Radical Change

As usual, something is happening in me. It always is, really. But I am aware of something brewing at this moment. I am full of doubts and questions, but certain things have happened recently that have led me to think I must move a certain direction.

I am learning what it means to radically follow Jesus. I mean really as if it were all literally true. I don't want to play mental gymnastics with his words. What would life be like if I really, literally believed he was directing my every step? What if I am everything that I dream, hope for? Everything that has been spoken about me?

I once fell in love with this kind of life. I never really forgot it. I just get dulled and snowed in by other thingsfor a while. Each time a bit more of the illusion sheds away as I wake up.

But I want ot keep planning. I want to keep organizing. The voice of my culture and training screams that I am doing wrong...sometimes quite literally when I talk to my mother or father. But even they are beginning to see it. They just can't let go yet. The truth is, I have realized I'm not really holding onto anything in the first place. It's only God's mercy and patience that allow me to believe the illusions anyway.

I'd love to describe where I'm going with this, but the truth is I don't know. I feel like I'm taking a trust fall. Not one on my own terms...not one with parameters that give a margin of safety, but like Neo taking the red pill (what an awesome metaphor), I have no idea what will come next. But I'm trying desperately to open my mind and heart to it.

The premise is this: Jesus found people and said, "come follow me." They went. That's it. No organization. No planning. They literally left what they were doing and followed him. He's still saying the same thing. That's all. It sounds different now because he isn't physically present, but in a way that is both harder and easier. If a man walked up to you at work and said come with me. Would you go? In that sense, feeling a deep near-irresistible draw to Jesus is a much easier thing to assent to. But on the other hand, the first disciples had a person to touch and a voice to hear in their natural ears. This is easier to be certain of than the fickle tuggings of one's heart. So in the end it balances. Paul says that each of us was placed in exactly the right time for us to be. I have no control over that.

But I am feeling more confident that I can trust Him in my heart and life than I have before. I am starting on a day by day, moment by moment faith. Listening, watching, doing what I am asked to do in that moment. Without regard for the outcome. Without regard for human structures or traditions...not that these are necessarily bad, only that I know they are not to be a rule for me. Nothing replacing that moment by moment trust.

My hope is that I will find this increasingly possible. That he will be increasingly proved faithful. That this is my way out. We'll see.