Affirmative

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the nature of love and my reactions to certain things in my life.  Overall, things are not bad, and I feel I am now able to take a few steps toward living the life I am made to live.  But this life is increasingly uncertain in that there is not a clear path or plan.  It is an increasingly day by day, moment by moment existence where I am constantly evaluating my circumstances, looking and listening for God's direction.

I am totally happy to be in this place, but at the same time it offers unexpected challenges.  Namely, I find myself subject to many doubts.  Since I have no clear path immediately before me, I am open to self-criticism.  I have been learning how to deal with this, but one thing I feel a need to do is to affirm what I know to be true about myself.  A friend and mentor once told me that we must forever recount the goodness of God in our lives.  Keep the truth forever before our eyes lest we forget and despair in the moment.  So in that vein, I am writing this.  I hope that it will not seem pretentious or proud.  But considering that only one or two people will ever read this, I don't think that will be a big problem.  Here's what I know:

I am Cav.  I am a child of God.  A sinner saved by unmerited favor.  I did not choose Him, He chose me, chased me, rescued me from my own destruction.  As such I am bound to Him by love and duty.  I am His come flames of hell or glories of pleasure.  I can not be otherwise.

I was born under the vow of Hanna, like Samuel, given over to God before my very conception.  I had nothing to do with it.

I died.  I was given life and forfeit it, despising the gift, unworthy of it.  I gave it up and it was snatched up by my God.  I do not own it.  I am Aragh the wolf, living dead that I might not fear for my life and can exist with abandon.

I am a wild child made for and shaped by the natural world.  I understand it, feel at home in it.  It is a part of my being.  Untamable, infinitely adaptable, unity in diversity, diversity in unity, dangerous and gentle, life-giving and life-taking.

I am a Sheepdog, helping my Shepherd handle the sheep.  Loyal, commandable, responsive, intuitive, brave, self-sacrificing, unassuming, unseeking of glory.  I desire only to hear my master's praise and feel his hand upon my head.  I will not lose one with whom I am charged.  I will give my life for them and in the service of the Shepherd without a second thought.  They are as safe with me as they are with Him, though anyone who would harm them will feel my savage bite.

I am a seer, able to understand and interpret things as they are in Truth, as the Spirit gives me clarity.  This is not a magic power.  This is not a self-aggrandizing thing.  In fact, it is quite the opposite, it comes with a burden.  I will forever be outcast, misunderstood, misaligned with those around me.  Camel hair and locusts are my lot.  This is a fallen world, so seeing more means I cannot ignore pain, I feel the ache of God's heart for his lost children, their pain and sin hurts me and I long to gather them up under His sheltering wings.  Sadly, this is too often rejected as we strive to be well on our own.  Too unfamiliar to people.  This is my burden.  Yet, I will love openly, live openly, speak openly, poor myself out and take in the pain and rejection as Jesus himself was rejected.  I know that though I may suffer, others will see God's love because it does not return void.

I am all of this and more.  Imperfect, broken, punk to the world because I am of a different stuff, for a different world.  And I will accomplish all that He has for me, not in my own strength but because He is my portion and He will not be forsworn.  So help me God.

God did it

I've been saving this up until the entire deal was over and I could safely say so.  Now I believe it is true.  Here's the story.

We bought our house at the tail end of the housing peak.  We were smart enough to avoid the pitfall mortgages and to buy a house that we could afford.  We bought it under value, did lots of work to it, and in a year had it reappraised.  We had gained significant equity which we thought would preserve us during the inevitable crash that everyone with a brain saw coming.  But it didn't.  The values fell so far that we not only lost the equity but the house was valued at less than half what we paid for it.

Now things were still good in that we could afford it.  But the neighborhood, which was not the best in the first place began to slip and we could not sell or refinance.  We were locked into the payment for thirty years.  At the rate of recovery there was no way we could ever make back the money and certainly not within a time frame which we needed to move.

So we debated several things and investigated options and ultimately sat on it until the time seemed right.  Earlier this year, that time hit.  We decided we needed to get out.  Trouble at my son's school, new neighbor issues, the huge albatross of a home investment, family issues all pointed to one thing.  But we knew we had no options before.  but we also know that God is all powerful and works in the world today.  So I asked him to take care of this some way or other.

I called the bank to ask about options, knowing there weren't many for people who were smart enough to afford their homes...why would a bank help someone who could pay?  But they said there were programs for our case.  So I needed a realtor.  My wife knew one who turned out to specialize in short sales, so we signed up with her.  She gave us details about programs and processes and we were in for the haul, expecting this could take nearly a year and cost us money in the end.

But then the bank told us they had a program that was essentially a "no doc" short sale.  We say we need to sell and they work with us to do it.  No financial record search, no haggling, etc.  Our realtor had never had something like this before.  Even her other short sales with far more hardship were slow and painful.

We listed the house and had a buyer in less than a week.  The bank told us how much we needed to get and we had more than that.  It took a few months to work out all the paperwork, etc, but this month we closed the sale, had the balance of debt written off, and even came a way with a nice relocation incentive.  All told about 4 months.

We even found a nice house to rent in a good area with more square footage and for less than our mortgage payment.  I know no one who has had it this easy.  Our realtor doesn't either.  I know others in the process who are struggling through in the typical fashion or through other similar relief options.

I did nothing to make this happen.  I have no special knowledge of real estate, and I am not a holy man.  There is only one explanation for this entire process:  I asked God to do it and he did.  I don't know why he might not do it for other people.  I'm not going to start making theological premises out of it.  Suffice to say it is not by works of righteousness which I have done.  But the credit must go to my God who claims to know and control all things and who promises to give us good things, and he did.

For Fidelity

I want to make a case for fidelity.  Most people don't really use this word in common speech, so it might not even register with clear definition for many people.  Simply put, it is the state of being faithful.  It doesn't necessarily refer to marriage, though that kind of fidelity is probably what comes to mind if anything at all.  It can also mean close reproduction, as in video or sound...remember the old hifi's?  It just means being true to whatever you have committed to.  If you translate a book, it should be done faithfully.  If you deliver a message, if you offer assistance, if you give your word.  In all of these things we should have a high degree of fidelity.

Sadly, it seems this is grossly lacking in our society.  I know far too many people who shift and blow with trends and whims and emotions.  As I believe grace to be the central concept of Christianity, I don't condemn anyone for it.  I know we all have our issues and that God works with us wherever we are.

But I for one, take fidelity very seriously.  I value it.  I can't be happy when a husband or wife or mother or father leave.  I can't be happy when they find someone new.  I can't just shrug when someone leaves their faith.  I have to root for the white knight.  Give me the Princess Bride, not Dear John.  The Four Feathers, not the Watchmen.  I know life happens and we all have to muddle through.  I know good that has worked out after all kinds of bad faith cases.  Like I said, I'm not judging anyone or setting up some sort of system.  But I also can't pretend it doesn't bother me.

I want my words to be true; I don't use them loosely.  I want my commitments to be real; I don't make them lightly.  In this broken world, there are virtuous people who mean what they say and do what they commit to.  They still exist today.  But we don't value it.  We barely speak of it.  Fidelity is a virtue we need to reclaim.

As You're Told

I think I have come to a conclusion.  These things don't happen lightly for me.  It takes time and lots of consideration before I can really decide that something is strong enough to rest on.  I used to be much more impetuous about these things, but after seeing so many of my constructs torn apart, I sort of naturally fell into a pattern of reserving judgement.  So I'm talking several years of consideration on this one.

Even then, it could turn out to be false, so I defer always to the truth (dictionary) and the Truth (philosophical), as the case may be.  So ask me in 10 years and I may have walked away from this one.  But I am starting to think it's a sound idea.

This idea is that we each only have to do what God tells us to do.  I know that sounds stupidly simple.  But I mean each of us has only to do what God individually tells each of us personally to do.  Now I'll caveat that God speaks in different ways.  Always revealing in the way that we can best understand.  So, obviously we have to look circumspectly and evaluate and not be foolish about it.  But seriously, I'm not you, nor any one else.  As Jack said, we each only get our part of the story.  So why should we expect them to all match up?

Ok, I can hear the various religious archetypes screaming about it already, so I'll elaborate.

One might argue that we need to rely on the Bible.  We can't just strike out on our own whims!  Yes.  I agree totally.  So you and I can read the same verse and it will mean different things to us.  Who's right?  This argument is too often used to justify a proof-texted agenda.  And of course, everyone knows that your interpretation is actually plain and clear.  I'm talking about everyone else's.  In this case, I can only take what I am hearing from it.  You might get something else.  So my point is made in that you can assume your interpretation is for you and mine is for me.

Well that's just universalism!  No one's wrong, so no one's right!  No, it isn't.  I didn't say everyone would be right.  Just that we are where we are and that God will deal with us individually.  At times we might agree.  Sometimes people might all come together with a similar notion and accomplish some collective goodness.  At times we might not.  At times most of you might be on one page and one of you won't be.  So is that person supposed to defer what's on his heart because the majority, or the "authority" know better?  Or is this a Daniel, Elijah, John the Baptist moment where this one man is to stand against the majority and the powerful?  How could you tell?  If we are each free to act as God tells us, then this will never be a problem.

Well what if we are wrong?  Don't we need the covering?  If we're relying on God to guide us how deceived do you think we can get?  Is God so weak that he'll sit by while any liar corrupts His name and leads those who genuinely seek him astray?  You called on Him because he's able to do what you can't.  Well, time for him to make good, yeah?  Or is he so vindictive that he will point in a direction, leave us to get there on our own, and smite us if we get lost?  Not so!

The more I think about it, the only people who stand to lose from this mentality are the ones who build their lives around getting others to do what they want them to do.  I'm not slamming churches here.  If God told someone to go start a big church and to do it in a certain way, then I'm not going to stand in his way.  God will send the support and workers he needs to do it.  He won't need to coerce anyone.  Just make the need known, share the vision, and do what God's telling him to do.  But just because God told that guy to do what he is doing doesn't mean he's telling me to do it the same way.  And if I am not on the same page no good can come from forcing me.  I'll either do it for the wrong reasons or neglect what I'm being told to do.  This will only harm both causes since someone who doesn't get it can't possibly further your cause, and if I do get it, but am supposed to be doing something else, your cause has become a stumbling block for me.

Any way I look at it, I'm safe if I am responsible only for what God tells me in my heart to do.  He might say it through someone else.  He might split the sky with a debilitating vision.  He might whisper it in the depths of my soul.  He might make it known in a thousand ways.  But if I follow what I am being told to do, how can anyone ask me to do otherwise?  Our role should not be to guard and control people, but to teach them how to hear for themselves.  My problem with authority isn't that I don't want to follow it when I should, it's that you keep trying to be it when you aren't, bro.

Obstinate

Very often my own life illustrates Truth to me.  Often my relationship with my child tells me many things.  Just recently, as is her bent, she was getting an attitude when I tried to talk about something important for me, but which she doesn't care about or want to think about.  Now, I realize it was over her head somewhat, but not so far that she couldn't engage with me on some level.  But instead she chose to make it as difficult to proceed as possible.  To so ruin the moment that I didn't even want to talk any more.  So was I to force the issue and win the battle of wills?  Sometimes I do, but not in this case.  So I stopped talking.

That's when it hit me: that she was treating me very much like we treat God.  I wanted to share something that was from a deep part of me.  I wanted to reveal my heart to her and to know hers and to experience the real joy of close friendship.  But she was more interested in what I could do for her and nothing more.  Don't bother her with anything else or she'll do as poor a job and make it as miserable as possible until she gets her way or hates me for forcing things.  It's a fight that truly can't be won...not really.  I can enforce my will but I can't in the least make her love me...make her want to know me.

All the blessings of clean clothes, good food, shelter, protection, entertainment that I bestow upon her are lost.  They just are what she has always known.  They don't make her love me, though of course I would not stop them...sure check them from time to time, remove luxuries when necessary to coax behavior.  Of course, I will feed her, clothe her, comfort her, protect her always, even if she doesn't acknowledge it or deserve it.  But what I really want is the open and free relationship of enjoying each other's company.

I think God wants nothing different from us.

Padded chains

Today I was confronted with a scenario that makes me very angry.  Not angry at any one person, though it is tempting to assign blame to someone.  It's more an anger at the results of the situation which I'm sure no one wants.  People just can't often see how their words can be taken by others.


Someone was talking about people's lack of responsibility.  About how we often see things that need to be done and push them off on others, either intentionally or inadvertently.  This speaker fancies himself the one responsible for those he speaks to and because he has a burning desire to do certain things a certain way, feels others should follow suit...that it is all of our God-given responsibility to do things this way.  They aren't bad things in themselves, and his motives are to help people I think, but it's that sort of subtle poison that really gets me fired up because it is the most damaging.  Here's why:

I know for a fact that there was at least one single parent listening who is constantly struggling to get by.  This parent has her hands full working and taking care of the family and trying to make it look like she's half-way together.  Throw in some messy personal circumstances and you have an all too common mix for a difficult life.  This parent finds solace in good friends and in helping others.  How great is that, rather than alcohol or other destructive behaviors!  Yet it is still a means of dulling pain that cannot yet be addressed directly.  So here she sits listening to this same talk of doing more and how God expects us to use our very last breath to do everything we possibly can for him.  What!

No way, man!  I won't buy it.  This lady needs less burden not more.  The first speaker was lamenting how God's people don't get up and do...well that's because you're trying to motivate them with whips and chains, Bro!  You can't just wrap the irons in velvet pads and call it Christianity!  Jesus set the captives free, his yoke is easy and his burden is light.  We could debate the interpretations of this all night, and I don't want to engage in that.  But I can say this.  No one is responsible for me but me, and you for you.  None of us have to do anything more than what God tells us each to do.  And that's different for each of us because we come from different places and need different things.  Try genuinely meeting needs instead of whitewashing your walls, man!  That's what people need.

No where did Jesus ever tell anyone, to go and join a team in some big organization and make sure they devote every last bit of energy to do menial tasks so some guy can preach at some self-righteous yuppie who cares more for clean carpet than the state of the people whose sweat and tears got it dirty in the first place!  It's all still working for God's approval!  This is twisted and this is what people hate about Christians!

And to my single-mother out there, I pray you forget every word.  Take some time, spend it slowly.  Be Mary instead of Martha.  God has it under control and doesn't need your help.  This guy wasn't talking to you.

Breathe

The Fan Base just complimented this blog, making me realize I haven't written anything for a while.  In reading back over recent posts I see that it is strangely prophetic of things happening now.  This should not be strange.  We're just blind to the winds, tides, currents of time and circumstance.

God has indeed been working miracles in my life recently.  We prayed that he would work his will and glory and he is.  I don't want to say more now.

I've also been learning some new things about how to relate to God and others.  One that I will repeat from Wayne Jacobsen, whom I've mentioned before.  I had never really examined the Prodigal Son story.  Sure we all know the typical lesson from it about the kid who squanders his wealth and ends up crawling home only to be welcomed.  But we leave out two main points of the story.  One is the father who acts like no human father we've ever known.  Who gives an inheritance before he's dead?  Who allows his son to squander himself and his resources?  We'd call him a bad parent who didn't control his kid through other means.  And then he isn't the least bit angry when the son returns.  Not even a scolding or knowing look.  This is a picture of how God loves us, and I wonder if my notions of parenting aren't wrong in light of it?

Then there's the other son who doesn't run away.  He is angry about the prodigal and the reception of him.  He says he has slaved away for the father and got nothing for it.  I used to identify with this son.  I did the right things.  I followed the rules, and I was supposed to be so selfless as to not be miffed at the bad kid getting the party?  I thought it was a flaw in me.  But if we look at the response of the father a little differently it makes so much more sense.  This son wasn't doing right either.  The father says you are with me every day and can have these things any time.  But that son hadn't because he'd been so busy trying to be good...to run things for the father.  The Father is basically saying the son could have had that calf and the party any time.  He just hadn't.  It reminds me of that stupid pizza commercial from years ago where the scout master wants to pay for the free pizza in the buy-one-get-one.  He and the clerk go at it that he'll keep getting extra free pizzas that way because a free one comes with every payment.  Just shut up and take the free pizza!  You can't work it off.  God doesn't need our help.

I now believe this story represents God and his relation to those who are far from him and those who are closer.  Both miss the point.  One takes the good things he's been given and squanders them to his own destruction and fears to return because of the judgement he deserves.  The other works to earn his keep even though the entire wealth has been at his disposal the whole time.  But the father wants only to love and give to his children.

So then, how do we reconcile the Old Testament Vengeful God image?  I don't know.  I don't think it can be systematized.  Wayne suggests that it might be a case of mistaken motives.  Rather than reading everything as obey or else, perhaps it is saying, in me, you'll be able to...  In other words, it's more like in me, you will honor your father and mother, you will not be jealous, etc.  and wrath is a way of purifying sin from within us.  It's not a new idea.  The view of sin as disease needing cure has been around a long time.  It fits so well when you start applying it.  Even Jack's idea of hell being locked from the inside is built along these lines.  I don't want to get into the theology of it.  That is to miss the point.

The point is this:  God does all the work.  We can't change ourselves, save ourselves, or do anything to get rid of that which destroys us.  But God loves us and wants us to love him freely.  The rules are for two purposes: 1. show us what is destroying us by defining how we fail, and 2. warn us of how certain things will destroy us.  The true power of Christianity, which is as otherworldly and crazy sounding now as it was 2000 years ago is that we don't have to do anything.  Just open myself to the reality, the mere possibility even, and breathe.  Let that love become real to me.  Then I'll begin to love him back.  And that's what he wants.  Not obedience, not sacrifice, the love of his children.  He delights in us and in raising us.  I want to live like this.