System

Most people aren't taught to think critically... to analyze.  I think everyone can to some degree.  I was fortunate to be trained in it from an early age, and then more formally in school.  I have a knack for it I think, so it wasn't hard.

Honestly, it has many benefits.  So I want to describe just a bit of the process.  But I doubt you'll actually take the time to see if it works because discipline is another thing most people lack.

Given any question or situation, you simply think to the next logical conclusion, then go back and identify as many other possible conclusions you could come to.  Then you weigh the liklihood of each.  Followed by the positives and negatives of the most likely. 

See, not that complicated.  The hard part is stepping outside of yourself (your own opinions, programming from school and culture, etc) to see other possibilities.  Of course it will be slow at first, but you'll get faster as you get used to it.

From there, you can expand into longer chains of conclusions, learn to work backward to causes, and even play with variables.  It truly turns the world into an erector set of constructs to play with.

But it isn't just mental gymnastics.  The goal is real world application.  The best illustration of it I've seen is in the Robert Downey, Jude Law Sherlock Holmes movies.  They freeze the film at pivotal moments and play through Holmes' thoughts. Then once he's decided, speed up and watch it play out.  It's just like that.  It happens in milliseconds if you get used to it, but can also be used on longer range things.  It's a type of systems thinking.  It allows you to predict many futures with reasonable accuracy and understand causes from mechanical things to emotions.  And it instills a desire to learn more.  Tools for the toolbox, so to speak.  Anything that helps us better process the massive overload of data our brains are constantly receiving. Most people just let their brains parse it out and it never enters consciousness.

This fact actually allowed me to disappear...to become invisible on several occasions.  If I can process what people are noticing and place myself outside of that, I very truly cease to be there in their minds.  I once walked right up to a friend I happened to see in a mall and took his bags.  I walked full in front of his view and he only saw me once the bags moved from his feet.  Another time, I appeared "magically" in front of a friend who was actually looking for me at a crowded movie theater.  I saw him, but he didn't see me until I stepped into his consciousness.  And I frequently used it to walk right past teachers in school, even as other kids would get stopped.

It's useful in driving because I can lay out a path through shifting traffic.  I have used it at work when I noticed that a certain terrible boss would always issue pointless orders (even though the work was done) as he blew through, but only if we were wearing the teal uniform shirts.  That was his unconscious cue.  So I'd casually slip mine off when I saw him roll in and he'd pass me by every time.  People even commented on it.  I told them, and it worked for them too.  Currently, I often leave a few "easter eggs", let's say, in a document or image I send for review.  This lessens the number of comments I get back because reviewers want to find things.  If they don't, they get pickier.  A few subtle but catchable mistakes, results in less needless overhaul.  Of course it's not perfect.  Sometimes unpredictable happens, but that's part of the game.

Of course, there's a downside, if you get really into it.  It tends to make the world far less stable.  In the long run, this is probably a more truthful view, and therefore better, but it makes security an utter illusion.  At best, our most protective systems only account for the few most obvious scenarios.  So if you take this to heart, get ready to swim in deep water forever.  Dry-ground is going bye-bye in this world.  Also, get prepared for the vast majority of people to not understand you at all.  You'll be labelled as negative, critical, manipulative, weird.  And you will be.  Or at least you'll be perfectly capable of it.  So be prepared to hold a tight moral and ethical compass.

Perception is not reality

I described this to someone recently.  I don't know where it came from originally.  I don't claim credit for inventing it.  She was going to look for it online.  Now she'll find it.

Answer?

Last night, I was thinking about how churches often drive for participation.  I've discussed that on this blog at length.  But as I've alluded, I rarely jump to conclusions.  So even though I am staunchly opposed to coercive participation, when faced with yet another instance of it, I still find myself stepping back, and thinking, "Am I the one who's wrong?"

It's always a possibility.  Especially when one finds the same message occurring repeatedly, it's wise to take note and analyze again.  So, I found myself mulling this over as I went to bed.  Remembrance of times when I've tried to buy in and go with it, only to end in disaster.  Debate amongst messages I've received, verses I know, Truths I hold.

And so, as I tried to turn off, I asked God to show me the answer.  And I fell asleep.

So this morning I awoke with two vivid dreams in my mind.  As always, some details are fuzzy, but the important part of any dream is what isn't fuzzy.  In the first, I was going about some business or other when a highly contagious disease began to be noticed among people.  It was subtle, really, starting with few symptoms that were easily misinterpreted.  Tiny red spots, etc.  But if untreated, it ended in death.  It quickly became an epidemic and was still spreading.  I found myself trying to spot people with the disease and help them in any way I could.  At one point, I ended up with a sort of clinic that was set up like a pizza delivery.  Drivers were going out on calls to provide aid, or bring in patients while the doctor and office staff kept calls coming in and treated patients.  I stepped in as a driver and spent the dream taking errands to bring aid, help the sick, bring them in.  I remember being slightly concerned that I may be infected, but didn't have time to be concerned.  I might be infected anyway and these people certainly were.  They needed help.

In the second dream, I was volunteering at a church camp.  I went to sign up and was explaining my experience with education, even coordination, and program development.  The staff seemed too busy to be interested, but when I mentioned education, they started jargoning about educational theories, statistics, etc.  I realized I couldn't possibly keep up with that, since I wasn't a classically trained educator.  But I knew how to work with kids.  So I stepped in and began to relate to some waiting kids.  Then we were ushered into a big room where activities were underway.  I tried to hang on and be useful with no idea what was happening or what I was needed to do, as I've done many times in church ministry.  And that's when I started looking for the red spots again.  I knew some of these kids must be sick.  I needed to find them.  To help them.  I woke up from this.

It was soft morning and I immediately began to think about the dreams while they were fresh.  They didn't feel like my normal dreams...not fueled by my health condition (which produces a characteristic type of dreaming), not the usual amalgam of recent experiences.  It wouldn't be the first time a dream had directly answered a prayer for me.  But any dream could also be my own thoughts.  So I searched for confirmation.

That's when the words of Jesus came to memory, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." and "I came to seek and save that which was lost."  Could that be right?  Did this really apply here?  Was it my imagination pulling together relevant information?  I felt moisture drip down my cheek.  I touched my eyes.  They were wet.  This is often confirmation for me.

I thanked God for answering my prayer.

Then I woke my wife to tell her and see if she confirmed it as well.  In conversation, I became more certain.  This was a reminder of what I had known.  I know my mission, and it is not in vane.  Religious organizations and ministries will churn and that is not my concern.  The secular world will churn and that is not my concern.  Both are equally irrelevant to the task.  The sick are among us.  The disease is rampant.  Symptoms are slow but definitive.  But I am to look for them, and aid where I can.  This is it.

The aid will take various forms: comfort, support, steering toward healing, taking to the Doctor, bringing medicine to the sick.  I don't have to think about being infected.  I just have to help.  I don't even need to cure the disease.  And I'm not alone.  There are many doing the same.  We know each other when we see, but keep at our work.  It compliments each other and we know what to do in this effort.

And if by chance the pizza delivery has a physical manifestation, I'll keep my eyes open.  But the context doesn't matter.  The disease doesn't respect persons or status.  So the cure can't either.

The Difference

I was once told by someone who had just met me in person that I was not what she expected.  She said my writing was fierce and angry, but sitting in front of her, I was nothing like that at all.  Of course she fell prey to a common fallacy of generalizing a very limited experience (of me, in this case) to what is a much larger and more complex reality.  But I don't want to bash her logic.

Instead, I want to apologize...in the old sense of offering a defense...for this blog.  It is intended to be a very real and raw and unfiltered record of my experiences.  As such, the tone vacillates, mostly across the more troubling spectrum of human emotions, since obviously, I'm not wrestling with much in the busy or more pleasant times; leastways, I don't have time to write about them.

So it occurred to me that the few of you who read this, especially any random surfers who hit on it, may easily get the impression that I'm a hateful and angry person.  And in some aspects you would be absolutely correct.  But that certainly isn't all I am.  Nevertheless, mistaking my state is less of a concern than if you were to mistake my intent toward others.

While I most certainly reference and sometimes quote actual events and people, some of whom might actually read this blog on occasion, you'll also notice that I never use names or identifying characteristics.  And as an added safeguard, I'll let you in on a little secret: I sometimes even swap pronouns or other subtle indicators just in case someone starts to think they know who I'm talking about.

Why?  Because my intention is never to judge or condemn the person.  We are, all of us, much more than any single incident.  More even than a history or a portfolio of behavior.  We are complex, living people who change and grow and fail and succeed.  I have felt the daggers and darts of judgement and misunderstanding and I would never be the source of pain to another.

Like Paul, I am keenly aware, more than most, of my own failings.  As raw as this blog is, you are not privy to my most inner thoughts and feelings.  The climate in my head is a harsh and terrible place of extremes built in arid arid regions of asceticism, glaring plains of self-scrutiny, tempestuous seas of emotion, and dark mires of spiritualism.  Trust me, no one survives there, even myself.  My point is that I expound externally nothing harsher than I have already applied to myself.  And while you have the option of turning off my blog, I can't get out of my own head.  I am very much the subject of the old Linkin Park song.  But while this explains it somewhat, it does not excuse my virtiolic.

The difference, I think, is in the target.  If you read carefully, you'll notice that my attacks are always directed at a fallacy of logic or belief.  Particularly where that fallacy has a negative impact (intended or not) on another and usually weaker party.  You see, the vitriolic is toward the idea and it's manifestation in behavior.  Not the person.  If we were all to play so nice as to not offend anyone about anything they do, the result would be that the weakest and softest among us bear the undue burden of our mistakes.  So I'm sorry, I have to speak against it.  I know you are not your actions or even your ideas and are therefore not receiving the bullet that you assume to take.  No one has the right to allow their problems to harm another without their consent, even if your personal well-being is so entangled with your behavior that you feel personally wounded when I speak against it.  In fact, the wound, even as fallacious as your affront is, will likely do you good by forcing you to pay attention to it and perhaps disentangle yourself from yourself somewhat, though even that is categorically not my intent.


As I have said before, I am a sheepdog.  I help the shepherd herd the sheep.  I know my flock and I will continue to uncompromisingly attack those demons and shades that would harm them, even the ones that pretend to be shadows of holy and upstanding people.  If my jaws happen to snap a little too close for comfort, please remember I'm aiming for the leech on your neck and the wound you feel is from it digging in, not from me.  Just like any dog, grudges are not held.  When things are safe and good, you're welcome to lay your head on my back and we can gnaw a bone together.

Money

Ok.  Nothing tricky here.  Just some thoughts on money that occurred to me today on my drive home from work.  I hear many modern Evangelical Christians talk about money.  It's perhaps the most distasteful topic someone can preach on.  We often assume this is because people are so addicted to money.  Servants of Mammon, to use a Biblical reference.

But I don't think this is necessarily so.  Obviously there are plenty of people calling themselves Christians who most certainly are wrapped up in money, and if not money itself, then the culture of consumerism, which is simply the same vice, a step removed.  But then I believe there are a great number of people (I know several who are decidedly NOT part of this culture of money) that still take issue with it.  Why is that?

I think first, it has to do with context.  Most people who preach about money are doing it in a context where the method of parting with it (for our own good, they say) is to give it to the speaker.  OK.  So you just told me how bad the money is and I should improve myself by giving the bad stuff to you.  Classic con game!

I'm not saying pastors asking for money are intentionally trying to con people, though I know undoubtedly some are.  I think most actually believe their own rhetoric.  Which often includes the ever-popular story of the rich young ruler in the Gospels.   This is where Jesus tells a man to be perfect he must sell his possessions and makes the famous camel through the eye of the needle comment.  I will resist the urge to digress into the misinterpretations of this story, since they are much more eloquently discussed by so many more qualified people than me.  Suffice to say, the speaker most often obviously hasn't followed this himself, so he's got no right to talk.

Other rhetoric centers on the verse about serving God and Mammon.  I've heard lots of exposition on Mammon as a god of wealth or a symbol of the corrupting power of money, but my favorite mammon speech is that it's actually a spirit which curses all money.  Conveniently the way to remove this curse often has to do with giving money to the speaker, but I'm getting ahead of myself.  In this speech, the pastor tries to convince the crowd that money is not bad, it's only the cursed money.  This is my favorite because it expertly circumvents the problem of the church receiving the vile stuff which they then use with relish.  The biggest problem here is that it is not anywhere found in the Bible.  It's all made up once they depart from the one line that says 'Mammon'.  I think it's a popular tactic because it allows the speaker, who is generally an educated person with some training in logic and apologetics to self-delude.  Ignoring issues that include how it got cursed in the first place and why God allows a good thing to be emphatically cursed.  The answer is often that it's God's way of making us give to Him what's His, as if God were a peevish and selfish gangster who would use curses and spiritual thugs to enforce his will.  Instead of the source of love and light near which no unclean thing may approach and from which our definition of "good" is derived.

Back on the practical level, as I was getting to above, the first twinge of dissonance occurs, often subconsciously, by the fact that the speaker is taking our money!  If it's bad, you, pastor, don't want it either!  And if it's cursed until we give it to you, why is not cursed again once you take it?  Is it the act of giving that removes the curse?  What if I was to re-give a pure gift, a birthday present.  Is that cursed?  Someone gave it to me!  If it's cursed once I get it even if given to me, why is it not cursed when you take it?

The answer propounded to this is that it's cursed until I give it to God (i.e. your church, as His agent).  But first I have to ask, what year is this?  Curses and Spirits? Real or not, is your audience even buying that?  And secondly, I can make up stuff too, bro!  If we're just going to pull it out of any random word, I can present you with just as much Biblical proof that God has chicken wings!  And I'm not kidding about that.  Ask me.

Seriously, you just can't ask people to give up money because it's bad for them and then take it yourself.  You really can't even ask for money that you'll use at all without seeming like what you're doing: MOOCHING! to put it kindly.  That's what we call it in any other relationship and you're human too, bro.

Here's what you can do. If your motive is really to help your listeners become better people by letting go of money.  Then don't take it.  Lead by example.  Take up a collection that is 100% going to someone else reputable and unaffiliated with your organization (not a parishioner, either).  Give it away.  See if that boosts your totals that week.  No games, no shaving, or calling your building fund an 'outreach opportunity'.  No lame rebate guarantee "if God doesn't bless you" (I've actually heard this one too).  Simply say, "to prove the principle, all money collected today is going to Samaritan's Purse."  Or whatever charity.  Unless of course you're with Samaritan's Purse, in which case I don't think you're using these tactics anyway, but if you are, give it to someone else.

Better yet, do what Jesus himself did and tell them to give it to the poor... unspecified.  That's what he did with the Rich Young Ruler.  He didn't take it for his ministry!  He set the challenge and sent him off to do it.

The other approach you could take is to specifically tell people what the money is for.  I've watched a struggling church receive a dismal offering at collection time, but then the same crowd dump their pockets for a guy who was building schools in Africa.  Same day!  Same service!  One plate got pittence, the other overflowing!  Why?  Because the school builder was offering a tangible product.  People were buying in, plain and simple.  This of course does nothing to stir people from their money-driven mindset, in fact it might reinforce it.  But at least the money flows to a place where it can do some good and no one looks like a shyster.

But I haven't even mentioned the elephant in the room yet.  This is of course the fact that churches in general are so into money themselves!  They need it.  The organization requires funds to support the overhead and the ministries, etc.  Sounds a whole lot like a non-profit corporation to me...Oh wait, that's what it is.  The modern church organization has become no different than the Red Cross, the World Wildlife Fund, or the ASPCA.  Of course, they'll tell you it takes money to reach people.  But I emphatically and totally disagree.  It takes money to run your organization, yes.  But Jesus himself and countless others have reached many people without a dime.  Yes, you, modern church, are more addicted to money than the majority of people you preach to.  Seriously!  The people you preach to gave some of theirs away and aren't out begging for it!

Your faith was founded by a guy who left his home and career.  A guy who gave up everything.  A guy who never asked anyone for money and never gave it to anyone either.  Sure he used it, but only for it's intended purpose: as a medium of trade.  But he really and truly didn't rely on it.  He even sent his first disciples out with the command to take no money so they would be forced to see God's provision for them.

Bottom line is that you can't tell a kid not to smoke with a cigarette in your hand.  It is the definition of HYPOCRITE!  And we see it. Your mental gymnastics (or the bugaboo ghost stories) won't get around this plain and simple fact.  Even if that isn't your intent, avoid the appearance of evil, yeah?  Give it up!

I speak for the trees.

Katahdin

I just got back from a two week trip to Maine in the very Northeast corner of the US.  We drove all the way there from Florida.  It was my first time seeing many of the Northeastern states.  And while I didn't get much time to understand them, my initial impression based on traffic, road conditions, interactions with a few people, landscape, etc, is that most of those are places I never desire to go again. 

Ironically, the states I thought would be the worst were actually pleasant.  Namely, New Jersey and New York.  The roads were well maintained.  The people were friendly, drivers were efficient considerate, etc.  But my absolute least favorite state was Connecticut.  If you live there, I'm sorry for you and you can be reasonably certain you'll not see me there ever again if I can help it.  Pennsylvania is a close second.

But travel issues aside, Maine was a beautiful place.  I was surprised by the intense amount of pesky and biting insects for such a cold climate, but I guess they can only survive for such a short time, they come out in force.  Interestingly, in Florida, the bugs are more common in the shade because the sun is too hot.  In Maine, it was the opposite.

I was also struck by the profound impression that Maine is composed almost entirely of rock...various sizes and constructions, but it was by far the rockiest place I've ever been.  I took particular notice since I favor the barefoot style of shoes, so I felt EVERY stone.  My feet are now much tougher.

We stayed one afternoon and night in Bangor.  I found this to be a delightful city and could easily see myself living there.  Even the culture seemed to be very suitable.  I've never seen so many piercings, tattoos, and dyed hair outside of little enclaves and gatherings. It was pretty much everywhere there.

But then we camped at the base of Katahdin, the highest peak in Maine.  It's a great thrust of rock covered in more rock.  It generates its own microclimate, making the area an unpredictable mix of rocks, clouds, and trees.

My goal was to reach the peak, but on the first day, bad weather was predicted.  So we climbed South Turner Peak, which looks over at Baxter Peak (the highest).  It was a short trail, but went virtually straight up across...of course...large rocks.  (I'm pretty sure the trail designer was a mountain goat who owned stock in steel shank shoes.)  But my Tabi boots held good and my son and I had lunch atop a sunny peak in a cloud of black flies before rock hopping back down.

Turned out the bad weather didn't show til about 7pm, so we would have had ample time to get to the top of Baxter, but we were listening to Rangers and trying to play it safe.

What followed was a full day of rain.  So that day, we ascended part way up Baxter to Chimney Pond, which is a picturesque glacial pond surrounded by soaring granite cliffs that make up Baxter Peak.  On the way up, we met a Ranger who I instantly hit it off with.  He was lean like us and dancing from rock to rock like us.  He wore soft soled shoes, like us, and loved my boots.  He realized our experience and determination and didn't try to dissuade us from climbing Baxter, even in the rain, though he told us good options.  We had decided to skip Baxter that day since it would be shrouded in cloud so he recommended Pamola Caves, which was a branch off of Chimney Pond.

So we took that route and quickly found this guy was serious!  Pamola was a series of huge boulders that we had to, alternately and in combination, jump, scramble, spin, slide, skirt, and crawl under.  There is nothing like straddling a four foot gap in the rain with cliff on one side, and a dark hole filled with uneven rocks 20 feet below.  My 12 year old son, did beautifully, even where we had to climb down a waterfall.  But the most intense place for me was the narrow squeezes in which we had to leave our packs and shimmy sideways and up through crevices where even my slim 90cm chest touched one face and my back the other.  Then we had to crawl through a tunnel and climb up a pipe of rock.  I did it with ease, but realized, I have no love for caving.

After awhile we returned and bounded our way through rocks and mud back to our campsite.  It was here that I realized these trails were like none I have hiked in Japan, Hawaii, or Appalachia.  Essentially, they remove vegetation, and then leave the rocks and all for people to navigate.  It's like walking in a rocky stream bed, which indeed it becomes in the rain.  Even where the inevitable washouts occur, most trails install a small pipe, a horizontal ladder, or log bridge to cross them.  Here, they simply pile up some rocks in the trail and let the washout flow between.  The hiker has to climb over the rocks, into the wash, and back out the other side, or jump the gap.

So after two days of this intense hiking, our feet and legs were baked.  But the next morning was fair and we determined to do Baxter Peak, come what may.  It was our last opportunity.  So foot sore, and leg tired, we ascended the Chimney trail again.  Then we chose the Saddle trail up to the peak.  Though it was a bit longer, it was the least intense and we were tired.  Of course, by least intense we mean that the vertical portion of the climb was only about a kilometer over loose gravel and rocks.

We were slow moving when we finally crested the ridge and entered the alpine tundra.  Then we were treated with another surprise, which Thoreau described as if raw materials for a planet were dumped up there, awaiting incorporation.  Millions upon millions of grapefruit sized loose rocks were strewn everywhere.  The trail was like walking of sharp edged, shifting softballs that adjusted and settled with each step like giant sand grains.  About 2km later we reached the peak.  Which on this first sunny day in a week, was full of people.  There was an Appalachian Trail through-hiker ending his journey. A couple south-bound starting theirs.  A guy proposing to his girlfriend at the peak, about 35 kids of varying ages up with a few summer camps, and sundry others.

I was sitting on the rocks exhausted with throbbing feet.  But I was there.  I sucked water, gnawed beef jerky, and chomped some nuts.  Then we started down.  It was a slow painful walk and I was certain it would have been much better if I wasn't three days into some serious hikes on backpacker rations.  The climb down was without event.  We took it slow and all four of our legs were noodling, but we did it without injury or incident.

I was not surprised by the peak, though the trail certainly was unexpected.  Peaks are usually crowded in high season.  I partly wish I had done it in the rain, but that climb up the slide would have been tricky.  At least then we'd have been more alone at the summit.  But in the end, I know for me, hiking is about the journey.  And I don't mean that in the cleche since.  Quite literally, I don't care about the views.  I don't even want to stop at the top.  I'm content to reach it and keep right on moving.

The reason for this hit me profoundly as we started back down the sunny tundra.  Dancing along those loose stones, my son asked my why I never want to stop at the top. We had quickly left the crowd (all still at the summit) and I looked out over this alien landscape with clouds sweeping up like something from a Miyazaki movie.  I was impressed dramatically with a simultaneous sense of relief at having accomplished the hardest of three difficult hikes in as many days, wonder at the scene, and a distinct sense of 'now'.  I explained the above to him and told him of Augustine's description of time:  That the future does not exist, the past is gone, and all that exists is the present moment.  If you focus your attention down on the smallest unit of time you can perceive, you'll realize that reality is flying by in an ever-present and infinitesimally small 'now'.

That was when I slipped into that attention and was palpably impressed with the living sublimity of the moment.  My eyes teared up and overflowed, I almost lost my balance as I beheld for the briefest moment the way God sees the world.  This place, this distant, alien, unfriendly place was not made for us.  It was made by and for God himself.  And in it was a glorious thriving of motion and activity and life.  The ever-present now is where God lives.  I said this to my son.  And as sudden as it came it was gone, like the mists blowing across the dappled lichen.  Like Moses, I had climbed to the high place and glimpsed God as he passed by.  I was left with salt-stinging eyes, throbbing legs, and a profound sense of joy.  I had found something on that mountain, but as usual it was not where anyone would think to look.

God, help me.

Christians talk of love.  We're told to overlook, forgive, bear with, no one is perfect, don't judge.  And yet, in so many cases, this is entirely the duty of the listener and not at all reflected by the speaker or his organization.

It starts to sound hollow after awhile.  So I'm supposed to be eternally forgiving offences against me, some of which are grossly wrong...morally, ethically, personally wrong...and yet the person/people preaching this are the very offenders who then refuse to show it to me, to bear with me, to overlook, forgive, withhold judgement of my faults.

Now the moralist in me is screaming that two wrongs don't make a right and that one must do right regardless of how one is treated.  OK.  I know this.  But it doesn't change the bitterness and anger that rise up at it again and again.  And it isn't everyone.  I know many people who do live out their faith and have shown me great love, even when I don't deserve it.  So again, I blame the institution for creating the paradigm in which a man can stand over anonymous heads and orate without having to answer to the eyes and mouths of those he speaks to.  Where he doesn't have to feel the full and immediate effect of his words.  There has to be a better way.

I feel like I know that way too.  I have glimpsed it, smelled it, but can't quite apprehend it.  I'm not planning anything.  I'm over trying to work my own will in these cases.  I just don't have the energy any more.  But I want to understand, to walk in it, to help it grow where it sprouts.

Am I missing something?  I find myself cringing from certain aspects of the faith.  Embarrassed by them.  I don't want to be caught listening to Christian radio.  I don't even like the music.  I just need some uplifting, faithful, stilling presence and commercial radio (at least the genres I can tolerate) is all about degradation and glory in low things.  I hate to pray over meals in public, though I do it at home with a will and a desire to instill it in my son.

Am I embarrassed by the faith?  No.  I'm not.  I'll easily tell someone I'm Christian, that I go to church, that I believe in universal Truth and live morally, etc.  I'll discuss my faith at length and detail in certain contexts, not just amongst other Christians.  So I am not embarrassed by the faith.  So what is it?

If it was just hokey contrivances, I would not do them myself.  So I see value in them.  This means the issue must be deeper.  Perhaps a fear of seeming naive or backward.  Perhaps of being misunderstood.  I can't tell what it is.  My Evangelical background steps forward at this point and begins condemning me that those who are ashamed of Christ, he will be ashamed of.  Words from his own mouth!  And my heart quails.  But yet I find the same reactions persisting.

I am fickle and inconsistent.  And then I am reminded quietly of Peter who denied Christ three times after just proclaiming his allegiance and even using a blade against an armed troop of men to defend Jesus.  I am reminded of Paul who could not do the good he wanted to do, though he knew what it was.

And so this Sunday, when I was sitting in church, at odds with the place and myself, the pastor, whom I don't even know if I like and certainly don't yet trust, calls us to take Communion in a way that does not put me off.  Not single serving plastic wrapped.  Not greatly orated.  Simply saying that we will serve ourselves because, "you need no one coming between you and your God."  And so I go forward, looking into my own heart, wondering what I will say to Him in the moment, though I feel something must be said.  At the same time, I dred that my heart may burst out my eyes in front of everyone, as too often happens when I encounter God.  I take the wafer, dip it in the cup, and at that second, my heart cries out, "God, help me."

I don't even know where it came from...well I do really.  But I was not planning it, I promise you.  I felt my eyes well, clenched my teeth to stop it, and rushed back to my seat.  Then it came to me that this simple line is the essence of my faith, of all faith.  I don't know.  I can't do.  God, help me.

And on this rock, I can stand.  Nothing more, nothing less.  God, help me.  God, help me.