Down and Down

This rabbit hole seems unending.  It's very difficult to right oneself when everything is moving.  As soon as I seem to become oriented, I realize that I haven't actually hit the bottom yet.  Perhaps it only feels that I've righted because everything around me is falling at the same rate for a bit.  But pretty soon it all lists oddly in the air and disorientation ensues.

I have long believed that we could only find what we need in God.  I have even come to know it through many circumstances that have forced me to rely only on Him alone.  He's even shown me that He will not only keep his word to provide, but does so quite literally "exceedingly, abundantly more" than I could, would, or even ask.  I have even begun to live in this confidence in a real way.

But no sooner do I realize I have progressed than a chair tilts and the rug flutters and the whole room disengages in the freefall.  I guess I should just stop arranging the furniture.

But that's just it: I don't intend to arrange anything.  I just find a chair nearby and decide to pull it under me because falling is tiring.  And then a glass of water floats by and I'm kind of thirsty.  But then a table floats up and I conveniently place the glass on it, snatch the lamp from the air for some better lighting, and before you know it, there's another falling room.

Even though I've been learning all these things I recently realized there was yet another level to it all and I was finding validation in something other than God.  It was innocent enough but sinuous and sneaky nonetheless.  You see, in doing the things God has for me to do, I become first agitated and then irritated and approaching angry when people don't allow it.  Not because I want what I want, but because I see how this or that person could so benefit but won't.  It's like delivering a really great present to someone from a rich relative.  I know what's in the box and know how perfect it is for them.  I've even got a similar one from this same relative.  But they won't open it.  I tell them how great it is and they still just sit it in the corner.  So I tell them what's in it and they smile and ohh about it, but say they'll get to it.  And this can go on far more than you would imagine.  It would be easier if they openly rejected it, but to keep piling up unopened presents is pert near insane to me.

So I go back to God confused and uncertain.  Did I screw up?  Did I miss something?  And that's when I realized recently that I am finding validation in helping others, even anonymously.  I am hinging my joy on other's actions...on their acceptance of these gifts...on their good.  Rather, I should be secure and stable enough in God's dealings with me that others' actions, even actions toward God, do not create anxiety in me.  And there goes the room again.

I have to come to fully trust God to meet their needs as he meets mine.  My eagerness for their good, my sadness at their pain is not to go away, but to be absorbed in God's full provision for us all.  And this is something I truly do not know how to do.  I can't even imagine how I could be content having the power to ease loved ones' burdens and not being allowed to do so.  Which means I will as usual, have to totally rely on God to do it.

Railing

My reader...the only one I think (maybe I should just address these like letters to that person) said that my posts can change dramatically in style and tone. I recognize that and apologize by saying that I wanted this blog to be raw and real, so those swings are actually swings in me, chronicled in the hopes that some other soul may read them and feel less alone...but I know it makes it hard to read sometimes...which is probably why I have one reader. Whom I am tempted to call the "fan base", but I'll leave that reference there just to see if anyone ever gets it.

I also noticed that my blogs tend to be railing sorts of things. Not always, but a good deal of them. My facebook posts are even more so. I don't really like that about myself. I don't start out to be that way. And I don't feel like a very angry or miserable person always. I just think those are the things that get posted more. I have a hard time writing happy drivel.

Honestly, I try very hard not to be negative. This is an uphill battle as anyone who reads this blog will know about me. But it isn't helped by the fact that there are just so many darn insufferable things out there. What is insufferable? Well, for me it is misrepresentations, usurpations, manipulations, by those who claim (and are expected) not to do so. In my world, these are usually people who call themselves Christians and the organizations that they operate. I can't judge what goes on in their hearts, but I can comment on their actions. I want to be clear that I do not judge the person as I judge the actions. I don't. And since no one but God can see into my heart as well, you'll just have to take my word on that. I hope my actions bear it out as well.

I want Truth. I want what is real. Recently, I went into church after a few weeks out. I've been slowly extricating myself from that system of religious obligation and manipulation, but was feeling open and ready to see if God would speak through those present. I was trying hard to not be bothered by the usual irks (plastic expressions on singers, forced hype, awkward smiles covering real hurts, etc.) And then, what met my ears was, well, insufferable to me yet again. I fully believe in a real hell. I've experienced enough of it and what comes out of it to know this, so we are on the same page at the root. I was even able to look past the short-sighted Biblical citations. They were correct in reading, but the speaker failed to mention (if he knew) how those who counter them do so. There are some very good arguments against them that make it hard to use those verses alone as proof of point to someone who knows how to argue at all. If he knew and chose not to mention it, he only sends his flock out with false security against wolves.

But then he went on to start nothing short of brainwashing. Telling the congregation that they may have questions, but so what. Throw them out because if the Bible said it, that was all they needed. At this I was piqued. But then he went on to have a call-response where the congregation was supposed to repeat the mantra that they didn't need proof and their questions didn't matter. I had had enough. I had to walk out. What I felt like doing was interrupting the whole sermon by calling out the heresy right there. Maybe I should have, but most wouldn't have understood what I meant and those that did would have been too bound by their own issues to accept it. I would have instantly rocked their boats so hard, they would have instinctually thrown me out simply to stop the shaking.

So I went to the bathroom to hide for a minute, then look for a place to go. Everywhere I went there were people milling around who knew me and wouldn't understand. I couldn't attempt to talk to them, they'd see my upset. So I had to go outside.

Out there was a world. A world that God made and lived in. There were things living and moving and happening. It was calming. A whole different tone from the cursed tomb that was being created inside what should be a place of life, a well of living water. Instead it was turned into a stinking sepulchre of religious bondage.

Jesus never spoke to people that way. Jesus went to lengths to be tender to people's needs. To meet them where they were. To explain and build trust. He even met with one scholar one on one to explain one of the seminal passages in the Bible! I'm sure he must have done it more, but we don't have record. He still does this today. I thought we believed he was a living and active and caring God. Yet speakers like this try to force their point on the masses who look to them for guidance through manipulative techniques like that. God, it would be better to have mill stones hung on their necks and be thrown into the sea than to lead those astray. The Bereans were commended for questioning what they were taught and searching it out to see if it was true, not expected to blindly repeat what they were told! It hurts me and makes me want to rend my clothes! And my only outlet for this is some lonely blog with one reader. I am thankful for that, don't misunderstand. But it makes my heart cry out like David, "How long, God?!" How long will this evil continue? God I want to see your mercy and grace poured out on these people, even the speaker.

And yet these masses will listen for a while, until the stench builds so strong in their noses that they know something isn't right. Then they leave as well...probably to be more disgusted with Christianity and less friendly to the one who came to do away with this very thing. Jesus only ever railed against the religious and self-righteous...with good reason.

Frustration

Ever have one of those weeks? You know, the kind where nothing really major happens but everything seems to get in the way of everything else. All week I've felt like I was spinning my wheels at full speed and only inching along in the slick while throwing up a huge mess all around. I honestly don't know what to do about it.

I imagine it has a lot to do with recent developments. Rest assured, spiritual warfare is very real, though not at all like what most people might think. And when we make headway in areas that could take new territory in our own souls or in the world, we become the target of increased attacks. Not that these attacks can amount to much for those who know their place, but they can be very annoying, or should I say, frustrating. Afterall, that is their purpose. To frustrate. And by frustrating, keep us on edge and preoccupied so that we can't focus on the more important things.

Worst of all is when the attacks come through or toward those we are close to. I often find that the easiest road onto my nerves is through my family. And when I feel like the most at peace you can count on the fact that very shortly, my family will start doing all the things that grate on me.

We all have those things and we overlook or see past in others because of our love for them. But once in a while, the things seem to prick beyond toleration. That has been my day. Edgy, irritated... following a week of endless irritations. No more. I don't want to play anymore.

I will recenter myself by stopping everything for a little while. I will be still and know who is God. And I will float these irritations up to Him. Then I will re-enter my life focused. I will keep that focus by 'doing one thing'. And I will make everything a prayer. When those irritations come I will see them for what they are and will not play.

Evil is not a thing, but the negation of a thing. What is as it was created to be, is good. What isn't becomes evil proportionate to the degree that it is not what it was created to be. It is a lie. It has no substance and therefore no power other than what I give to it. Fighting it gives it power because only something of substance can be fought. The only way to win is to see the truth, that evil is nothing, and the battle is over.

I think of the classic film Labyrinth. The Goblin King had no power other than what she gave him, and upon realizing this truth, the battle was over. Similarly, the dark eldilla surrounded Ransom's house to frustrate and irritate, but had no power if ignored. Neo had only to realize that the matrix did not exist. But I am weak and easily distracted. So I will focus only on my God and will rest under the shelter of His wing.