Attack?

I have heard of parasitic personalities. I'm sure they exist. I've known some. But lately, I've really felt like I'm being attacked, which is different. Just seems like things keep seeping into my brain and life from strange places. Is it attack? Is it intentional from a person, or am I stepping into new unlit territory? That of course would increase pressure from negative spiritual forces to stop the incursion. Am I walking on my own and need to retreat, or do I need to press forward until it abates?

I feel like Ransom's friend approaching Ransom's house in Perelandra. Will the edilla terrorism attacks stop if I continue, or not. Am I Israel under Joshua's prime, or close to his death? In his prime, the nation was unstoppable. Near his death they were unable to defeat their enemies. Later on, God said it was a test to see if they would hold firm or look for ways out. So is that my situation?

It is here that I am reminded why I left those marshy places where moving is slow and muddy, standing still is to sink further, and all around is fetid and stinking decay of once vibrant organic ideas mushed and shapeless now as it mixes into a synthesized goo that resembles bits and pieces of the original, but has become something else altogether.

While rigid adherence to orthodoxy has its perils, it is also the lifeline through these marshes. The solid ground that allows a foothold. Venture off that narrow path at your own peril.

Tumult

It's been a weird few weeks. I've had highs and lows and blahs all mixed up rolling one after the other and back again. I'll be glad when it settles down.

I'm not even sure where to start, but feel like writing might help process it. So this will be one of those entries. The kind that get a title right before I post it.

I had started a few days ago to write about somethings, so I'll start with that. I had blogged about a particular person I know here. I saw her again a few times recently when from a distance or out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a fabulously attractive woman that looked a bit familiar. She was so attractive that I took a second look, but upon doing so, I found it was her...plain and simple in her normal subdued type of beauty. I don't know why this happens with her, but I'm glad I get to see it.

Then I have been wrestling with other issues surrounding another friend and some ideas of his. It's too much to recount here and I'm not even sure yet what to say about it because I haven't settled it entirely in my own head.

Then there is church, which I had severed with in a nicely amicable way a few months ago. immediately following I had a surge of freedom and several amazing experiences that could not have been of my own making...the most important of which resulted in receiving a God-daughter. This is no small event for me because first of all, I did not set out to do anything of the kind. My heart was quite truthfully imprinted with this child. It feels quite awkward and even a bit embarrassing really, to say that. But I know it was God's doing. Too many clear signs accompanied it to be anything else. But then in order to help cement that new relationship with her family and with her, I went back to my role as a children's minister. The very day I returned she told me she had gotten special permission to advance to another class. I can't fault her. She's quite mature for her age...but there went my plan. Which is probably the real problem anyway. I've got to quit planning.

So now I'm stuck in there and committed to a term. Everyone there wants me to stay on, my wife wants my to quit, and I haven't given indication about it yet because I don't know. On the one hand is the surity I had after finally stepping away from the institution. On the other is the enjoyment of working with the kids and the special joys from a certain few.

Just this Sunday, a child I hadn't seen in a while was back and she (it's always girls) latched onto me...literally. I had to keep peeling her off to do other things, but finally had a moment to sit with her. I was surrounded by kids as usual, but she slunk into my lap and settled in as comfortable as a puppy...you know how they can so completely drop their weight onto you...that's what she did. I looked at her face and saw that she was thoroughly soaking something in. She said she wasn't tired. She apparently just needed the contact.

So what do I do with that? Is it a matter of sacrifice that I stay, or that I go? I don't know! With my God-daughter, the relationship has continued to grow through other things and then out of the blue one morning her mother just opened up and flooded out more personal information than I have ever heard from her. I was a bit shocked, but very happy because she seemed to be comfortable with us. I don't know where that will go, but I am constantly afraid of coming off like a freak (too late, I know) or of doing the wrong thing.

I recently moved my Parkour training from the conditioning phase to actual practice. It's been really good for me. It's such a meditative thing for me. But as soon as I started, I've been off my training for a while because of a minor injury, which turns out to be nothing. But I think I need that to help clear my head and focus.

There's more, but I don't feel like writing it. Maybe this is just a silent period.

Not to be fixed

I was reading a brief article on Zenhabits... something called Barefoot Philosophy, which was really a cutesy way of interpreting a pretty standard positive-outlook philosophy of happiness. It wasn't all that bad, as far as it goes. It used walking barefoot as a metaphor for moving through life. But one connection it mentioned sparked a line of thought in me that quickly formed into the beginnings of a revelation that had been brewing in other places.

The article mentioned that the author hates anything you buy as a solution to a life problem. Life doesn't need to be fixed, he was saying. He used the example of greenwashing vs. barefooting. Our consumer-driven culture has begun to bite on the Go Green movement because there are needless possibilities to sell products that are 'green'. Before that hit, considering the environmental impact of daily activities was largely ignored by corporate America, and consequently by the masses. After all if it isn't in a commercial or pop-TV show, it isn't reality for many people. The author didn't go into that detail, but he did contrast the greenwashing phenomenon with barefooting, which, if it were to catch on, would not only preclude a merchandising tie-in (though I have seen some weird barefoot jewelry and such), but would actually hit shoe company profits. Which is why it would take major cultural shifts before any such movement would ever catch on. Case in point: throughout this recession we've been told that to be good little citizens we must go out and spend money to drive up corporate profits, which will fix everything, but which really just makes us even more indebted to the paradigm that got us where we are.

Anyway, economics gripes aside, it hit me in reading those few lines that we do often approach the world's problems as things to be fixed...things that need a solution, when in fact the action may be the problem.

I work in the environmental world, and I had never been able to quite formulate this. Now I have it. I see the preformed echoes of it in many of the programs and initiatives I've developed. It's a getting out of the way. Nature works very well. We screw it up by our actions that disregard this integrity and then think we have to keep working on it to make it right. We got here just fine. Obviously we didn't plan ourselves into existence.

So I can verbalize it clearly now. It isn't a matter of doing anything to fix the environment and all the associated socio-economic woes degradation brings. It's a matter of stopping to screw it up. No type of shoe will fit this foot. Some may be less obtrusive than others, but ultimately only the bare foot will be able to avoid the problems...in other words, living with a sensitivity to the integrity (used in the literal sense) of nature and our own lives.

So don't think about what you can do to save the planet. Think about what you can stop doing that hurts you, your world, your neighbors. The deeper you delve into that, the more connections you'll find.

It may start with simple things like buying less, driving less, etc. But that goes on into how much you spend on various things, what styles you find attractive, what activities you enjoy. When you simplify your life and focus on what brings the most quality of life to you and others, you'll quickly find that this makes many social/political/environmental problems moot. It spirals up. By decluttering, you make more time for what you enjoy, which benefits your health, which makes you more available for those who need you. Which forestalls many relational ills. In addition, owning less means you need less money, which takes pressure off at work, which benefits your health, which means you need even less money. It also means you use less resources, which makes things spread further and drives costs down and quality up because you insist on it. This also means you have a smaller ecological footprint. It doesn't take lots of coal-fired power, synthetic chemicals, and lots and lots of hinter-land to support your "fat" lifestyle. And as you start to make these choices you find that you are happiest and healthiest in a peaceful, walkable, relational community. It just grows like a tree, tying in and branching and self-repeating on every level. It's fractal geometry...the structure of the world.

Our problems are of our own making. Stop making them!

Christmas lost

I have bouts with humbuggery. It's not that I dislike Christmas. In fact it's precisely the opposite. I like it so much, feel its sacredness so much, that the rampant commercialism and overwrought "Christmasy" stuff is a mockery and cause for sadness to me. Even amongst family, the greater portion of whom have at least some faith, the secularized traditions and popular religious-esque traditions they doggedly associate with Christmas are so hollow, cheesy, or inappropriate to the day I can barely stand it.

It's not that they have a bad heart. They just buy into the supermarket commercial image of the holiday with all it's kitsch and forced nostalgia that is really just a clever marketing ploy. Some actually enjoy the whole gift exchange aspect...but I'm pretty sure I've blogged on that before.

The point is, some years I have been able to keep Christmas in my own heart by avoiding as much of that as possible. By finding time to slow down and step aside, stay out of the shopping places, and let the real import of the season affect me. But this year because of some changes in circumstance, I have been unable to do it. Many times this year, I've been thrust into that Christmas madness unwittingly. It has left me grumpy and short-tempered. Everything I do not want to be around Christmas.

You know what this tells me? When I am ill-tempered because I can't find the goodness in something, or otherwise off-kilter, it usually means I've done something wrong. Like Eve eating the apple and finding that the result she got wasn't what she had expected. It tells me that I have been duped. That I have allowed myself to be pulled off balance. Frustration at being had, makes me angry, and I don't even recognize why right away. Upon realizing it, I can almost hear the demons' cruel laughter.

So what to do? It may be too late for this year. I just have to be extra careful not to take the frustration at my mistakes out on those who aren't aware of the problem. In other words, I shouldn't ruin the holiday for those who are blind to the evils inherent in their practices. They aren't able to see it even if I point it out. I've tried in the past. The result is that I just look sour and angry.

I can also take steps to arrest it from spinning off any further. Today I refused to buy any more Christmas presents. It's done. I'm done. I have also been praying and asking for God to restore my peace. I've been trying to saturate myself with things that typically help me so as to regain my balance.

And then, there's the biggest decision. I don't do it lightly, which is why I haven't fully made up my mind. Perhaps it is the reason I was brought into this state, though...to bring me to the decision point. I am debating excusing myself from the entire rat race next year. I mean not accepting or buying a single present. No name exchange or dollar limit that no one pays attention to but me. No Christianity Today version of 'recapture the holiday and kiss Mother Culture's feet through mental gymnastics and homemade gifts'. If I get a present, I will return it or sell it and donate the money.

This is a big decision. Family will not understand it. It will create some hard feelings because it will act as a mirror for others' materialism. I'll be accused of playing the martyr, acting holier than thou. It will hurt some family members who are so bound in their materialism that they genuinely feel they are expressing love by foisting it on others. Not to mention someone will give me a great gift that I will not want to give up. It's not that I hate presents. I even believe it is a virtue to graciously receive. It's the obligation, the rat race around it that I hate and I see no other way to step out of it. I've tried, but people won't hear me. They force me to play their game.

Now of course I would buy or make a present for my son. I wouldn't force this decision upon him. But I would not hide my decision. Already we have given up the Christmas feast as a family in favor of an empty-bowls dinner...soup, bread, apple, water. To remind us of the humble nature of our King and identify with those for whom that meal would be a feast. Maybe it's time to take the next step and get out of this consumerist hell. I think it could be done delicately enough.

Unattached

Two nights ago around midnight as it was getting very cold (for this part of Florida), and I was about to go to bed, I asked God to tell me what he wanted of me in that moment. I listened quietly for some time and heard nothing. So I went to bed. As I was getting into bed and already feeling the drag of sleep , I thanked him for the warmth and safety I was enjoying and prayed that he would help the homeless that would be enduring such a cold night.

That was when he woke me up...literally quickened me and said, "Go give them blankets." He showed me an image of exactly where to go...a homeless camp near here. I thought it was just my own thoughts at first, but then remembered that I had promised not to ignore his voice. So I asked him if that was what he wanted me to do. He said yes. I said, "right now?" He said yes. I said, "really?" He said yes. This debate went on for a minute or two as I weighed it out and doubted and rationalized. I thought, "I'll make a point to deliver some blankets to a shelter in the morning." That's when my heart started racing. I literally felt it speed up slowly until I was wide awake and it was clear that he meant that instant and I would not sleep unless I forcibly quenched his prompting.

So I got up, got dressed, pulled some blankets out of the closet, wrote a note for my sleeping wife in case she woke up and found me gone, and left for the spot I had seen. As I was leaving, I was excited by the hope that I was about to see God move in a miraculous way. I might walk up on a huddled man or two and offer them these blankets. I might find someone sleeping and shivering and who knew what else might happen!

When I got there it was dark and silent and I didn't see anyone near the exhaust from ice machines or moving off in the woods at the edge of the camp. No lights, no fires, no sounds. I steeled myself and walked over to the edge of the camp which is across a field at the tree line. No one was there. Not knowing what to do, I left to look for some other spots. Perhaps they were all off getting warm somewhere.

I drove to a couple of other nearby camps and found no one. So I passed by the church that feeds and aids them. No activity. So I drove by the 24hour Big Box thinking they must be there to take advantage of the warmth. But I didn't see anyone outside and couldn't carry blankets in and dump them on someone. So I drove back to the spot God had showed me and sat for a minute asking, "now what?" All was silent. So I finally walked over to the camp and left the blankets on the couch. Then went home to sleep.

The next morning proceeded like any other. I didn't see any activity in the frosty camp as I drove by (content to drive instead of bike on that cold day.) Today I drove by and saw someone walking out of the camp. So I know it isn't deserted. I wish I could say he had my blanket with him. Maybe he did, but I couldn't see it. And that's all there is to tell.

As anticlimactic as it may seem, I was reminded of some recent advice I read about living free. It said that we should live unattached to the outcome of what God tells us to do. This way, we obey and leave results up to him. In this perfect release, we are most free to live in his provision moment by moment. Approaching each happening in expectation of what God has for us and in contentment that we do not have to organize, arrange, and plan.

De Facto

I have been sitting in a conference for three days. It always gives me lots of time to think as my mind wanders through the uninteresting portions. Truthfully, I don't find that I get much out of long days listening to people talk. In this age of internet and electronic communication, I find it an antiquated and inefficient system of communicating used mostly to give people an opportunity for free travel. I love webinars, etc. because I can take them at my own pace and even accomplish other things while not having to be trapped in a big room full of people with varying and questionable levels of humor, health, and hygiene.

But I digress. While sitting there listening to various topics, many of which covered a particularly political aspect of my work, namely new controversial regulations, it hit me that the feelings I was having were not unlike watching TV news. I felt alarmed, a bit angry, disillusioned, like I wanted to react and fight a fight, yet powerless to do so. That's when I realized that I was being sucked into the all too common fallacies of hasty generalization, appeals to fear, popularity, and authority. Being confronted with a crush of information about a certain topic from a limited viewpoint by seemingly authoritative figures, assented by the surrounding majority, and which is perceived to be a bad thing, I jump on the bandwagon when in fact, it may not happen, the info may not be accurate, it may not be so bad, and it may not affect me anyway.

Once I realized this, I felt a weight lift. That helped me to think more clearly and even recognize some very presumptive aspects of the argument. I expressed these to a nearby colleague and was not outright dismissed, but got the feeling he wasn't in total agreement. I'm not surprised. He may come around after thinking it through, but most others won't be able to let go of their preconceived ideas enough to see from outside the issue. But that too is a deeper level of the fallacious thinking. Fighting to make them understand even their own fallacies is still a distraction from my purpose.

This has implications for many parts of my life. Fear is a great weapon and together with lies forms the double-edged sword which negative forces use against us. Perhaps their only weapon. That is why we are so encouraged to have faith and not to fear. Possibly more than any other encouragement in the Bible. So how is false fear about a work problem a spiritual issue? It distracts me from what is important. While I have my role to play at work, above that is that same role from the perspective of the Regnum Caelorum, and beyond that even is my work as a servant of my God. This fear appeals to the first two levels and draws me away from what is truly my work.

If I ever want to live free like my regenerated substance allows, I must ever be at my God's disposal. And I mean that in the fullest sense: not just available for his work, but fully dependent on him in real ways...Like all unfallen beings, animals most familiarly, we are called to depend fully on him in our fullest state. Neither sowing nor reaping nor planning, but fully dependent on him. I'm not ready for this, I can assure you. I'm not even sure it's possible in this world. But this is the ideal. This was the state in Eden and will be the state when our new being is fully manifest.

As it goes now, I must focus on what is in front of me at the moment and leave the decisions to him. He will make them known. Truthfully, he even spoke to me despite the throes of fallacious mind I was engaged in. I was so bored at one point that I flicked over to the e-reader on my handheld and ran across Practice of the Presence just where Brother Lawrence was describing this aspect of work. It wasn't just then that this was all revealed, but it primed the lock and a day later all the tumblers had clicked into place.

It's hard to swallow, I know. It goes against my early spiritual training. It flies in the face of our cultural voice. But it is true. Of course I should do my best at everything, as if unto the Lord. But that's just it. I mustn't be distracted into activity which I am not asked to accomplish and which I probably can't change anyway. We all want to be the hero. All the posters tell us that we are the what-if waiting to change the world. But most real heroes attest to being simply there at the moment. NOT having planned it. Having done their deeds in spite of themselves. If I am to be the hero, I will be. But it will be God's spirit acting in me when it occurs and not my wit, perseverance, and ingenuity. These are merely tools that must be powered and operated by the maker, not operating on their own.

Even now, my insides are screaming that this must be qualified. Someone might get the wrong idea, I might delude myself. But I will not change it. It stands against that voice as something I know to be true.

What matters in each moment is what is concretely in front of me to accomplish. Be that smile, lighten a mood, lick a stamp, listen to a personal problem, craft a policy, or make a perspective known...in that moment, in that place. As I step away into what-ifs and what-to-dos I step increasingly further from that purpose.

Does that open the door for gaps in efficiency, function, policy? Yes. But this is where faith comes in. I must believe that God will fill those gaps in his way...and in my experience this is usually at the last minute for many reasons which I won't go into here. But I know that he won't if I keep jumping in like the micromanager.

Arguing

I have recently come across a few situations, references really, from atheists mostly, about Christianity. There was a day when I would have felt a need to fight. To apologize, in the old sense. I had trained in it. I reveled in debate of any kind. To match wits and see who can hold their own.

But lately, I have no interest. The last thing I want to do is try to defend God. i think he's quite capable of doing it himself. And if he hasn't felt the need to submit to these half-baked questions then I don't feel a need to either. Half-baked, yes. Most of them are positioned in ignorance. People get a perception of something and lock in to that. This fuels all their arguments. Though they fail to see there are countless other perspectives, traditions, interpretations on it.

This even takes place within the Christian world as various denominations and even various viewpoints within denominations strive with each other. Get over it. Get over yourselves. You people think you're so smart in your clever attacks and comebacks. I was you once. And I was an ass too.

Before you take a shot at something, I suggest you do your homework. There are countless volumes, speeches, blogs, treatises from across 2000 years world wide, and I'll bet you haven't digested them all, so there's a good possibility that others may know things you haven't thought of yet. You look like a fool to anyone who has experienced more than you.

When someone truly wants to talk; when they actually care what someone else might have to say instead of simply lining up a bunch of monologues; when they actually consider other points and weigh them logically, I'm willing to spend no end of time discussing things. Otherwise, you're wasting your time and mine.