Bono said that grace is the central concept of Christianity. He said most other religions are about Karma. But if Karma is the standard people like him are sunk.
I couldn't agree more. By natural law, by Jewish law, by Muslim law, by Christian rule, by Buddhist code, by Hindu Karma, I'm screwed. Pick one; I've blown it too far already.
Muslim and Jewish law set up so many rules, I can't possibly comply. I've wounded too many people. I've complained too many gifts. I've profaned too many holies. Lied, belied, denied, hidden, lusted, coveted, taken advantage of, wounded. I've even committed deep spiritual offenses. I'm not interested in any arguments that start with the words, no, but, or at least. I know myself more than anyone else and even if you excuse all the codes and morals, there are natural laws that I have flouted. I won't list them here, but suffice to say, even an anti-religious atheist would find them wrong. If nothing else, I have condemned myself and no one can undo a sentence one has passed on oneself.
There is nothing left for me but grace. Favor granted in spite of offense. Mercy. Without this, I have no hope of redemption. But in the depths of this bloody hell, I have assurances that this grace is mine. Do I believe it? Barely. Do I doubt it? Yes. And that too is more fuel for the fire of my condemnation. Even as I type it, I can hear Aslan's roar of indignation that I would cast doubt on his word. And I tremble and fall on his grace again. While he may have removed my sins from me, I still see them clearly. I pray that my fleshly eyes will die to be replaced by his pure glass ones that see only as things are.
In the meantime, I cling to that grace. I try to believe it and I try to step one at a time. If there is good in me, if others see good in me, it is not of my doing. This is the extent of my faith.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Routine
In what can I trust?
In my senses? They can cheat. They can be tampered with. They are not reliable.
In my emotions? They are vacillating, blown by the slightest breeze of circumstance.
In my mind? It can also be tampered with. A hundred influences playing for control at any time. Whispers in the dark. It is not reliable.
In my strength? It can fail in an instant. Invisible assassins assail it from every side. I am not strong.
In my possessions? They are not me. They do not satisfy. They break and are stolen or damaged. They are chaff.
In my friends? They are dispersed. I rarely see them. They are busy. They are troubled enough on their own. Or they are distant, not interested or capable of deep relations.
In my church? What is that? What is trustworthy in a human attempt to be Godly? It is corrupted, shallow, self-serving, and too busy.
In my hobbies? These are pass-times. Business for the hands and mind. Torches in the dark to stave off the hellhounds.
In family? They are bothered, exasperated, incapable of understanding, and confronted with the urgencies of life. They don't have time or energy for failings.
In work? It is usury. Squeeze my skills and usefulness from me, discard the rind.
In study? My understanding is drivel.
In routine? Yes there is safety. There is movement. Like pacing the cell, but it is movement. It is sequence. First this, now do this. In routine I can move. In unchanging life-sucking dullness of routine I can progress from one sun to the next, one moon to the next. It marks time. There is nothing else. Do this, next to this. No change. Consistency. It keeps the body fed, cleaned, rested, the mouths happy. Zombie-like it marches on. It selects the appropriate behaviors, faces for the appropriate moments. The suits for the occasions. It does not ask how I feel. It just moves. Next this, then this. Eventually the pacing will wear away the very flesh from my bones, the edge from my mind, the fire from my will. But it will progress. It is movement.
In my senses? They can cheat. They can be tampered with. They are not reliable.
In my emotions? They are vacillating, blown by the slightest breeze of circumstance.
In my mind? It can also be tampered with. A hundred influences playing for control at any time. Whispers in the dark. It is not reliable.
In my strength? It can fail in an instant. Invisible assassins assail it from every side. I am not strong.
In my possessions? They are not me. They do not satisfy. They break and are stolen or damaged. They are chaff.
In my friends? They are dispersed. I rarely see them. They are busy. They are troubled enough on their own. Or they are distant, not interested or capable of deep relations.
In my church? What is that? What is trustworthy in a human attempt to be Godly? It is corrupted, shallow, self-serving, and too busy.
In my hobbies? These are pass-times. Business for the hands and mind. Torches in the dark to stave off the hellhounds.
In family? They are bothered, exasperated, incapable of understanding, and confronted with the urgencies of life. They don't have time or energy for failings.
In work? It is usury. Squeeze my skills and usefulness from me, discard the rind.
In study? My understanding is drivel.
In routine? Yes there is safety. There is movement. Like pacing the cell, but it is movement. It is sequence. First this, now do this. In routine I can move. In unchanging life-sucking dullness of routine I can progress from one sun to the next, one moon to the next. It marks time. There is nothing else. Do this, next to this. No change. Consistency. It keeps the body fed, cleaned, rested, the mouths happy. Zombie-like it marches on. It selects the appropriate behaviors, faces for the appropriate moments. The suits for the occasions. It does not ask how I feel. It just moves. Next this, then this. Eventually the pacing will wear away the very flesh from my bones, the edge from my mind, the fire from my will. But it will progress. It is movement.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Grown Up Punk
I am often called a hippy. Funny because there's nothing further from the truth. A lot of times it simply has to do with long hair. But that's stupid. One thing I do identify with about hippies is that for many, it was a real lifestyle choice. It was irrevocable. It became part of who they are and they have lived it out all their lives.
While I shun labels in general, I find that they can sometimes be useful in short-cutting a long conversation. For me, the word punk is one of those very useful terms. And for me, like the hippies, punk became a part of who I am. But what does that mean?
First you have to understand that punk is way more than fashion or music, or even rebellion. Sure these things are called punk, but that's just the orbitting junk. A the heart, punk is an ideology, or set of ideologies really. It's a view of the world that stems from growing up in the consumerist, middle-class, western world. It's a reaction to the untruths and half-truths and controls and injustices foisted on those who grew up in that world. Let me clarify that...not injustices foisted on the members themselves, who tend to have had it pretty good, but the acceptance of injustices done to others.
Punk says we want more than this lame, mind-dulling, corporate greed controlled, pick-a-box-and-crawl-in-like-a-good-little-cog type of world. It refuses to give up it's values and it's sense of right and good.
On a deeper level, it is a disillusioned movement. It sees through the facades and seeks to confront others with that reality. Everything else stems from this. The objectionable lyrics, the wild fashion, the DIY ethic, even the violence associated with some forms of punk is really an attempt to break people out of the illusion that the world is soft and safe.
And of course, all of these things are played out against the varying backdrops and beliefs of punks. Therefore there is not one solid punk identity. We are conservative and liberal, and neither, violent and peaceful, abusive and generous, as varied as the types of people, religions, and politics of the people who are punks. And this diversity, is a reflection of the value on trueness to one's own sense of right and good.
That said, what does it mean to be a grown up punk? It's not fashion, though you can see elements of punk in my clothes, in my choices. I refuse to wear designer labels or prominent labels of any kind. I prefer to make my own, or alter my own clothes to suit my needs. I wear them until they are no more use. My hair is not your typical punk style, but it is also a style that is true to my own sense of rightness. I wear long hair because it is natural and free. It suits my attitude and face. It is a nod to my heritage and an embrace of my true identity.
You can see my punkness in my work choices. It isn't about career. How could it be, this is an illusion. My work has to do good and I refuse to do otherwise or to violate my principles even at my own peril. I currently work for the government where I am faced with political issues, which leads to the next area.
You can see punkness in my politics. I will not join a party or even register to vote. I excercise my God-given and valid democratic right to abstain because the system is corrupt. I will not play nor be used as a pawn in someone's agenda. That blood won't be on my hands. This makes much trouble at work. People often don't get it. My paradigm is different. My policies reflect equity and do not bend to corrupt political will. And I cannot respect those who do. I don't just roll over and accept corruption. I change it, or expose it, or render it ineffective. And failing that, I stand boldly and publically on my conviction. If you disagree, fine, but don't try to coerce or cheat if I know about it.
You can see punkness in my home. I ride my bike where I can so as not to be enslaved to traffic and oil and roads. I make most of my furniture. I keep my yard in a way that is ethical for others and identifies with the ecological reality and the social reality of the world.
So, yes, I am a grown up punk. It is a valid way of life. It is a part of me that will never go away. Like my faith (truly they are intimately tied) it is not something you can stop being. If you used to be Christian, or Punk, then you never really were.
If more people understood this, they'd understand me much better. I'd appear less difficult than principled. Less stubborn or obnoxious than painfully honest.
While I shun labels in general, I find that they can sometimes be useful in short-cutting a long conversation. For me, the word punk is one of those very useful terms. And for me, like the hippies, punk became a part of who I am. But what does that mean?
First you have to understand that punk is way more than fashion or music, or even rebellion. Sure these things are called punk, but that's just the orbitting junk. A the heart, punk is an ideology, or set of ideologies really. It's a view of the world that stems from growing up in the consumerist, middle-class, western world. It's a reaction to the untruths and half-truths and controls and injustices foisted on those who grew up in that world. Let me clarify that...not injustices foisted on the members themselves, who tend to have had it pretty good, but the acceptance of injustices done to others.
Punk says we want more than this lame, mind-dulling, corporate greed controlled, pick-a-box-and-crawl-in-like-a-good-little-cog type of world. It refuses to give up it's values and it's sense of right and good.
On a deeper level, it is a disillusioned movement. It sees through the facades and seeks to confront others with that reality. Everything else stems from this. The objectionable lyrics, the wild fashion, the DIY ethic, even the violence associated with some forms of punk is really an attempt to break people out of the illusion that the world is soft and safe.
And of course, all of these things are played out against the varying backdrops and beliefs of punks. Therefore there is not one solid punk identity. We are conservative and liberal, and neither, violent and peaceful, abusive and generous, as varied as the types of people, religions, and politics of the people who are punks. And this diversity, is a reflection of the value on trueness to one's own sense of right and good.
That said, what does it mean to be a grown up punk? It's not fashion, though you can see elements of punk in my clothes, in my choices. I refuse to wear designer labels or prominent labels of any kind. I prefer to make my own, or alter my own clothes to suit my needs. I wear them until they are no more use. My hair is not your typical punk style, but it is also a style that is true to my own sense of rightness. I wear long hair because it is natural and free. It suits my attitude and face. It is a nod to my heritage and an embrace of my true identity.
You can see my punkness in my work choices. It isn't about career. How could it be, this is an illusion. My work has to do good and I refuse to do otherwise or to violate my principles even at my own peril. I currently work for the government where I am faced with political issues, which leads to the next area.
You can see punkness in my politics. I will not join a party or even register to vote. I excercise my God-given and valid democratic right to abstain because the system is corrupt. I will not play nor be used as a pawn in someone's agenda. That blood won't be on my hands. This makes much trouble at work. People often don't get it. My paradigm is different. My policies reflect equity and do not bend to corrupt political will. And I cannot respect those who do. I don't just roll over and accept corruption. I change it, or expose it, or render it ineffective. And failing that, I stand boldly and publically on my conviction. If you disagree, fine, but don't try to coerce or cheat if I know about it.
You can see punkness in my home. I ride my bike where I can so as not to be enslaved to traffic and oil and roads. I make most of my furniture. I keep my yard in a way that is ethical for others and identifies with the ecological reality and the social reality of the world.
So, yes, I am a grown up punk. It is a valid way of life. It is a part of me that will never go away. Like my faith (truly they are intimately tied) it is not something you can stop being. If you used to be Christian, or Punk, then you never really were.
If more people understood this, they'd understand me much better. I'd appear less difficult than principled. Less stubborn or obnoxious than painfully honest.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Not Our World
I was recently struck by this idea. It started with a Head song and lingered in the humus of my mind for a long time, several weeks, until it finally sprouted. It is a simple idea, but one that changes perspective on so many things.
As usual, it has a lot to do with the death of the self. Our own pride, self-serving is the biggest problem we face as individuals and in groups, I think. The great I is always vying for control, and it gets it very easily. One of the surest ways to quiet a troubled mind is to get it occupied on someone else...serving someone else. There can be self-centeredness that comes off arrogant and snooty and there can also be self-centeredness that simply focuses on oneself too much. That is, even focusing on changing ourselves is still a form of self-centeredness.
Anyway, when I meditate on the phrase, "His world" it changes so much of my desire and perspective. His sky, His water, His land, His food, His air, His electrons, His life force. What if, just what if, everything was truly and literally God's. He didn't make it and give it to us, or walk away from it. It's all His. I know this sounds like a truism on the surface, but that's the case with most contemplative revelations. But let it sink and and mull it over so that you think it about everything you look at, everything you do. Every breath you take.
I realized, like really felt it become a reality for me, that I am not in the least in control of any moment of my life. My air could stop, my body can break down, illness can overtake me, rocks can fall from the sky, the air I suck in can poison me, my very cells can lose cohesion and my body disintegrate. I no more make the air I suck in replenish the oxygen in my body than I make the sun come up or go down. There is a universe of complex interactions going on around me all the time. I see this as an ecologist. And we humans have nothing to do with it. We take it for granted. There are places that do not even exist for us. Places in this physical world where humans cannot go... yet they exist. For who? Not for us, certainly. For other beings? Perhaps. ('They just do', is not an answer it's a cop out, so quit thinking it. And no good scientist will accept it either. Only the hacks are satisfied with answers like that. A good scientist would answer, "I don't know." There's a big difference.)
As someone who has experienced evidence of the living God, I can say with certainty that they exists ultimately for God. For His pleasure. Sure, He often has other purposes that we can come to know, but that doesn't negate the root reason, even if some secondary reason serves us.
We delude ourselves into thinking we control anything. We plan and when things go our way, we think we've managed risk well. Bull! We didn't control anything. We just pretended to like the kid who thinks that he has special powers when something he desires actually occurs. If things went well it was pure grace, nothing more.
This leads us into a very submissive frame of mind. I control nothing. I am essentially a toy. I feel sophisticated, but that is simply because I couldn't make me. I may very well be more the complexity of a clay figure than an AI robot. How would I know? Yet for all this, I am given special provision. I am touched by the living God. He talks to me. He feeds me. He cares for me better than wildlife, better than livestock, better than a pet. He treats me like a son, and He even sets me over things He's made. He even merged me into Himself, imparted some of His reality, His prime generating powerful self to me.
The Bible clearly confirms this in verses I have read over many times. For His pleasure we were created...fearfully and wonderfully made...we are God's workmanship...in Him we live and move and have our being...through Him all things were made that have been made...yet not even one (sparrow) falls to the ground apart from Him...
It is humbling and liberating. I am not responsible for my own survival, or the survival of others. My family's welfare does not hinge on me. The fate of society and even the world does not hinge on me. I couldn't destroy it if I wanted to. What I do I do not do out of necessity for survival or responsibility, but out of gratitude and service and fun, as the case may be.
As usual, it has a lot to do with the death of the self. Our own pride, self-serving is the biggest problem we face as individuals and in groups, I think. The great I is always vying for control, and it gets it very easily. One of the surest ways to quiet a troubled mind is to get it occupied on someone else...serving someone else. There can be self-centeredness that comes off arrogant and snooty and there can also be self-centeredness that simply focuses on oneself too much. That is, even focusing on changing ourselves is still a form of self-centeredness.
Anyway, when I meditate on the phrase, "His world" it changes so much of my desire and perspective. His sky, His water, His land, His food, His air, His electrons, His life force. What if, just what if, everything was truly and literally God's. He didn't make it and give it to us, or walk away from it. It's all His. I know this sounds like a truism on the surface, but that's the case with most contemplative revelations. But let it sink and and mull it over so that you think it about everything you look at, everything you do. Every breath you take.
I realized, like really felt it become a reality for me, that I am not in the least in control of any moment of my life. My air could stop, my body can break down, illness can overtake me, rocks can fall from the sky, the air I suck in can poison me, my very cells can lose cohesion and my body disintegrate. I no more make the air I suck in replenish the oxygen in my body than I make the sun come up or go down. There is a universe of complex interactions going on around me all the time. I see this as an ecologist. And we humans have nothing to do with it. We take it for granted. There are places that do not even exist for us. Places in this physical world where humans cannot go... yet they exist. For who? Not for us, certainly. For other beings? Perhaps. ('They just do', is not an answer it's a cop out, so quit thinking it. And no good scientist will accept it either. Only the hacks are satisfied with answers like that. A good scientist would answer, "I don't know." There's a big difference.)
As someone who has experienced evidence of the living God, I can say with certainty that they exists ultimately for God. For His pleasure. Sure, He often has other purposes that we can come to know, but that doesn't negate the root reason, even if some secondary reason serves us.
We delude ourselves into thinking we control anything. We plan and when things go our way, we think we've managed risk well. Bull! We didn't control anything. We just pretended to like the kid who thinks that he has special powers when something he desires actually occurs. If things went well it was pure grace, nothing more.
This leads us into a very submissive frame of mind. I control nothing. I am essentially a toy. I feel sophisticated, but that is simply because I couldn't make me. I may very well be more the complexity of a clay figure than an AI robot. How would I know? Yet for all this, I am given special provision. I am touched by the living God. He talks to me. He feeds me. He cares for me better than wildlife, better than livestock, better than a pet. He treats me like a son, and He even sets me over things He's made. He even merged me into Himself, imparted some of His reality, His prime generating powerful self to me.
The Bible clearly confirms this in verses I have read over many times. For His pleasure we were created...fearfully and wonderfully made...we are God's workmanship...in Him we live and move and have our being...through Him all things were made that have been made...yet not even one (sparrow) falls to the ground apart from Him...
It is humbling and liberating. I am not responsible for my own survival, or the survival of others. My family's welfare does not hinge on me. The fate of society and even the world does not hinge on me. I couldn't destroy it if I wanted to. What I do I do not do out of necessity for survival or responsibility, but out of gratitude and service and fun, as the case may be.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Sapped
I haven't posted much lately because I've been busy and haven't felt that I really had much to say. Today though, through a certain turn of events at work, I realized how susceptible I am to very subtle forms of stress. This form of stress seems to come because I have this nasty habit of caring. Caring about what I do, caring about how my actions affect others. Caring about what I am charged to do in my work. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have this problem. But the thing I can't resolve is that if you give me a job to do, I am going to try my best to succeed at it. Good, right? Well, I thought so until recently. Now I'm more convinced that no one really wants me to do what they charged me with. They just want me to look like I'm doing what I was charged with doing, without really getting in anyone's business of preserving themselves and without rocking any boats.
I have experienced this before years ago at a job. Finally, my solution was to quit trying. I just made life easy on myself. Why bother putting in the energy when no one really wanted me to do it anyway. Now I'm responsible for much more and have a trust bestowed upon me in principle if not in fact, to serve the public interest. I turned out to be pretty good at what I do. For a long time that got me a long way. I had a relatively independent spot and people really liked what I could do with it. Now I'm more in the mix of things and I keep finding myself crammed up against other people who don't seem to care and those who care but don't know what to do about it. So what to do? Stop trying so hard? Do what I'm asked and no more? Put in my time and go home? That would certainly be easier on me. Or do I fight the fight? Keep pressing? Endure and struggle and scrape to get one inch of ground this way and that like moving a 2 ton block?
I can hear the voice of culture and training saying the latter definitely will be rewarded. Press and fight and wear myself away at the wheel. My reward will come. But the voice in my heart says this is false. That I should not place my identity even in these things. That I should not struggle or strive, but simply exist. That I should engage things as water engages the stone. It can't be grasped, it can't be held, just flowing around and over.
I've never been a career-minded person. That is a hollow goal. My job is expedient to my needs right now, but should not own or define me. It's just so hard to stay out of it when surrounded by a constant thrumming of other attitudes. Even if those attitudes prove themselves to be false in the actions of the speakers.
God give me the ability to see that in every situation and to only invest where you tell me to.
Give me the strength to block out the urge to fall for the rhetoric without becoming bitter or lazy.
I have experienced this before years ago at a job. Finally, my solution was to quit trying. I just made life easy on myself. Why bother putting in the energy when no one really wanted me to do it anyway. Now I'm responsible for much more and have a trust bestowed upon me in principle if not in fact, to serve the public interest. I turned out to be pretty good at what I do. For a long time that got me a long way. I had a relatively independent spot and people really liked what I could do with it. Now I'm more in the mix of things and I keep finding myself crammed up against other people who don't seem to care and those who care but don't know what to do about it. So what to do? Stop trying so hard? Do what I'm asked and no more? Put in my time and go home? That would certainly be easier on me. Or do I fight the fight? Keep pressing? Endure and struggle and scrape to get one inch of ground this way and that like moving a 2 ton block?
I can hear the voice of culture and training saying the latter definitely will be rewarded. Press and fight and wear myself away at the wheel. My reward will come. But the voice in my heart says this is false. That I should not place my identity even in these things. That I should not struggle or strive, but simply exist. That I should engage things as water engages the stone. It can't be grasped, it can't be held, just flowing around and over.
I've never been a career-minded person. That is a hollow goal. My job is expedient to my needs right now, but should not own or define me. It's just so hard to stay out of it when surrounded by a constant thrumming of other attitudes. Even if those attitudes prove themselves to be false in the actions of the speakers.
God give me the ability to see that in every situation and to only invest where you tell me to.
Give me the strength to block out the urge to fall for the rhetoric without becoming bitter or lazy.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Great Book
I just read a book that has taken a place among the life-changing reads. Right there with Practice of the Presence, Ishmael, and just about anything by C.S. Lewis. It's called So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore.
It isn't the writing that makes this book so good. It's the content. If you read this blog, you'll know many of the attitudes and struggles I have regarding religion. And if you know me personally, you'll know there are many more than what's made it onto this blog. This book spoke to nearly all of them and a few I hadn't even thought of. And it validates a direction I've been heading over the years without really knowing it and in spite of trying desperately not to go that way.
I received this book as an indefinite loan and shoved it on the shelf to take it's place at the back of the list. At the time, I had just finished Organic Church, which made some great points that I emphatically agree with and made me think. But it had too much of an agenda to really sit well. This book actually addresses the attitude behind Organic Church and points out the flaws in the thinking. But, at the time, I wasn't into another apparently similar book, so I let it lay. But recently, things have come up that I have really been struggling with. Inadequacies and injuries that should not exist in what touts itself as God's Way. And people, when confronted with them in an effort to legitimately gain understanding, react in odd ways. So I was aching inside and the book dropped off the shelf at me...quite literally, it almost walked right out into my hand. So I took that as a sign to read it and can see now how the time was so right.
This kind of thing should not at all be surprising if God is truly alive and willing to be known. (This book addresses that as well!) But I think what struck me the most was that the overall theme is not, 'leave the institutional church'. It isn't 'fix the church as we know it'. It isn't anything like that. If it had been, I wouldn't have liked it. The theme of this book is simply, "follow Jesus". Radically, completely, personally, follow Jesus in direct and real ways. It points out how various styles of contemporary American protestant 'churches' fail at this for various reasons. But the freeing thing is, we don't have to fix it. We can stay or go or do something different because we are only responsible for ourselves. We may be told by Jesus to leave. Or we may be told to stay. The point isn't the outcome. The point is the process. Where we fail is in the process.
It radically redefines for me what it means to be a Christian and blows so many of the old rules and manipulations out of the water. Where to start? I don't want to describe them all here. It would take pages. In short, I'm done playing the games. I want something real. I want the amazing fulfilling life promised in the Bible. I have experienced it and want it back. Unfortunately, at the time, we didn't understand the process and it failed as our corruptions perverted it. But now I can see to the root of it and will be able to avoid it...How? Because it isn't up to me. It's up to Jesus. I just have to follow him with abandon. I'll probably get sucked off into error somehow. But he'll pull me back. And I don't have to worry about the ramifications for others because He is doing the same for every person on the planet. We're all on our own journey.
You see, salvation is for all people. God loves us equally. And Jesus opened the door to draw us all to God. He abolished the old system. I am not responsible for my own salvation and God is not withholding His blessings until I get it all worked out. It isn't a reward/punishment system. This is good news, man! This is the Good Spiel, the Gospel, the Good News. We are free! Every one of of us is loved by God and freed from all the bondage we have created for ourselves. Does that mean people will abuse the freedom. Yes. But that is no excuse to crawl back into the chains.
The thing is, I knew this stuff all along and was afraid to give it sway. I had been shown them and pushed them aside from fear and pride and misteaching. Trust me, I've seen the results of threatening someone's comfort level. When you walk out on the water, people will first try to haul you back in the boat. When you tell them the boat sunk eons ago and they're clinging to an illusion, they freak out and start trying to shove you under! "You need the boat! Heretic! Idiot! Pervert! Thief! Liar! Sink damn you!" And then they turn and defame you as a poor lost soul in need of prayer. When you won't play the game, people get torqued. But I'm going to be ok with that. I have to be. It scares me, yeah, but I've been there before. As I've said before, following Jesus is not an option once you know what's real. To deny it makes me a liar.
So here goes: Your Sunday gathering doesn't make you closer to God. Listening to a concert of songs with praises in them doesn't constitute worship. The building you meet in isn't God's house. You don't have to say a prayer of forgiveness or salvation before God will listen to you. A Christian doesn't look like anything particular. You don't need instruction or covering from professional clergy or denominations. You're job title doesn't make you appointed by God. You're children don't need hyped atmosphere and reward games to stay in church, they need something real and will leave when they are old enough because they will see through it. You can't even go to church! That's like saying, you go to human. Wherever Christians go, there church is. You don't have to save the lost or fix what's wrong; Jesus did that and does that. God's purposes run crosswise through our efforts, including institutions, ministries, home churches, pagans and atheists, and as such the organization or lack thereof is irrelevant. You don't have to figure it out or defend God. God loves you. He died to have you back. And He actively, daily, minute by minute, draws you to Himself in His ways on His timing. This is reality. All you have to do to experience it is quit ignoring it. And God will reveal Himself. He will prove Himself. You need no more faith than to believe He exists and wants you to know Him. You're emotions are ok. You're questions are ok. If you feel uneasy about something it's probably because something is wrong. You don't have to blindly accept it, or "just have faith." And if someone teaches you that, they are probably wrong.
God it feels good to write this!
It isn't the writing that makes this book so good. It's the content. If you read this blog, you'll know many of the attitudes and struggles I have regarding religion. And if you know me personally, you'll know there are many more than what's made it onto this blog. This book spoke to nearly all of them and a few I hadn't even thought of. And it validates a direction I've been heading over the years without really knowing it and in spite of trying desperately not to go that way.
I received this book as an indefinite loan and shoved it on the shelf to take it's place at the back of the list. At the time, I had just finished Organic Church, which made some great points that I emphatically agree with and made me think. But it had too much of an agenda to really sit well. This book actually addresses the attitude behind Organic Church and points out the flaws in the thinking. But, at the time, I wasn't into another apparently similar book, so I let it lay. But recently, things have come up that I have really been struggling with. Inadequacies and injuries that should not exist in what touts itself as God's Way. And people, when confronted with them in an effort to legitimately gain understanding, react in odd ways. So I was aching inside and the book dropped off the shelf at me...quite literally, it almost walked right out into my hand. So I took that as a sign to read it and can see now how the time was so right.
This kind of thing should not at all be surprising if God is truly alive and willing to be known. (This book addresses that as well!) But I think what struck me the most was that the overall theme is not, 'leave the institutional church'. It isn't 'fix the church as we know it'. It isn't anything like that. If it had been, I wouldn't have liked it. The theme of this book is simply, "follow Jesus". Radically, completely, personally, follow Jesus in direct and real ways. It points out how various styles of contemporary American protestant 'churches' fail at this for various reasons. But the freeing thing is, we don't have to fix it. We can stay or go or do something different because we are only responsible for ourselves. We may be told by Jesus to leave. Or we may be told to stay. The point isn't the outcome. The point is the process. Where we fail is in the process.
It radically redefines for me what it means to be a Christian and blows so many of the old rules and manipulations out of the water. Where to start? I don't want to describe them all here. It would take pages. In short, I'm done playing the games. I want something real. I want the amazing fulfilling life promised in the Bible. I have experienced it and want it back. Unfortunately, at the time, we didn't understand the process and it failed as our corruptions perverted it. But now I can see to the root of it and will be able to avoid it...How? Because it isn't up to me. It's up to Jesus. I just have to follow him with abandon. I'll probably get sucked off into error somehow. But he'll pull me back. And I don't have to worry about the ramifications for others because He is doing the same for every person on the planet. We're all on our own journey.
You see, salvation is for all people. God loves us equally. And Jesus opened the door to draw us all to God. He abolished the old system. I am not responsible for my own salvation and God is not withholding His blessings until I get it all worked out. It isn't a reward/punishment system. This is good news, man! This is the Good Spiel, the Gospel, the Good News. We are free! Every one of of us is loved by God and freed from all the bondage we have created for ourselves. Does that mean people will abuse the freedom. Yes. But that is no excuse to crawl back into the chains.
The thing is, I knew this stuff all along and was afraid to give it sway. I had been shown them and pushed them aside from fear and pride and misteaching. Trust me, I've seen the results of threatening someone's comfort level. When you walk out on the water, people will first try to haul you back in the boat. When you tell them the boat sunk eons ago and they're clinging to an illusion, they freak out and start trying to shove you under! "You need the boat! Heretic! Idiot! Pervert! Thief! Liar! Sink damn you!" And then they turn and defame you as a poor lost soul in need of prayer. When you won't play the game, people get torqued. But I'm going to be ok with that. I have to be. It scares me, yeah, but I've been there before. As I've said before, following Jesus is not an option once you know what's real. To deny it makes me a liar.
So here goes: Your Sunday gathering doesn't make you closer to God. Listening to a concert of songs with praises in them doesn't constitute worship. The building you meet in isn't God's house. You don't have to say a prayer of forgiveness or salvation before God will listen to you. A Christian doesn't look like anything particular. You don't need instruction or covering from professional clergy or denominations. You're job title doesn't make you appointed by God. You're children don't need hyped atmosphere and reward games to stay in church, they need something real and will leave when they are old enough because they will see through it. You can't even go to church! That's like saying, you go to human. Wherever Christians go, there church is. You don't have to save the lost or fix what's wrong; Jesus did that and does that. God's purposes run crosswise through our efforts, including institutions, ministries, home churches, pagans and atheists, and as such the organization or lack thereof is irrelevant. You don't have to figure it out or defend God. God loves you. He died to have you back. And He actively, daily, minute by minute, draws you to Himself in His ways on His timing. This is reality. All you have to do to experience it is quit ignoring it. And God will reveal Himself. He will prove Himself. You need no more faith than to believe He exists and wants you to know Him. You're emotions are ok. You're questions are ok. If you feel uneasy about something it's probably because something is wrong. You don't have to blindly accept it, or "just have faith." And if someone teaches you that, they are probably wrong.
God it feels good to write this!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Bashing
They say that when you ask God for patience, you should be prepared to wait. I think this is true of any lesson. If we ask for it, we have to be prepared for the answer. I think this is part of counting the cost.
I don't know what's going on, but in the back of my mind, I have this assurance that I asked for it somehow. Not in the sense that I feel I am being punished, but in the sense that I asked for a greater refinement, to be taken a step up, and that may be the source of my current situations.
I have recently had a horrible week of bashing from multiple directions, all topped off with more bad news and business. It's one of those times when you feel like all the efforts you put out in good faith have been dashed aside in favor of wicked or thoughtless things. I feel like the Psalms right now. And all I can do is cry out about it. I can't see where it is leading, or where it will end. I can't even feel any grand provision in it anymore. Just existing to the next stage.
Of course I never feel totally abandoned by God. I see his care and provision, even if he isn't parting the veil and pouring over me currently. I want to strike out and do something, fix a problem or myself or whatever needs to be done. I want motion, but get nothing.
Some of these things like work troubles and other business will pass. But others bother me more. I second guess my motives and my actions and my thoughts so many times that I don't even know who I am and what is really me. Do I follow my instincts and react from the heart, true to myself, or is that selfish pride? Do I gush my heart open or simply let it go? The trouble is, I don't even feel like I have a safe place to be myself and find out. I feel on edge, and that is perhaps most of the trouble.
I hate rhetoric that is disingenuous or ignorant. It hurts far more to say people are open when in fact they aren't. Better to simply tell everyone to put on a good face than to encourage them to put on an openness that isn't open.
The thing is, I've been here before, and it resulted in my leaving the country. Strangely, even then the same message came to my heart over and over and I know I should usually follow it. The message is to go to a place that I know is safe. A place where questions are not glad-hand slaps and jokes, but real asking after a person. The problem is that I have ties elsewhere that I don't know if I can or should break. Do I go to the church that I feel called to, the one that always comes to mind when I think of what Christians should be? Or do I stay in the hell of facades and mirrors to be the anchor for one particular person (and sundry others to a lesser degree)? Is that person actually my anchor? Or is it all drama in my head, echoing past experiences and projections of scripts from my psyche?
I think I've actually been here before too. And the answer did finally come in one off-hand moment that didn't go at all as planned for the poor guy who thought he was delivering one message and actually delivered another altogether. But to me, it was clear as crystal in that moment. I guess I wait for the moment.
And as for being myself, I think that is a must. I cannot let others judge. I must be who I am. Only God can judge me and I must be free to express. If my heart is seeking truth and right, I can't get too far off, right? This is why I hate facades. It tortures a person like me. And I am surrounded by facades of nonfacades. I can hear it in voices and see it behind eyes and in micro expressions. It is crushing to my spirit and my heart to see it and not know how to help break these people free!
I don't know what's going on, but in the back of my mind, I have this assurance that I asked for it somehow. Not in the sense that I feel I am being punished, but in the sense that I asked for a greater refinement, to be taken a step up, and that may be the source of my current situations.
I have recently had a horrible week of bashing from multiple directions, all topped off with more bad news and business. It's one of those times when you feel like all the efforts you put out in good faith have been dashed aside in favor of wicked or thoughtless things. I feel like the Psalms right now. And all I can do is cry out about it. I can't see where it is leading, or where it will end. I can't even feel any grand provision in it anymore. Just existing to the next stage.
Of course I never feel totally abandoned by God. I see his care and provision, even if he isn't parting the veil and pouring over me currently. I want to strike out and do something, fix a problem or myself or whatever needs to be done. I want motion, but get nothing.
Some of these things like work troubles and other business will pass. But others bother me more. I second guess my motives and my actions and my thoughts so many times that I don't even know who I am and what is really me. Do I follow my instincts and react from the heart, true to myself, or is that selfish pride? Do I gush my heart open or simply let it go? The trouble is, I don't even feel like I have a safe place to be myself and find out. I feel on edge, and that is perhaps most of the trouble.
I hate rhetoric that is disingenuous or ignorant. It hurts far more to say people are open when in fact they aren't. Better to simply tell everyone to put on a good face than to encourage them to put on an openness that isn't open.
The thing is, I've been here before, and it resulted in my leaving the country. Strangely, even then the same message came to my heart over and over and I know I should usually follow it. The message is to go to a place that I know is safe. A place where questions are not glad-hand slaps and jokes, but real asking after a person. The problem is that I have ties elsewhere that I don't know if I can or should break. Do I go to the church that I feel called to, the one that always comes to mind when I think of what Christians should be? Or do I stay in the hell of facades and mirrors to be the anchor for one particular person (and sundry others to a lesser degree)? Is that person actually my anchor? Or is it all drama in my head, echoing past experiences and projections of scripts from my psyche?
I think I've actually been here before too. And the answer did finally come in one off-hand moment that didn't go at all as planned for the poor guy who thought he was delivering one message and actually delivered another altogether. But to me, it was clear as crystal in that moment. I guess I wait for the moment.
And as for being myself, I think that is a must. I cannot let others judge. I must be who I am. Only God can judge me and I must be free to express. If my heart is seeking truth and right, I can't get too far off, right? This is why I hate facades. It tortures a person like me. And I am surrounded by facades of nonfacades. I can hear it in voices and see it behind eyes and in micro expressions. It is crushing to my spirit and my heart to see it and not know how to help break these people free!
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