Lonely

Here I am again, pouring out thoughts to no one because there is no one else to listen. I'm so tired of this. If I've got no voice to say what is important to me, then what is my use? What am I accomplishing?

I set up an event today which I had hopes for. No one showed but my own parents. That's ok really. I didn't expect much from it and these kind of things are slow to start. but what does get to me is that only two other people committed to show, and neither did. One didn't because he got the date wrong and called me yesterday asking where I was. The other, I have no idea about. He just didn't show. There could be a good reason, who knows.

Again, I'm not upset about that really. It just compounds the loneliness I've been feeling. Then my son starts his usual dramatics about school. I try to work him through it and come to realize he really is playing it up more than there is real. I sometimes wonder if he's not playing me entirely. He knows I am sympathetic to that kind of thing because I suffer from it myself. I'm sure there's something really there on some level, but I can't get at it. I am shut out even as I try desperately to connect.

Then my wife wants to watch sports on TV. I hate televised sports, especially the big ones. I tell her I don't want to watch that right before bed and she says she never gets to watch it because of me. So I leave the room to let her watch. Then she comes to tell me she is going to bed. Great. Even she doesn't seem to see the loneliness I feel. I tried to tell her. I really did. Explicitly, I said, "when do I get to talk with you? You wanted to watch sports and now not even 30 minutes later, you're going to bed. Where's my time?" I'm sure I've missed something somewhere in here, but I can't freakin' be perfect. I'm getting tired of trying to fill all the gaps. Someone else step up for a while.