Deep Cuts

I feel like something is happening deep inside me.  My perceptions are changing, my reactions too.  Emotions surface at strange times and in strange ways.  It's almost like someone is rooting around deep inside and trying to sort things out.  Which may very well be what is happening.  Sometimes what comes up is not pleasant.  Mostly it isn't I guess.  Things I never even new about myself will just pop up from deep down and I am taken aback.

Also pains will surface in ways and about things I didn't even know hurt me.  I'm finding that I often react in anger to what is truly a fear.  I've seen this before in people and I don't think it's that odd.  But I never knew I was doing it.

It isn't all bad.  Sometimes great joys surface and I find a very unshakable peace and confidence in many things.  But just as quickly a new circumstance or stray comment or sometimes just out of nowhere, I'll be hit with something else.

Last night I was restless again...which has occurred for the past few nights.  It's partly some things I understand: physical, circumstantial, manageable.  But then last night it just wouldn't quit.  I kept calling out to God in my dreams.  I could see Jesus standing a distance away but couldn't keep my focus on him.  Then I'd slip into another fitful dream.  Then this morning as dawn came I woke enough to prayed verbally about some things that were on my mind.  Then I started crying and couldn't stop for about an hour.  Then it was over.  I'm not even sure what it was that upset me other than it felt like I had my heart uprooted all night.

I can only imagine how much more intense this must have been for Jesus when he was living on this earth.  He has been described by third party historians as somber and quiet.  No doubt looking at the world from God's perspective has great joys, but also many pains as he saw the hardness of hearts and confusion of minds.  The general lostness of the all those around him.  I'm having enough trouble being confronted with my own and the occasional glance into those he places close to me.