. In short, it can't be a nameless force or a reflection of my own infinity because it must needs be something higher than my faculty to perceive it or contemplate it. So if I can regard it, how much more would the source have to be capable of regarding? If I can think of it, how much more must it, first and to a greater degree, think of me. But there are treatises (literally) on this, and I invite you to do your own homework on it.
My point is that where else could such a being (even "being" is too small a word) exist but in the only spaceless, timeless space that does exist? That ever-present, unchanging Now. In that point, I can access the big bang. I can understand the origin of the universe. I can know the meaning of knowing. I can experience what IS on a deeper level than can be cognitively processed. It's right there all the time. Seriously try it, see what you experience.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Animal
I feel like a wild animal. This bears explanation because most people probably think something other than what I mean by the phrase. Wild animals are cautious and wary. But they are also calm and calculating. They alertly size up any situation and react in predictable ways.
The reason most people don't see this is because they are too out of touch to get close. The wild things know they are coming far before they get there. But if you learn to be more wild, you'll be amazed at what you see. Imagine being the one who surprises them! It's not that hard.
But anyway, I feel like this most of the time. I do not like being seen unless I intend to. I like to be aware, to read situations for danger or instability. If it looks unsafe, my guard never drops. Sometimes this looks like inattention, but it's exactly the opposite. I'm either distracted by something I need to track, or there are too many things to allow focus on any one for long.
I have pretty set behavior patterns. What's mine is mine, what's not mine is not my concern. I share freely, and do not take more than I need. But I expect the same courtesy. You are welcome to shared space, and I won't bother your space, but stay the **** out of mine unless I allow it. And those lines are pretty clear.
Wild animals do not just attack. They attack in order to eat, in which case, they do not over kill. Or they attack for defense. And usually after ample warning. I have faced alligators, snakes, sharks, hogs, deer, dogs, raccoons, wild goats, even wasps and spiders. None ever attack wantonly. In fact it's pretty hard to get them to do it. They'll take large amounts of harassment first. But when they do attack, it's not play time. They are trying to end the conflict decisively. Once it's over, there's no further problem, though they may be warier next time.
I too, hate conflict. But I also hate being messed with. So when things escalate, I'm not playing and one or both of us will be hurt in serious ways. Trust me, I'm seeking to end the conflict as decisively as possible. I may not be the biggest or most threatening, but my advantage is that, by that point, I'm not holding back. And I'm preparing for this far before most people would be. So it's best to heed the warnings. No "bucking up", no rules. I will disable the threat as quickly as possible. When I engage know that I will attempt to permanently injure or kill. I don't want to do that. So for God's sake, don't push it.
Is that scary? Only if you plan to push it. It's not berserk here. It's just wild. The other side of wild is the tender soft side. Wild animals are not monsters. They are loving and feeling in proportion to their kind. They are intensely loyal, and often quite forgiving and generous. For them, there is only one way to be, and that is the right way. They make mistakes and they learn. But no wild thing ever tries to be bad, or cheat, or ruin. They simply are what the were made to be and strive to do that to perfection. We hate being trapped. We are most whole and happy when free and in the wild.
This is me. I've known for a while, but it was freshly opened to me recently. If you know me, I'm sure you can see how this fits. If I'm confusing somehow, see if this doesn't help explain.
Is this normal? Certainly not in the statistical sense. I don't know about any other senses. Is there a place for me in this world? Yes. But our culture hates wildness. The fear/control complex requires that since it, by definition can't be controlled, it must be eliminated, or at least driven from daily awareness.
This is a hard realization. To know that your people will always misunderstand, manipulate, and try to control the very thing that most defines you, and you with it.
The reason most people don't see this is because they are too out of touch to get close. The wild things know they are coming far before they get there. But if you learn to be more wild, you'll be amazed at what you see. Imagine being the one who surprises them! It's not that hard.
But anyway, I feel like this most of the time. I do not like being seen unless I intend to. I like to be aware, to read situations for danger or instability. If it looks unsafe, my guard never drops. Sometimes this looks like inattention, but it's exactly the opposite. I'm either distracted by something I need to track, or there are too many things to allow focus on any one for long.
I have pretty set behavior patterns. What's mine is mine, what's not mine is not my concern. I share freely, and do not take more than I need. But I expect the same courtesy. You are welcome to shared space, and I won't bother your space, but stay the **** out of mine unless I allow it. And those lines are pretty clear.
Wild animals do not just attack. They attack in order to eat, in which case, they do not over kill. Or they attack for defense. And usually after ample warning. I have faced alligators, snakes, sharks, hogs, deer, dogs, raccoons, wild goats, even wasps and spiders. None ever attack wantonly. In fact it's pretty hard to get them to do it. They'll take large amounts of harassment first. But when they do attack, it's not play time. They are trying to end the conflict decisively. Once it's over, there's no further problem, though they may be warier next time.
I too, hate conflict. But I also hate being messed with. So when things escalate, I'm not playing and one or both of us will be hurt in serious ways. Trust me, I'm seeking to end the conflict as decisively as possible. I may not be the biggest or most threatening, but my advantage is that, by that point, I'm not holding back. And I'm preparing for this far before most people would be. So it's best to heed the warnings. No "bucking up", no rules. I will disable the threat as quickly as possible. When I engage know that I will attempt to permanently injure or kill. I don't want to do that. So for God's sake, don't push it.
Is that scary? Only if you plan to push it. It's not berserk here. It's just wild. The other side of wild is the tender soft side. Wild animals are not monsters. They are loving and feeling in proportion to their kind. They are intensely loyal, and often quite forgiving and generous. For them, there is only one way to be, and that is the right way. They make mistakes and they learn. But no wild thing ever tries to be bad, or cheat, or ruin. They simply are what the were made to be and strive to do that to perfection. We hate being trapped. We are most whole and happy when free and in the wild.
This is me. I've known for a while, but it was freshly opened to me recently. If you know me, I'm sure you can see how this fits. If I'm confusing somehow, see if this doesn't help explain.
Is this normal? Certainly not in the statistical sense. I don't know about any other senses. Is there a place for me in this world? Yes. But our culture hates wildness. The fear/control complex requires that since it, by definition can't be controlled, it must be eliminated, or at least driven from daily awareness.
This is a hard realization. To know that your people will always misunderstand, manipulate, and try to control the very thing that most defines you, and you with it.
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Is this new?
After my recent cycle into darkness, I am starting to feel better. Not 100%, but better. I'm still working out some things about causes, triggers, etc. No major metanoia either though.
But I did have one realization as the light started to dawn in my world again. I've been faking things pretty darn well. I actually do it a lot. It probably started as a survival mechanism somewhere. But I remember coming to a point years ago where I had to let things out. It helped me stay out of the dark. But I developed a reputation for being really angry. I kept my head pretty well, but I would verbally rail about things that upset me and there were lots of them.
Overtime, I had thought I'd gotten rid of that. Calmed down. But recently I've found that same part of me still there, still as angry. It hadn't come back. It just never left. I guess I'd been repressing it.
Actually, I hate being angry. It's really just a sort of snarling out of fear and frustration. See, it all comes back to cages. I hate being pent up. I don't know why. I'm not claustrophobic or anything, it's more an internal sort of thing. When I'm being boxed in, given a situation where there's no way out, I start to get like any intelligent animal in a cage gets. They either get mean, go crazy, or give up. And mean is the most conducive to survival. Crazy just means they've won, and giving up feels worse than anything. That's where the demons are. So anger it is.
But anyway, my point is that I had become pretty good at faking the right attitude. Even in my spiritual life, I know what a mature Christian should exhibit, and I can put that on. I can also pull off just the right mix of humility and power to make people think I'm pretty darn holy. I even learned to mix in a good deal of truth with it such that I flat out tell people I'm bad, but do it in a way that they don't believe me. I'm serious about this. I know how to pause, tone my voice, phrase my words and make what I want to say seem wise or mysterious or even beyond my years. I even fooled myself into believing it. Seriously. That's what I've just learned. I haven't really grown much at all.
Now in some ways I have, sure. I could go into those but that would make this over-long. But in this deep root area, I have not changed much at all. The fruits of the spirit are just not there. I know how to make them look like they're there, but that's not the same thing. It's not. What's real is the natural outpouring of the heart when we're not trying.
What's been coming out of me lately means I'm either possessed or have just opened up a dark corner of my internal house and found it has been rotting in there for a long time. I don't want to go into what made me realize this, but suffice to say you'll probably imagine it worse than it was outwardly, but if I told you, you'd imagine it far less than it was inwardly. So I won't say.
But this made me think of how that could happen. How could I pursue virtue and good character and not find even a little of it? I think it's because I'm pursuing the wrong thing. You see, any time we Christians lay an expectation on another, we force them, be it insidiously slight or brashly overt, to ACT like we tell them they should. It's all about the DIY. Fruits are love, joy, peace, patience... So I'll just be more loving, joyful, peaceful, patient. I won't be perfect, but heck, we're all sinners saved by grace, right? It's the try that counts and the more we try, the more we actually become. Fake it till you make it!
This is wrong. God wants us not to love him from obligation or expectation. He wants us to genuinely love him. He'd rather us reject him than pretend. This is the only explanation that makes sense. So if I'm doing something good that my heart's not into, I might as well not do it. Better to be bad and honest than good and a liar because the first leads to real life, while the other leads to white-washed tombs.
So this part isn't new. I've blogged about it before. But what is new is the realization that I am one of the tombs. If it took a trip to hell to open my eyes to that, then I thank God for it. I've got to quit this, but I can't. So I have to re-learn it all from this perspective. He does the work. I just grow however he grows me; I can't, sow, hoe, water, and prune myself.
So if you think I've fallen off the deep end, you were just one of those I duped. Please don't try to draw me back in. It's hard to stay honest in this. And I'm faking it enough already in writing this so cleanly.
But I did have one realization as the light started to dawn in my world again. I've been faking things pretty darn well. I actually do it a lot. It probably started as a survival mechanism somewhere. But I remember coming to a point years ago where I had to let things out. It helped me stay out of the dark. But I developed a reputation for being really angry. I kept my head pretty well, but I would verbally rail about things that upset me and there were lots of them.
Overtime, I had thought I'd gotten rid of that. Calmed down. But recently I've found that same part of me still there, still as angry. It hadn't come back. It just never left. I guess I'd been repressing it.
Actually, I hate being angry. It's really just a sort of snarling out of fear and frustration. See, it all comes back to cages. I hate being pent up. I don't know why. I'm not claustrophobic or anything, it's more an internal sort of thing. When I'm being boxed in, given a situation where there's no way out, I start to get like any intelligent animal in a cage gets. They either get mean, go crazy, or give up. And mean is the most conducive to survival. Crazy just means they've won, and giving up feels worse than anything. That's where the demons are. So anger it is.
But anyway, my point is that I had become pretty good at faking the right attitude. Even in my spiritual life, I know what a mature Christian should exhibit, and I can put that on. I can also pull off just the right mix of humility and power to make people think I'm pretty darn holy. I even learned to mix in a good deal of truth with it such that I flat out tell people I'm bad, but do it in a way that they don't believe me. I'm serious about this. I know how to pause, tone my voice, phrase my words and make what I want to say seem wise or mysterious or even beyond my years. I even fooled myself into believing it. Seriously. That's what I've just learned. I haven't really grown much at all.
Now in some ways I have, sure. I could go into those but that would make this over-long. But in this deep root area, I have not changed much at all. The fruits of the spirit are just not there. I know how to make them look like they're there, but that's not the same thing. It's not. What's real is the natural outpouring of the heart when we're not trying.
What's been coming out of me lately means I'm either possessed or have just opened up a dark corner of my internal house and found it has been rotting in there for a long time. I don't want to go into what made me realize this, but suffice to say you'll probably imagine it worse than it was outwardly, but if I told you, you'd imagine it far less than it was inwardly. So I won't say.
But this made me think of how that could happen. How could I pursue virtue and good character and not find even a little of it? I think it's because I'm pursuing the wrong thing. You see, any time we Christians lay an expectation on another, we force them, be it insidiously slight or brashly overt, to ACT like we tell them they should. It's all about the DIY. Fruits are love, joy, peace, patience... So I'll just be more loving, joyful, peaceful, patient. I won't be perfect, but heck, we're all sinners saved by grace, right? It's the try that counts and the more we try, the more we actually become. Fake it till you make it!
This is wrong. God wants us not to love him from obligation or expectation. He wants us to genuinely love him. He'd rather us reject him than pretend. This is the only explanation that makes sense. So if I'm doing something good that my heart's not into, I might as well not do it. Better to be bad and honest than good and a liar because the first leads to real life, while the other leads to white-washed tombs.
So this part isn't new. I've blogged about it before. But what is new is the realization that I am one of the tombs. If it took a trip to hell to open my eyes to that, then I thank God for it. I've got to quit this, but I can't. So I have to re-learn it all from this perspective. He does the work. I just grow however he grows me; I can't, sow, hoe, water, and prune myself.
So if you think I've fallen off the deep end, you were just one of those I duped. Please don't try to draw me back in. It's hard to stay honest in this. And I'm faking it enough already in writing this so cleanly.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Poured
"Christians devour each other." This is a quote I once read in an article by a Christian who was quoting his athiest friend who was observing why he isn't a Christian. It's very true.
I feel poured out. Stretched at every point. People want things and they want more and more and more. Like my cup is draining faster than filling. And then some people ask for things they don't really want you to give them.
I do public work. So what I do isn't just inconsequential money-making tasks. It's things that enable most of you do your inconsequential money-making tasks, and I do them at a level that is involved in the decisions and planning. So it is not boasting to say that what I do affects all of you who live in the same area and has lasting impacts into the future. It's just so invisible to your daily lives that you don't even know it's going on. But I digress.
My point is that even in this, a coworker was saying today, "It's as if they ask us to make something better because they have to, but they really just want to keep doing the same old thing, so they make it something super difficult to actually accomplish with little resources, and when we figure out a way to do it anyway, they say, 'oh s***!, we never thought they'd actually do it!' So they have to make it artificially difficult."
So I get it from all sides. And in the place I should find rest and comfort, I find people saying, "well if your joy isn't complete you just have to..." It's all on my effort. Even if that effort is simply believing something, or thinking something, or seeing something differently. I don't know if these people are well-meaning candy-eyed types who have never really known darkness, or if they're just clones spitting whatever script they can access from a motivational poster, or if they are just as screwed up and think they need to mask it by saying the 'right' thing.
Well, I'm stepping out and saying that for some of us, it isn't that easy. If I were to hound you about running and tell you that you just need to run faster. You just need stronger muscles, a better heart, more endurance! You'd look at me and say, "easy for you to say." Well why is it any different with a mental or emotional condition. I can't help it! I know all the stuff you're saying. I just can't make it any different! Don't you think I've tried? I promise you I'm not one of those people who just want to play the victim. and even if I was, maybe I couldn't help that either!
Why are you so quick to explain and categorize and answer? You obviously don't get it, or you're a liar. Either way, you make it abundantly clear that I can't reveal this part of me to you. So you rob from me a place to find rest. You force a tired soul out into the night again because there's obviously no room in your inn for the likes of me.
Even still, for your sake, I hope God doesn't lay my blood on your hands because I don't think you know what you do. And I've been to hell, just went back for a visit actually. Trust me, you don't want to go.
I feel poured out. Stretched at every point. People want things and they want more and more and more. Like my cup is draining faster than filling. And then some people ask for things they don't really want you to give them.
I do public work. So what I do isn't just inconsequential money-making tasks. It's things that enable most of you do your inconsequential money-making tasks, and I do them at a level that is involved in the decisions and planning. So it is not boasting to say that what I do affects all of you who live in the same area and has lasting impacts into the future. It's just so invisible to your daily lives that you don't even know it's going on. But I digress.
My point is that even in this, a coworker was saying today, "It's as if they ask us to make something better because they have to, but they really just want to keep doing the same old thing, so they make it something super difficult to actually accomplish with little resources, and when we figure out a way to do it anyway, they say, 'oh s***!, we never thought they'd actually do it!' So they have to make it artificially difficult."
So I get it from all sides. And in the place I should find rest and comfort, I find people saying, "well if your joy isn't complete you just have to..." It's all on my effort. Even if that effort is simply believing something, or thinking something, or seeing something differently. I don't know if these people are well-meaning candy-eyed types who have never really known darkness, or if they're just clones spitting whatever script they can access from a motivational poster, or if they are just as screwed up and think they need to mask it by saying the 'right' thing.
Well, I'm stepping out and saying that for some of us, it isn't that easy. If I were to hound you about running and tell you that you just need to run faster. You just need stronger muscles, a better heart, more endurance! You'd look at me and say, "easy for you to say." Well why is it any different with a mental or emotional condition. I can't help it! I know all the stuff you're saying. I just can't make it any different! Don't you think I've tried? I promise you I'm not one of those people who just want to play the victim. and even if I was, maybe I couldn't help that either!
Why are you so quick to explain and categorize and answer? You obviously don't get it, or you're a liar. Either way, you make it abundantly clear that I can't reveal this part of me to you. So you rob from me a place to find rest. You force a tired soul out into the night again because there's obviously no room in your inn for the likes of me.
Even still, for your sake, I hope God doesn't lay my blood on your hands because I don't think you know what you do. And I've been to hell, just went back for a visit actually. Trust me, you don't want to go.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
New Wine
Think of a world of goodness. A world of hope and happiness in which people are fulfilled and not wronged. A place where you are known for who you are and you can drop the masks of conformity and social acceptance. A place where things are as they should be.
Doesn't exist, right? Many people have promised it in one form or another. Many have sought it in one form or another. Many try to bluff us into believing it is in a certain system or organization. But our hearts know when it isn't there, right? Deep down, they can't lie and we know when we're being fooled.
I was taught that Jesus was the way to all those things. That it didn't exist in this world, but it would in the place called heaven where no bad thing could enter. That Jesus was the gatekeeper. That we had to follow him. That all we had to do was accept his free gift. Well, accept it and truly believe it. That, and stop doing bad things. Oh, and go to church, learn about him. Yeah, and memorize Bible verses, and not listen to music that was too wild...unless the band was Christian, but then only if they really acted like it because you know people say they are, but the proof is in their life. Which, while we're at it, let's talk about your clothes. Oh, and of course, you HAVE to witness. That's everyone's job because there's so many people out there going to hell because they don't believe right, which we can tell because they don't do all the things we do. Of course, we can't judge. Some of them could actually be saved. But definitely not those over there.
God help me! Is it any wonder I lost my mind? Who can keep that up? It's insidious and wicked to the core! It eats up those who spew it like stomach acid. So if that's what hope is, I can't have it. And without hope, there's only nihilism. A dry empty desert of never-ending grey. No direction, no purpose. Just blind existence. Nothing matters. Maybe I'll just die today and think, 'finally' as the life slips out of me and I release the curse of consciousness.
But in that place, something broke through in me. It was fresh and bright and full of energy. I didn't know what it was, but it appeared, when I could see it, with strong male arms and hands. Of course, I pretended it must be Jesus because that's what I had been taught, but I didn't really know. I was just glad to have breath. To see light. To see that the world was hopeless because the hope was outside of it. While I didn't know who or what that was, I was hooked. I didn't care, something inside was screaming that was what I needed.
If it ate me up, I didn't care. That was life and I needed it. Like heat migrates to cold, it was soaking into me and I didn't want it to stop.
It wasn't at all like the Jesus I had been taught. So I dropped what I knew like a broken toy. If Jesus and this light went two separate directions, I was following the light. How could I not! This thing was palpable. I couldn't go back to that death. But the weird thing is, the more I tried to shake off the Jesus I had been taught, the more I kept finding he wasn't really what I had been taught. When I read his words with my own fresh eyes, they didn't say what I had been taught they said. They said things that flared that light inside me. Things I didn't find anywhere else.
Now I've blogged enough about my darkness. That cloud in my flesh never really goes away. But deep inside, there's still this place of light that no one gets to see. And I mean that, no one. And from that place of freedom come all kinds of good things that make people look at me like I'm from some other planet.
But then, I keep trying to find others who share this understanding and in every church, in every group, I find sparks of it, that quickly get smothered by a heap of stinking wet leaves every time they flare! Why is it that people can't stop heaping their own death on the living fire?
Don't get me wrong, some have and we get along like the kindred spirits we are. But most of those that think they get it don't. They try to pull me in, they see something in me they can't place, but they like it, so they try to rein it into their system. But you can't!
I'm telling you all, you know who you are. You can't rein it in because it isn't in me. You can't rein me in because I'm in it. It's so much bigger. You touch it and then try to bottle it. But it can't be bottled, and I have to be true to that light and truth. I don't steer it, box, it, guide it. It guides me! It...or He as I have come to know Him guides me. In my deep place where He sits, I know what's right and what isn't.
See, even now, you're searching your mental scripts for a place to stick what I'm saying. You think you've got it. We'll, I'll help you out...it's in the Bible. "Stand at the door and knock", "Come in to him and make my home with him", you're hearing the songs from Sunday School about Jesus in your heart. Yeah, that's because they're describing this! It just isn't what you think it is!! If it was, you wouldn't look at me like you can't quite get me. You'd look at me like you know what I know. I can tell man! I know because I came to it from the outside. I couldn't see it from the inside either.
So you know what? I'm done with it. I'm shaking the dust off and going to those who aren't tainted. New wine skins for new wine, yeah?
The very images you use to leave people in the dust who disagree with you are what I'm using to part ways with you. But unlike your understanding, I don't think it means you aren't worth my time or are in error. We just don't speak the same language and therefore we can't communicate. You think we do, but we don't because when I try to make a point, you say, "Yeah! and then go totally the other direction."
But I will leave you with a sign post in the direction I'm heading. Because I know you'll come sooner or later. Whether your rules involve authorities and buildings, or annointings and movements, or doings and houses, they're still performance-based systems motivated out of ought and should and gotta. And if you think yours isn't, test it in this way: Refuse or challenge what some leader in your system says should happen. Do it to them directly...politely, but in no uncertain terms. See what happens. Dollars to doughnuts, their reaction is severe, possibly angry, and rooted in threat response. Because people who don't line up show the cracks in their boxes and what can't be controlled must be expelled. Don't believe me? Try it.
To everyone else, don't be afraid to follow that light and good you feel. Chase it down where you find it. That love won't lead you too far off. And if anything I've said has sparked that in you, come find me. I mean that. I'll help you carry your baggage and I don't need to see what's inside it. We'll follow that light until we find that place to rest.
Doesn't exist, right? Many people have promised it in one form or another. Many have sought it in one form or another. Many try to bluff us into believing it is in a certain system or organization. But our hearts know when it isn't there, right? Deep down, they can't lie and we know when we're being fooled.
I was taught that Jesus was the way to all those things. That it didn't exist in this world, but it would in the place called heaven where no bad thing could enter. That Jesus was the gatekeeper. That we had to follow him. That all we had to do was accept his free gift. Well, accept it and truly believe it. That, and stop doing bad things. Oh, and go to church, learn about him. Yeah, and memorize Bible verses, and not listen to music that was too wild...unless the band was Christian, but then only if they really acted like it because you know people say they are, but the proof is in their life. Which, while we're at it, let's talk about your clothes. Oh, and of course, you HAVE to witness. That's everyone's job because there's so many people out there going to hell because they don't believe right, which we can tell because they don't do all the things we do. Of course, we can't judge. Some of them could actually be saved. But definitely not those over there.
God help me! Is it any wonder I lost my mind? Who can keep that up? It's insidious and wicked to the core! It eats up those who spew it like stomach acid. So if that's what hope is, I can't have it. And without hope, there's only nihilism. A dry empty desert of never-ending grey. No direction, no purpose. Just blind existence. Nothing matters. Maybe I'll just die today and think, 'finally' as the life slips out of me and I release the curse of consciousness.
But in that place, something broke through in me. It was fresh and bright and full of energy. I didn't know what it was, but it appeared, when I could see it, with strong male arms and hands. Of course, I pretended it must be Jesus because that's what I had been taught, but I didn't really know. I was just glad to have breath. To see light. To see that the world was hopeless because the hope was outside of it. While I didn't know who or what that was, I was hooked. I didn't care, something inside was screaming that was what I needed.
If it ate me up, I didn't care. That was life and I needed it. Like heat migrates to cold, it was soaking into me and I didn't want it to stop.
It wasn't at all like the Jesus I had been taught. So I dropped what I knew like a broken toy. If Jesus and this light went two separate directions, I was following the light. How could I not! This thing was palpable. I couldn't go back to that death. But the weird thing is, the more I tried to shake off the Jesus I had been taught, the more I kept finding he wasn't really what I had been taught. When I read his words with my own fresh eyes, they didn't say what I had been taught they said. They said things that flared that light inside me. Things I didn't find anywhere else.
Now I've blogged enough about my darkness. That cloud in my flesh never really goes away. But deep inside, there's still this place of light that no one gets to see. And I mean that, no one. And from that place of freedom come all kinds of good things that make people look at me like I'm from some other planet.
But then, I keep trying to find others who share this understanding and in every church, in every group, I find sparks of it, that quickly get smothered by a heap of stinking wet leaves every time they flare! Why is it that people can't stop heaping their own death on the living fire?
Don't get me wrong, some have and we get along like the kindred spirits we are. But most of those that think they get it don't. They try to pull me in, they see something in me they can't place, but they like it, so they try to rein it into their system. But you can't!
I'm telling you all, you know who you are. You can't rein it in because it isn't in me. You can't rein me in because I'm in it. It's so much bigger. You touch it and then try to bottle it. But it can't be bottled, and I have to be true to that light and truth. I don't steer it, box, it, guide it. It guides me! It...or He as I have come to know Him guides me. In my deep place where He sits, I know what's right and what isn't.
See, even now, you're searching your mental scripts for a place to stick what I'm saying. You think you've got it. We'll, I'll help you out...it's in the Bible. "Stand at the door and knock", "Come in to him and make my home with him", you're hearing the songs from Sunday School about Jesus in your heart. Yeah, that's because they're describing this! It just isn't what you think it is!! If it was, you wouldn't look at me like you can't quite get me. You'd look at me like you know what I know. I can tell man! I know because I came to it from the outside. I couldn't see it from the inside either.
So you know what? I'm done with it. I'm shaking the dust off and going to those who aren't tainted. New wine skins for new wine, yeah?
The very images you use to leave people in the dust who disagree with you are what I'm using to part ways with you. But unlike your understanding, I don't think it means you aren't worth my time or are in error. We just don't speak the same language and therefore we can't communicate. You think we do, but we don't because when I try to make a point, you say, "Yeah! and then go totally the other direction."
But I will leave you with a sign post in the direction I'm heading. Because I know you'll come sooner or later. Whether your rules involve authorities and buildings, or annointings and movements, or doings and houses, they're still performance-based systems motivated out of ought and should and gotta. And if you think yours isn't, test it in this way: Refuse or challenge what some leader in your system says should happen. Do it to them directly...politely, but in no uncertain terms. See what happens. Dollars to doughnuts, their reaction is severe, possibly angry, and rooted in threat response. Because people who don't line up show the cracks in their boxes and what can't be controlled must be expelled. Don't believe me? Try it.
To everyone else, don't be afraid to follow that light and good you feel. Chase it down where you find it. That love won't lead you too far off. And if anything I've said has sparked that in you, come find me. I mean that. I'll help you carry your baggage and I don't need to see what's inside it. We'll follow that light until we find that place to rest.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Judas
I've heard many people talk about Judas in different ways. His name is synonymous with betrayal, even outside of Christian circles. Teachings on him range across the spectrum. But most tend toward decidedly negative.
Here's the thing that doesn't make sense to me though. God chose him. It couldn't be otherwise, and Jesus actually says that. He also says that he was doomed for destruction. He says it would be better for him not to have been born. Really! This is Jesus talking. The guy who picked up the adulterer and turned away the people who would kill her for her faults. The friend of drunkards and traitors. Now he's saying this guy is less than dust? Doomed by God to the worst fate of any human ever?
OK. So some people reason around that by saying it was Judas' free will. He could have chosen otherwise. So what we're seeing in Jesus' statements is his foreknowledge. But Judas could have chosen another path, and didn't. So he's up the creek on his own account.
But then, what about forgiveness. Just like the adulterer. Am I to believe that one particular act could so define my eternal existence that I could be the most pitied soul in the universe? What kind of pressure is that? Good God, there's no hope for me, then! Sure, I've never had the opportunity to turn God Incarnate over to a tortuous death...but I would have! I've mocked. I've turned away. I've outright refused him as much to his face as I can get in this world. Yet I know in my deep places the feeling of peace and forgiveness I receive from God. Why doesn't Judas get the same from the unchanging God?
No, I would argue that he does. I don't know Judas. I could speculate on his personality and motives. Many have. But that's all pure fiction. We don't know. He could have been a misguided zealot, an addict who couldn't control himself, or Satan's own henchman. None of which would entirely be his own fault, and thereby giving God some responsibility for his creation with whatever neuro-chemical damage he may have had. I don't know. But the only way I can make sense of it is to remember that God is love. Jesus exemplifies forgiveness. Whatever the reason, Judas played a pivotal role in history and one that none of us in our right minds would want. (Sure if you don't believe Jesus was who he claimed to be, you might think differently, but we're not redefining the story here. We're taking it as it is presented. So if you're one of those people, pretend you aren't for a second and stay with my thinking long enough to get my point.) So I don't think Jesus is condemning him. I think he's pitying him.
Nothing fits these facts better than the model of a father, which conveniently, pervades the Bible. No good father wants his children to experience pain, to be sick, etc. But some kids are not well. Some make terrible choices that impact themselves and others. Some are given hard fates that must be dealt with. But through it all, a father wants to protect and heal his children. Even through grievous self-chosen wrong. What father wouldn't put his kid through rehab to get him clean? Even as he screams and cries for more of the poison. Or worse, who wouldn't bash his kid over the head if he was caught in the act of a rape? You'd still love and pity that kid, want to get them help, but that hurt needs to happen. If you think you'd just disown them, that's still proves my point. Sometimes the pain is so great you have to turn away and leave the kid to their own mess for a while.
So it's clear to me that Judas is not to be envied. But he stands to me as the epitomy of what our faith is about. And I would not be in the least surprised to find he has a very special and protected place in deep in the bosom of God where he can heal and be free of unwarranted pain. If this is not so, then like Paul, I say we Christians are to be pitied above all men.
Here's the thing that doesn't make sense to me though. God chose him. It couldn't be otherwise, and Jesus actually says that. He also says that he was doomed for destruction. He says it would be better for him not to have been born. Really! This is Jesus talking. The guy who picked up the adulterer and turned away the people who would kill her for her faults. The friend of drunkards and traitors. Now he's saying this guy is less than dust? Doomed by God to the worst fate of any human ever?
OK. So some people reason around that by saying it was Judas' free will. He could have chosen otherwise. So what we're seeing in Jesus' statements is his foreknowledge. But Judas could have chosen another path, and didn't. So he's up the creek on his own account.
But then, what about forgiveness. Just like the adulterer. Am I to believe that one particular act could so define my eternal existence that I could be the most pitied soul in the universe? What kind of pressure is that? Good God, there's no hope for me, then! Sure, I've never had the opportunity to turn God Incarnate over to a tortuous death...but I would have! I've mocked. I've turned away. I've outright refused him as much to his face as I can get in this world. Yet I know in my deep places the feeling of peace and forgiveness I receive from God. Why doesn't Judas get the same from the unchanging God?
No, I would argue that he does. I don't know Judas. I could speculate on his personality and motives. Many have. But that's all pure fiction. We don't know. He could have been a misguided zealot, an addict who couldn't control himself, or Satan's own henchman. None of which would entirely be his own fault, and thereby giving God some responsibility for his creation with whatever neuro-chemical damage he may have had. I don't know. But the only way I can make sense of it is to remember that God is love. Jesus exemplifies forgiveness. Whatever the reason, Judas played a pivotal role in history and one that none of us in our right minds would want. (Sure if you don't believe Jesus was who he claimed to be, you might think differently, but we're not redefining the story here. We're taking it as it is presented. So if you're one of those people, pretend you aren't for a second and stay with my thinking long enough to get my point.) So I don't think Jesus is condemning him. I think he's pitying him.
Nothing fits these facts better than the model of a father, which conveniently, pervades the Bible. No good father wants his children to experience pain, to be sick, etc. But some kids are not well. Some make terrible choices that impact themselves and others. Some are given hard fates that must be dealt with. But through it all, a father wants to protect and heal his children. Even through grievous self-chosen wrong. What father wouldn't put his kid through rehab to get him clean? Even as he screams and cries for more of the poison. Or worse, who wouldn't bash his kid over the head if he was caught in the act of a rape? You'd still love and pity that kid, want to get them help, but that hurt needs to happen. If you think you'd just disown them, that's still proves my point. Sometimes the pain is so great you have to turn away and leave the kid to their own mess for a while.
So it's clear to me that Judas is not to be envied. But he stands to me as the epitomy of what our faith is about. And I would not be in the least surprised to find he has a very special and protected place in deep in the bosom of God where he can heal and be free of unwarranted pain. If this is not so, then like Paul, I say we Christians are to be pitied above all men.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Safe
I want to say something very serious...well I'm usually serious, so more serious than usual. This post is for anyone who finds it and needs it. I want you to know that this will always be a safe place for you. I will always be a safe place for you.
I am like you. I know depression. I know the taste of a gun barrel and the feel of a blade on my wrists. I have carved my pain in my arms and chest. I know about the masks. I know about good days and bad. I know decades...literally decades of only nightmares at night. I know the hollowness. I know the terror of lonely places, dark corners. I know the desire to simply cease being.
I know trances and psychic attack. I know the evil that can make you forget your own name. I know what it is to have my senses coopted by things that feed on pain and fear, to lose touch with reality for a time, to approach the gates of hell.
I know rage. I know the overwhelming desire to kill and destroy. I know what it is to look out of burning eyes and calculate the animal rending of someone before me.
I know rejection. I know false acceptance. I know the taunts and insults. I know the subtle but clear lack of understanding from people who want to care. I know how that look of alienation cuts more deeply because it comes from those who obviously don't want to wound. It just tells us how strange we are.
So if you understand this. If you know me or if you stumble across this late one night. Know that I am here and you are there. And you are not alone. Look at my picture. Read my words. Do I not seem like someone who knows?
You don't need to be anything other than what you are around me. And if you need me, I will be there in whatever way I can. This is my promise. Test me and see if I don't mean it. I don't come with programs and easy answers. But I come. I am the living dead, sent for the dead living. I gave up my life and it has been given back for you.
I am Cavvvp. I am real. And I am here.
I am like you. I know depression. I know the taste of a gun barrel and the feel of a blade on my wrists. I have carved my pain in my arms and chest. I know about the masks. I know about good days and bad. I know decades...literally decades of only nightmares at night. I know the hollowness. I know the terror of lonely places, dark corners. I know the desire to simply cease being.
I know trances and psychic attack. I know the evil that can make you forget your own name. I know what it is to have my senses coopted by things that feed on pain and fear, to lose touch with reality for a time, to approach the gates of hell.
I know rage. I know the overwhelming desire to kill and destroy. I know what it is to look out of burning eyes and calculate the animal rending of someone before me.
I know rejection. I know false acceptance. I know the taunts and insults. I know the subtle but clear lack of understanding from people who want to care. I know how that look of alienation cuts more deeply because it comes from those who obviously don't want to wound. It just tells us how strange we are.
So if you understand this. If you know me or if you stumble across this late one night. Know that I am here and you are there. And you are not alone. Look at my picture. Read my words. Do I not seem like someone who knows?
You don't need to be anything other than what you are around me. And if you need me, I will be there in whatever way I can. This is my promise. Test me and see if I don't mean it. I don't come with programs and easy answers. But I come. I am the living dead, sent for the dead living. I gave up my life and it has been given back for you.
I am Cavvvp. I am real. And I am here.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Cloud
It's been a while since I posted and there's a reason for that. A lot has happened. I got busy with local non-profit stuff I do and on the way back from one of the events someone ran a red light and smashed my truck. They hit right behind the driver door at about 50kph. My truck spun out and stopped against a curb. The lady dropped her phone an reached for it. When she sat back up, WHAM! she had two kids in the car and if she'd hit a fraction of a second earlier, she could have killed me and definitely would have injured me worse. SO PUT THE FREAKIN' PHONE DOWN AND DRIVE RIGHT!
I walked out, but had a few bruises and some muscle strain in my neck and shoulder. All in all, not a bad accident, thank God.
This all just after we made the decision to buy my wife a new car because hers was on the way out. We hate to have a car payment, but we got a good deal and made the leap, then this.
See, they don't make my truck any more and certainly not driven so little. With another car payment, I really didn't want to make two right now, so a new truck was out. I did manage to get another truck, but it took some searching. Prices have gone up and with so many major American companies ceasing to make small pickups, the used market is really hot for them. It is a couple years newer, but has been driven more and is a bit more worn on the body. But it's also better on gas and, being a Toyota, would be superior to an equal Ford (what I had before). So vehicle is different, but a wash in the end. Insurance covered basically the whole purchase, so I can't really complain, as long as this one turns out to be as reliable as my old one. I haven't had it long enough to trust it fully.
But as you know, this blog is about contemplation, and that's what I do. So I'm always looking for the greater lesson. Certainly, I think there's something in that I may have been tacitly trusting in my station in life more than God himself. I was sitting pretty well with no long term bills, a good job, plenty of disposable income (which we gave a good deal of to charity). Amazing how fast that can disappear. While nothing major happened in the end, it was enough to wake me up to this.
Secondly, I was thrown up against a bit of Job-like feeling. I didn't do anything to deserve the wreck. In fact I was doing more things right than many. But apparently, that doesn't matter. I know this logically, but for all of you who want to speak chiding platitudes to me, I reply, just let me come plow your classic car to bits and almost kill you in the process and let's see how you feel about it. Your pat answers just make me angry. I mean, I took care of that car and paid it off and was set to run it for the rest of my life, or nearly. That was yanked right out from under me through someone else's negligence. I think I have a right to process some emotions over it, even if they aren't entirely logical.
Add to that the deepest thing which will prevent this entry from being widely distributed. Namely, that I sit too close to the edge of depression anyway. If you are one of these people then you know what I mean. If not, then thank God and either try to understand something you know nothing about, or just stop reading now, because you won't get this easily. You see, this mental state doesn't go away. If we are functional, it's through a series of coping strategies and masks...yeah, masks, we put on. Because people don't get it. They don't know what's it's like to have this darkness hovering just behind your eyes like a cloud. Sure we joke about it and make cute donkeys or funny robots to parody it, but the reality is not amusing. Imagine looking at any scenario and immediately seeing the worst cases, running them to conclusion, and then having to hunt for the good options if you can even see them. Imagine that any joy or fun is constantly tainted by the shadow of the cloud behind your eyes and imagine having to worry if too much of that slips out and gives away too much of your inner struggles.
Our culture wants us to be happy and level. Anything below the line is not accepted. Try getting a job, being trusted with children, or even keeping friends that are good for you. Of course different people react differently to it. It isn't all just weepy, can't get out of bed stuff. Some of us cope using anger and near rage. The Linkin Park song describes it well. That face on the inside never goes away, taunting, staring, laughing. Some get destructive of self or other things. And it doesn't take much to knock us over that slippery edge.
So for someone like me, these events carry a greater challenge to grasp for life at something that can hold me out from under that cloud. I can feel it slipping when another idiot cuts me off in traffic and I have a near PSTD moment (not to belittle the true sufferers of this condition, but only to allude to it since it gets better press) with sweaty palms, racing heart, and raging temper. Or when the neighbor plays his stereo too loud and I'm feeling my blood pressure rise with every vibration of the base.
I know I will get better. I'm learning to deal with these things more quickly. And there must be a reason for God taking me down this road. I'm trying my best to trust him. He is my refuge and strength, a very present help in time of trouble. But if I slip up and complain a bit too much or seem more agitated than usual, cut me some slack, ok? And keep your worn-out platitudes to yourself. They don't help. If you don't know what might be a platitude, it's anything you've ever heard more than one person say about a similar situation. No matter how well-meaning you are, it is going to come off shallow and dismissive. So just back off. And if I offend you, I'm sorry. But you offended me first.
I walked out, but had a few bruises and some muscle strain in my neck and shoulder. All in all, not a bad accident, thank God.
This all just after we made the decision to buy my wife a new car because hers was on the way out. We hate to have a car payment, but we got a good deal and made the leap, then this.
See, they don't make my truck any more and certainly not driven so little. With another car payment, I really didn't want to make two right now, so a new truck was out. I did manage to get another truck, but it took some searching. Prices have gone up and with so many major American companies ceasing to make small pickups, the used market is really hot for them. It is a couple years newer, but has been driven more and is a bit more worn on the body. But it's also better on gas and, being a Toyota, would be superior to an equal Ford (what I had before). So vehicle is different, but a wash in the end. Insurance covered basically the whole purchase, so I can't really complain, as long as this one turns out to be as reliable as my old one. I haven't had it long enough to trust it fully.
But as you know, this blog is about contemplation, and that's what I do. So I'm always looking for the greater lesson. Certainly, I think there's something in that I may have been tacitly trusting in my station in life more than God himself. I was sitting pretty well with no long term bills, a good job, plenty of disposable income (which we gave a good deal of to charity). Amazing how fast that can disappear. While nothing major happened in the end, it was enough to wake me up to this.
Secondly, I was thrown up against a bit of Job-like feeling. I didn't do anything to deserve the wreck. In fact I was doing more things right than many. But apparently, that doesn't matter. I know this logically, but for all of you who want to speak chiding platitudes to me, I reply, just let me come plow your classic car to bits and almost kill you in the process and let's see how you feel about it. Your pat answers just make me angry. I mean, I took care of that car and paid it off and was set to run it for the rest of my life, or nearly. That was yanked right out from under me through someone else's negligence. I think I have a right to process some emotions over it, even if they aren't entirely logical.
Add to that the deepest thing which will prevent this entry from being widely distributed. Namely, that I sit too close to the edge of depression anyway. If you are one of these people then you know what I mean. If not, then thank God and either try to understand something you know nothing about, or just stop reading now, because you won't get this easily. You see, this mental state doesn't go away. If we are functional, it's through a series of coping strategies and masks...yeah, masks, we put on. Because people don't get it. They don't know what's it's like to have this darkness hovering just behind your eyes like a cloud. Sure we joke about it and make cute donkeys or funny robots to parody it, but the reality is not amusing. Imagine looking at any scenario and immediately seeing the worst cases, running them to conclusion, and then having to hunt for the good options if you can even see them. Imagine that any joy or fun is constantly tainted by the shadow of the cloud behind your eyes and imagine having to worry if too much of that slips out and gives away too much of your inner struggles.
Our culture wants us to be happy and level. Anything below the line is not accepted. Try getting a job, being trusted with children, or even keeping friends that are good for you. Of course different people react differently to it. It isn't all just weepy, can't get out of bed stuff. Some of us cope using anger and near rage. The Linkin Park song describes it well. That face on the inside never goes away, taunting, staring, laughing. Some get destructive of self or other things. And it doesn't take much to knock us over that slippery edge.
So for someone like me, these events carry a greater challenge to grasp for life at something that can hold me out from under that cloud. I can feel it slipping when another idiot cuts me off in traffic and I have a near PSTD moment (not to belittle the true sufferers of this condition, but only to allude to it since it gets better press) with sweaty palms, racing heart, and raging temper. Or when the neighbor plays his stereo too loud and I'm feeling my blood pressure rise with every vibration of the base.
I know I will get better. I'm learning to deal with these things more quickly. And there must be a reason for God taking me down this road. I'm trying my best to trust him. He is my refuge and strength, a very present help in time of trouble. But if I slip up and complain a bit too much or seem more agitated than usual, cut me some slack, ok? And keep your worn-out platitudes to yourself. They don't help. If you don't know what might be a platitude, it's anything you've ever heard more than one person say about a similar situation. No matter how well-meaning you are, it is going to come off shallow and dismissive. So just back off. And if I offend you, I'm sorry. But you offended me first.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Assimilation
This blog is about Truth. With a capital T because I mean it in the big sense, not the baser sense of "true story" or true/false. Science is also about Truth...at least it is at the heart, before media and corpocracy and fame have tainted it. The only reason science and religion conflict is because practitioners of one or both confuse the roll of each. See science can only tell us about observable reproducable things. As such, it can't talk at all about things that fall outside of the ability to observe and test. Conversely, religion isn't about empirical, observable, testable reality. Reality, yes, but not the physical world in the way science is interested. Anyway, I digress. My point is that I try to understand my world as a whole. And science informs things quite well. So it shouldn't be a surprise that this blog may also cover scientific matters from time to time as they engage in my brain.
So the concept of assimilation. This is the process of taking something in and making it a part of the entity, whether that is biological, social, spiritual, etc. Essentially, an assimilated thing ceases to be separate from the thing that assimilates it. We assimilate nutrients. Nations assimilate people. The US is known as the "melting pot", which refers to the quality of assimilating people from many backgrounds. We are not a nation based on genetic isolation or ancient tribal divides. Assimilation is a natural process that absolutely pervades every aspect of the function of the world. But I don't think many people understand it at all.
I was thinking of assimilation around the Christmas season for a couple reasons. First, because people get wound up about the various elements of the holiday. Regardless of what angle of that argument you might sit in, I think the concept of assimilation should help unwind that tension some.
No culture exists in a vacuum. Even the oldest cultures are influenced by those around them and evolve through time. The culture of a tribe 1000 years ago would not be the same now, even if that tribe were totally untouched by the outside, which none are. So there are going to be things that move from one to the other in both directions.
When Christianity first began to spread, it was spreading through existing cultures. Some of those celebrated Saturnalia, some celebrated Yule, and many other winter festivities. So when a few people began to see that this new faith had Truth, they didn't cease to live in the culture they were in. Others around them still celebrated the things they always did. Christianity, being a very assimilative type of faith, does not proscribe or prohibit much outright. The Apostle Paul (Saint Paul, depending on your tradition) who wrote most of the New Testament says all things are permissible, but not everything is beneficial. The individual has to determine what is good for themselves and their own. So many found what was good and true in the culture they occupied and kept those elements.
Where there were conflicts of conscience, people sometimes adapted the holiday to something that fit their new beliefs. Ok, so we aren't celebrating Thor any more, but as all powers and principalities are subject to the One God, then Father Christmas must also be subject to him...It's not a conscious happening, it's a slow and imperceptible shifting. Father Christmas, sounds much like the traditions of Saint Nicholas from southern Europe, so those gradually get merged as well.
Now if you are seriously conflicted by any pagan elements in your holiday, by all means, do what your conscience demands. Paul also says to bear with those who have weaker faith, so I for one won't be in your face about what gives you trouble, just like I won't drink alcohol around an alcoholic or a Baptist. But for your part, recognize the freedom of those of us who do not feel conflicted about it. We're not apostate because we let our kids enjoy a gift given in the name of a mythical character or a Saint. WE aren't worshipping a pagan God when we do it, despite the origin.
And if you're on the other side where you feel your holiday was stolen and perverted by us tyrannical Christians, please remember that you are still free to celebrate whatever you like. As I described above, most of the assimilation was a natural cultural process and not a decision to abolish or persecute your religion. I don't doubt that there were times where a state religion prohibited practices in an attempt to mandate what it felt was good. But that's not what's happening in the West right now. In fact, in today's world, you're more likely to live in a nation that mandates against Christianity, if it speaks to national religion at all. So it goes both ways. Individuals are not nations and nations are not individuals. Celebrate what you like in the way you like and allow others the same respect, even if you disagree. This is the definition of political and religious freedom.
Now on to the second topic of assimilation. Food. When you eat, your body assimilates the chemicals in that food: proteins, lipids, nutrients, synthetics, etc. Those things become a part of your body. Your body knows how to use a lot of those things. A good deal of them, your body can't use. Some of them actively break down the processes in your body as it tries to figure out what to do with them. But since assimilation is a great principle of life on Earth, a natural law, your body has an amazing capacity to take damage. It will assimilate and assimilate until it is overloaded. Even useful things can become a problem when there are too many of them.
Unfortunately, our bodies are so good at assimilating stuff we often don't take notice. The impacts, are virtually undetectable. But they are occurring. We only notice it once it's so far damaged that something actually breaks. It's the same process all over the natural world. I'm a water scientist and I see people seep junk into lakes and rivers for decades and then get utterly bewildered when the lake turns green and icky "all of a sudden". Truthfully, there are usually warning signs if you know what to look for, but people don't pay attention to them in their body or the world around them.
Even the government is not good at watching this. You see, most of the government employees want to do good, that's why we choose a lower paying career that comes with ample abuse from ignorant people. But a good deal of the job is about keeping the wheels turning. In the US especially, it's hard to just say, "whoa, change everything because this isn't working." So we operate by determining exactly how much we can mess something up before the impacts are too noticeable. I'm dead serious about this. It's how the laws are written and how the policies are structured. It's not a mindset of keeping things healthy, solvent, or sustainable. It's how much abuse can we take from all the pressures and not fall apart.
The same goes with individual health. Many people try to sneak just under the line where they crash rather than aim for the healthiest they can be. Fortunately for someone with a condition like me, my body reacts far more instantly to a bad element than most. So people say it's a problem with my body and those things don't affect them. But they DO affect you. They affect everyone. I'm like the canary in the coal mine. My reaction is the magnified and instant representation of what it's doing to you over the decades.
So why play with fire? If you, unlike me, have a good margin of safety, you won't fall out from a little bad stuff, but it's still bad! Imagine how healthy you could be if you didn't keep taking in that stuff that's pulling you apart at the cellular level.
Anyway, these have been my thoughts through this Christmas season as I've watched and listened to the world around me. As we start into a new year, I'd encourage you to take advantage of this marker in time to begin consciously assimilating these ideas about assimilation. Once you understand the concept, it explains so much of the world around you. You'll be more insightful, happier, and healthier for it.
So the concept of assimilation. This is the process of taking something in and making it a part of the entity, whether that is biological, social, spiritual, etc. Essentially, an assimilated thing ceases to be separate from the thing that assimilates it. We assimilate nutrients. Nations assimilate people. The US is known as the "melting pot", which refers to the quality of assimilating people from many backgrounds. We are not a nation based on genetic isolation or ancient tribal divides. Assimilation is a natural process that absolutely pervades every aspect of the function of the world. But I don't think many people understand it at all.
I was thinking of assimilation around the Christmas season for a couple reasons. First, because people get wound up about the various elements of the holiday. Regardless of what angle of that argument you might sit in, I think the concept of assimilation should help unwind that tension some.
No culture exists in a vacuum. Even the oldest cultures are influenced by those around them and evolve through time. The culture of a tribe 1000 years ago would not be the same now, even if that tribe were totally untouched by the outside, which none are. So there are going to be things that move from one to the other in both directions.
When Christianity first began to spread, it was spreading through existing cultures. Some of those celebrated Saturnalia, some celebrated Yule, and many other winter festivities. So when a few people began to see that this new faith had Truth, they didn't cease to live in the culture they were in. Others around them still celebrated the things they always did. Christianity, being a very assimilative type of faith, does not proscribe or prohibit much outright. The Apostle Paul (Saint Paul, depending on your tradition) who wrote most of the New Testament says all things are permissible, but not everything is beneficial. The individual has to determine what is good for themselves and their own. So many found what was good and true in the culture they occupied and kept those elements.
Where there were conflicts of conscience, people sometimes adapted the holiday to something that fit their new beliefs. Ok, so we aren't celebrating Thor any more, but as all powers and principalities are subject to the One God, then Father Christmas must also be subject to him...It's not a conscious happening, it's a slow and imperceptible shifting. Father Christmas, sounds much like the traditions of Saint Nicholas from southern Europe, so those gradually get merged as well.
Now if you are seriously conflicted by any pagan elements in your holiday, by all means, do what your conscience demands. Paul also says to bear with those who have weaker faith, so I for one won't be in your face about what gives you trouble, just like I won't drink alcohol around an alcoholic or a Baptist. But for your part, recognize the freedom of those of us who do not feel conflicted about it. We're not apostate because we let our kids enjoy a gift given in the name of a mythical character or a Saint. WE aren't worshipping a pagan God when we do it, despite the origin.
And if you're on the other side where you feel your holiday was stolen and perverted by us tyrannical Christians, please remember that you are still free to celebrate whatever you like. As I described above, most of the assimilation was a natural cultural process and not a decision to abolish or persecute your religion. I don't doubt that there were times where a state religion prohibited practices in an attempt to mandate what it felt was good. But that's not what's happening in the West right now. In fact, in today's world, you're more likely to live in a nation that mandates against Christianity, if it speaks to national religion at all. So it goes both ways. Individuals are not nations and nations are not individuals. Celebrate what you like in the way you like and allow others the same respect, even if you disagree. This is the definition of political and religious freedom.
Now on to the second topic of assimilation. Food. When you eat, your body assimilates the chemicals in that food: proteins, lipids, nutrients, synthetics, etc. Those things become a part of your body. Your body knows how to use a lot of those things. A good deal of them, your body can't use. Some of them actively break down the processes in your body as it tries to figure out what to do with them. But since assimilation is a great principle of life on Earth, a natural law, your body has an amazing capacity to take damage. It will assimilate and assimilate until it is overloaded. Even useful things can become a problem when there are too many of them.
Unfortunately, our bodies are so good at assimilating stuff we often don't take notice. The impacts, are virtually undetectable. But they are occurring. We only notice it once it's so far damaged that something actually breaks. It's the same process all over the natural world. I'm a water scientist and I see people seep junk into lakes and rivers for decades and then get utterly bewildered when the lake turns green and icky "all of a sudden". Truthfully, there are usually warning signs if you know what to look for, but people don't pay attention to them in their body or the world around them.
Even the government is not good at watching this. You see, most of the government employees want to do good, that's why we choose a lower paying career that comes with ample abuse from ignorant people. But a good deal of the job is about keeping the wheels turning. In the US especially, it's hard to just say, "whoa, change everything because this isn't working." So we operate by determining exactly how much we can mess something up before the impacts are too noticeable. I'm dead serious about this. It's how the laws are written and how the policies are structured. It's not a mindset of keeping things healthy, solvent, or sustainable. It's how much abuse can we take from all the pressures and not fall apart.
The same goes with individual health. Many people try to sneak just under the line where they crash rather than aim for the healthiest they can be. Fortunately for someone with a condition like me, my body reacts far more instantly to a bad element than most. So people say it's a problem with my body and those things don't affect them. But they DO affect you. They affect everyone. I'm like the canary in the coal mine. My reaction is the magnified and instant representation of what it's doing to you over the decades.
So why play with fire? If you, unlike me, have a good margin of safety, you won't fall out from a little bad stuff, but it's still bad! Imagine how healthy you could be if you didn't keep taking in that stuff that's pulling you apart at the cellular level.
Anyway, these have been my thoughts through this Christmas season as I've watched and listened to the world around me. As we start into a new year, I'd encourage you to take advantage of this marker in time to begin consciously assimilating these ideas about assimilation. Once you understand the concept, it explains so much of the world around you. You'll be more insightful, happier, and healthier for it.
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