Out

God, what are you doing right now?  I have tried to follow your leading, I have given myself to you as completely as I can manage.  And yet, an honest unknown, a true accident has torn my world.  I played a part in it, but if there was sin it was entirely unknown.  There was no malice or intent to harm, not even carelessness.  Circumstances beyond my control led to these events.

I blame myself still.  I should have had superhuman foresight, I should have done this or that better.  Now regardless of cause I want to move forward and can't.  It is not in my power to influence this situation more.  I want to begin the reconstruction, which truly won't turn out to be much if things would just move.  But at every stage you close the doors, the windows.  You leave me stifled with no way out of a room I did not wish to create and would destroy if given an ounce of power to do so.

How much longer?  My mental state is not good.  I know you will not push beyond what I can handle, but I feel like I am approaching the breaking point.  The strain is intense.  And I don't know what to do now.  To push harder or back away?  To act or refrain?

I am trying desperately not to close my heart, but I feel I will have no choice if I must preserve my sanity.  I took so long to get to this place.  I can't believe that something so good could turn so bad so quickly.  You would not lead me to this point only to abandon me like this.  But I am lost right now and my faith wavers.

Don't leave me like this.