Two nights ago around midnight as it was getting very cold (for this part of Florida), and I was about to go to bed, I asked God to tell me what he wanted of me in that moment. I listened quietly for some time and heard nothing. So I went to bed. As I was getting into bed and already feeling the drag of sleep , I thanked him for the warmth and safety I was enjoying and prayed that he would help the homeless that would be enduring such a cold night.
That was when he woke me up...literally quickened me and said, "Go give them blankets." He showed me an image of exactly where to go...a homeless camp near here. I thought it was just my own thoughts at first, but then remembered that I had promised not to ignore his voice. So I asked him if that was what he wanted me to do. He said yes. I said, "right now?" He said yes. I said, "really?" He said yes. This debate went on for a minute or two as I weighed it out and doubted and rationalized. I thought, "I'll make a point to deliver some blankets to a shelter in the morning." That's when my heart started racing. I literally felt it speed up slowly until I was wide awake and it was clear that he meant that instant and I would not sleep unless I forcibly quenched his prompting.
So I got up, got dressed, pulled some blankets out of the closet, wrote a note for my sleeping wife in case she woke up and found me gone, and left for the spot I had seen. As I was leaving, I was excited by the hope that I was about to see God move in a miraculous way. I might walk up on a huddled man or two and offer them these blankets. I might find someone sleeping and shivering and who knew what else might happen!
When I got there it was dark and silent and I didn't see anyone near the exhaust from ice machines or moving off in the woods at the edge of the camp. No lights, no fires, no sounds. I steeled myself and walked over to the edge of the camp which is across a field at the tree line. No one was there. Not knowing what to do, I left to look for some other spots. Perhaps they were all off getting warm somewhere.
I drove to a couple of other nearby camps and found no one. So I passed by the church that feeds and aids them. No activity. So I drove by the 24hour Big Box thinking they must be there to take advantage of the warmth. But I didn't see anyone outside and couldn't carry blankets in and dump them on someone. So I drove back to the spot God had showed me and sat for a minute asking, "now what?" All was silent. So I finally walked over to the camp and left the blankets on the couch. Then went home to sleep.
The next morning proceeded like any other. I didn't see any activity in the frosty camp as I drove by (content to drive instead of bike on that cold day.) Today I drove by and saw someone walking out of the camp. So I know it isn't deserted. I wish I could say he had my blanket with him. Maybe he did, but I couldn't see it. And that's all there is to tell.
As anticlimactic as it may seem, I was reminded of some recent advice I read about living free. It said that we should live unattached to the outcome of what God tells us to do. This way, we obey and leave results up to him. In this perfect release, we are most free to live in his provision moment by moment. Approaching each happening in expectation of what God has for us and in contentment that we do not have to organize, arrange, and plan.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
De Facto
I have been sitting in a conference for three days. It always gives me lots of time to think as my mind wanders through the uninteresting portions. Truthfully, I don't find that I get much out of long days listening to people talk. In this age of internet and electronic communication, I find it an antiquated and inefficient system of communicating used mostly to give people an opportunity for free travel. I love webinars, etc. because I can take them at my own pace and even accomplish other things while not having to be trapped in a big room full of people with varying and questionable levels of humor, health, and hygiene.
But I digress. While sitting there listening to various topics, many of which covered a particularly political aspect of my work, namely new controversial regulations, it hit me that the feelings I was having were not unlike watching TV news. I felt alarmed, a bit angry, disillusioned, like I wanted to react and fight a fight, yet powerless to do so. That's when I realized that I was being sucked into the all too common fallacies of hasty generalization, appeals to fear, popularity, and authority. Being confronted with a crush of information about a certain topic from a limited viewpoint by seemingly authoritative figures, assented by the surrounding majority, and which is perceived to be a bad thing, I jump on the bandwagon when in fact, it may not happen, the info may not be accurate, it may not be so bad, and it may not affect me anyway.
Once I realized this, I felt a weight lift. That helped me to think more clearly and even recognize some very presumptive aspects of the argument. I expressed these to a nearby colleague and was not outright dismissed, but got the feeling he wasn't in total agreement. I'm not surprised. He may come around after thinking it through, but most others won't be able to let go of their preconceived ideas enough to see from outside the issue. But that too is a deeper level of the fallacious thinking. Fighting to make them understand even their own fallacies is still a distraction from my purpose.
This has implications for many parts of my life. Fear is a great weapon and together with lies forms the double-edged sword which negative forces use against us. Perhaps their only weapon. That is why we are so encouraged to have faith and not to fear. Possibly more than any other encouragement in the Bible. So how is false fear about a work problem a spiritual issue? It distracts me from what is important. While I have my role to play at work, above that is that same role from the perspective of the Regnum Caelorum, and beyond that even is my work as a servant of my God. This fear appeals to the first two levels and draws me away from what is truly my work.
If I ever want to live free like my regenerated substance allows, I must ever be at my God's disposal. And I mean that in the fullest sense: not just available for his work, but fully dependent on him in real ways...Like all unfallen beings, animals most familiarly, we are called to depend fully on him in our fullest state. Neither sowing nor reaping nor planning, but fully dependent on him. I'm not ready for this, I can assure you. I'm not even sure it's possible in this world. But this is the ideal. This was the state in Eden and will be the state when our new being is fully manifest.
As it goes now, I must focus on what is in front of me at the moment and leave the decisions to him. He will make them known. Truthfully, he even spoke to me despite the throes of fallacious mind I was engaged in. I was so bored at one point that I flicked over to the e-reader on my handheld and ran across Practice of the Presence just where Brother Lawrence was describing this aspect of work. It wasn't just then that this was all revealed, but it primed the lock and a day later all the tumblers had clicked into place.
It's hard to swallow, I know. It goes against my early spiritual training. It flies in the face of our cultural voice. But it is true. Of course I should do my best at everything, as if unto the Lord. But that's just it. I mustn't be distracted into activity which I am not asked to accomplish and which I probably can't change anyway. We all want to be the hero. All the posters tell us that we are the what-if waiting to change the world. But most real heroes attest to being simply there at the moment. NOT having planned it. Having done their deeds in spite of themselves. If I am to be the hero, I will be. But it will be God's spirit acting in me when it occurs and not my wit, perseverance, and ingenuity. These are merely tools that must be powered and operated by the maker, not operating on their own.
Even now, my insides are screaming that this must be qualified. Someone might get the wrong idea, I might delude myself. But I will not change it. It stands against that voice as something I know to be true.
What matters in each moment is what is concretely in front of me to accomplish. Be that smile, lighten a mood, lick a stamp, listen to a personal problem, craft a policy, or make a perspective known...in that moment, in that place. As I step away into what-ifs and what-to-dos I step increasingly further from that purpose.
Does that open the door for gaps in efficiency, function, policy? Yes. But this is where faith comes in. I must believe that God will fill those gaps in his way...and in my experience this is usually at the last minute for many reasons which I won't go into here. But I know that he won't if I keep jumping in like the micromanager.
But I digress. While sitting there listening to various topics, many of which covered a particularly political aspect of my work, namely new controversial regulations, it hit me that the feelings I was having were not unlike watching TV news. I felt alarmed, a bit angry, disillusioned, like I wanted to react and fight a fight, yet powerless to do so. That's when I realized that I was being sucked into the all too common fallacies of hasty generalization, appeals to fear, popularity, and authority. Being confronted with a crush of information about a certain topic from a limited viewpoint by seemingly authoritative figures, assented by the surrounding majority, and which is perceived to be a bad thing, I jump on the bandwagon when in fact, it may not happen, the info may not be accurate, it may not be so bad, and it may not affect me anyway.
Once I realized this, I felt a weight lift. That helped me to think more clearly and even recognize some very presumptive aspects of the argument. I expressed these to a nearby colleague and was not outright dismissed, but got the feeling he wasn't in total agreement. I'm not surprised. He may come around after thinking it through, but most others won't be able to let go of their preconceived ideas enough to see from outside the issue. But that too is a deeper level of the fallacious thinking. Fighting to make them understand even their own fallacies is still a distraction from my purpose.
This has implications for many parts of my life. Fear is a great weapon and together with lies forms the double-edged sword which negative forces use against us. Perhaps their only weapon. That is why we are so encouraged to have faith and not to fear. Possibly more than any other encouragement in the Bible. So how is false fear about a work problem a spiritual issue? It distracts me from what is important. While I have my role to play at work, above that is that same role from the perspective of the Regnum Caelorum, and beyond that even is my work as a servant of my God. This fear appeals to the first two levels and draws me away from what is truly my work.
If I ever want to live free like my regenerated substance allows, I must ever be at my God's disposal. And I mean that in the fullest sense: not just available for his work, but fully dependent on him in real ways...Like all unfallen beings, animals most familiarly, we are called to depend fully on him in our fullest state. Neither sowing nor reaping nor planning, but fully dependent on him. I'm not ready for this, I can assure you. I'm not even sure it's possible in this world. But this is the ideal. This was the state in Eden and will be the state when our new being is fully manifest.
As it goes now, I must focus on what is in front of me at the moment and leave the decisions to him. He will make them known. Truthfully, he even spoke to me despite the throes of fallacious mind I was engaged in. I was so bored at one point that I flicked over to the e-reader on my handheld and ran across Practice of the Presence just where Brother Lawrence was describing this aspect of work. It wasn't just then that this was all revealed, but it primed the lock and a day later all the tumblers had clicked into place.
It's hard to swallow, I know. It goes against my early spiritual training. It flies in the face of our cultural voice. But it is true. Of course I should do my best at everything, as if unto the Lord. But that's just it. I mustn't be distracted into activity which I am not asked to accomplish and which I probably can't change anyway. We all want to be the hero. All the posters tell us that we are the what-if waiting to change the world. But most real heroes attest to being simply there at the moment. NOT having planned it. Having done their deeds in spite of themselves. If I am to be the hero, I will be. But it will be God's spirit acting in me when it occurs and not my wit, perseverance, and ingenuity. These are merely tools that must be powered and operated by the maker, not operating on their own.
Even now, my insides are screaming that this must be qualified. Someone might get the wrong idea, I might delude myself. But I will not change it. It stands against that voice as something I know to be true.
What matters in each moment is what is concretely in front of me to accomplish. Be that smile, lighten a mood, lick a stamp, listen to a personal problem, craft a policy, or make a perspective known...in that moment, in that place. As I step away into what-ifs and what-to-dos I step increasingly further from that purpose.
Does that open the door for gaps in efficiency, function, policy? Yes. But this is where faith comes in. I must believe that God will fill those gaps in his way...and in my experience this is usually at the last minute for many reasons which I won't go into here. But I know that he won't if I keep jumping in like the micromanager.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Arguing
I have recently come across a few situations, references really, from atheists mostly, about Christianity. There was a day when I would have felt a need to fight. To apologize, in the old sense. I had trained in it. I reveled in debate of any kind. To match wits and see who can hold their own.
But lately, I have no interest. The last thing I want to do is try to defend God. i think he's quite capable of doing it himself. And if he hasn't felt the need to submit to these half-baked questions then I don't feel a need to either. Half-baked, yes. Most of them are positioned in ignorance. People get a perception of something and lock in to that. This fuels all their arguments. Though they fail to see there are countless other perspectives, traditions, interpretations on it.
This even takes place within the Christian world as various denominations and even various viewpoints within denominations strive with each other. Get over it. Get over yourselves. You people think you're so smart in your clever attacks and comebacks. I was you once. And I was an ass too.
Before you take a shot at something, I suggest you do your homework. There are countless volumes, speeches, blogs, treatises from across 2000 years world wide, and I'll bet you haven't digested them all, so there's a good possibility that others may know things you haven't thought of yet. You look like a fool to anyone who has experienced more than you.
When someone truly wants to talk; when they actually care what someone else might have to say instead of simply lining up a bunch of monologues; when they actually consider other points and weigh them logically, I'm willing to spend no end of time discussing things. Otherwise, you're wasting your time and mine.
But lately, I have no interest. The last thing I want to do is try to defend God. i think he's quite capable of doing it himself. And if he hasn't felt the need to submit to these half-baked questions then I don't feel a need to either. Half-baked, yes. Most of them are positioned in ignorance. People get a perception of something and lock in to that. This fuels all their arguments. Though they fail to see there are countless other perspectives, traditions, interpretations on it.
This even takes place within the Christian world as various denominations and even various viewpoints within denominations strive with each other. Get over it. Get over yourselves. You people think you're so smart in your clever attacks and comebacks. I was you once. And I was an ass too.
Before you take a shot at something, I suggest you do your homework. There are countless volumes, speeches, blogs, treatises from across 2000 years world wide, and I'll bet you haven't digested them all, so there's a good possibility that others may know things you haven't thought of yet. You look like a fool to anyone who has experienced more than you.
When someone truly wants to talk; when they actually care what someone else might have to say instead of simply lining up a bunch of monologues; when they actually consider other points and weigh them logically, I'm willing to spend no end of time discussing things. Otherwise, you're wasting your time and mine.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
New
All things new. I've heard this countless times, but today it was brought to my mind in a new light. I have often understood the regeneration thing in terms of a one-time incident. That's actually the sense of the words in 2 Corinthians 5:17. I just checked. So I'm not saying that's wrong. Just that the verse, and the one in Revelation 21:5, was spoken to me today with a new meaning. And when the Lord of Spirits speaks it, I've learned to listen as it is intended in the moment.
I was thinking about letting go of the masks we wear and about living as if the past was dead, when I realized that I often think of that regeneration as a point that happened once and everything after that point is now held to my account. So while I know we are forgiven past and future and all that, the fact is, I feel responsible for my failures after that point of regeneration. This is a heavy burden for someone who has been in the Blood for years...and by some theologies years even before that. That's a lot of time to screw things up. A lot of time to be faced with one's own inadequacy...all the more clearly visible because of the new clarity of mind that comes with the Spirit. But in the split second that these thoughts crossed my mind He spoke to me that all things are made new repeatedly. That same joy and release one feels at first understanding that one is set free from the guilt of their offenses is mine each and every moment.
It's as if I am walking forward and shedding weight and armor with every step and with every step there is more and more to keep shedding for miles and miles and years and years, a trail of shed material falling away and ever more beneath it, all the while by slightest degrees the glory of the new creation becoming more and more manifest through it.
I was thinking about letting go of the masks we wear and about living as if the past was dead, when I realized that I often think of that regeneration as a point that happened once and everything after that point is now held to my account. So while I know we are forgiven past and future and all that, the fact is, I feel responsible for my failures after that point of regeneration. This is a heavy burden for someone who has been in the Blood for years...and by some theologies years even before that. That's a lot of time to screw things up. A lot of time to be faced with one's own inadequacy...all the more clearly visible because of the new clarity of mind that comes with the Spirit. But in the split second that these thoughts crossed my mind He spoke to me that all things are made new repeatedly. That same joy and release one feels at first understanding that one is set free from the guilt of their offenses is mine each and every moment.
It's as if I am walking forward and shedding weight and armor with every step and with every step there is more and more to keep shedding for miles and miles and years and years, a trail of shed material falling away and ever more beneath it, all the while by slightest degrees the glory of the new creation becoming more and more manifest through it.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Failed
Not a month after I wrote about my great experience where I stepped out in faith and I promised to continue, I have failed it. Like Peter, I rode from the high right off the cliff and back into the mud.
As usual, no details. This about my experience, not the gossip. I encountered a friend yesterday who seemed upset. I went to talk to her and she broke down crying. I stayed and comforted her trying to learn if there was anything I could do without prying into the source of pain which is not my business. It became clear after a little while that she just needed time to let it out and being there was enough. but I had pressing engagements and was running late from the outset. Failing all options I could think of to help the situation and being satisfied that it would be ok, even being reassured by this person that she was ok, I opted to leave thinking there was nothing else I could do.
But as soon as I set off I felt this sinking wrongness like I should not have left. I justified that I had to go and other people were waiting on me. But the flat sadness settled on me and I almost wanted to turn back. I even talked about it to my wife, justifying my action outloud to her that I had done everything I could. That I always tried to and that it was beyond my control to do more. I even thought it must be a lesson for me to let God handle things and stay out of the way.
But the feeling that I had missed it never left. All day and all night it tugged at me. I even tried to call and make sure she was ok later, but could reach no one. Oddly, my phone even kept cutting out when I did get through so that I couldn't talk, though it worked fine to anyone else.
Then this morning at work I was listening to some new music I had just gotten...a particularly meditative song about failing and forgiveness while I was reading some super dry documents. Slowly, I settled into that place of contemplation and I understood. I HAD missed it. I should have stayed. I have no idea how it would have gone...If I'd have missed my entire plans or not. Maybe it would have turned into another glorious expression of God's love in real life. But I'll never know now. I was reminded of my promise and of every other time I've squelched that small fire telling me to do something. I teared up right there at my desk as I confessed and repented yet again.
Thank God he doesn't depend on me to help other people. Like Jonah, I'm constantly running the other way in my own understanding and I never seem to get it. But I have confidence that I will also be belched up on the scorching sands and end up right where he wants me in spite of myself. I'd just be very happy to stay out of the whalebelly for a little while. Even still I know that it is in the belly that the old is digested away. In the fire of this belly that the refining takes place and though I hate it and hate myself when I fail, I can quickly rejoice in it. Not a happy rejoicing like I used to misunderstand. It's a sad somber powerful rejoicing that God's power is manifest in my ineptitude.
I know it makes no sense. We seem a twisted masochistic bunch, we Christians, to those who haven't yet been burned through. To most people it is no wonder we've been mistaken for everything from cannibals to orgiasts.
God help me to listen, beat me over the head with your words, and help me learn fast. Break me, mold me, use me.
As usual, no details. This about my experience, not the gossip. I encountered a friend yesterday who seemed upset. I went to talk to her and she broke down crying. I stayed and comforted her trying to learn if there was anything I could do without prying into the source of pain which is not my business. It became clear after a little while that she just needed time to let it out and being there was enough. but I had pressing engagements and was running late from the outset. Failing all options I could think of to help the situation and being satisfied that it would be ok, even being reassured by this person that she was ok, I opted to leave thinking there was nothing else I could do.
But as soon as I set off I felt this sinking wrongness like I should not have left. I justified that I had to go and other people were waiting on me. But the flat sadness settled on me and I almost wanted to turn back. I even talked about it to my wife, justifying my action outloud to her that I had done everything I could. That I always tried to and that it was beyond my control to do more. I even thought it must be a lesson for me to let God handle things and stay out of the way.
But the feeling that I had missed it never left. All day and all night it tugged at me. I even tried to call and make sure she was ok later, but could reach no one. Oddly, my phone even kept cutting out when I did get through so that I couldn't talk, though it worked fine to anyone else.
Then this morning at work I was listening to some new music I had just gotten...a particularly meditative song about failing and forgiveness while I was reading some super dry documents. Slowly, I settled into that place of contemplation and I understood. I HAD missed it. I should have stayed. I have no idea how it would have gone...If I'd have missed my entire plans or not. Maybe it would have turned into another glorious expression of God's love in real life. But I'll never know now. I was reminded of my promise and of every other time I've squelched that small fire telling me to do something. I teared up right there at my desk as I confessed and repented yet again.
Thank God he doesn't depend on me to help other people. Like Jonah, I'm constantly running the other way in my own understanding and I never seem to get it. But I have confidence that I will also be belched up on the scorching sands and end up right where he wants me in spite of myself. I'd just be very happy to stay out of the whalebelly for a little while. Even still I know that it is in the belly that the old is digested away. In the fire of this belly that the refining takes place and though I hate it and hate myself when I fail, I can quickly rejoice in it. Not a happy rejoicing like I used to misunderstand. It's a sad somber powerful rejoicing that God's power is manifest in my ineptitude.
I know it makes no sense. We seem a twisted masochistic bunch, we Christians, to those who haven't yet been burned through. To most people it is no wonder we've been mistaken for everything from cannibals to orgiasts.
God help me to listen, beat me over the head with your words, and help me learn fast. Break me, mold me, use me.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Working
This absolutely drives me crazy: "if we only all lived like God wants the world would be fixed." and the corollary, "if I really want to follow Christ I have to pull myself up by the straps and get out there and fix the world!" This is crap. I'm sorry. It is. It is unbiblical. It is unChristlike.
I'm not saying we shouldn't do good works. What I'm saying is that it isn't the works that do anything. That's like saying the bread makes the wheat. The good works that are associated with Christianity come from a reworking of one's mind. They are done because they couldn't be otherwise. It isn't up to us to just get off the couch and go do them. If our hearts were right, we'd be off the couch and we'd be doing them. No amount of motivational speaking or guilt, or string pulling will change someone's heart. Sure you can manipulate people into doing things. People can even manipulate themselves into doing them. But that kind of good work happens in Buddhist culture, in Muslim culture, in Hindu, even in pagan, stone-age, and secular cultures. It has nothing to do with Christianity. Let's keep that straight.
Secondly, Jesus said he didn't come to bring peace but a sword. To turn families against each other. To turn things upside down. He didn't come to fix the world. To think this is to think exactly as the Jews thought their Messiah would do...as many Jews still think their Messiah will do. Just listen to Matisyahu. Admirable, yes, worth thinking about, yes, but this isn't what Jesus taught. Plus if all it took was for us to get our act together, don't you think we'd have made more progress in the 2000 years Christianity has been around?
So what did Jesus teach? He taught that the Kingdom of God was within us. That it was at hand. He taught turning from our old ways. He taught spiritual life. The kingdom of God is spiritual. It's about revolutionizing the soul.
I firmly believe in a physical resurrection. I am confident that when true reality is revealed we'll see just how solid and tangible it is. Just how literal many of the statements in the Bible actually are. But I don't believe for a second that we can move one inch closer to a utopia in this world. I believe this world is burning to hell. Passing away. Spinning into entropy. It isn't going to get better. It isn't going to get much worse either. It's dead. It is what it is. It is only by renewing of the mind and regenerating of the soul that we have any hope. And this is not something we do. Sorry. It isn't.
I know because I am the jerk. I am the calloused insensitive Stranger from Camus' cautionary tale. I was the Trenchcoat Mafia before it had a name. Tell me to work for justice, and I am Rorshach waiting to happen. I have seen the depths of human indifference and didn't care. I have hated every living breathing thing with venom. I have dreamed of fire and destruction and blood and woke smiling. But people don't believe this about me. Guess what. It isn't me your seeing. What you see is the change Christ has made. I didn't do it. You won't either. So don't give me that "if we only" crap. I give you, "Hoshana!" God save!
I'm not saying we shouldn't do good works. What I'm saying is that it isn't the works that do anything. That's like saying the bread makes the wheat. The good works that are associated with Christianity come from a reworking of one's mind. They are done because they couldn't be otherwise. It isn't up to us to just get off the couch and go do them. If our hearts were right, we'd be off the couch and we'd be doing them. No amount of motivational speaking or guilt, or string pulling will change someone's heart. Sure you can manipulate people into doing things. People can even manipulate themselves into doing them. But that kind of good work happens in Buddhist culture, in Muslim culture, in Hindu, even in pagan, stone-age, and secular cultures. It has nothing to do with Christianity. Let's keep that straight.
Secondly, Jesus said he didn't come to bring peace but a sword. To turn families against each other. To turn things upside down. He didn't come to fix the world. To think this is to think exactly as the Jews thought their Messiah would do...as many Jews still think their Messiah will do. Just listen to Matisyahu. Admirable, yes, worth thinking about, yes, but this isn't what Jesus taught. Plus if all it took was for us to get our act together, don't you think we'd have made more progress in the 2000 years Christianity has been around?
So what did Jesus teach? He taught that the Kingdom of God was within us. That it was at hand. He taught turning from our old ways. He taught spiritual life. The kingdom of God is spiritual. It's about revolutionizing the soul.
I firmly believe in a physical resurrection. I am confident that when true reality is revealed we'll see just how solid and tangible it is. Just how literal many of the statements in the Bible actually are. But I don't believe for a second that we can move one inch closer to a utopia in this world. I believe this world is burning to hell. Passing away. Spinning into entropy. It isn't going to get better. It isn't going to get much worse either. It's dead. It is what it is. It is only by renewing of the mind and regenerating of the soul that we have any hope. And this is not something we do. Sorry. It isn't.
I know because I am the jerk. I am the calloused insensitive Stranger from Camus' cautionary tale. I was the Trenchcoat Mafia before it had a name. Tell me to work for justice, and I am Rorshach waiting to happen. I have seen the depths of human indifference and didn't care. I have hated every living breathing thing with venom. I have dreamed of fire and destruction and blood and woke smiling. But people don't believe this about me. Guess what. It isn't me your seeing. What you see is the change Christ has made. I didn't do it. You won't either. So don't give me that "if we only" crap. I give you, "Hoshana!" God save!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Several Thoughts
Lately, I've had several thoughts that I haven't been able to distill into a blog. So I thought I'd stream them out and see if something shows up. Maybe it will end up a jumble of independent ideas.
The first was about stubbornness. I was struck that this may be at the root of much of our ills. It started when I was thinking and praying about a person I know and my offer to help them. But they'd probably never let me know even though they are obviously distressed quite a bit. This is very common among people. We don't want to be a burden, we feel we should be able to handle it. We are afraid, lazy, make excuses, doubt their genuineness, etc. I'm the same. So as I was contemplating what to do about it, if anything, it hit me that it was really perhaps just plain stubbornness. We want things to go differently, someone offers to help, and we insist that it must go differently in a different way. What else is this but stubbornness. I am very obstinate myself sometimes, so I wondered how many good things I've missed, how many pains I've endured unnecessarily simply because I didn't or wouldn't take the help that was offered. Of course the other side of this is that we can be too moochy, but I'm not talking about that extreme.
Next, I was struck at a different time recently with the image of emptying a cup to fill it. I don't even remember where the image came from, but I've seen it used in various places. We want things in our life. Things we can't get for ourselves for whatever reason. These are things we pray for if that is our bent. Even if we deny God, we often want him to do things nonetheless...but that's a different discussion. Suffice to say that many of us pray and pray for things and they never happen. But I have experienced many times that as soon as I give something of myself, there is provision waiting right then and there in perhaps another area altogether that I have been seeking. So, the image of the cup. The Bible says that it will be filled to the brim. If this is true, there would be no room for more. It would only be in pouring some out that more could be added. I am reminded of a great illustration once that I saw in which two men stood on a stage with a bag of seed and poured it into a cup. The speaker was frantically running around trying to find people to take the seed so he could keep catching more. The faster he ran the more kept coming from the huge sack. But when he stopped running, the flow slowed and stopped. It was an exponential reaction to what appeared an arithmetic problem. And it stuck in my brain.
I've also recently encountered, at every turn it seems, the concept of giving up oneself or life. Not bits and pieces, but entirely. This is a two part thing, the way it happens and the message itself. I've noticed this a lot in my life. And whether it is that my mind is just set to cue in on a certain message, or that the message actually occurs before me in greater frequency, the effect is the same and the difference is moot. Both would be equally supernatural. I've learned to listen closer when this happens and try to understand. It doesn't take much, the message is usually beat over my head. People complain that God doesn't speak clearly...but he does. Impeccably clearly. They just don't understand his language. They also don't understand his economy and ecology. The God of the universe set it to work in a certain way. From that consistency we can learn much about him. One of the things I've learned is that he is supremely efficient. There is no waste. Each person living out their own personal story, designed entirely to bring them to the place of truth and understanding. There is no randomness. There is no luck, no chance. Therefore, it makes perfect sense that God would use this method to speak to us. It fits his nature to orchestrate in beautifully complex yet paradoxically simple ways. If we have ears to hear it.
So back to the message itself, this time it has been about letting go. About giving up life, dreams, safety, security, everything, for the truth we seek. We don't do this. I don't do this. This message is for me. Certainly it is for others as well, but that is their story not mine, so I won't speak to it now. I mentioned before that I was told this was the year of my death, and this message fits a bit too neatly. It has been bombarding me. Obviously I'm not ready for what is coming yet, but I can feel it approaching. The crazy thing is I'm looking so forward to it, whatever it is! It resonates deep down inside me. Like this thing I knew all along I was built for is coming...call it destiny. I just can't wait until that is manifest in whatever way that will be, I know it will be the fulfillment of everything I've hoped for.
Which leads to me last thought. How can I think this? How can I be excited about something so utterly unknown and potentially dangerous? Have I no self-preservation? Do I have a death-wish? Believe me, the little lawyer in my head attacks every nook and chink in this constantly. But what steadies me is that I know I am not alone. There are so many people throughout history and still today who think like this. Some can't articulate it. Others express it differently. This is what it means to be a Christian. To follow Christ. It is a strange mystical thing that happens. I know there is all kinds of crap and festoonings around what we call Christianity. But down in it, those of us who know, know. It's illogical, it's not even sane by the usual definitions. But there is some deep, primal, soul-pulling, dancing, screaming, crying, laughing thing that goes crazy inside at the very inkling, the very hope of moving closer to the object of this devotion and nothing, nothing, nothing can swerve it, compare to it, or stand in the way of it. It's beyond life as we know it. It's supra-life, supra-natural. This is Christianity. If you know it as something else, keep looking cause you haven't found it yet.
The first was about stubbornness. I was struck that this may be at the root of much of our ills. It started when I was thinking and praying about a person I know and my offer to help them. But they'd probably never let me know even though they are obviously distressed quite a bit. This is very common among people. We don't want to be a burden, we feel we should be able to handle it. We are afraid, lazy, make excuses, doubt their genuineness, etc. I'm the same. So as I was contemplating what to do about it, if anything, it hit me that it was really perhaps just plain stubbornness. We want things to go differently, someone offers to help, and we insist that it must go differently in a different way. What else is this but stubbornness. I am very obstinate myself sometimes, so I wondered how many good things I've missed, how many pains I've endured unnecessarily simply because I didn't or wouldn't take the help that was offered. Of course the other side of this is that we can be too moochy, but I'm not talking about that extreme.
Next, I was struck at a different time recently with the image of emptying a cup to fill it. I don't even remember where the image came from, but I've seen it used in various places. We want things in our life. Things we can't get for ourselves for whatever reason. These are things we pray for if that is our bent. Even if we deny God, we often want him to do things nonetheless...but that's a different discussion. Suffice to say that many of us pray and pray for things and they never happen. But I have experienced many times that as soon as I give something of myself, there is provision waiting right then and there in perhaps another area altogether that I have been seeking. So, the image of the cup. The Bible says that it will be filled to the brim. If this is true, there would be no room for more. It would only be in pouring some out that more could be added. I am reminded of a great illustration once that I saw in which two men stood on a stage with a bag of seed and poured it into a cup. The speaker was frantically running around trying to find people to take the seed so he could keep catching more. The faster he ran the more kept coming from the huge sack. But when he stopped running, the flow slowed and stopped. It was an exponential reaction to what appeared an arithmetic problem. And it stuck in my brain.
I've also recently encountered, at every turn it seems, the concept of giving up oneself or life. Not bits and pieces, but entirely. This is a two part thing, the way it happens and the message itself. I've noticed this a lot in my life. And whether it is that my mind is just set to cue in on a certain message, or that the message actually occurs before me in greater frequency, the effect is the same and the difference is moot. Both would be equally supernatural. I've learned to listen closer when this happens and try to understand. It doesn't take much, the message is usually beat over my head. People complain that God doesn't speak clearly...but he does. Impeccably clearly. They just don't understand his language. They also don't understand his economy and ecology. The God of the universe set it to work in a certain way. From that consistency we can learn much about him. One of the things I've learned is that he is supremely efficient. There is no waste. Each person living out their own personal story, designed entirely to bring them to the place of truth and understanding. There is no randomness. There is no luck, no chance. Therefore, it makes perfect sense that God would use this method to speak to us. It fits his nature to orchestrate in beautifully complex yet paradoxically simple ways. If we have ears to hear it.
So back to the message itself, this time it has been about letting go. About giving up life, dreams, safety, security, everything, for the truth we seek. We don't do this. I don't do this. This message is for me. Certainly it is for others as well, but that is their story not mine, so I won't speak to it now. I mentioned before that I was told this was the year of my death, and this message fits a bit too neatly. It has been bombarding me. Obviously I'm not ready for what is coming yet, but I can feel it approaching. The crazy thing is I'm looking so forward to it, whatever it is! It resonates deep down inside me. Like this thing I knew all along I was built for is coming...call it destiny. I just can't wait until that is manifest in whatever way that will be, I know it will be the fulfillment of everything I've hoped for.
Which leads to me last thought. How can I think this? How can I be excited about something so utterly unknown and potentially dangerous? Have I no self-preservation? Do I have a death-wish? Believe me, the little lawyer in my head attacks every nook and chink in this constantly. But what steadies me is that I know I am not alone. There are so many people throughout history and still today who think like this. Some can't articulate it. Others express it differently. This is what it means to be a Christian. To follow Christ. It is a strange mystical thing that happens. I know there is all kinds of crap and festoonings around what we call Christianity. But down in it, those of us who know, know. It's illogical, it's not even sane by the usual definitions. But there is some deep, primal, soul-pulling, dancing, screaming, crying, laughing thing that goes crazy inside at the very inkling, the very hope of moving closer to the object of this devotion and nothing, nothing, nothing can swerve it, compare to it, or stand in the way of it. It's beyond life as we know it. It's supra-life, supra-natural. This is Christianity. If you know it as something else, keep looking cause you haven't found it yet.
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