Responsible

Why am I always expected to be responsible? Is it because I've never been anything but? Even my rebellion is responsible, chivalrous even. I hate lies and would sooner tell someone to their face that I will not do what they ask than sneak around.

But right now I feel like I am surrounded by people who are not like this. I know I hold myself to a very high standard. Far higher than most people will ever know. Psychotically high almost. But sometimes, I feel that my responsibility gives others the room to be irresponsible and they don't feel bad about taking advantage of it. I don't even believe they notice it most of the time because I just pick up the slack.

Maybe I should just stop. Skip work, miss a payment or two, leave someone hanging or stranded, not do something I'm expected to do at work or home. Blow a paycheck or two. But the thing is, I can't. I can't! I can't let myself be this way, so it will never happen. Oh sure, I could give my whole paycheck away, but I couldn't blow it on frivolous stuff. I can't let the housework go. It eats at me and I have no peace until it's done. The kicker is, most of the mess I clean up isn't even mine. I recently went through to throw out more of my stuff and had a hard time finding any that wasn't necessary and useful items.

I guess that's why people don't believe me when I try to tell them these things. I even recently lost a long time friend over this very thing. He just wouldn't believe that I was capable of expressing bent feelings in an irresponsible way. Everyone else could be forgiven, but I was not given that grace. I was even accused of intentionally trying to hurt him by acting that way.

When will someone come find me? When will I get the hand up?

Even as I write this I am reminded of times when God has provided for me. He has never let me go too far. But that's just it...no human has ever done this. Is it any wonder I find so little of value in this world? A band once wrote that "this world has nothing for me, and this world has everything" I feel just like this. The thing is if it's true, then there is nothing left for me.