On the up side, I am very rarely surprised by things because I prepare for the worst. I think through possibilities and find the worst case. Once I have prepared for that, any lesser case is easier to deal with. It actually serves me very well most of the time and provides a perspective that many less thoughtful people lack.
But the problem is that things very rarely go that bad. Still they always could and that 'could' is where the trouble starts. Because I have inferred a path to that worst case, it is hard to get it out of my head. The stats help and I realize logically that it probably won't go that bad, but even within the realm of probable outcomes there are plenty that are not good. I can also see the variables and recognize those (most) that I don't control. So in short, I am constantly seeing the bad and this makes it hard to just go on and be happy.
There are some things to combat it though. I try to rule out hearsay and hype. These only falsely color the situation. Local news is the worst about this. Please don't watch it. It's trash TV disguised as journalism. Even gossip is trouble this way. I try to bring things back to my actual experience. For example, I hear crime reports. Hear rumors from neighbors. See warnings from police and neighborhood watch. This makes me feel that crime is immanent. It's only a matter of time before I am hit. But in my actual experience, this is not the case. There are far more good days than bad. Far more good people than bad. Most of the incidents are stupid kids that are easily caught. and some reports are just plain false. Like the one about the neighbors basketball hoop that was supposedly stolen when it was no longer on the street. I looked at their yard and saw the hoop laying beside their fence. This isn't rose-colored glasses; remember I can't do that. It's just the REAL facts.
You might be tempted to say, "just trust God and let him care for you." Well, that's great, but short-sighted. If you could see all the pathways that I see and consider all the cases that I know, you'd see that there's a whole lot of bad that can occur inside God's will. It doesn't mean I won't get robbed, beaten, sick, jailed, persecuted. In fact, the historic and modern cases around the world show that in fact those things are far MORE likely if I am a Christian. The fact that we don't see them so prevalently in this part of the world means 1. we are not capable of handling them, 2. we are not worthy of them (i.e. we don't offend the enemy enough) or 3. we are EXTREMELY blessed.
This is not to say that God doesn't provide all our needs. Just that many of our fears lie between our accustomed lifestyle and our needs. So for me, I have to find faith in something more solid. Remember that faith, as understood by those to whom the Biblical books were originally written, meant something more like credit or patronage. Not blind belief. It meant, it means in actuality, an offering of trust. Just like you trust the bank to hold your money for you. Or in those days, you might trust a powerful ruler to provide security and prosperity. In fact, that is the context of all the references to God as King. We are asked to trust Jesus like we would a king. That's why he laughed at his disciples so often that they didn't trust him in that way even though they trusted God as they knew him through Judaism. It was a whole different game with that God standing next to you.
So for me, I've been trying to give more of that trust. To recount past incidents where He was faithful and therefore bolster my faith. It's hard to truly do this in all situations. I constantly want to take back some control, as feeble as it is, and provide for myself. I've been really practicing seeing the good. Counting my blessings...really, it's not a cliche. And where I can't settle on a high probability of good outcome, I have to trust that there are factors I can't see and that He has promised not to let me go. And where bad outcomes are the most probable, I am practicing enduring, and even charging in. This is bravery, though we don't think of it like that. I would easily take on a gun or even knife over something less decisive like uncertain financial future. But one dragon is as another. Both must be charged down, come hell or ruin...
In these moments, I sometimes catch a glimpse of myself...at least I hope it is me in the same way I see others, like Galadriel of previous blogs. I see a fell warrior, bloody and singed, but standing firm in the midst of the demon swell. Maybe a little something like this.
But only for a moment. And then I come back to my own life...or maybe I just fall back to sleep.
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