Sheepdog

I knew someone who once said, if Jesus is the 'Good Shepherd', we should be sheepdogs. This is an excellent metaphor if you think it through.

In order of existence, no human could be equal with God, so an 'animal is to human as human is to God' analogy works well to describe humans. Not to mention that anthropomorphism has always been used to cast a spotlight on aspects of human nature.

Dogs are familiar animals. They are well adapted...actually bred by humans to be companions and assistants to humans. Our two biological paths are intertwined nearly as far back as we can trace. If there is any one animal that would best represent our existence in relation to God's on our own level, I think it would be a dog. They understand us, though not completely. They trust, but think for themselves. They are dependent on us, but capable of surviving alone if conditions are right...though even then, mostly still adjunct to humanity. Few stray dogs actually go wild like, say, a cat might. They are moldable into various behaviors and modes of being...that is, trainable.

Beyond this, dogs exhibit some of the best qualities in humans. Loyalty, affection, devotion, service, selflessness, altruism, etc.

So to extend into the realm of sheepdogs, they go where the shepherd commands. They hear his voice and they know their job. They encircle the sheep and keep them safe. They are extensions of the shepherd, but he is the head. They serve with joy and abandon, because the tasks they perform are what they were bred for. It is instinctual, though it must be refined by training.

They respond only to the Shepherd and will not deviate from his commands, though they are free and unleashed to adapt to their work as they see fit. They also thrive on the praise and affection of the Shepherd and seek no other reward.

This is what I want to be. This is largely how I feel. Deep down, I honestly don't care for status and accomplishments, career, etc. I just want to do what brings me and others joy and have enough to be sufficient. I want to be free to lay at my master's feet and feel his touch. and when he speaks to me, I want ot respond instantly.

I find this metaphor especially strong in the service I do with children. I find it sheer joy to play with them, to let them be children with me. I would sooner die than have any harm fall to any one of them. But I know the bounds they must have and I am not shy about enforcing those disciplinary boundaries for the sheeps' own good. Better a nip or bark from me than a greater harm that they can't see. I will not allow a sheep to mislead the others and I am fiercely protective of them against any wolves. I know my master's voice and his commands to me and I will obey them until I am called off by him alone.

I hope to be a good sheepdog.

Church

This is a difficult topic for me right now. I just read a book that was ironically recommended by a pastor friend. The book comes from a movement of reformers that are a little over 20 years old. They believe that the modern popular expression of church is flawed at the root and should therefore be done away with in favor of something strictly Biblically based. It goes by different names depending on the flavor of the group. I've heard the arguments before for most of it, but some of this book's arguments are really resonating with me and I'm not sure how that will play out.

I've had a problem with the dry knowledge-based church style. It is dead and changes very little of very few people. I've been involved in charismatic-tilted church and seen the personality cults, the blind devotion to 'signs & wonders' and even those who move across the country repeatedly, chasing the latest 'move'. I've been in the growth-based seeker-church and seen the blatant marketing principles applied and worked on people as if God were a Ad Exec. I'm sorry, when textbook marketing gets butts in your seats, you can't call that God.

I've even been involved in home churches that were cloisters of ungrounded, disenfranchized people who just thought they could do it as well as anyone else...who needs the regular stuff, we'll make our OWN church. And the converse where they think all who meet in buildings are apostate servants of the antichrist.

I've also been involved in radical dregs of the earth ministry church that goes in deep and helps people who couldn't even begin to set foot in traditional churches. And there I've seen the hurt create cliquishness and let's just face it, damaged people do damage. When your whole church is made up of people with serious issues, those issues will play out.

Not that all of these things were all bad. I've seen people's lives changed. I've seen transformations and real moves of God. But I tend to think these things are in spite of and not because of the church structure. Afterall, we're all flawed people. Can we really expect our organizations to not be flawed? This is the conclusion I'd come to and lived under for years.

But then, somewhere deep inside me, I've never been able to shake this small voice, almost too hard to hear, calling out for something more. Longing for a group to share my life with...not a life group or some other forced approximation, but a real connection. A community to live into and to raise my child in. A group like Bunyan's troop making their way along the road in the footsteps of Christian. A group where strong faith carries weaker, where helpfulness arises, where there is a palpable realness of spiritual unity. How do I know this exists?

It's in the New Testament. It's in Bunyan's work. I've even experienced it myself...no really, I have. Not for long, but there was a time and a group, several of whom I am still deeply connected to. For a time, we were a real community. Flawed, yes. But there was a real unity that is beyond human ability. It wasn't just a Sunday thing, or a semester study group. These people were brothers and sisters and we shared everything! Not like some hippie commune, but our lives were a part of each other entirely. Our worship, our problems, our challenges, sicknesses, jobs, marriages, social circles, were all intertwined in this group. It was Holy.

But then it ended. Perhaps we tried too hard. Perhaps we tried to do too much. Perhaps we fell victim to the insidious attacks of an enemy that would do anything to bring down that kind of unity. Honestly, I don't care what happened. I don't want that group back. It ended for good reason. But I do want that reality back. THAT I can't let go of. I wanted to spend my life in that.

Every church before or sense has been ok for a time, and then turns miserable. Something just eats it up. The common denominator here is me. So I have tried to change myself and as hard as it has been, as unnatural as it has been, I have been making progress. But then on the heels of a visible, palpable "issue" at my church, there comes this book. And as critically as I have taken it, as much as I have checked references and confirmed his Greek and sniped his logical fallacies, there is a piercing dart of truth in it that echoes across all of what has been good in church in my life.

I feel like Lucy who has just seen Aslan go left when Peter (human authority) and the group (the majority) go right, saying she is a silly little girl. If I don't run after Him, will it be on my head? I know what I saw! I know what I want! Is this the path to it?

My heart beats at my ribs screaming, "YES, YES, YES, for the love of God THIS is it!" But I distrust me heart. It is easily enticed away by sirens who echo what it wants to hear. I have to go down this path, but I will go slowly. God forgive me for it. I want to abandon myself to the current that I know is true, but must test, must know it is the right stream first.

Please God, pull my foot from under me and I will go headlong n spite of myself!

Impermanence

This is a concept I have never quite grasped. I get the idea on the surface. We die, things decay. We are not permanent. But what is? Love? No, we like to say that in romantic ways, but it isn't true. The truth is, I don't have anything in my experience that is permanent, none of us do. Therefore, I can't understand it really. But I can take clues from my experiences and infer what permanence must be like.

Still, even this inference has always alluded me...the images of perishable and imperishable, of type and archetype, or ideals, of illusions, they all fell flat in some way. But recently, I was rereading something my teacher, Jack, wrote and it fell into place.

Every bit of our existence is composed of atoms, of motion and energy and space. These things do not sit static. They are constantly turning over. We borrow them for a while and then they are released again. This matter is part of the whole of the universe. To bring it to a more human, observable level, my cells are constantly dividing, constantly being replaced. The building blocks for that replacement are received through food, which comes at the expense of some other creature's life. I injest its matter to make more of my own, which is then lost through skin replacement, blood cell recycling, waste, and replenished again through food and sun and complex relations with microscopic organisms and larger organisms. All of what is physically me at this moment will not be me in several years, it will be something else. And what will be me then is something else now. I am not solid. I am a constant flux of matter and energy over the duration of my existence. All things are.

Upon realizing this, it was like Neo seeing the matrix code actively transpiring through the world around him. He had seen through the illusion of it. I am not a constant thing. I have never been and will never be in this life. Nor is anything around me. All things are flux and change, even those that seem permanent, are merely constant reconstructions of the same structure moving through time. As Jack says, I am the curve of a waterfall. It seems solid, shaped, but is actually made up of a constant torrent of water droplets replacing the ones that just passed at such a speed that it seems to hold a shape and a place.

This is impermanence.

To follow the metaphor, something more solid, more permanent, can actually reach into a waterfall and pass through it...this is a new thought...so if Jesus gives us a glimpse into that permanent humanity after His resurrection: He passes through space and time. He appears in a locked room. Therefore His body must be more permanent than space and time. A less permanent object can't pass through a more permanent one. A vapor or thin paper is dispelled by the waterfall, only something more solid can pass through it! Wow!

Community

This is such an overplayed word. It is actually quite cheesy by now. But I am not using it in the common sense. As with most words, I am using it in the older, truer sense.

I'm also speaking primarily to other Christians in this post, so if you are not a Christian, please do not think this is directed at you. I say that because only those who have claimed this faith are bound to it in any way. No one should expect someone who does not hold the same worldview to abide by it. Of course many non-Christians do a far better job of just what I am talking about, which is also why this is not directed at them.

I want more. I need more. What we call church, what we call the community of believers, is most often a sham and a shadow of what it is supposed to be. People in churches are swayed by politics, by personality, by money. Not that they are all evil, because they aren't. Many just don't realize or have never experienced what real unified fellowship is like. If you haven't, I would put money on the fact that you won't find it easily. Some say it is in home churches only, but this is not true. I've been a part of horrid home churches, some that were plain kooky, and some that were just as empty as the conventional churches. I've also been in conventional churches that were rolling with unity, so it has nothing to do with organization, structure, or locale.

It has to do with the people. With God ultimately. The Spirit, Kurios Pneuma, the Spirit Lord, Sarayu, is the one that enables it and He alone. But as with most things we can choose to allow it or shut it out. Please try this for me:

Take a piece of paper, anything will do. Crumple it up really well, just ball it up. Now take a thin sturdy sharp object, like a knife or a nail, whatever, and drive it right through the ball of paper. be careful, you don't want to lose a chunk of flesh. Now pull the spike out and look at the paper. Do you see the hole going straight through it? This is God's reality. His work. The paper is our universe. God has punched through our existence with His solid reality and it makes sense. A single solid line right through our perceptions.

But now uncrumple the paper. What do you see? Do you see the random assortment of holes? Some bigger, some smaller, at various angles, like there is no order. This is how we perceive our universe. What is actually a single solid precision dart appears to be a random assortment of happenings across time and space. We see it in this manner because of our perception of space. (See an earlier entry on space for more about that.)

So what's the point? Simply that God does not fit into our universe, our plans, or our structures. He is real and solid and definite and His purposes which are, of necessity, a unified action, a perfect harmony cut across and through our lives, abridging structures and institutions. Think this through, it's a fantastic visualization. In this case, we try to mold God's actions, His will, into our structures. When in fact, it is nothing of the sort. The Kingdom of Heaven is spiritual, we must be born again of spirit, and worship in spirit and truth. Throw out what structures do not work or are not profitable. Or better yet, simply ingore them and let them fail.

If God desired us to change the world through our institutions, don't you think the world would be a lot different after 2000 years of effort? Are we just that impotent? Or is God? Our opposition is defeated, it can't be his power that prohibits it! So don't feed me the next fad of, "if only we would..." I'm not buying. You care more for your pews, accounts, fancy shows with put on excitement, butts in seats...sell the stupid seats and let's sit on the floor so we can buy a well for the Malawi village! Forget your live music and hollow exhortations and hug that child desperate for attention! The man next to you needs a car! Will the church get him one? Will paying your Sunday morning multi-media extravaganza's exorbitant electric bill get him one? Oh, but I forget, the temporal doesn't matter, it's about saving souls. Bah!!

God does not desire us to "get with the program", to remake our institutions into more perfect alignment. He doesn't desire worldly revolution. He doesn't desire reform. He desires us to abandon our institutions and follow Him! Let them all go! They do not matter. They are impermanent. Think that through. Say it to yourself until the cleche falls off and the truth rings out of it, however faint. Live that way for God's sake!

Chill

I work in a bureaucracy. Everyone knows how tedious they can be, but let me tell you, if you've never been on the inside of one, you don't know the half of it. As the economic downturn filters out to my area, things are only getting worse. I could complain about the inane policies, the nonsensical decisions, the institutionalized biases, but that would merely be griping and not productive.

Suffice to say, I have found these things wrapped around me in a web that is difficult to disentangle. Coupled with other political issues...and I'm not referring to governmental politics, I mean the personal-level struggle for power that is a factor in every relationship we have...and I've got a recipe for sour attitude.

I don't like that atitude, who does? But more than that, it is actually a killer attitude. Some people are more resistant to that kind of stress, but I am not. I can feel it weaken me in very real ways.

So, I'm turning my attention to ways to disengage from the problem. I know some people think that is a bad way to deal with problems, but I don't mean sweep them under the rug and withdraw. I mean to take myself out of the equation, so I am not emotionally influenced by the stressors.

There are many ways to do this. Eliminating clutter is a big one. A clean, clear space helps settle the mind. This can be challenging in our accumulative culture, especially if one lives with packrats and droppers...or worst of all packrat droppers. You know, those people who not only keep everything, but drop it wherever they happen to be at the time. Wow, that just grates on already strained nerves! So a clearing is good, a clearing of desk, of office, of home, of yard, and through the process, the mind.

Second is to engage in some relieving activity. Something that absorbs the mind and body, that thrusts out the petty concerns for those weightier matters. I'm partial to things in the water, since water is a powerful element for me. Unfortunately, in Florida where you'd expect everything to be about water, there is surprisingly little of it that we can actually get into. Most of the water is swampy and unsafe for swimming, and what is good is increasingly blocked off or crowded out. This is perhaps one of the most privatized and fenced-off states in the nation...but that's another topic. Along with activity would be service as well because nothing gets one out of one's own head like doing good for others.

Third would be to cleanse the soul. Meditation, healthy eating, this may be time for a purifying fast to awaken those dulled spiritual senses and gain clarity. Don't forget about breathing. we rarely really breathe. Most of us go about our lives barely sucking in enough air to keep our bodies functioning.

I think I may take up Parkour. I've been fascinated by it from the beginning. It seems to suit me very well: It is physical and graceful, there are no competitions or shows (i.e. commercialism), it is very meditative, it is individual, free, lifelong, and takes very little equipment. It was actually developed as a way to bring the lithe fitness of primitive people to those of us who live in the more destructive worlds! Now may be the time to do it!

Funerals

I hate funerals. Actually it isn't funerals I hate, it's all the stuff that goes on at them. The concept of saying goodbye, laying to rest, praying for the soul...all of that I not only understand, but think is valuable. But then there's the false niceties, the put-on somberness, the forced sense of decorum. But lest I sound callous, let me explain.

Everyone grieves differently: some people sob openly, some get quiet, some get angry, some get silly, some even dodge the issue altogether. The problem is that when people are uncomfortable and emotions are high, as they are at funerals, they tend to take things too seriously or too personally. Considering that I don't tend to view things like most people, I don't tend to act like most people. I'm not saying I'm better...just different. As a good friend recently pointed out, I've been weird all my life, and always will be. I now recognize it as a gift from God. But it comes with the price of being often misunderstood. Nevertheless, at a funeral, eventually someone will think that I'm not acting properly, be that not grieving as they feel I should or committing some offense against the observer directly, and of course they will feel this must be dealt with. Or if I happen to be among one of those 'not out in the open' families, they will go about whispering or glaring or some other passive-aggressivity.

So no matter how hard I try, funerals rarely go well for me. If I grieve as fits me, people get offended. If I try to avoid that, I spend the whole time awkward and uncomfortable...which also draws attention. I just want to be left to process things in my own way!

I think the root of the issue is in my understanding of things. See, I actually believe that a soul lives on after death. So, as Bunyan said it, for people of faith, death is simply crossing the river they've lived beside for many years. It means the end of suffering, the end of temproal concerns. For many, this is a relief. I also believe that souls are outside of our space-time dynamic, so I don't have to be present for them to know my concerns or benefit from my prayers. They are far more aware of what I'm doing and thinking than any of us in this world.

So, it's hard for me to feel the same things that many people do at funerals. I recognize that those close to the deceased may be in pain, and I would never intentionally do or say anything to belittle that, but I can't pretend that things aren't as I believe they are.

So when I die, pray that God will welcome me. That I will pass through the fire without much loss, and that what is perishible will be quickly consumed. Rejoice for me that I am no longer the selfish, angry, anxious jerk that I fought so hard not to be in this world. And let each person process those facts as they see fit. Don't dare be offended if they sing, celebrate, cry, or wail.

The Pearl

Here goes another post that is exactly what I created this blog for. I don't really have a point starting out, but will probably have found it by the end of the post.

The Pearl (of Great Price) is part of a Biblical simile for "the Kingdom of Heaven". Jesus spoke a lot of these kind of similes. Usually, I've read it and glossed over it. I've even paused and thought about it for a few minutes, trying to understand the whole simile. But mostly, it has been one of those things I knew, but didn't think much about. Then last night, I was talking with a friend and he started talking about a burden he has. You know, the kind of thing you know something nees to be done about and you just can't get out of your head. He was actually very articulate about it, though he kept thinking that he wasn't making himself clear. It was all about this deep thing he wanted people to understand. A very Contemplative kind of thing (though he didn't use that word) about the nature of life and God and relationships.

As he was talking, I started to get this impression of the pearl and the story that when a man finds it, he goes and sells everything he owns so that he can buy it. And it seemed to me to make sense finally. This was the reason the Kingdom of Heaven is like a pearl or great price that when a man finds it he goes and sells everything he owns to buy it. My friend had seen the pearl and was so desperate to have it that nothing would be more valuable. He would cut away everything in his life to possess it. And he knows that others would value it as he does if they could but find it! He has understood the meaning of life in a quite literal sense. Imagine that! It wasn't so hard to figure out afterall! Perhaps others have seen it in the mud and dirt and kicked right over it without catching its ethereal glint because they are so preconvinced that the meaning of life is far more complex and/or elusive.

What's more, as I realized this, I instantly started to apply it to myself and a moment of clarity struck me where many things made sense...in a gossamer kind of way, like a break in the clouds on an overcast night reveals objects in the sudden moonglow that fades as quickly as it appears. I have also found this pearl, but while he was still marveling over it, I had long since run off to gather the means to buy it. This has taken a lot longer than I expected, and in the process I had almost forgotten that I had come here simply in order to sell what I owned and gain the pearl!

So that's what this was about...I remember the pearl. And just as he was cutting away, selling what he owned, so was I. But I still didn't have enough. Now what remained to be sold was far harder to unload and far harder to part with...In fact, I hadn't even considered it a possession. It was just something that has always been there, like my hair, or shirt. But now, I realize it may have some value...perhaps much more than I anticipated...afterall, it is among the last to go and therefore the bulk of the price is in hand. Since value is in the eye of the beholder, though it gain a pittence in the market, that pittence, hardest to come by and the last that is needed to gain the pearl, makes the sold object the most valuable of all!