Jumble

Today I am confused...what else is new. Yesterday I was in more pain than I have been in a long time. It was the culmination of two full weeks of pain. Then it broke. It also happened to break around the same time I am told by someone that they will pray for me.

One side says I should not be surprised. Prayer works and I have seen it happen this way before. God tells us to take sick to the elders and let them pray over them and they'll be healed. He tells us to pray for each other. But why didn't my own prayers work? Maybe to teach me this trust. Maybe because I need to learn that I can't do it on my own. Maybe because God isn't selfish and therefore his power doesn't work in selfish ways. In other words, maybe it only works when we pray for others. This is even consistent with my experience in spiritualism. The things of God always come selfless. If anything has a hint of personal gain or offers it, flee!

But then the doubting side that has risen up a lot these past two weeks wonders if it isn't all a coincidence. Couldn't I have latered another variable which explains the change? Certainly, I could name a few that I altered last night. Not the least of which was the very act of revealing the problem to its full extent and accepting (i.e. giving in to) it. Couldn't this all be part of the little understood and seemingly miraculous nature of the body to heal itself? The connection between mind and body and spirit?

Compound this with doubts about the rules of the game. If the latter explanation is true, then couldn't my entire faith be the same? Couldn't it just be a culturally derived version of the universal truth that so many talk about? Sure I can argue all of those ideas. I know the points and counter-points, but what is true? Why would God be so secretive about things? If he loves us and is so specific as to hold to one true way, then how come he isn't more explicit about what that way is?

Are the apologetic arguments that I know so well the actual answers? In the end it's all a matter of acceptance. There is nothing as conclusive as gravity about it. It convinces some but not others and vice versa.

Have we just misunderstood? Is the Bible even trustworthy? sure it has a consistent message, but it's a consistent message that was compiled 400 years after the most recent events took place. It's plausible that those people could have been constructing a story. Maybe they even really believed it. Maybe they were truly filled with the Holy Spirit and God directed it to be compiled. The point is I cannot conclusively say!

So go back to my own conversion experience. "I don't know about all these questions but this I know: I was blind and now I see." right? Couldn't that even have been colored by my upbringing so that I projected it into that imagery? I know some who would say so.

Am I abandoning my faith? No. Jesus' name is carved in my arm, literally. I am bound to him for good or ill. Like Paul said, are we not to pitied above all if our faith is misplaced? I could probably have an easier life, maybe even a healthier life if I let go of these things. But I want what is real, not what is easy. I have taken the red pill. I might not always like or understand the real world, but it's better than the matrix. Plus, I still remember the depths from which I came. There was no meaning, no goodness. When I rejected it before, my world became unhinged and to say it plainly, I was a depressed, suicidal, nihilist who didn't care for anyone or anything, least of all myself.

I come from a long line of self-killers. Most of us do it slowly through bad habits and lack of self-care. We were made for something else. This world is not our home. If there is nothing more, then the peace of oblivion is perfect rest. If there is a God waiting, then I am ready to meet him. If there is another world of spirit, I'm up for the adventure. If I get reborn, then I sure hope I'm moving into something better because if not I'll be short-timing it out of that life too.

And yet, for the talk, I still find a bit of self-preservation and caution when my mind gets out of the way. I didn't jump to that limb of the tree like I at first wanted to. I fear the pain leading to death. Perhaps that's it, not fear of death but fear of pain...fear of incapacitation. Fear of losing the ability to make choices for myself.

I can feel the light growing from behind deep inside me. I hope the answers are not far off. God, convince me again of you, even though I don't deserve it.